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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I really don't know what to do!!!! Very very shit situation

147 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 16:26

I don't know if anyone remembers a thread I did back in the summer about my 18year old cousin finding out she was pregnant with my friends vile cheating fiancé?! Well I really don't know what to do, if IABU or not...

For anyone that doesn't know back story is basically that my cousin knew her bf had a gf but he had told her she was suicidal, depressed and he couldn't leave; she's 18, extremely immature and learnt a very hard lesson when she then fell pregnant and he was pressuring her to abort, it then came to light that his gf was my friend and they were engaged and ttc.

Anyway my friend called the wedding off and my cousin decided to keep the baby, when he realised that she wasn't going to abort he decided to step up and get involved. Originally they weren't actually together but just getting along for the sake of the baby. They have now decided to try and make it work and her parents are fuming, they don't trust him at all and quite rightly so, she is an extrememly immature 18 year old who is lovely but is definitely still a kid and wants a fairytale. I am 100% caught in the middle, I love my cousin but I can't stand to be around him, my friend plunged into such a deep depression after everything happened, she quit her job and just generally didn't want to do anything. Shes now asked me and DH if she can move in with us as her parents won't let him in the house still which I get is going to make things extremely hard when the baby actually comes and I'm hoping they will eventually come round. We've become close since finding out about the baby as she has really lent on me and I'm finding it hard to say no, we don't have a huuuuuge house but we definitely have room for them, she has said that it's a short term thing.
I think it will ruin my friendship though which is extremely important to me and I don't even want him in my bloody house!! He bloody threatened me, said I ruined his life and he makes me feel physically sick. I just don't know what to do?

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 30/12/2016 16:44

Oh god say no!

She wants to move in with you and have him allowed in your home. I wouldn't have my friends cheating ex and the girl he got pregnant basically living in my home!

You are not this girls parent. Continue to offer support but not housing

If she thinks this man that was more than happy to jump in to bed with her when he had a partner is going to end like a fairytale she has one huge shock coming.

2 choices, she stays with her parents or he finds them a house

ChishandFips33 · 30/12/2016 16:44

I wouldn't

She's looking to be rescued when she (and he!) needs to be stepping up...you will end up continuing to 'save' her when things get bumpy --and you'll end up the parent of 3

Tell her you'll support her though

harderandharder2breathe · 30/12/2016 16:45

Say no! She and baby are welcome but he is not to set foot in the house.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 16:46

Sorry just to clarify, he wouldn't be moving in, he has his own place but he would want to come here to visit the baby, he has offered her to move in with him but she isn't ready for that and I'm happy about that as is her mum. I tried talking to her mum (who btw isnt my aunt but my first cousin but big age gaps) but she is adamant that until he can prove himself he isn't welcome and even less so now that they actually want to be a couple, it seems to have made it worse.

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 30/12/2016 16:48

I remember your thread. God what a mess. I'd say no if I were you. Your friendship would be ruined.

Original poster

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 16:49

I've made it clear that he will never be welcome in my home and she said that's fine but we all know that she will start badgering me once it's all real and the baby is here. Her mum doesn't know that she's asked me to live here and she will be really hurt when she finds out but I just think that at the moment their at loggerheads over a lot of things. She has no real clue what having a baby is going to mean

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 30/12/2016 16:50

He threatened you! Wtf. I wouldn't have him anywhere near my home

Valentine2 · 30/12/2016 16:50

I remember you op. And used to wonder about you sometimes.
Her parents are doing her a huge favour and hopefully after a few tough years she will realise this too. If you take her in, the whole point of what her parents are trying to do will be lost and your friendship too.
Sorry. Life is tough. There is a time for baby sitting your lovely cousins. This is not that time.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/12/2016 16:50

Why cant she move in with him given he has his own place.

Or actually doing stuff for herself burst her fairytale bubble

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 16:51

I think you need to follow her mum on this album one. If you let her move in with you just so she can see him then you will make the family dynamics worse.

If she wants to see him or he the baby then she can visit his place. No need for her to leave her mums.

They have screwed up and they need to deal with it now. She still has family support it is up to him to show he can be a good man and father.

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 16:51

Album......no idea where that came from

MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2016 16:51

If she knows he's not welcome at yours then what benefit is she looking for? Just space from her parents or that she can gradually wear you down?

Valentine2 · 30/12/2016 16:52

Just read your later posts! whoa! Tell them both to shove it where the sun donesnt shine. The cheek of it...

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 30/12/2016 16:52

Don't let her move in. Like you say she will start to ask to have him visit or possibly sneak him in behind your back.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 16:52

Oh god, that's hard, I think once she's in she's going to stay for a long time, and in addition will need a lot of help with the baby, she's only eighteen, as well as financial support, are you going to be able to do that? In addition, she's going to want him there a lot, inc staying the night. Your home will be turned upside down as basically you'll be moving in a family with an infant.

I think on balance I'd say no, but she can feel free to stay now and then as she pleases if it gets too much for her, but she can't move in fully and he isn't able to stay over night.

Allthewaves · 30/12/2016 16:52

She needs to stay at home. I think she's seeing you as a soft touch and thinks she will be able to twist it to have him around.

There's no need for her to move if he has his own place. She can take the baby to see him and stay the odd night with him

Libitina · 30/12/2016 16:52

Say no (it doesn't work for you). She is 18 and a mother to be, so she will have to mature very quickly.

She is not your responsibility. She will have to learn to stand on her own two feet. You can offer support in other ways.

ElspethFlashman · 30/12/2016 16:53

Yeah well the badgering will reach a whole new level if she moves in. Eventually they will edge his toe over the threshold. And then you're fucked.

And NOBODY will thank you for it. I guarantee all your niece will see is how unfair you're being that she can't get his help with the baby. And he'll still sneer at you every chance he gets. Your cousin will be raging at you, and you'll (quite rightly) lose your poor friend.

Don't be a mug.

thecatsarecrazy · 30/12/2016 16:55

If she hasn't already she needs to get herself on the housing list. Obviously I don't know what its like there but she can't expect to live with you. She needs to grow up.

mummydawn07 · 30/12/2016 16:56

say no, and try and stay on neutral ground, you love your cousin but also your friend too so you're kind of stuck in the middle! if he really is what everyone thinks of him then it won't be too long until she realises it too hopefully and will get rid.

DonutParade · 30/12/2016 16:56

I remember your previous thread, don't do it.

Branleuse · 30/12/2016 16:57

its very easy. You just say no. Shes taking the piss.

Eevee77 · 30/12/2016 16:57

No no no. And you're right, once the baby is here she will be pulling all kind of strings and you'll be left asking yourself how you can say no now. Give her advice on how she can find her own place but just say you really can't accommodate her living with you.

RebootYourEngine · 30/12/2016 16:58

I remember your thread.

She wants to move in with you because her parents wont allow a cheating scumbag who knocked up their daughter while he was engaged to someone else and also trying for a baby with his fiance.
She sound very immature.

Do not move her in with you.

Branleuse · 30/12/2016 16:58

i remember your previous thread too

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