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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having just one child could be fine, or is it a mistake ?

133 replies

firstimer30s · 23/12/2016 13:50

I have an adorable , boisterous toddler who is 3 yrs old . I also have a satisfying career which I enjoy and pays well.

DH has a busy, high pressure job and it is unlikely to ever change. We don't hv any family nearby who can help.

Family and friends , as well as DH, say it's time for another one.

I would happily stop at 1. It is manageable (just) and we have quality time together.

But is it a mistake to just have 1 ?

DH says it's harsh and lonely for DC to be an 'only ' - he has a DB who he's close with. I have a DS who I am not at all close with

I've only just got some of my life back , the odd evening out with a friend , the odd date with DH.

How many DCs do you have ? If 1, did you regret it ? If more than 1, how did you make the decision to and are you happy ?

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille · 23/12/2016 18:06

I have one DD who is 19 and, although not planned this way, it's just been the two of us all along (ex H "wasn't ready" and left, although she was planned). I feel very lucky - I've always worked full time and could afford nice holidays etc - she's very sociable and confident, not at all clingy as evidenced from her first term at university - I did wonder how we'd both be with that, but it's been fine. I love her to bits but I'm not very maternal generally so one has probably been best for us. I had her overseas and coming back to the UK (eight hour flight) would have been much trickier with two.

It's such a personal choice though. If I'd had more, I'm very certain that I wouldn't have regretted that either.

brownpurse · 23/12/2016 18:09

My siblings are hugely important in my life.. My mum was an only child and was very sure she did not want that for her children. Shared experiences from an early age are special and I love watching the relationship between my own now grown up children. Each to their own!

somewhereitiswinetime · 23/12/2016 18:12

I am lucky enough to have one of each with a 3 year gap. So dd is 8 dd is 5. They look after each other and love playing together (mostly minecraft at the moment!). Having said that it is easier now they are both in school full time so as others have said it is down to personal preference ...

Although 2 people who I work with who already had one dc went on to then have twins second time around so that could always be on the cards Shock

SpookyPotato · 23/12/2016 18:23

I have two much older brothers so I was on my own a lot as a child and it did get lonely, I always had friends to play with but there was no-one to share the home stuff with. Morning and evening time, trips, holidays, Christmas etc. But I did love having my parents to myself Xmas Grin I love that I have siblings but so many don't like theirs. You have to do whats right for your family!

WeAllHaveWings · 23/12/2016 18:24

We have one, we make a lot of effort with his friends (5 coming for sleepover tonight!) so don't worry about it.

What I do worry about him not having a support network when we are elderly or gone. My mum and dad need (dad now gone) a lot of support now and I'm glad I have siblings to share that with.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 23/12/2016 18:25

I'm an only child DP is one of six but I have two ( with pretty much a 5year gap.)
I was adamant I was only having one, then we couldn't make a firm decision decided to drop birth control for three months and go from there. Having two is amazing for us, everyone thought with such a big gap and DS being an only for so long he would struggle to accept the new arrival. now DD is nearly 18months DS is 6 and they are amazing together. It's hard in that getting babysitters can be very tough and the early months, which are exhausting any way, are challenging trying to find the balance in everything but it's amazing watching these two little people bringing out the best in each other.
I should add though DS had some developmental and speech delays which VASTLY improved after DDS arrival. As a young child I had two cousins who were like siblings,close in age together constantly until we moved abroad. As an adult I'm close to them but their relationships with their siblings (which were horrible as kids) is far closer, and it does make me a little sad that I will never have that iyswim.
You know your family, having a second completed mine. A fifth completed my friends. A dog completed my cousin's. Each to their own,

Deadsouls · 23/12/2016 18:31

I don't think that having another child so that your existing child will have a sibling is any more of a 'silly' (as has been judged on here), or sensible reason than any other reason. Why do people have children at all?
If it's meant as 'have another child' against your own wishes so that your child will have a sibling, I can understand that.

I absolutely did have another child because I wanted my son to have a sibling. That was a primary driver for me.

foxesandtoadstools · 23/12/2016 18:36

I'm an only and my parents were always brilliant at never limited sleepovers / after school friends over and some of my friends practically lived at our house. I don't ever remember being lonely but as I get older I would love to have a sibling, to have someone with the same genetic make up as me where we might share similar traits / look alike etc.

We now have two and will most likely try for a third. I always wanted a big, bustling household as I do always remember my childhood home being very quiet, especially at meal times.

In your case I would be more focused on how your husband feels, tbh if mine said he'd be sad if we didn't have another then I'd seriously consider having another. I don't think you could ever regret the children you have xx

NapQueen · 23/12/2016 18:44

I definitely don't have the energy for two. However I happen to have two. I'm fucked. I work 4 shifts a week (stupid times too), and dh only works term time and is home 4.30 every day. We have hands on parents and a good little network of friends with kids.

Yet I still think I did the wr9ng thing I'm having a second. I adore dc2 (ds) and seeing dd be a big sister is wonderful. But I do honestly feel we've all (dd included) had to compromise not in significantly in order to make emotional and physical space for dc2.

FannityAnnity · 23/12/2016 18:53

I have an only. He's now 9 and we have a fab time together. It'd obviously be different if I had a DH/DP but I find it's very easy to do things the two of us. I'd definitely recommend it. Of course it comes with the reality that if I get old and decrepit, there will only be him to look after me, but there's no guarantee that siblings will get on.

Do speak to your DP though, make sure you're on the same page,

farfarawayfromhome · 23/12/2016 18:59

I'm an a only and I LOVE IT. Have an only DD too.

DH has a brother who he hates and hasn't spoken to in 20 years, and a sister who he constantly falls out with.

My best friend is one of 8. Her mum recently broke her hip. She is the only one helping and supporting.

Having a sibling is guarantee to friendship or support.

I'm so glad I'm an only!

bimbobaggins · 23/12/2016 19:01

I have an only ds. We couldn't afford to have any more . When he was young i never regretted having an only but as he's older now I wis he had a sibling. Things like going on holiday etc would be easier if he had some company a similar age.

ineedwine99 · 23/12/2016 19:05

We're giving it until baby is nearly in school before we decide whether to have another. As it stands we are both thinking sticking with one, we adore her and have been very lucky that she's an easy baby, I don't think i'd be able to cope with 2, certainly not a baby and a toddler. My husband is very close to his brother, i'm not to mine. This won't be impacting our decision though, you need to do what your comfortable with Smile
I think its rubbish that only children will be 'spoiled and lonely'

FantasyAndHope · 23/12/2016 19:12

I have one DD (18)
I have had many battles with mental health self harm eating disorders bullying with just the one!
Dd is very happy and has a great group of friends she's happy this whole only children are brats etc isn't true for many, of course with the exception.
But dd is not lonely

Jigglealltheway · 23/12/2016 19:20

No kids yet but I'm an only child. When I was small I wanted a brother or sister because all the other kids had siblings. However I had a ton of friends at school and neighbourhood friends. I was never lonely. By the time I was a teenager, I was so greatful I didn't have siblings, going through that awakard stage. When you are an only child you learn to love your own company and become self-sufficient. I had a very close relationship with my parents. Some people like to go on about only children are spoilt brats. Well I was spoilt with my parents love and attention but I was never had a spoilt attitude as my parents were strict on manners and behaviour. Some say by having siblings to share toys with, you learn to be more giving. I am a very generous and giving person. I learnt that by watching how lovely and giving my parents were with others.

My mother was a one of 8 and they only saw each other at hospitals and funerals. My DH brother wants nothing to do with him other than Christmas gift exchange. Due to jealously of DH. It's lovely when you hear of all these close sibling bonds but the reality is, you never know how it's going to turn out. There is never any guarantee that a sibling won't be jealous and be distant or even move overseas. It's madness when you see people who struggle financially as well as lack of time energy and are at a wits end to provide a sibling or two that if anything detract rather than add to that child's life. It's better to have more energy and resources for one child, yourself and your DH than spread yourself that thin, there is no time for yourself and your marriage goes down the sink and there you are with three kids. Who is the winner at the end of the day? No one !

icy121 · 23/12/2016 21:36

[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2810331-Aibu-to-think-this-text-is-wishing-me-dead?pg=1&order=]

This thread is a reason to stick with one!

Do what's right for you OP. The rest of the world (and their crass comments) don't live your life, and frankly, can swivel.

Original poster
firstimer30s · 24/12/2016 10:40

Gah indeed !

Despite that I realise, from reading all the responses , that for me the only driver to have another one is because my DC seems lonely without one .
On the other side, the pull not to comes from the fact that I've almost 'got my life back' , the old me back. It is so tempting to reach toward 'normalcy' again

It's hard to know what the right thing to do is

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 24/12/2016 11:40

Having a sibling is guarantee to friendship or support

This. How many people do you know with difficult relationships with siblings? Or read on hear about something awful a sibling is doing?

I have one sibling but there is a big age gap so we were essentially two only children!

haveacupoftea · 24/12/2016 14:13

I have planned to only have one. That may change in the future, but I think we would be ideal as 3 - a big family just isn't for everybody.

Pooky77 · 24/12/2016 14:16

I'm an only child and I'm sticking with one. I was never lonely I used to wonder what If about brothers and sisters but having grown up and married someone with siblings I'm glad I didn't have that drama to deal with! Each to their own but if you're happy your DC will be too.

Paddingtonthebear · 24/12/2016 14:16

We've stuck with one. No desire for another child at all.

I don't think it's selfish, or a lonely life for a child. Having siblings isn't guaranteed happiness.

I do feel in the minority though. I don't know anyone that has stayed with one child by choice.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 24/12/2016 14:40

Yello

I've re-read FarFarAway's post and I'm fairly sure it was a typo and she (or he) meant to say having a sibling is NOT a guarantee for friendship or support"

ToneDeafHamster · 24/12/2016 14:41

We only ever planned to have one. I do worry a bit about whether my DD will get lonely, but the thought of another one exhausts me! We would have to get a bigger house too and money would be tight. So, no, one it is. She is awesome too and seems to thrive on one on one attention from us.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 24/12/2016 14:46

If your DH wants another that badly can he not be the one to make some career sacrifices?!