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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having just one child could be fine, or is it a mistake ?

133 replies

firstimer30s · 23/12/2016 13:50

I have an adorable , boisterous toddler who is 3 yrs old . I also have a satisfying career which I enjoy and pays well.

DH has a busy, high pressure job and it is unlikely to ever change. We don't hv any family nearby who can help.

Family and friends , as well as DH, say it's time for another one.

I would happily stop at 1. It is manageable (just) and we have quality time together.

But is it a mistake to just have 1 ?

DH says it's harsh and lonely for DC to be an 'only ' - he has a DB who he's close with. I have a DS who I am not at all close with

I've only just got some of my life back , the odd evening out with a friend , the odd date with DH.

How many DCs do you have ? If 1, did you regret it ? If more than 1, how did you make the decision to and are you happy ?

OP posts:
Elanrode · 23/12/2016 13:58

There is absolutely no way of predicting. You have to do what's right for you and your family.

Fwiw I think you should have a baby because you want a child. Not because your son or daughter might want a brother or sister.

Mottled · 23/12/2016 13:58

Your body, your choice. I have three but work part-time. I don't think that 2 is always more work, my eldest 2 play together but my younger one (7 yr age gap) is always wanting more attention as he is a bit like an only with no play mate....

Famalam13 · 23/12/2016 13:59

DS is only 10mo so can't say whether we will regret it or not but we are sticking with one :) Perhaps show your husband all the research that shows that only children are not lonelier than other children and that they are more successful etc etc. Don't let anyone pressure you into another DC, only do it if it is what you want :)

NotSayingImBatman · 23/12/2016 14:01

Fuck me I wish I'd only had one.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I adore DC2 and wouldn't swap him for the world but life was so very much easier with one. Also, now DC1 is at school we could have been done with nursery fees and been substantially better off each month by now as well.

If you don't actively want a second, don't bother. Your son will be absolutely fine without a sibling to fight with.

StoorieHoose · 23/12/2016 14:01

I have an only DD is 10 now and we are extremely happy as a family of 3. I get to spend time with DD and DH as well as have time for myself. I dint have to act as a referee between children arguing, bickering etc and my house is quiet but fun and lots of laughs

syntheticharmony · 23/12/2016 14:01

I have 1, nearly 6 years old.

No desire on either my or DPs part to have more children. Our child is content, we're content and I couldn't imagine throwing a new baby/sibling into the mix.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/12/2016 14:04

We have one Age 10 and a good quality of life. I didn't have another for medical reasons but with hindsight it has suited us well. I work part time in a professional role, she has a high pressure role/travels a lot. Lonely only is an old fashioned stereotype. Dad can have sleepovers, friends over to play (we live deliberately on a new build estate so she has mates to call for ) does several activities. Personally unless you have an overwhelming desire for number 2 I'd stick with one.

ShatnersWig · 23/12/2016 14:04

My parents only had me because they couldn't afford to have more children.

I have never once accused them of making a mistake by not providing me with a sibling.

Nonsense.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/12/2016 14:05

Should be dh has a high pressure role/travels a lot

cherryblossomcarpet · 23/12/2016 14:05

I have 2, but dsis and cousins all only have 1. The only children are every bit as happy and balanced as my 2. My choice to have a second was a selfish one. I love kids, I wanted more than one. DD had to adjust to having a sibling. It took a while, and they fight like cat and dog at times but they are very close. I hope they always will be but you never can tell.

SleepFreeZone · 23/12/2016 14:06

I think having one is lovely. I tried exceptionally hard and have eventually managed to have DC2. Fucking hell though it's very very very hard work and I'm a SAHM.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 23/12/2016 14:07

I have one 16yo
Never regretted it
She isn't lonely
Happy, clever, emotionally mature and confident
Don't have another for anybody else- dh, your child, family
Do it only if it is what YOU want

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 14:08

I've one, it's not lonely, how many people hang with their siblings as young kids versus how many hate their siblings guts. Kids hang out with their own friends, especially when there is a gap of three or more years.

Have another one if you both wish, but don't have another one because you think an only child is lonely. They are only lonely if they have no friends, not because they have no siblings.

ChocolateButton15 · 23/12/2016 14:11

I have one 4 year old. I do really like just having one, the benefits I find are

  • she's very confident and picks up friends easily. She always finds a child to play with wherever we go. I think this is because she hasn't got any siblings she has to put herself out there a lot more.
  • cheap days out, we go out a lot because it's not expensive with one
  • it's easy to find family to babysit so we can still go out
  • she gets all of our time.
  • I'm not close to my siblings and rarely see them so I get that even if she had a sibling they might not even get on Downsides are
  • she sometimes thinks the world revolves around her but this has got better since starting school
  • she can be spoilt inadvertently by ourselves and family
  • she wants a sibling
  • I do worry about her being lonely, especially when we get old or die.
  • people often tell us it's "cruel" or "unfair"
MrsBobDylan · 23/12/2016 14:12

One is fine - it is lovely to be able to concentrate on your child and have that special relationship. Plus, siblings can grow up close or can loath each other, it's one of life's lotteries!

I think you need to talk with dh though - is he very set on another?

Original poster
firstimer30s · 23/12/2016 14:14

Thank you all for the responses

I feel (deep down ) selfish and lazy to not 'have the energy ' for more than 1.

Famalam13, is there research re onlies being successful etc? I've never heard it

I don't hv an overwhelming desire for another . But DC is very very sociable and 'needs' other children to play with. Literally holds hands with stranger children in the playground every time we go

DH says he will respect my decision but will be very sad about only having 1

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 23/12/2016 14:15

I have 2 DC with 3 years in between. I had another because I wanted another but also because I was an only child and hated it. It was always in my mind never to have only 1. I am happy with the decision.

Stickerrocks · 23/12/2016 14:15

I have a sibling and my DH has 2. I never imagined that I would be "one and done", but that is the way things worked out. I hated that toddler time when all of my friends were on their second pregnancy and every comment seemed to be directed at DD not being lonely for much longer, because I always felt I had to explain myself.

I have a great career which I didn't want to let slip. We choose good nurseries and schools and I don't think DD has had any more friendship issues than anyone else. We travel and have spare cash to experience a lot of things together as a threesome. I don't consider it to be a mistake at all.

Original poster
firstimer30s · 23/12/2016 14:16

ChocolateButton15, people often tell me it's selfish and 'unfair '

Also, DH's mum was v sick and he says it would hv been too hard to deal with if he didn't hv any siblings

OP posts:
Astro55 · 23/12/2016 14:18

I have 3 and its chaos most of the time - I know lots of only children and they aren't any different to mine.

Some find it difficult to share - or lose games - but they grow out of it anyway -

99% of kids grow up to be nice adults -

Original poster
firstimer30s · 23/12/2016 14:19

Stickerrocks
I am going through that now! Everyone around me just had their second one and is telling me DC needs a sibling already

OP posts:
TheHighPriestessOfTinsel · 23/12/2016 14:19

we were happy to stop at one, and planned to do so.
DC2 was a very happy accident. We're grand as a family of four, and I wouldn't change things, but I have no doubt whatsoever that we'd have been grand as a family of three as well.

I certainly wouldn't feel compelled to have another simply to provide sibling. My two have never got on or played together. In fact, the last time they were happily chatting with one another was when they were wishing DH and I would divorce, so that they'd get to spend lots of time in separate houses without the other sibling being there!

Stitchosaurus · 23/12/2016 14:19

I have an only and we all love it that way. I did struggle with the whole "it's cruel to have an only" thing, but to create another human just to provide a playmate seems utterly insane to me, so we didn't!

hels71 · 23/12/2016 14:23

I have one, not through choice, but let me assure you she is not lonely or any of the other negative things you hear about onlies. She is happy and confident, has some very close friends and is brilliant at turn taking and sharing (more so than some of her cousins who have siblings might I add..)

Famalam13 · 23/12/2016 14:23

I would link to stuff OP but on phone and not sure how to! If you do a Google Search though you will find numerous research articles showing that only children tend to be more successful especially more so than children from families with more than 2 children :) I am not in anyway criticising bigger families by the way just providing some positives of only children!