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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a weird thing for MIL to suggest?

133 replies

user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 10:57

She's usually nice but can be "full-on".

I've emigrated to DH's home country a year ago...obviously MIL lives here too.

She said yesterday "When you go home to visit, I'll come with you to help with the kids"

And I thought...erm...nope! I don't want it to be about MIL when I go home! I want it to be about my family!

So I said "Erm no...we'll be a bit wrapped up in visiting" and she said "Oh I'd do my own thing"

Except it wouldn't be would it? We'd be getting invitations to places and MIL would be sitting alone in a rental flat!

As if! AIBU to think it's an odd thing to suggest? DH and I have kids but they youngest is almost 9 and the eldest is 12...not small enough to need help with.

OP posts:
isupposeitsverynice · 27/01/2017 20:23

Without knowing what the relationship is normally like o think it's impossible to say if this is unreasonable of mil or not. It could be weird and controlling or it could be sweet and endearing that she's so fond of you. Only OP knows, really. It is definitely ok to say no but if she isn't usually an arse I think I'd be kind about saying no.

mummylove2monsters · 27/01/2017 21:08

I would say no - it's pretty intrusive - my mil does similar things and it's not to 'help' it's to satisfy her own needs . She uses the word help but it always coincides with her needs . Go and don't take her - you'll feel on edge and obliged the whole time - enjoy your time away xxxx

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/01/2017 22:30

It might be well intended but it's odd and incredibly intrusive

bummymummy77 · 28/01/2017 01:48

Agree with catwoman. Only another expat could see how awful this is.

MommaGee · 28/01/2017 01:56

I assumed initially the kids were tiny PR you were visiting a nice exciting country but you're not, you're just coming back to the UK and the kids will most likely spend the journey glued to technology.

So yanbu to think its a not weird to couch it on those terms as opposes to I really fancy visiting the UK again, how about of we travelled over together and then travelled back together. We could split accommodation but o want to do my own thing)

However but if she offered to pay on condition she came, I'd consider going no contact with her. seems a not OTT. Why should she offer to pay unless she's going unless you're skint and she's hoarding her millions

HoHumming · 28/01/2017 10:10

only another expat could see how awful this is

Eh not the case. If you read the replies you will see many posters can see how the OP's POV!

bummymummy77 · 28/01/2017 12:04

Sorry I phrased that totally wrong. Only another expat could fully understand quite how awful this is. Grin

Not to mean other couldn't empathise but as an expat that rarely sees their family just the thought of my mil coming too made my blood run cold!

SeaEagleFeather · 28/01/2017 13:51

I love my MIL but a full holiday coming back to england with her would be a strain!

She's waaaaay too sensible to suggest it herself though.

mammamic · 28/01/2017 17:05

Very mixed comments from OP

You say you like her and then make her sound like a monster - included to force the issue by paying with conditions attached. Is she a monster or not?

I don't think it's odd at all. What is odd is that people think this rude. It's not rude. It's asking 'can I come too?'. And if you don't want her too - just say so. Easy - 'it's been 14 months since I saw my family and I'd like this break to be about them and my family and the children. I know you'd be able to look after yourself but I would t be as relaxed as if naturally be thinning about you too and I'd prefer not to have to. '

End of

mammamic · 28/01/2017 17:07

Meant 'inclined' not included - sorry

mumto2two · 28/01/2017 19:11

I think it's odd..extremely odd. Full stop!

babyboomersrock · 28/01/2017 19:20

I don't think it's odd at all. What is odd is that people think this rude. It's not rude. It's asking 'can I come too?'

Seriously? The only person I can imagine asking that question is my grandson. He's 5, so he has an excuse. When you're an adult, you wait to be asked - if you're not asked, it's fair to assume you're not needed.

I am struggling to think of anyone I know (and I know lots of grandparents) asking to tag along on a trip to see the other grandparents. It's pushy and insensitive.

SeaEagleFeather · 28/01/2017 19:26

baby manners vary from culture to culture. If you're english, you wait to be asked. Elsewhere, and the MIL is from elsewhere, it's fine to ask and in some places to even assume you'll automatically be welcome.

bummymummy77 · 28/01/2017 19:56

I disagree. I asked my mil (who's not British) if she'd do this and she was horrified. And she's a bit of an insensitive twat so that says something. Grin

babyboomersrock · 28/01/2017 20:29

baby manners vary from culture to culture. If you're english, you wait to be asked

Well, I'm not English, for a start.

Elsewhere, and the MIL is from elsewhere

And Elsewhere is a big place. I'm assuming that since OP is surprised, this reaction from her mil was unexpected. I imagine OP knows her mil's cultural background fairly well since she's living in her country.

SeaEagleFeather · 29/01/2017 00:06

Then you know that there is a huge variation in how people think, culturally conditioned. I certainly know people who'd really struggle with their MIL inviting themselves on holiday - but it would be considered normal. Rejecting the idea would be a slap in the face and a real bad thing for the DIL to do.

The OP is still entirely reasonable, but I don't think you can assume that the MIL should automatically know it's not ok. This needs an open conversation, not guesswork and silent offence.

Original poster
user1477282676 · 29/01/2017 01:42

My MIL is Australian. Traditional, very Anglo. She should know it's pushy. All my Aussie female friends would know this and they're from a variety of agegroups.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/01/2017 02:00

Yep, mine is too and agreed - she wouldn't do this. She might suggest joining forces if we were going to visit HER family in Australia, and in fact this has happened before now - but going to the UK to visit mine? No way would she impose, she'd wait to be invited.

TheMaddHugger · 29/01/2017 03:16

Bloody Nora. I'm Aussie, middle aged, have adult Offspring with their own lives. their own homes, their own families.
She Knows better. Absolutely she does.

Whack her on the noggin with a cricket bat. Loony old Bird.

helterskelter99 · 29/01/2017 03:25

Are you renting a flat?
Maybe she thought if she was there you can go out and about and she can babysit
Has she friends in the U.K. Maybe she thought she could catch up with them but help on the flight there and back etc (which obviously the kids are older but grandparents don't always see that)
You obviously don't like her or there is more to this as if you did get on you'd know her intentions

SingingInTheRainstorm · 29/01/2017 03:25

I think Nanny means, if they show an interest in anything they're in the wrong. If they don't show an interest they're in the wrong.
If you don't want MIL to go, say it's a long time to be away, she might have long periods of time alone, maybe next time. Don't need to label her and overthink it, just say no simples.

Original poster
user1477282676 · 29/01/2017 03:27

Helter we haven't even mentioned a date! Never mind sorted accomodation, but it would probably be a flat yes. However, the DC would be coming with us wherever we went. It would be visiting friends and family and a bit of shopping in my home town. That would be it. DH and I don't drink or go out much.

OP posts:
SingingInTheRainstorm · 29/01/2017 03:28

Could she be lonely? If you're in Australia, would you appreciate the extra help on the flight? Isn't it like 24 hours or something?

She could look after DC if you wanted a night out with family/friends. It gives you some freedom.

It's not all negatives.

Original poster
user1477282676 · 29/01/2017 03:49

Singing no she's not lonely. She has other DC, other grandchildren nearby...and friends and sisters and a job.

She's far from lonely. As I said earlier, my children are almost 9 and 12. They're too old to need help with. They barely need looking after these days.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1477282676 · 29/01/2017 03:50

And I just before said that DH and I don't drink and our time in the UK will be spent with the DC...visiting friends and family and shopping. We don't go out at night. We might have dinner but it's usually with the kids or if it's with mates for a special occassion then we get a babysitter...but that's very rare.

OP posts: