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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having just one child could be fine, or is it a mistake ?

133 replies

firstimer30s · 23/12/2016 13:50

I have an adorable , boisterous toddler who is 3 yrs old . I also have a satisfying career which I enjoy and pays well.

DH has a busy, high pressure job and it is unlikely to ever change. We don't hv any family nearby who can help.

Family and friends , as well as DH, say it's time for another one.

I would happily stop at 1. It is manageable (just) and we have quality time together.

But is it a mistake to just have 1 ?

DH says it's harsh and lonely for DC to be an 'only ' - he has a DB who he's close with. I have a DS who I am not at all close with

I've only just got some of my life back , the odd evening out with a friend , the odd date with DH.

How many DCs do you have ? If 1, did you regret it ? If more than 1, how did you make the decision to and are you happy ?

OP posts:
TiredMumToTwo · 23/12/2016 14:24

I have two and a step daughter, I work full time and life is v tough. A couple of friends a time work have only ones and I envy them as they spend more quality time with their kids and obviously have more money / energy for treats and trips. If I had my time again I'd probably stop at one.

Patriciathestripper1 · 23/12/2016 14:24

I had 3 DD then 16 years later DD no 4. She has practically been an only child since the age of 3 as our other DD's left to live with partners and now have their own dc.
Must admit it's great just having one DD now. If I had to choose I'd just have had 1 (not saying which thoughWink)

kiki22 · 23/12/2016 14:26

I have 2 but lots of family and don't need to work unless I choose too if I had no family and worked I would have stayed with 1.

ChocolateButton15 · 23/12/2016 14:28

I don't think it is selfish to have one though. My choice is mostly due to a traumatic birth but we have a comfortable life with one. Sometimes I'd like another but in reality I couldn't imagine it.
Someone told me once my partner would leave me and have more kids with someone else Hmm but on the other side reading the thread where the two kids ruined the Xmas hamper and lilliput houses, people are also just as judgey about big families.
it's more difficult for you that your partner wants another one and you don't.

PandoraMole · 23/12/2016 14:28

I am an only child and I have just one DD.

It's what you make it tbh. I've never felt lonely or hard done by through not having siblings and my DD would be horrified to acquire brothers or sisters at this stage (she's 12).

I am able to have a great 1-2-1 relationship with her whilst also working and having time for myself, which I need to stay sane.

Tbh I am a much better mum of one that I would have been had I had multiple children.

m0therofdragons · 23/12/2016 14:30

Dd1 tells me one is the perfect number and if she has kids she'll only have one as more than that is madness - she's the eldest of 3. Her sisters are quite loud! Do what you want rather than what society dictates. We went for a second after really struggling to decide whether we wanted another. We had a lightbulb moment seeing dd play on the beach in holiday. Surrounded by families with siblings playing dd was very much in her own. We decided there and then that we wanted a second (then had twins - if there is a god he is taking the ####). Actually love my bigger-than-planned family but you have to do what's right for you and there are pros and cons either way.

Stickerrocks · 23/12/2016 14:36

Firstimer30s It does pass quickly. There was a second phase of telling me how easy everything was for me, because I could only agree with delight!

Positives include never having to compromise at the cinema/ theme parks etc because there is no little sibling who is too small to do the same thing. Having more choice of hotel rooms as you only need a sofa bed. Being able to afford to send her on school trips, because you only have one to pay for. Not having to buy bigger cars/ a bigger house so we cash to spend on having fun. Focusing all our attention on her & not having to spread ourselves more thinly.

Negatives: One of us always had to go on theme park rides with her, until we roped in her uncle instead. A day out for 3 can easily cost as much as a family ticket for 4. She cannot imagine how we can possibly have fun without her.

Talk to your DH about how you feel and both decide the way forward, whether that is with or without another child together. If you do stick with one, you won't be alone. Can you honestly say that your family & friends who are adult only children have any more issues than those with siblings? I know it feels at your stage as though you are the only one with one, and everyone else is pressurising you to join their gang, but there are an awful lot of us there who don't see it as a mistake and love the life we have. I've just checked with DD(15) & she agrees as well.

Trixiebelle16 · 23/12/2016 14:48

I have one dd and that is how it will stay. I did feel guilty for a while but once I embraced our decision I felt a lot happier. We do so many things together that wouldn't be possible if there was a toddler in tow too and we have some lovely one to one time. I'm a happier more chilled our mum having just the one to worry about and dd is a bright happy child because our little family unit is strong and happy.

Cinnamon2013 · 23/12/2016 14:49

I love my two. I love seeing them make each other laugh - there is nothing better in the world.

But god it's hard work. such hard work. The lack of sleep with two and the conflicting demands have nearly broken me this first year. My marriage is 10% of what it was. Do what you want - don't be pressurised. The impact on my DH's career and self-esteem has been zero. I'm in a completely different position.

Dozer · 23/12/2016 14:51

So if you agreed to DC2 much of the parenting and increase in domestic work (and risk of health/career detriment - for me this was much worse after DC2) would fall to you? While your H continued to work long hours. Doesn't sound fair!

SassyPants19 · 23/12/2016 14:53

I was happy with one and then we lost my mother in law and during that horrible time I saw how important my brother in law was to my husband. My Hubby passed comment that he didn't want our daughter to ever suffer that experience alone. We took the plunge and now I have two crazy pickles. It is full on but he's just turning 11months and it's getting easier. I'm also beginning to see the joy they bring to each other. No regrets now.

Dozer · 23/12/2016 14:55

I had secondary infertility and was over the moon to have DC2, and do like having two DC, but sadly aspects of my experience was like cinnamon! Work has been particularly hard.

TonaldDrump · 23/12/2016 14:57

I have three but with a big gap between #2 and #3. In many ways, dd3 is like an only - at least in terms of siblings as playmates. Sometimes I see the relationship between dd1 and dd2 and have a twinge of regret that dd3 won't have that but I won't have dc4 just for her to have a playmate. As others have said, that's what nursery, school and clubs etc are for. If you're happy with what you've got, then stop. Your ds will be fine!

TonaldDrump · 23/12/2016 14:59

sassypants

We decided on dd3 after losing my mum. I think grief does something to you! No regrets either, she's brought us so much joy, but it's been a crazy ride!

HeddaGabbler · 23/12/2016 14:59

Selfish is a weird accusation thought, isn't it?! Surely actually having children is the most selfish thing to do considering they don't ask to be born & all the extra burden on the planet. I have an 18 month old. He is a joy but will be an only child. I have a sister, she is the source of a lot of grief in my life so o personally don't think siblings are all that! I know so many people who have terrible relationships with their siblings, to the point of being non contact with them. So a sibling is not the be all and end all.

Thingmcthingyface · 23/12/2016 15:00

Placemarking for simillar dilemma

user1471553758 · 23/12/2016 15:04

You can't have a child just to be a friend with the other how can you ever be sure of that? Also not to help out when parents die, my partners parents died and his two siblings caused hell for him with all the bickering! The reasons you all give for having siblings is just as ridiculous as saying it's selfish to have one child.

TheMortificadosDragon · 23/12/2016 15:12

Of course it's fine to just have one. Especially if, as you describe OP they're outgoing and gregarious.

I've got one DD, nearly 18 and I don't regret not having more. She has good friends, and in this day and age it's so much easier to keep in touch with people when they go their separate ways physically.

MsHybridFanGirl · 23/12/2016 15:18

I have one child. I'm now a single parent and DD is 11. She now has a chronic health condition and I thank my lucky stars I didn't have another child.

Benefits: always around for DD, she can do as many activities/hobbies etc she likes. She is very popular as she can always have parties and friends for sleepovers/tea etc without younger siblings to be accounted for. We are exceptionally close also.

Plus a bonus is that just as I was feeling quite sad that this is probably our last Xmas without the real magic of Santa etc, I realised that DD is now old enough to stay up for Midnight Mass which is going to be our new tradition on Xmas Eve after the pantomime and takeaway Xmas Wink (always had to do the early service beforehand and want something a bit more "adult")

hobbeschild · 23/12/2016 15:19

This reminds me of a Michael McIntyre routine where he said you think you're giving your first child a playmate, but actually it's his worst enemy.

They don't really want to have less of your attention; okay maybe it is character building if they have to, and some might think they want a sibling, but I'm pretty sure on balance they would rather have you to themselves.

I knew almost instantly that I wanted to stick at one. We feel 'complete' as a unit of 3. I am afraid of spoiling him, but he has lots of friends to play with, where he gets all the compromise/sharing/disappointment life lessons, and then at the end of the day he gets some peace & quiet, love & attention.

And don't let anyone else tell you what you should be doing. It's up to you three only.

p.s. I have 2 brothers and they fought constantly until they were about 15. One of them even 'glassed' the other once!

Writerwannabe83 · 23/12/2016 15:20

My DH would have been very happy with just the one but it was important to me to give my DS a sibling.

I work with two women who were only children and they said it was great when they were children, they got lots of attention and toys etc but now they are grown up they feel that loneliness of not having a sibling. They say it makes them so sad that they have nobody to reminisce with and share childhood stories with.

I want to (hopefully) give my DS the opportunity to know what it's like to have a sibling, and to be an uncle and to have nieces and nephews etc and be part of a large family.

If circumstances meant that me and DH could only have one child then I would be fine with that but I would feel sad for DS.

museumum · 23/12/2016 15:22

I have one who is three so the food isn't closed yet in a sibling but I don't think we will. Mainly cause we gave no urge and it would just be to "give ds a sibling" which isn't really a good reason to have a dc2.
I think I'm generally a good parent and good with kids in general but omg bickering drives me insane. I have no patience with it at all (and I'm normally very calm and patient).

Toofewshoes · 23/12/2016 15:26

My best friend and mother are both only children and I have watched both care for their elderly parents. It is hard but not a reason to have more. I get on ok with my siblings but my husband doesn't talk to one of his and avoids the other. We had three because I loved having babies. Blush

DonutParade · 23/12/2016 15:37

I loved being an only child. I'm married to an only child so our kids have no cousins or aunties/uncles. I'm an only grandchild too and get really fucked off with people who moan about trivial familial relationship problems. To have that support system however tenuous would be fantastic now I'm older, and as I see my children grow I do see what both my husband and I missed out on as children. I am extremely close to my parents and they never spoiled me, in fact made the effort not to fall into most only children parenting traps. Honestly I'm glad I had more than one child even though my childhood was lovely.

EvieSparkles0x · 23/12/2016 15:38

I think the thing to take from this thread is that everyone has different ideals and that ultimately it is best to do what is right for you :)

If you feel deep down that having another child is right for you, then it may simply not be for you. If you feel content and complete as a family, the great, but I suppose the problem with this is the fact your partner does want another complicates things.

When we had DD 15 months ago, we both said we only wanted one. This changed for me at about 9 months as I got to grips with motherhood, and I just knew that having one more was what was right for me. Luckily for me DP also wants to start ttc this year. I think wanting different numbers of children is one of the hardest things to compromise on TBH, as most people feel quite strongly one way or another.

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