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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think having just one child could be fine, or is it a mistake ?

133 replies

firstimer30s · 23/12/2016 13:50

I have an adorable , boisterous toddler who is 3 yrs old . I also have a satisfying career which I enjoy and pays well.

DH has a busy, high pressure job and it is unlikely to ever change. We don't hv any family nearby who can help.

Family and friends , as well as DH, say it's time for another one.

I would happily stop at 1. It is manageable (just) and we have quality time together.

But is it a mistake to just have 1 ?

DH says it's harsh and lonely for DC to be an 'only ' - he has a DB who he's close with. I have a DS who I am not at all close with

I've only just got some of my life back , the odd evening out with a friend , the odd date with DH.

How many DCs do you have ? If 1, did you regret it ? If more than 1, how did you make the decision to and are you happy ?

OP posts:

Hellmouth · 24/12/2016 14:48

My DP is an only child, but he has many friends that he's known since he was a baby. I'm a twin, and I've probably only ever had 2 or 3 friends at a time, probably because Ive always had my sister. I don't think it matters if you are an only child or not, you can create your own family.

Hellmouth · 24/12/2016 14:49

If your DH wants another that badly can he not be the one to make some career sacrifices?!

This. Why is it nearly always the woman making the sacrifices :(

CannotEvenDeal · 26/12/2016 16:11

I'm happy with one. We have an unusual situation in that I've raised my dss since he was 2 (now 12) and truly love him like my own.I love him to pieces and am simply unwilling to slow down career - wise to have a second child. I'm the main earner so if another did come along we've agreed that dh would take over childcare and he's more than happy to do so. I agree wholeheartedly that it shouldn't just be down to the mother.

Rioja123 · 26/12/2016 16:12

Only do it if it's right for you, not because you feel pressured by other people

Aya2 · 27/12/2016 13:14

I'm an only child and I love it, I have a lot of friends and have from a young age.
Aslong as you have them in social situations from a young age they'll be fine. I can't believe anyone is telling you its selfish if anything an only child gets more attention

dovesong · 27/12/2016 13:16

I'm an only child. It's made me independent, comfortable in my own company, creative etc. I also have a very close relationship with both of my parents. I don't have kids yet but I would definitely be very tempted to only have one if it does happen for me.

ErnesttheBavarian · 27/12/2016 14:10

my mil was an only child. She had a wonderful childhood, though I think it was a bit intense, being the adored only child. So a lot of pressure I think.

This was quite intense as an adult. The sole responsibility for caring for her anging parents fell on her shoulders and she said many times that as an adult she wishes she had siblings.

Then she got cancer and it was doubly horrific - for her knowing she wouldn't be around to care for her parents, and for her parents to face losing their beloved, only daughter.

They were about 80 when she died.

Mil always said she never wanted an only child because of her experience., My sil felt that too.

But the thing id, you only want one, but your dh wants more than 1, so I guess you have some talking to do.

mamalovesmojitos · 27/12/2016 14:22

I have one, she's not at all spoilt. I love being the mum of one.

FeralCat · 27/12/2016 14:47

I was an only child and while I sometimes wanted a sibling, I grew up fine.
What's selfish is other people telling you what to do based on their own issues.

If you do have another, there's no guarantee they'll get on, or even like each other much. If you want another baby and think you can afford them emotionally and financially, do it. Otherwise stick to one.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 27/12/2016 14:53

I'm an only and I have several only friends. ( I have no DC) Our experiences all seem quite similar.

I think you try harder with an only as you can't rely on siblings to amuse. I have grown up to be very protective of my own time/space and I can honestly say I have never felt lonely because by default I am able to entertain myself. Ive ever had a problem interacting with others as early contact with so many adults matured me quickly.

The only thing I find daunting is having to care for my parents as they age - but then my DPs brother lives abroad and has zero interest in his parents, so DP may as well be an only child insofar as that is concerned. I do worry about being elderly and alone in a care facility, but then to me that's not why you have children in the first place. I'm saving against my old age and fostering my very good friendships in the hope that that will see me through.

Only you can know what's right for your family, but I wouldn't be put under any pressure if it was me. Only childhood is not something to be scared of

allegretto · 27/12/2016 14:55

My first son never wanted a sibling to play with and now he's got two - he still says he wishes he were an only child! I love all my children but there are definite advantages to having one.

Ragwort · 27/12/2016 15:04

Paddington - I think it's unusual that you don't know anyone else who had an 'only' child by choice - I know several families who were more than happy to have 'just' one child - including ourselves . Our DS is now a teenager and I never, ever wanted another child.

I am also amazed at the number of you who say other people comment on the size of your family - to me it is a very, very personal matter and no one has ever said anything to DH or myself about having an 'only'.

There is NO guarantee that siblings will be friends - both DH and I come from fairly large families and have very limited contact with our siblings, I know for a fact that no one will share the care of my elderly parents with me when the time comes despite having two siblings.

My child is outgoing, sociable, mixes well with other people - I believe there are many advantages to being an 'only' child.

CheerfulMuddler · 27/12/2016 15:08

In a similar situation to you, so reading this with interest. I too have one small child and a job that I love, and while I liked lots of things about being on maternity leave, I missed work SO MUCH.

Husband and I had always assumed we'd have two, as we both have one sibling and that dynamic seemed to work for our families. We both played with our sibling lots as kids, and wanted our child to have that. (And, selfishly, I liked the idea of being able to send them off to play with each other.) But now we come down to it, I'm feeling really conflicted. They are an awful lot of work.

StarryIllusion · 27/12/2016 15:18

I have two but dd was an accident. I intended to stop after one. Nothing wrong with only having the one. I am an only child myself and was always happy with that.

Enidblyton1 · 27/12/2016 20:51

Having a second DC totally changes things - you can just about carry on as before when you have 1, but with two your life has to become a lot more child focused. So, not a decision to be taken lightly. I agree with pp that it has to be something YOU (and DH) want, rather than for the benefit of existing DC.

I think there's no problem about having an only child. I grew up alone (my sibling is a lot older than me). I had heaps of friends and didn't suffer at all for not having a close sibling. Though I do really appreciate having my much older sibling now that we're both adults.

I know a number of only children who have gone on to marry people from large families. Or they have ended up having 3/4 kids of their own. So if you don't start off with a large family you can always marry into/create one if you want one!

Pedallleur · 27/12/2016 21:42

We have one - she is perfect - really she is. We couldn't do another one physically or financially. Works for some and not others but she is lovely, confident and has lots of friends.

AndNowItsSeven · 27/12/2016 21:48

I have seven , I would have more if my health was better.
I only have the one friend who has an only child and that is not through choice.

Dogsmom · 27/12/2016 22:01

I had dd2 partly because I liked idea of dd1 having a sibling, I wasn't particularly broody but we stopped using contraception and thought what will be will be (dd1 took 3 years to conceive and I was pusing 40 so falling pregnant wasn't necessarily going to happen)
I did however get pregnant the very first attempt and now have an almost 2 year old and almost 4 year old, yes it was easier with 1, much easier, going from 0-1 children is a breeze compared with going from 1 to 2 and yes they have their moments (dd2 had dd1 in a headlock earlier and a handful of hair) however they're also fiercely loyal and protective of each other and you can see the love between them so I'm certain it was the right decision.

SaltySeaBird · 27/12/2016 22:14

I had resigned myself to only having one and to be honest I'm not especially maternal. Life with one was pretty easy but I did worry about her being left alone in life one day.

Then we had DC2. Best thing ever. I love their little relationship developing, I love seeing them play. I love having two children.

Crumbs1 · 27/12/2016 22:18

The number you have is unimportant but what matters is that your relationship is sufficiently robust and permanent to support them, that you are happy with the children you have and enjoy their company, that you can afford to give them what they need with some spare for your needs too.
Singletons can be be blissfully happy and so can children from large families. Singletons can be bright or dim, hardworking or lazy. So can children from large families. What really matters is that they are wanted and loved, that their parents don't resent them and that they are cherished.
My six love being from a large family and most say they want large families in due course. My niece is a singleton and wouldn't have it any other way.

Allthewaves · 27/12/2016 22:24

I have 3, with less than two years between. I deliberately chose a job after ds1 that could be pt and could be left at the office and was flexible. We don't go out more than twice a year and it's all about the kids.

My friends have 1 child. They have much more freedom. At times i feel they enjoy their child more as they can spend lots of 1 to 1 time. Go for lovely days out. Have more nights out ect.

I am an only child and I loved it. I'm very close to my parents and had blissfully happy childhood. I never yearned for siblings and do still enjoy my own space and company

PotteryLottery · 27/12/2016 22:37

We chose to have one, and it's great, but don't underestimate how much is involved in organizing play mates...if I realised how much hassle that is I may have considered having another!

But seriously it's great, we have a very special relationship.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 27/12/2016 22:49

Your child won't miss what she or he doesn't have. But...ultimately I think childhood is enriched and somehow made more magical and exciting with a sibling. Your children grow up I a 'child's world', rather than growing up living only with adults. Friends aren't the same - they come with the stresses and strAins of friendship, sibling relationships are rather more unconditional and constant.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 27/12/2016 22:52

Ps I have 3 under 4. Freedom is restricted now, but early childhood is very short really. And we're off out tomorrow. And were out last night. It's all about babysitting! (Gets expensive though...)

Starlight2345 · 27/12/2016 22:59

Haven't read the whole thread..However I am a LP of a 9 year old...One is so much easier in many ways...Childcare for one is much easier, cub camps away give me the break, Much eaiser to get one child where needed than two.

My Ds is sociable loves been with children his own age...I am a C.minder so he does see lots of other children but prefers the ones his age for proper fun although he is really good with the little ones but then enjoys the peace when they have all gone..

I have had to consider play dates, groups where he meets up with friends...

I never thought I would have just one but glad now I do.

I hate the it is selfish to have one...I can say I give up so much for my Ds...I resent anyone who considers because he doesn't have a sibling I am selfish.

Do what is right for you to make you all happy.

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