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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a weird thing for MIL to suggest?

133 replies

user1477282676 · 26/01/2017 10:57

She's usually nice but can be "full-on".

I've emigrated to DH's home country a year ago...obviously MIL lives here too.

She said yesterday "When you go home to visit, I'll come with you to help with the kids"

And I thought...erm...nope! I don't want it to be about MIL when I go home! I want it to be about my family!

So I said "Erm no...we'll be a bit wrapped up in visiting" and she said "Oh I'd do my own thing"

Except it wouldn't be would it? We'd be getting invitations to places and MIL would be sitting alone in a rental flat!

As if! AIBU to think it's an odd thing to suggest? DH and I have kids but they youngest is almost 9 and the eldest is 12...not small enough to need help with.

OP posts:
alpies · 26/01/2017 22:24

This is a control thing! She's scared the kids will get close to maternal GP so she wants to control. Had similar situation with MIL. She wanted to come on holiday with us to my home country and I had to put my foot down. I hadn't seen my parents for a year and I knew that she would have ensured my parents don't spent any time with them whilst controlling our hols. So I said No. this is my time with my family. Not acceptable. She wasn't happy and did lots of guilty comments to DP but hey ho, I don't give a shit! Go away u narc, I'm not allowing u to control my hols!

emmyrose2000 · 27/01/2017 08:50

*This would piss me off royally.

You live in her country, her family has more regular involvement in your DH and DCs life than your family do, she's in control and that's how she likes it. She wants in on this trip too, because the idea of you and dc having a life that has nothing to do with her makes her uncomfortable.*

This exactly.

MIL is very rude and selfish. What a gall to want to hone in on your brief time with your family when she has you/DC all to herself every other day of the year. If she can't see that your family is entitled to some alone time with you and the DC then I can see why you'd be tempted to go NC.

Whatever you do, don't tell her the exact departure time, airline/triain and date of your trip!

Fozzleyplum · 27/01/2017 09:06

Is MIL expecting you to pay (if you're flying)?

Huldra · 27/01/2017 09:15

There are several possible motives behind her offer but it's ok to say no. I would avoid bringing it up again and not discuss dates or what you're planning to do. If she brings it up a quick statement about how independent the kids are and you don't need help, thanks for the offer. End. Do not enter into a discussion.
What does your husband think?

rollonthesummer · 27/01/2017 09:17

I think you need to make it very clear that she won't be coming now as otherwise she's just going to assume it's ok. What does your husband think?

Where does she think she'd be sleeping?

SeaEagleFeather · 27/01/2017 15:46

Why not just say "This time it's just for us".

It's not worth wasting time and outrage over, just say that that you love her company but don't get to see your own family much and you would like it to be just the nuclear family this time.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 27/01/2017 15:55

I would suspect this is a control issue coupled with anxiety or fear surrounding your DC's relationship with rheir other grandparents - probably an element of fear of missing out too. I don't think it's anything to do with wanting a holiday.

I think you've got the right approach in being firm if she keeps on.

Caterina99 · 27/01/2017 17:04

I live abroad. Both my parents and inlaws live in the U.K. It's a delicate balancing act to make sure we visit both families for the same amount of time (and they get on with each other just fine)

My mum would go completely mental if I lived near my inlaws and then brought my mil with me on our only week home for a year. Granted my mum is a bit crazy, but the sentiment still stands. Your mil gets to see you and your kids all the time, your family doesn't. She should respect your time with them

mumto2two · 27/01/2017 17:55

This sounds exactly the sort of thing my MIL would suggest. The covert narcissist who does not want the world to spin without them being at the centre. Big on fake love and expert at offering 'help' you neither want nor need. Because there's always..always a catch!
Yes of course OP, this is odd, and yes you should politely refuse.
If however she is like my MIL, she will be hugely affronted by your rejection. My mil invited herself on our first ever weekend away as a couple..invited herself to 'help' DH with his house move into mine..for 3 months! Invited herself to help with my birth and new born..for another 3 months..the list goes on. I had to put my foot down in the end, and needless to say, relationships are very strained to say the least! Still does the fake love thing though..which is even more irritating when you've seen past the facade.
Good luck with your trip op, hope it all goes well.

wibblywobblywoo · 27/01/2017 18:03

Just say No, and with as little extra embellishment as possible so that there is nothing for her to 'fix' to make it OK that she can come "I know you said xxxxxx but......"

And I'd keep very, very quiet about it when it's actually booked so she can't 'surprise' you by booking her own seat on the same flight independently. If she queries it when it does finally get announced you could just say you wanted it to be a big surprise for the DC's so said nothing till just before you go.

Lucy7400 · 27/01/2017 18:03

I would have taken it as her being nice Confused. Whats your relationship like and is she normally nice? Is it a cultural thing?

Strongmummy · 27/01/2017 18:07

I don't it's weird or rude for her to ask, but it's totally understandable why you want to say no. So just say no.

Strongmummy · 27/01/2017 18:08

*think

38cody · 27/01/2017 18:10

I hitched a ride on my SIL's trip home to NYC - my suggestion. We had a ball. I just fancied a holiday and feel at ease with her, your MIL prob feels the same.

frozenfairy123 · 27/01/2017 18:15

I can completely understand how u feel. This trip is about u and your family. By the mil coming it changes the whole dynamic.
It's not weird she wants to come, probably loneliness though?
Just say not this time sorry. Xx

JackLottiesMum · 27/01/2017 18:20

This happened to me once and I agreed on the basis that we were clear that for 5 days of the visit my hubby and I would go by ourselves to spend time where we got married and honeymooned.
Of course it got to this period of the trip and m'n'law insisted on coming - with 4 other of my hubby's relatives! We had to hire a van!
I was upset but made it clear we were still going to visit where we got married etc.
But nope - literally after 10Mins on the road - the group decided they didn't want to go to these places as they saw them when we got married. And since they were on holiday they wanted to see something new!!! I got outvoted on my own trip to my homeland!!
My suggestion is you tell her your immediate family really needs a holiday together as a unit and she can come to your homeland another trip.

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/01/2017 18:23

God, I'd hate that! Step-MIL is lways saying 'Oh, we'll come with you!' when I say we're going to visit my relatives abroad.

I smile politely, change the subject and never ever tell her we've done anything about the trip until it's 2 weeks away

My family my space - piss off out of it unless you're invited!!

Nanna50 · 27/01/2017 18:29

Mother in laws ... Damned if they do ... Damned if they don't

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/01/2017 18:31

I don't think that there is anything wrong, with her asking, just as I don't think that there is anything wrong with you saying a firm, no thank you.
Just give her a hug, tell her that you are aware that she will miss you all, but you'll be back, before she knows it.
Enjoy your trip OP.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 27/01/2017 18:47

Mother in laws ... Damned if they do ... Damned if they don't

How would the MiL in this situation would be damned if she didn't say she was coming too (uninvited)? Confused Fairly sure no one would expect or criticise that at all?

What about the other MiL in this situation who hasn't seen her child/GC in months, won't see them again in months, and would have to share this precious time with the GP who sees them all the time and mostly has them to herself?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/01/2017 18:56

Oh bollocks, Nanna - this isn't a case of being damned if they don't at all! I don't know anyone who would actually care a button if their MIL DIDN'T ask/suggest/tell their DIL that they would accompany them to their homeland on a trip home - I know lots of people personally (and on this thread) who would hate it!

Bloody hell. Angry

loadofcrap10 · 27/01/2017 19:15

Can't understand the "no contact" threats/blackmail (that's what I see them as) that some of the ladies have on here, particularly where in laws are concerned.
It just highlights that you have issues with communication and that is the only/easiest way out you can see.
Why can't you just politely explain why you don't want her joining you?

DeathStare · 27/01/2017 19:27

Mother in laws ... Damned if they do ... Damned if they don't

I don't think any MIL (or anyone else for that matter) has ever been damned for NOT inviting themselves on someone else's holiday. Confused

Also, it's "mothers in law" not "mother in laws" Grin

bummymummy77 · 27/01/2017 19:35

Really selfish. I only get to see my family once a year and it's bad enough ds and dh having to come. Grin

catwoman0815 · 27/01/2017 19:40

very odd. I am an expat and if mil would want to join me when visiting family I rarely see back home I would tell her in no uncertain terms that this won't be happening. I find it really really odd.

if people don't have an expat background and only get to see their own family once or twice a year, then it may be hard to understand how important this special time with your own family and and that one certainly would want mil to come along.

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