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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know what to do!!!! Very very shit situation

147 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 16:26

I don't know if anyone remembers a thread I did back in the summer about my 18year old cousin finding out she was pregnant with my friends vile cheating fiancé?! Well I really don't know what to do, if IABU or not...

For anyone that doesn't know back story is basically that my cousin knew her bf had a gf but he had told her she was suicidal, depressed and he couldn't leave; she's 18, extremely immature and learnt a very hard lesson when she then fell pregnant and he was pressuring her to abort, it then came to light that his gf was my friend and they were engaged and ttc.

Anyway my friend called the wedding off and my cousin decided to keep the baby, when he realised that she wasn't going to abort he decided to step up and get involved. Originally they weren't actually together but just getting along for the sake of the baby. They have now decided to try and make it work and her parents are fuming, they don't trust him at all and quite rightly so, she is an extrememly immature 18 year old who is lovely but is definitely still a kid and wants a fairytale. I am 100% caught in the middle, I love my cousin but I can't stand to be around him, my friend plunged into such a deep depression after everything happened, she quit her job and just generally didn't want to do anything. Shes now asked me and DH if she can move in with us as her parents won't let him in the house still which I get is going to make things extremely hard when the baby actually comes and I'm hoping they will eventually come round. We've become close since finding out about the baby as she has really lent on me and I'm finding it hard to say no, we don't have a huuuuuge house but we definitely have room for them, she has said that it's a short term thing.
I think it will ruin my friendship though which is extremely important to me and I don't even want him in my bloody house!! He bloody threatened me, said I ruined his life and he makes me feel physically sick. I just don't know what to do?

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 30/12/2016 16:28

Why doesn't she move in with him?

Mrsfluff · 30/12/2016 16:29

Honestly? Say no. If she's going to become a parent, she's going to need to grow up and fast. It's unlikely it would be a short stay and it will definitely impact your friendship.

TaliDiNozzo · 30/12/2016 16:30

Tbh I thinking backing off from the situation is about all you can do. You're being out in a difficult position and it's not fair. You definitely do not need anyone from this whole sorry mess living with you.

Notsleepingeveragain · 30/12/2016 16:30

Tell your cousin that he isn't welcome but she always is. Then let them figure out the rest if they are desperate.

Do not allow a man who threatened you and makes you physically sick into your home.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 30/12/2016 16:30

Can she apply for social housing?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/12/2016 16:30

I wouldn't have him living with me personally. You can support cousin without letting them move in.

WinterIsHereJon · 30/12/2016 16:31

I think it would be a huge mistake.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 30/12/2016 16:31

Say no!!! without a doubt! Her parents don't want him around with good reason, she wants to play happy families, you would be enabling that. Steer well clear!!

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 30/12/2016 16:31

I would tell her that you love her but you cannot have him in the house so no.

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 16:32

Sorry but I would stay well out of it.

Support her but she can move in with lover boy seen as its his baby she is carrying and they are together now.
It's awful for your cousin but you reap what you sow.

Your friendship would be lost forever.

MakeMyWineADouble · 30/12/2016 16:33

I wouldn't agree personally. A 18 year old you say your self is young and a new baby will need help and support. Quite possible a lot Are you able to give that? Add that to having him in yours house loosing a friend and I doubt your aunt and uncle will be happy with you either! Try and get her to stay put if you can but I wouldnt let her move in.

Iloveswears · 30/12/2016 16:33

I remember your thread. Say no to your cousin. Not because of your friend (although that is a good reason) but because she should stay at home. Continue to provide support, but this bloke is a scumbag and I don't blame you for not wanting him in your home or life either.
Presumably at 18 and pregnant she doesn't have many options so maybe staying at home will mean she and her parents can work it out and she won't be isolated from them when this cheating arse hole inevitably lets her down again?
It's so hard, you have my sympathies.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2016 16:35

I remember your previous thread. I think you need to talk to her about the bigger picture and that her parents will probably let him come around for the baby but he needs to prove himself at the mo. Talk to her mum/your aunt and see what their view is. I remember you telling her about the original situation so I think you can broach her with this.

I wouldn't have her at mine if the reason is so they can be together more as he is likely to come over a lot the progress to staying over

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2016 16:36

She is going to have to make some hard decisions and needs to realise there is no fairytale here. The first step is realising that her BF is not welcome places because of his behaviour.

Door always open to her but not to him. Boundaries!

MrsGsnow18 · 30/12/2016 16:37

I don't think you should let her come to live with you. Her and a new baby and him around too is just too much. He will have to step up now and take responsibility like a proper adult and provide for them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2016 16:38

BTW I have pregnant teens in my house as part of a program (5 in succession so far over 4 years) and the issue is almost always the partner. The girls themselves are fine normally.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 30/12/2016 16:38

I remember your old thread. She does neeed support but not from the comfort of your house as you need to continue your friendship, and no doubt he'll move on. Awful being the middle.

RuggerHug · 30/12/2016 16:39

I remember your previous thread. Say no, even if it seems hard. Ask her why he isn't trying to sort somewhere for them if they want to be together? He wouldn't be allowed wait on my doorstep for her if she was in my place, let alone inside.

ElspethFlashman · 30/12/2016 16:40

No no no NO!

He will be practically living there. And you won't be able to have any boundaries cos he's the baby's dad.

Just NO.

SparkleShinyGlitter · 30/12/2016 16:40

Honestly say no! It's a huge fucking mess, and I'd want a nothing to do with it. She fucked your friends partner, just no way she wouldn't be living with me. Continue to Offer support if you wish, that is enough

Your cousin is about to become a parent and has some serious growing up to do by the sound of it.
She will have to stay with her parents OR he will have to step up a bit more and get them a home won't he

LagunaBubbles · 30/12/2016 16:40

Say no. Its got disaster stamped all over it.

Allthewaves · 30/12/2016 16:41

Sorry say no. Why should this crap bag of a man get to have it easy and play happy family's in your home, making you loose your friend in the process.

Hidingtonothing · 30/12/2016 16:42

I remember your old thread too, I would say no, tell her you will help her any other way you can but you can't offer them a place to live.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2016 16:43

"Shes now asked me and DH if she can move in with us as her parents won't let him in the house"
So what she's actually asking is for you to let HIM into your house? The one you can't stand to be around? WTF? You describe her as an "extremely immature 18 year old who is lovely" - well that is a very un-lovely thing to do!

Say no. The sooner she acknowledges that her fairytale is a fucking nightmare for everyone around her, the better. Not just for you but for her as well.

RandomMess · 30/12/2016 16:44

You need to say "no" because you won't being have that man in your home.