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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know what to do!!!! Very very shit situation

147 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 16:26

I don't know if anyone remembers a thread I did back in the summer about my 18year old cousin finding out she was pregnant with my friends vile cheating fiancé?! Well I really don't know what to do, if IABU or not...

For anyone that doesn't know back story is basically that my cousin knew her bf had a gf but he had told her she was suicidal, depressed and he couldn't leave; she's 18, extremely immature and learnt a very hard lesson when she then fell pregnant and he was pressuring her to abort, it then came to light that his gf was my friend and they were engaged and ttc.

Anyway my friend called the wedding off and my cousin decided to keep the baby, when he realised that she wasn't going to abort he decided to step up and get involved. Originally they weren't actually together but just getting along for the sake of the baby. They have now decided to try and make it work and her parents are fuming, they don't trust him at all and quite rightly so, she is an extrememly immature 18 year old who is lovely but is definitely still a kid and wants a fairytale. I am 100% caught in the middle, I love my cousin but I can't stand to be around him, my friend plunged into such a deep depression after everything happened, she quit her job and just generally didn't want to do anything. Shes now asked me and DH if she can move in with us as her parents won't let him in the house still which I get is going to make things extremely hard when the baby actually comes and I'm hoping they will eventually come round. We've become close since finding out about the baby as she has really lent on me and I'm finding it hard to say no, we don't have a huuuuuge house but we definitely have room for them, she has said that it's a short term thing.
I think it will ruin my friendship though which is extremely important to me and I don't even want him in my bloody house!! He bloody threatened me, said I ruined his life and he makes me feel physically sick. I just don't know what to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 17:36

Ok this has made me feel like my initial gut reaction of hell no was correct, I just can't help feeling bad about it.

I definitely have taken a side; my friends, were still very close, I can't ignore my family though and would never ever be around him and my friend knows this.

OP posts:
User006point5 · 30/12/2016 17:38

Has she contacted the council? Would they not have some suitable accommodation if she has nowhere else to go? I guess it depends on where you are, but two of DH's nieces were in a similar position and both got really nice places that way.

Marmalade85 · 30/12/2016 17:41

She should live as a single mother and apply for benefits and housing etc and he can see the baby since they aren't in a proper relationship anyway. I'm sure he'll lose interest pretty soon.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 30/12/2016 17:42

No no and no again!

I remember your thread too. I feel for you op, you were caught in the middle I know but with the greatest of respect you need to step back a bit for your own sake. She might be a "lovely girl" but she's not that lovely or immature/innocent (putting it mildly), you will be doing her no favours moving her in, it will deeply effect your friendship and your relationship with her mother too. She needs to step up now and cop on and you need to step away, the odd babysitting night or cute outfit and after that she needs to take some responsibility for her own situation.

Anyway if he isn't welcome in her mothers house or yours then what does she gain from the move? Only she knows she will manipulate you when she is in and suddenly he will be around your house and you will be paying for them to play happy families? Not a hope

Nocabbageinmyeye · 30/12/2016 17:47

And I know you are obviously close but this is your cousins child, that makes her your second cousin, isn't that right? You can feckin marry a second cousin, that's how close the law sees that relationship. Nope, she had free will and she has a mother, do not turn your life upside down for what will be a thankless task in the end for you

sarahnova69 · 30/12/2016 17:53

Has she contacted the council? Would they not have some suitable accommodation if she has nowhere else to go?

I haven't been in this situation, but when people have been on other threads I think the outcome has been a) the council consider that she does have somewhere to go, her parents' home, so she is a very very low priority for housing; b) the 'high priority' housing available for vulnerable pregnant teenagers is B&B accommodation shared with some fairly unsavoury characters. She hasn't been thrown out of home, so she could try and get added to the list for the future but she is much better off where she is than what the council would give her.

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/12/2016 18:08

Of course you can't help feeling bad about it. That is why it is a difficult decision, one to which you have to apply your maturity, which is giving you good advice through your gut feeling.

By all means, go on supporting her in other ways - but don't get exploited in the process.

EweAreHere · 30/12/2016 18:12

I remember that thread. What a mess.

I would say no. Tell her she's going to need her parents' support, and she needs to stay home where she's going to get that. Plus, the father of the baby wouldn't be allowed in your house either because (a) he hates you, (b) he betrayed your friend, and (c) you are still friends with your friend.

You can love and support your cousin while she lies at home. Tell her you plan to do so. But she can't move in with you. That's just not an option.

liletsthepink · 30/12/2016 18:15

No, don't do it.

Your cousin needs to accept that she has to live with her parents or move in with her bf. She isn't going to be out on the streets so you don't need to rescue her from homelessness. The only reason she wants to live with you is because her parents won't allow her bf to live there too.

To be honest, your cousin sounds quite manipulative to have asked you to help. Unless you are happy to have her, her bf and the baby living there long term (probably rent free too) you have to say no and be definite when you say it.

Scooby20 · 30/12/2016 18:18

Sorry but i dont think she is naive.

She is playing you all to get what she wants. Which is to live in someone elses house with little responsibility while her and this dickhead play happy families. And you all let her do it.

JinnanTonik · 30/12/2016 18:20

RebelRogue
Why doesn't she move in with him?

Hear, hear!! He's not exactly proving his worth as a Father, he isn't even providing a roof over the childs head!

Olympiathequeen · 30/12/2016 18:23

She could stay with you for a maximum of 6 months but her bf would be banned totally. She won't lose the use of her legs after she has a baby so can meet outside or at his flat.

What a mess. Won't end well for anyone, but I am thinking about the baby.

northernshepherdess · 30/12/2016 18:26

He's gonna step up... let him step up.. and provide his baby and it's mother with the home they need.
That's one problem solved.
If she's big enough to make the choice to have a baby then she's big enough to take the responsibility of it... even if that's going it alone without dk head dad. That's what responsible people do.
She's made the bed, he's laid in it knowing it wasn't hers to lay in... its your friend who hasn't brought any of this on herself and she has been ttc which means not only has she lost everything she thought was good but she's also missed out on the baby she dreamed of and clearly wanted while watching some silly people take it from her.
Let the children play house and continue supporting your friend.
We don't have an obligation to those blood related any more than anyone else in this world

dollydaydream114 · 30/12/2016 18:26

he wouldn't be moving in, he has his own place but he would want to come here to visit the baby, he has offered her to move in with him but she isn't ready for that

But she is ready to have his baby? Jeez.

OP, none of this shit-shower is your problem. Also, if you won't have this dickhead of a man in your house (quite rightly) and neither will your cousin's parents, then there is no difference between her living with her parents and living with you. You are not going to help her grow up by pandering to her.

She has a choice. Move in with him, or stay with her parents. If she wants to stay with her parents and they won't let him in the house, that's fine - she'll be perfectly capable of taking the baby over to his place for visits.

Frusso · 30/12/2016 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheGruffaloMother · 30/12/2016 18:35

I don't think anyone is saying you should start ignoring her. But becoming closer to her is obviously sending the wrong message if her next step is 'and also can I move in with you despite already having somewhere to live'.

DinosaursRoar · 30/12/2016 18:39

I agree you should say no to her moving in.

But I do think you should speak to her mother about banning him from the house - does the mother realise if she's trying to stop him having too much influence over her DD, then putting them in a position where they can't see each other in the home, particularly as the pregancy progresses so she's not really wanting to be out elsewhere is going to push them to his house/flat - and the harder it comes to have a 'family' in her parents home, the chances are, giving it a go and living with him seems very attractive.

MillionToOneChances · 30/12/2016 18:41

I think you have to say that he is not welcome in your home but she is, and that your position on that will not change. So she could move in (if you're happy with that) but any father-baby time will take place at his home, not yours (or her mum's). If she sees that your position is the same as her mum's she'll probably just stay at home which is best all round. After all, you can't support her financially (I assume) so she'd need to make a contribution.

YeOldMa · 30/12/2016 18:42

Some local councils will help out with a deposit so she can live independently with her baby if you can find a kind private landlord. There are some of them out there; a young couple we gave a chance to have now just vacated our flat to a bigger place as we gave them the opportunity to get references and a credit history.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 30/12/2016 18:47

She could stay with you for a maximum of 6 months but her bf would be banned totally

That may work intitially but over time she'll be asking for him to come round or she'll be sneaking him round when the OP is out. And after six months what if she has nowhere to go. By that time she'll have a newborn. It just simply has to be a no.

kateandme · 30/12/2016 18:49

be the one she can come to if she needs to and if like everyone thinks It all fall apart your home might be better used to stay in then...
living under the same roof wont be short term no matter what they say.
and it will cause frther tension which Is no way for your her or a new baby to live.
sit her down honestly and say you will be there for her a hundred percent but it needs to be from a point of perspective and so not toppled together in one house where tensions will cause fractures.

Hellochicken · 30/12/2016 18:58

I remember the thread too.

I am quite a people pleaser/soft touch but I definitely agree - no

I'd probably say no but offer that she could come round in the day or evening with baby for a "breather" if it got confrontational at home with parents. I'd say that it is new for them and as they see her "step up" to look after baby then their relationship might improve. If she is very immature I think she is probably better not moving out on her own.

and I too think speaking to her mother about how it will work with him after baby born, will she take baby to his house?

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 19:02

I don't think her mum is trying to stop him being in the babies life, she didn't put the ban on him until they decided they wanted to try and be together!! My guess is that as soon as the novelty of the baby has worn off he won't be interested, the things I have learnt since this all came out from my friend, you just really don't know what happens behind closed doors.
She asked if he could come to bloody Christmas when we all got together, it's just a sign for further problems to come!!

I do truly think she's very naive, she got taken in by this flash gir because she was an impressionable teenager, found herself pregnant and now she's desperately tying to hang onto what she thinks could be her happily ever after.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 30/12/2016 19:06

Well, her mum might not be trying to stop him being in the baby's life, but if he's now not allowed in the house, either he doesn't see his child or the DD and the baby leave. If the latter option is not one the mother wants, then she's got to be careful how she plays this - your cousin might be a very young 18 year old, but she's still an adult, and can just move out if being at home isn't going to work for her. And if he is offering her a home, then it's going to be tempting.

But you should still refuse to get involved.

MissJSays · 30/12/2016 19:07

I remember you op! I weirdly found myself thinking of you a few weeks ago actually.

I would say absolutely not, over my dead body.

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