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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a weird thing for MIL to suggest?

133 replies

user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 10:57

She's usually nice but can be "full-on".

I've emigrated to DH's home country a year ago...obviously MIL lives here too.

She said yesterday "When you go home to visit, I'll come with you to help with the kids"

And I thought...erm...nope! I don't want it to be about MIL when I go home! I want it to be about my family!

So I said "Erm no...we'll be a bit wrapped up in visiting" and she said "Oh I'd do my own thing"

Except it wouldn't be would it? We'd be getting invitations to places and MIL would be sitting alone in a rental flat!

As if! AIBU to think it's an odd thing to suggest? DH and I have kids but they youngest is almost 9 and the eldest is 12...not small enough to need help with.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 26/01/2017 14:28

Just say no.

It's a lovely offer, but I prefer to visit my family by myself.

Just keep repeating as necessary.

And tell your DH to tell her to back off.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 26/01/2017 14:29

How long are you going for? Maybe she gets lonely easily and will miss you all?

It is abit presumptuous that she expects to come but if she's retired I'm assuming she's got time to travel as well and fancied a trip abroad as well. Unless there's a backstory to this I can't see her meaning any harm tagging along.

ALittleMop · 26/01/2017 14:51

Maybe she will be lonely without you? Feels a bit left out? Just fancies it?
Does she help with the kids a lot usually?

I think I would just say "that's so sweet of you but we need some time on our own with my family". Don't mince words. Just say no.

I don't know why you are mooting going NC though, unless there have been some other more serious boundary transgressions...

Pallisers · 26/01/2017 14:52

All the people saying what harm or she means well or it is perfectly normal what she did, surely you would mind if your inlaws announced they were coming on holiday with you? Because I certainly would. Wouldn't want my own parents to do it either.

Munted · 26/01/2017 14:58

NC may be a bit extreme but I know exactly where you're coming from. With my MIL it would be about showing my family how close to the kids she is, how involved she is in their lives and how much they love and prefer her to them. Probably not on an altogether conscious level, but she would be threatened by a trip like this (I'm in a similar position).

It would also be a reminder to me that if I was to move home, the relationship my children have with her would be 'destroyed' so don't go getting any ideas now....

limitedperiodonly · 26/01/2017 15:03

surely you would mind if your inlaws announced they were coming on holiday with you?

It would depend. If it was a family holiday I might say yes, if it was a dirty weekend, I'd definitely say no.

Anyway, the OP's MIL didn't announce it, she suggested it.

username1317 · 26/01/2017 15:04

^this.

gleam · 26/01/2017 15:11

Don't tell her the dates in case she books to go too.

Pallisers · 26/01/2017 15:16

She said yesterday "When you go home to visit, I'll come with you to help with the kids"

Sounds like an announcement to me.

I'd hate anyone to come along on our family holiday - friends, sister, parents, in laws. I don't know anyone who would suggest it actually. I can't imagine my mil saying "oh you are going to Italy in June. I'll come too. Don't worry I can do my own thing when we get there".

HoHumming · 26/01/2017 15:28

I'd feel the same as you OP.

However, I wouldn't go down the 'thank you but we don't need the help' route because she wasn't really offering you help. She was inviting herself along and the children were just a way of softening the bluntness.

I think I'd ask your DH to explain to her that you are eager to spend time with your family on your own and visit relatives, old school friends etc. He could, if you agreed, say that the next time he goes himself, that she could go then. That way, he will be around to amuse her whilst leaving you to spend time with the people you went there to see.

limitedperiodonly · 26/01/2017 15:31

OP's title said 'suggest' and she repeated it in her OP. If she doesn't want her MIL to tag along she can always say so.

murmuration · 26/01/2017 15:31

Similar to above, I'm wondering if you can offer another trip for her - if this is your first back and thus special. "I really want to just reconnect with my family on this first trip back; maybe next time." Although not if you wouldn't want her again then, either!

terrythetrex · 26/01/2017 15:33

you need to be firm and say no.

I have been with DH for 6 years, his sodding sister has come on every single holiday we have had except our honeymoon.

I hate it, I have told DH I hate it and this year I had got all fired up to say no, when I got a phone call saying she heard me telling my sister about her holiday and she has booked the same place and invited my other dsil. I could have cried.

I have said in no uncertain terms that DH is speaking to her before next year because if she comes on holiday again, I will not be going.

Don't let it start, she'll want to come every time

Atenco · 26/01/2017 15:35

Wow! You really don't like this woman do you

This

HoHumming · 26/01/2017 16:07

I think saying the OP really doesn't like her is a tad unfair.

I don't dislike my MIL but I certainly wouldn't want her to holiday with us. I especially, wouldn't want to entertain her while I was catching up with friends and family.

Mums can ask their own daughters to tag along but it is not the same thing to ask to tag along with a daughter in law!.

ineedaholidaynow · 26/01/2017 16:37

I don't think mums should be able to ask to tag along either, not just MILs.

When we organise a family holiday for me, DH and DS, I don't expect other relatives to suggest they come too.

We have been on a few holidays with my parents and others with MIL, but that is only when the additional parties have been invited e.g. we go to Center Parcs quite regularly. A couple of times we have asked MIL whether she would like to come. Other times we have gone without her, on those times she has never suggested that she should come, especially if it is our only holiday in the year. Likewise when MIL goes on holiday we don't invite ourselves along.

HoHumming · 26/01/2017 16:46

I agree ineedaholiday. I think though if a mum and daughter have the kind of relationship where the mum feels it is easy to ask to tag along, it is probably easier for the daughter to say no.

It is much harder with in laws, for a lot of people (before I get an avalanche of replies telling me what a wonderful relationship they have with their in laws!).

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/01/2017 16:54

terry We now do stealth holidays as my dsis and BIL (who my DH can't stand) went through a phase of deciding to invite themselves and booked somewhere nearby without asking. We don't have much family time on our own so holidays are sacrosanct to us. Much though I love my Dsis seeing for her for one day at a time is more than enough. Smile

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 26/01/2017 17:06

She's trying to hijack a trip which will be very important to me as I've not been home for 14 months since I left

In my experience, when they make the excuse of 'i'll come with you and help with the kids' what they really mean is they don't trust you and don't want you out of their sphere of control.
it's also a case of 'i'm gonna keep my eye on you and report back anything i disapprove of'.

Tell her your family will be helping with the kids as they want to spend time with them.

DON'T tell her what date you've booked your flights for....i wouldn't put it past her to secretly book her own and turn up at the airport, bags packed and ready to bulldoze you into submission Grin

Pallisers · 26/01/2017 17:39

I don't dislike my MIL but I certainly wouldn't want her to holiday with us. I especially, wouldn't want to entertain her while I was catching up with friends and family.

Exactly. I adore my MIL and we have actually gone on holidays together (her first holiday after being widowed, we asked her if she would like us to accompany her back to their holiday home for the first time as she had told us how much she was dreading it on her own. We didn't tell her we were coming. We asked her if she would like us to. If she had said no she was fine on her own, that would have been grand).

I wouldn't want my own mother to just invite herself along either. As a general rule it is really odd surely to just invite yourself along on someone else's holiday or trip?

Terrythetrex can't you just say No to your SIL?

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 26/01/2017 17:46

You really don't like this woman do you

Can I suggest MiL probably has a hidden special need/and or could she possibly be developing dementia, and cross those squares off too? Wink

Not relevant if Mil's lonely or wants a holiday or could be useful, or could even fly the aeroplane, or if DiL adores her or can't stand her. It's just not thoughtful or appropriate to muscle in on your GCs and D/Sil's rare time with the other side of their family and prevent them having what MiL enjoys frequently: exclusive time alone with them.

No might need to be a complete sentence, as if you give reasons you're inviting her to com up with solutions. (No, I'd like the kids to get that special time with my mum and dad i see them enjoy so much with you - oh I can pop to the shops or something, you'll hardly know I'm there!) I suspect you'll quickly discover with the 'no' if it was innocently thoughtless goodwill or if there's something else on her mind.

greeeen · 26/01/2017 18:06

Totally agree with rumbling
Just say no thank you, don't give specific reasons that can be argued with.

Bestthingever · 26/01/2017 21:43

She's trying to hijack your trip. That's shit. I used to live in my dh's country and really valued my trips home. I would have been so upset.

rollonthesummer · 26/01/2017 21:49

I would hate this! Make sure you are very clear that she isn't invited!!

Cherrysoup · 26/01/2017 21:59

The idea of her accompanying me would have upset me big time too. NC is, however, somewhat extreme when you could just be firm and say no. If she tries to insist, it's time to woman up and tell her why and get the DH involved. As the DC can walk unaided (can they, just checking!), you don't need help and this will be a fab opportunity for you to spend quality time with your family. You don't want to entertain her.

It's a bit odd for her to announce it as though it's a given. Speak to her soon before she takes it for granted that she's coming.