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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I really don't know what to do!!!! Very very shit situation

147 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 16:26

I don't know if anyone remembers a thread I did back in the summer about my 18year old cousin finding out she was pregnant with my friends vile cheating fiancé?! Well I really don't know what to do, if IABU or not...

For anyone that doesn't know back story is basically that my cousin knew her bf had a gf but he had told her she was suicidal, depressed and he couldn't leave; she's 18, extremely immature and learnt a very hard lesson when she then fell pregnant and he was pressuring her to abort, it then came to light that his gf was my friend and they were engaged and ttc.

Anyway my friend called the wedding off and my cousin decided to keep the baby, when he realised that she wasn't going to abort he decided to step up and get involved. Originally they weren't actually together but just getting along for the sake of the baby. They have now decided to try and make it work and her parents are fuming, they don't trust him at all and quite rightly so, she is an extrememly immature 18 year old who is lovely but is definitely still a kid and wants a fairytale. I am 100% caught in the middle, I love my cousin but I can't stand to be around him, my friend plunged into such a deep depression after everything happened, she quit her job and just generally didn't want to do anything. Shes now asked me and DH if she can move in with us as her parents won't let him in the house still which I get is going to make things extremely hard when the baby actually comes and I'm hoping they will eventually come round. We've become close since finding out about the baby as she has really lent on me and I'm finding it hard to say no, we don't have a huuuuuge house but we definitely have room for them, she has said that it's a short term thing.
I think it will ruin my friendship though which is extremely important to me and I don't even want him in my bloody house!! He bloody threatened me, said I ruined his life and he makes me feel physically sick. I just don't know what to do?

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/12/2016 21:55

Why doesn't she move in with the babies father if she wants to prove herself.

RandomMess · 30/12/2016 22:04

Well done Trying - the last thing you want to do is alienate her from her parents and further into being reliant on that man!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2016 22:11

The fact is she has no clue how she will cope with a baby. 18 with an unreliable man, naive and silly? She might have a terrible time. At which point she will need her parents.

Valentine2 · 30/12/2016 22:17

op
Sorry but I think that after this talk, she doesn't look that innocent/naive to me. She knows she is going to need help. She knows she won't get it with this guy and is not trusting him. She also doesn't want to admit she is completely wrong. Not yet anyway. That's a shitty combination of warning signs. Get out of this and fast. Her parents are dealing her waaay better than you are to be honest although I truly admire your nice and kind nature.

paddlenorapaddle · 30/12/2016 22:20

It's such a mess time for you to take a step back, she needs to grow up she's going to be a mother and that starts with grown up decisions which can be difficult

So if I were you it would be a no

MakeMyWineADouble · 30/12/2016 22:32

ummmm this all feels a bit off she's desperate to get out of home but doesn't want to live with the father of her child and have her happy ending! Either a) she has a sense something is off with him but wants to save face (best option) or b) he has convinced her this is the best option cause he thinks he can get round your easier than her parents or he knows it will hurt his ex and your relationship!! He sounds a complete arse so I would say either is possible! Continue to be there for her but don't give her the easy out stay strong your doing the right thing

Jaxhog · 30/12/2016 22:36

Only say yes, if you don't mind supporting a 'grown' daughter and an infant and probably the father. Also if you don't mind losing your other friend.

Personally, I'd say no and run a mile.

Mrsmadevans · 30/12/2016 22:39

op I remember your thread a while back. Out of loyalty to your df and your aunt and uncle who do not like this man I think you owe it to them to say no. This is not your problem.

MardyGrave · 30/12/2016 22:51

How old is the father?

BillSykesDog · 30/12/2016 22:51

I remember the thread. This is going to sound harsh, but she's going to be a mother and have someone depend on her, she can't pretend she is a child anymore who can ask other people to meet her needs. Her child needs secure housing. This means if she won't stay with her parents she will have to go homeless to get council accommodation. It's a horrible experience but as soon as she faces the reality that she is now an adult responsible for housing, feeding and clothing an adult. Her and her child's lifestyle is dependent on her now, she can't assume that she will continue to have the same lifestyle as her family if she doesn't put in the work. A shock now may pay dividends for her and her baby in the long run. Say no.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2016 22:54

Oh good, I'm so glad you've told her "No".

It would have been so awful, because he WOULD have tried to come around, especially after the baby was born, and it would have been horribly awkward.

Glad that her parents are going to have a chat with her, and try to sort things through - she needs to be "on side" with them, they're going to be a huge support in the next several months/years.

I hope your friend comes to realise what a lucky escape she's had - and your cousin comes to realise what an utter shit she's acquired. I also hope that he fucks off entirely and leaves everyone alone - a wee bit sad for the baby, maybe, but who needs a shit bag like that in their life?

Good luck. xx

Wotshudwehave4T · 30/12/2016 22:57

Good for you, she does need to be at home. Perhaps her mum had been indicating some of what is to come and that she'd need some help and your niece took it as not being up to it and needing to prove herself by moving out. You will be more supportive and objective from afar. Don't relent, she can't move in.

YorkshireTree · 30/12/2016 23:00

You have done well. I hope her mum can talk some sense into her.

JinnanTonik · 30/12/2016 23:10

Well done OP, beautifully handled. It sounds like the young lady in question is already stretching the elasticity of truth when you said of her Mothers surprised reaction when you spoke to her.

IMHO, the young lady knows you are a generous spirit and would have wound you round her little finger, in a year she will be continuing her teenage years, partying and probably seeing unsuitable bf part deux and you my friend would be literally holding the baby. Her parents may not be so lenient with her absolution of care!

You are a wonderful kind hearted person, don't let people take advantage

Batteriesallgone · 30/12/2016 23:20

I remember that thread.

She doesn't sound lovely to me.

She knew he was cheating. She thought the gf was seriously mentallly ill and still had sex with him.

She had unprotected sex and got pregnant.

She got you involved in telling her parents

She is now trying to drag you in to the drama again

She is sharp enough to realise living with him would be a bad move

She sounds like a drama queen to me and selfish at that.

FastWindow · 30/12/2016 23:27

I also remember the thread. I advised as many did, to stay out but be a shoulder if necessary. The business was between the girl and her parents, and still is.

My advice is therefore the same as before - let the girl's parents do what they have to, to help her. She can prove herself just as well at home, in fact better, as they will be able to see first hand how she handles it.

She's a fool if she doesn't accept her parents help. All new parents are: that's what grandparents do.

Hope you can step back but not feel terrible for doing so.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2016 23:56

Remind her that he was saying all this to someone else when she was with him. That he was planning ga wedding and ttc even though he was with her. Tell just to keep some guard up and her wits about her whatever she feels.

Sometimes though you can get so blinded it doesn't matter what people say or what you know. I hope she doesn't find out the hard way.

Itmustbemyage · 31/12/2016 00:24

Even without the issue of the bf to consider, I really would advise against taking her in,when she has a supportive home with her parents. We have my teenage son and his 20 yr old pregnant girlfriend living with us. They really don't have much clue about what is ahead for them, thought to be fair to them probably none of us do before our first child, they are going to need a lot of practical support, it has cost us financially, and it has already caused problems between my DH and me. Realistically they could be living with us for a long time.
We didn't really want to house them but the baby is our grandchild so we want to make sure it has somewhere safe to live.
But honestly don't take on the responsibility, it's hard.

FittonTower · 31/12/2016 01:30

If she wants to prove she can do it alone she should get her own place. If she needs support she should stay with her parents. It's in her nest interest as well as yours that you say no

ollieplimsoles · 31/12/2016 01:35

Say no. The sooner she acknowledges that her fairytale is a fucking nightmare for everyone around her, the better. Not just for you but for her as well.

^this.

You have handled the situation really well so far op, she needs to grow up pronto. Keep watching this guy like a hawk.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2016 02:03

Tryingtostayyoung

Say NO.

No, because "I don't even want him in my bloody house!! He bloody threatened me, said I ruined his life and he makes me feel physically sick." so your cousin would be in exactly the same position as she is in at home, she would have a roof over her head but not access at home to the feckless tit who impregnated her.

Say No because you say "I think it will ruin my friendship though which is extremely important to me."

Say No because I seriously worry you would not feel able to deny this man access to his child and your cousin.

IF she wants to be with this man, and he with her, they need to find a way to be together, *but seriously both women, and you, sound like you would be much better off not seeing any more of him."

Do you have kids? are yo panning any? Just because you have a spare room does not mean a cousin needs to be installed.

You may find if you allow her to stay she will sneak 'her bloke' in and yuo will effectively be facilitating a relationship between a man who threatened you and makes you feel sick, with your young and impressionable cousin.

JUST SAY NO.

wtafloosingmymarbles · 31/12/2016 03:49

Say no. Its putting you in an awkward situation. Plus, if he fucks off again ypu could end up saddled with her and the child. She is immature too....so would you end up being the childs mum?!

Also, sorry to be blunt but she is happy to go with guys that are already taken....not a chance id be taking tbh....

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