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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know what to do!!!! Very very shit situation

147 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 16:26

I don't know if anyone remembers a thread I did back in the summer about my 18year old cousin finding out she was pregnant with my friends vile cheating fiancé?! Well I really don't know what to do, if IABU or not...

For anyone that doesn't know back story is basically that my cousin knew her bf had a gf but he had told her she was suicidal, depressed and he couldn't leave; she's 18, extremely immature and learnt a very hard lesson when she then fell pregnant and he was pressuring her to abort, it then came to light that his gf was my friend and they were engaged and ttc.

Anyway my friend called the wedding off and my cousin decided to keep the baby, when he realised that she wasn't going to abort he decided to step up and get involved. Originally they weren't actually together but just getting along for the sake of the baby. They have now decided to try and make it work and her parents are fuming, they don't trust him at all and quite rightly so, she is an extrememly immature 18 year old who is lovely but is definitely still a kid and wants a fairytale. I am 100% caught in the middle, I love my cousin but I can't stand to be around him, my friend plunged into such a deep depression after everything happened, she quit her job and just generally didn't want to do anything. Shes now asked me and DH if she can move in with us as her parents won't let him in the house still which I get is going to make things extremely hard when the baby actually comes and I'm hoping they will eventually come round. We've become close since finding out about the baby as she has really lent on me and I'm finding it hard to say no, we don't have a huuuuuge house but we definitely have room for them, she has said that it's a short term thing.
I think it will ruin my friendship though which is extremely important to me and I don't even want him in my bloody house!! He bloody threatened me, said I ruined his life and he makes me feel physically sick. I just don't know what to do?

OP posts:
jerryfudd · 30/12/2016 16:58

Nope. Her parents won't allow him in their home. You say you won't allow him in yours. So what exactly is her need to move as the circumstances are the same - unless of course she sees you as a soft touch and fully intends to be allowed to have him in your home despite your current protests. Say no, it will end badly

MummyToThree479 · 30/12/2016 16:58

So your cousin shagged your friends partner and now wants to move in with you and have him come to visit, the phrase over my dead body comes to mind. For christs sake say no

Sounds like she needs to grow up quite a lot. Did she really think she could shag somebody that already had a partner, get pregnant by him and her parents were going to say it's ok special snowflake he can come over any time he likes Confused if it was my DD I'd be livid she had acted that way and with him as well, no fucking way would he crossing over my door

Continue to offer support but as far as housing goes. Tough luck kid you stay with your parents, she's there problem

Also why if he has his own place can't she take the baby there to see him? Mums can get buses/train/taxi/ be picked up in a car

Maudlinmaud · 30/12/2016 16:59

I remember you. Just adding my No to the chorus

GeorgeTheThird · 30/12/2016 17:00

There is no way at all to keep the scumbag out once the eighteen year old moves in. I think you should say no and let her work it out with her mum.

happypoobum · 30/12/2016 17:01

I also remember your original thread.

I agree with PP - don't agree even to have her stay, as they will see that as a step nearer and before you know it, there will be some "emergency" where you will look like a total bitch if you don't allow him in, and then you are exactly where you didn't want to be.

Supportive from a distance, only thing to do here.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 30/12/2016 17:01

You need to do some straight talking to her. She thinks you're a soft touch because you are kind and he has probably seen you as a way in. Tell her she is welcome on the condition he doesn't set foot in the house and that this will not change once the baby comes.

Mistletoekids · 30/12/2016 17:01

No
No
No
NO

Don't do it

Leviticus · 30/12/2016 17:02

No. She has her parents for support and as the child's grandparents they are best placed to accommodate them.

I agree with a PP that she is likely to try to bring her bf into your house or why would she want to move in?

It sounds harsh but if she's having a baby with him she needs to grow up and either move in with him or accept her parents house rules.

Don't ruin your own relationships over this.

SarcasmMode · 30/12/2016 17:10

I remember the other thread too.

As much as I'd like to help she is an adult albeit immature one and needs to learn her responsibilities.

I'd probably offer to be birthing partner if she's not close to her Mum though.

pandarific · 30/12/2016 17:11

This is a terrible idea - you really, really should not get any more involved in this than you are. Say no. She can live with her mum, or your cousin - there's no reason at all for her to live with you.

ChristmasTreats · 30/12/2016 17:12

Say no, she can either visit his house with the baby or get a council house.

TheGruffaloMother · 30/12/2016 17:12

I remember you OP. And I remember thinking that you were putting yourself in the thick of a very awkward situation that wasn't really anything to do with you.

You say you and your cousin have become close recently. I'd be very hurt if I were your friend. That does look like you ever taken a side...against the innocent party. And your cousin obviously thinks you're now close enough that it isn't inappropriate asking to move in, despite the awkward situation and threats from her partner.

You really do need to say no and withdraw your involvement in the whole sorry saga.

Gallavich · 30/12/2016 17:15

Bollocks to that. She will need a huge amount of support with the baby and that's her mum's job to be honest.

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/12/2016 17:15

You need to make a mature adult decision yourself.

As to what that decision should be, I agree with PP.

girlelephant · 30/12/2016 17:15

I remember this thread and I'm another no.

If you agree to this even for a short period she will put you under pressure to allow him to visit the baby/then stay overnight to "help" with the baby etc. It will then no doubt lead to a longer than agreed stay as she has no real plans beyond living with you.

I also imagine it will negatively affect the relationship you have with your friend Andy our DCs parents.

Please do not become more involved. He sounds like an awful man and I'm sure once the pressure of a new baby occurs the relationship will run it's course.ultimately she may be young and naive now but she needs to grow up fast and that means making the best decisions for her and her DC

ShowMePotatoSalad · 30/12/2016 17:15

You will actually be doing her a favour if you say no. She needs to now grow up very fast and start preparing for the baby arriving. Standing on her own two feet doesn't mean moving in to her cousin's huge house and getting loads of help.

If worse comes to worse she can live with her parents. I would honestly stay out of this...it's not your responsibility to sort the situation out. There are many other ways you can offer her support without taking her in.

TheWoodlander · 30/12/2016 17:16

Do nothing. Do not let her move in. Try to step back from the drama of this whole thing. Some people absolutely live their lives like car-crashes, and god help you if you actually become embroiled in it.

thethoughtfox · 30/12/2016 17:17

Dear God, no.

Silverdream · 30/12/2016 17:17

It won't be simple. She'll rely on you emotionally, financially and practically when the baby is born. There is no way she would be able to afford rent food and baby stuff. She will lean on you heavily emotionally and then need practical help looking after the baby. The bf may visit when your not there. You will become her mum. She needs to be at home with her parents and have you as a support outside that relationship

MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2016 17:25

It's a majority no, if not unanimous

Branleuse · 30/12/2016 17:25

if you take her in, you will be coming between your neice and her mother

GabsAlot · 30/12/2016 17:25

the man that threatened u for telling the friend

thats a no then-what benefit will she get anyway if youve said hes not welcome

she should grow up and take responsibiltiy either move in with him or go tothe council

shes not your problem to fix

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/12/2016 17:30

No. If they want to be a couple? (His place)Then let them move in together. Hopefully, her eyes will be opened.

Don't make her your problem.

Don't rub your friends nose in it either...

Benedikte2 · 30/12/2016 17:33

I agree with the majority who say no. No advantage to X be had staying with you other than she feels you'll be a softer touch than her parents. She should stay where she is until she feels ready to move in with bf -- why doesn't she feel ready? Does she have doubts already? Living with you and seeing bf regularly will just draw out the affair and make it easier for bf. Expect parents have said they won't babysit so she can run around with bf and maybe she hopes you'll babysit?

humblesims · 30/12/2016 17:34

I really understand why you are considering it. I think you realise that your cousin is going to need support when the baby comes and that she is a bit 'vulnerable' being so young and immature and that her relationships with the father and her mother are going to be fraught to say the least. But really this is such a shit storm that I fear that you will be putting yourself in first line of fire from all parties if you let her move in with you. She will lean on your for more support than you may be able to give once the baby comes, especially if the father fucks off (he will most likely wont he?) and you will lose your friendship with his exDP. You may ruin the relationship with your aunt/firstcousin/whatever. I think its not a wise move even though your motives are sincere. I would consider talking to her mother about it.

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