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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know what to do!!!! Very very shit situation

147 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 16:26

I don't know if anyone remembers a thread I did back in the summer about my 18year old cousin finding out she was pregnant with my friends vile cheating fiancé?! Well I really don't know what to do, if IABU or not...

For anyone that doesn't know back story is basically that my cousin knew her bf had a gf but he had told her she was suicidal, depressed and he couldn't leave; she's 18, extremely immature and learnt a very hard lesson when she then fell pregnant and he was pressuring her to abort, it then came to light that his gf was my friend and they were engaged and ttc.

Anyway my friend called the wedding off and my cousin decided to keep the baby, when he realised that she wasn't going to abort he decided to step up and get involved. Originally they weren't actually together but just getting along for the sake of the baby. They have now decided to try and make it work and her parents are fuming, they don't trust him at all and quite rightly so, she is an extrememly immature 18 year old who is lovely but is definitely still a kid and wants a fairytale. I am 100% caught in the middle, I love my cousin but I can't stand to be around him, my friend plunged into such a deep depression after everything happened, she quit her job and just generally didn't want to do anything. Shes now asked me and DH if she can move in with us as her parents won't let him in the house still which I get is going to make things extremely hard when the baby actually comes and I'm hoping they will eventually come round. We've become close since finding out about the baby as she has really lent on me and I'm finding it hard to say no, we don't have a huuuuuge house but we definitely have room for them, she has said that it's a short term thing.
I think it will ruin my friendship though which is extremely important to me and I don't even want him in my bloody house!! He bloody threatened me, said I ruined his life and he makes me feel physically sick. I just don't know what to do?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2016 19:08

I bet he's telling her it would be happily ever after too

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 19:12

MiddleClassProblem exactly!!

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 30/12/2016 19:22

OP
You've said it yourself...'once the baby comes she'll badger me' to have him around.
Don't set yourself up for a fall.
She's 18 and needs to realise what she has done and it's not all about her anymore.
She didn't stop to think about your friend.
She declined an abortion.
She's obviously manipulative and gets what she wants.
As another poster said 'you reap what you sow'
And you really don't want to lose your friend and cause even more distress to your dn's parents.

Damselindestress · 30/12/2016 19:22

I wouldn't do it, having a baby and a young new mother who will need support living with you would be a huge upheaval and a lot of pressure. She says she wouldn't expect the baby's father to be able to visit but the reason she wants to move out is her parents won't let him in the house so clearly she will pressure you to do so, especially after the baby is born. And that would be unacceptable since he threatened you. She has options, she can either stay with her parents or apply for council housing. I hope she will eventually realise this guy is bad news but I know it's not that simple with young love. You certainly can't be expected to enable the relationship though.

OnionKnight · 30/12/2016 19:24

Hell no.

NancyJoan · 30/12/2016 19:25

Is she living with her parents now? But wants to move because they won't have him in the house?

If that is the case, then that would be just the same if she lived with you-except she/he thinks you will be easier to get round.

Just say no, absolutely not, she has a home with her mum and dad, and if she wants to be with him, she can move to his?

MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2016 19:25

You know what it's like though when you're young and naive. He says he'll give you the moon on a stick and you think "wow! He's really going to give the moon on a stick!" And if you parents say he's not going to you just think that they don't know him like you do etc

HappyFlappy · 30/12/2016 19:27

I remember your previous thread.

Does your niece realise that he is just making the best of a bad job, that at best she will be second-best, and that he will throw her pregnancy and their baby back in her face (possibly literally!) every time they have an argument?

Her parents obviously see through him the bastard and want to try to protect her. If he REALLY cares, then he will put up with being treated like crap by them until he has proved himself.

But I think he will mess with her head, ruin her life and treat their child as a bargaining tool. If I were you I would not facilitate this.

CotswoldStrife · 30/12/2016 19:28

No.

I haven't read your previous thread, but the answer is still no! I also don't think your cousin is as naive as you think.

Upanddownroundandround · 30/12/2016 19:31

I think what you really need to keep in mind here is that she isn't in a desperate situation and she is not homeless. She does not need to move. It is because she wants to spend more time with her DP and this should not be her priority. Her priorities will shift anyway when the baby arrives so moving out will seem less important to her anyway. I would not let her move in. She will have to move out at some point and it will be awkward if you get stuck in a position of forcing her to move on eventually. Best to avoid that situation in the first place.

Meridien · 30/12/2016 19:39

I'm new here and haven't read the earlier thread. Do you own your home? Is it on mortgage? Would you need a mortgage lender's permission to take in a tenant? Landlord's permission likewise? What happens if you or a partner needs to move to go to a new job and you have a tenant who can't get anywhere else to live? What happens if your home is yours to sell and you have to give that legal assurance to a would-be buyer, that there's no other person with any legal rights of residence? You can't sell without that. What happens if (when!) boyfriend walks out and cousin and child apply for social housing? What are your obligations in that situation? If cousin leaves your home does she become deliberately homeless and therefore not eligible for Council housing which is in terribly short supply anyway? It seems to me the possible consequences of this could be further in the future than you're thinking of at present. Even taking in a tenant in a normal situation is something I'd want proper legal advice on. The voice in my head is screaming 'NO, NO WAY'.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/12/2016 19:52

He has offered her to move in with him but she isn't ready for that

The best thing her parents could do is encourage her into living with her bf.

She also needs to grow up fast.

If she did end up living with you and you too had banned her bf from the house I would think she would be off on nights out with bf making baby no.2 whilst you are left holding baby no 1

DearMrDilkington · 30/12/2016 19:52

How old is this guy?
I'm suprised she didn't jump at the chance to move in with him, maybe she isn't as naive as you think and realises where the relationship is headed..

Yanbu btw.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/12/2016 19:54

I think she just wants date nights with him and doesn't want the nitty gritty to impose

BadKnee · 30/12/2016 19:56

Agree with everyone else - NO.

She has a home. Cousin wants to stay with you because she thinks you will relent and the boyfriend will be able to stay over. You will sometimes be out. She will be at home on her own with a baby. he will come over. And when the rows start. And he leaves - you will be in the middle again. Will you send her back to her parents then? Or evict her and hope the Local Authority give her a home? It becomes your problem.

Someone should have been firmer with her when she was stupid enough to play around with an attached man, have unprotected sex and then decide to "keep the baby" as if it was a dress she'd bought online and couldn't decide either way.

If she had been made to think about the realities of this earlier she might have acted more sensibly. However - she will have to now.

I feel so sorry for her. She is in a shit situation and got into a mess because she was young and silly. She is best with her parents. You can't really do much to help and you need to support your friend whose life is in pieces. She will need a good friend to help her recover from this. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I was trying to have a baby, planning a wedding - and this happened. With a school girl!

Good luck OP you sound so caring and kind

DearMrDilkington · 30/12/2016 19:57

The best thing her parents could do is encourage her into living with her bf.

Why would that be the best thing? The girl obviously realises she's fucked up otherwise she'd move in with him and play happy families, i don't think she knows what to do now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/12/2016 19:59

She has a home with her parents. She also has an offer of another home from the bf. Why does she need another home

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 30/12/2016 20:13

No

StrangeLookingParasite · 30/12/2016 20:30

I don't think I've ever seen a set of circumstances that would be better served by a termination. Honestly, it's just a disaster. I know she's decided not to go down that route, but honestly, tying herself to this deadshit for at least eighteen years... jeez.

Branleuse · 30/12/2016 20:32

well i agree with strangelookingparasite but im assuming thats not what the 18 year old wants, or she would have done it

Bubz200 · 30/12/2016 20:40

I would think long and hard about it before you agree to anything. Last year my DH and I agreed to let his sister live with us temporarily as her mum was moving and she hadn't saved enough money to rent her own place (despite having 18months to do so) anyways she's still here and I regret it so much you wouldn't believe. Apparently it won't be for much longer and I'm counting the days. She's extremely messy, very lazy and invites people to our house that we ask her not to (other members of her family that we don't get on with). If you let her move in you will have to deal with her possibly having different living standards to yourself, her boyfriend and a new baby. It might well strain the relationship with your DH. Having my sister in law living with us certainly has caused arguments.

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2016 20:41

Hell no! She's not your child or your problem. It would totally piss off your 'aunt' and your friend and therefore your other friends. It would be a horrific impact on your relationship, too, supporting her when she has parents who will do the same and yes, the slimy cheating shitbag will no doubt try to worm his way in. It will also upset the rest of your family. So no, no, no, no!

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 30/12/2016 21:14

You know you won't be able to chuck her out once she has a baby. He'll be round (or not), she'll have the baby and be telling you she has no where else to go and you'll be wondering what the fuck you've done.

DJBaggySmalls · 30/12/2016 21:17

No. this will go bad very fast. It would also be a total betrayal for your friend.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 21:46

Ok so I have had a chat with her on the phone tonight. I said to her that I have had a think and no she wouldn't be able to live here and that there is no point as he will never ever be welcome in my home. She said that she knows that and she didn't want to live here for that, more because she fears that her parents just don't think she can cope with a baby and she wants the chance to prove she can, she knows I'm the sort of person who will let her get on with it and will just support if need be. She said that she just wanted to live here for a few months so her parents could see she can do it and then move back home. I've now spoken to her mum with her permission about her fears and she said that she doesn't understand why she thinks that so will be having a big talk tomorrow just the two of them.

This guy is just vile, absolutely vile, she told me tonight that she thinks she loves him even though she knows he's not a good guy. I can tell that he is just manipulating her and telling her all the things that she wants to believe but it's all just complete bullshit Angry

OP posts:
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