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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having just one child could be fine, or is it a mistake ?

133 replies

firstimer30s · 23/12/2016 13:50

I have an adorable , boisterous toddler who is 3 yrs old . I also have a satisfying career which I enjoy and pays well.

DH has a busy, high pressure job and it is unlikely to ever change. We don't hv any family nearby who can help.

Family and friends , as well as DH, say it's time for another one.

I would happily stop at 1. It is manageable (just) and we have quality time together.

But is it a mistake to just have 1 ?

DH says it's harsh and lonely for DC to be an 'only ' - he has a DB who he's close with. I have a DS who I am not at all close with

I've only just got some of my life back , the odd evening out with a friend , the odd date with DH.

How many DCs do you have ? If 1, did you regret it ? If more than 1, how did you make the decision to and are you happy ?

OP posts:
QueenofLouisiana · 23/12/2016 15:44

Your DC doesn't need a sibling. Being an only works very well for a lot of children in the world (need to declare I am an only and have an only).

Plan for socialisation, plan for clubs and times to be with others. Accept you will do a lot of taxi-ing (but probably no more in total than you'd do for 2 or 3 altogether). Learn how to say "no"- both to DC and people who want to tell you that having another child is vital.

DS is 11, friends with younger siblings turn up here for peace and quiet!

29redshoes · 23/12/2016 15:46

If your DH wants one so badly he should be showing you where he will compromise. Perhaps taking on a less busy, high pressured role so he can be around to help out more. If he's unwilling to do this, maybe it isn't important enough to him after all?

My DH and best friend are both only children and both loved it!

Puppymouse · 23/12/2016 16:15

One DD here 3yo and I'm done. I always tease (lightheartedly) my friends all having their second for being bonkers. I know I haven't got the patience.

I do worry about her being lonely/isolated/better with adults etc but she loves nursery and when she's sussed the situation out and found a friend she loves being around other kids.

OSETmum · 23/12/2016 16:19

Ds (7) is an only child and it works perfectly for us and him!

Klaphat · 23/12/2016 16:40

It's easy to put pressure on for another child when it's not you going through pregnancy and childbirth and taking the hit to your mental and physical health and your career.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 23/12/2016 16:45

Most of our friends who have 1 child wanted more but it just didn't happen for them (mainly health reasons) and every now and then they express their sadness about it. As if having one child is second best to having 2 or more, because some people have made them feel that way in the past.

I think being able to have one child at all is amazing and if you decide that's enough for you I think you are in a fortune position!

If anyone is able to have as many kids as they wished for by choice, let it be 1 or 12 (or none for that matter) they can consider themselves very lucky indeed.
I have so far found that people who end up with more or less children than what they truly would have loved & planned sometimes have a more difficult time coping or end up with a level of resentment or sadness.

If you can make a choice you are both happy with that is all that really mattters OP

CMOTDibbler · 23/12/2016 16:58

I have one child who is 10 - partly for medical reasons, partly by choice. He's very happy, plays well with others, and I love the flexibility of having one.

I have a brother and very frail parents. Having a sibling has not helped in the least in this, and tbh it would be a lot easier without him.

If you really want another child, great. If its to give your child a sibling/ someone to help care for you/ because other people think you should, then give it some more consideration

Grinchatchristmas · 23/12/2016 17:06

I think it is personal choice and you shouldn't feel pressured by people's judgemental comments because they would have something to say no matter how many children you had.

From a personal viewpoint, I am an only child and I lost my mom this year after losing my dad 5 years ago and although I have my husband and children I have no birth family left which to be honest is something I am struggling with and it is a lonely feeling now. That may just be the grief of losing my mom. On the other hand if I had had a sibling I may not have got on with them anyway.

I'm not saying that's a good enough reason in having another but just offering a different angle.

Millymollymanatee · 23/12/2016 17:07

I have three. I consider myself lucky beyond words, they are wonderful kids. I'd have liked more but three is good.

My DH lost his sister to cancer. She was very close to her mum but DH and his mum do not get on.

You cannot have kids so they will care for you when you get old. You have no idea what will happen. They may die, emigrate, hate you, etc.

On the other hand, why do we have kids? Is it just a biological urge to reproduce? I think it probably is.

scaryteacher · 23/12/2016 17:12

We have one, as I was advised not to have any more (medical stuff). He doesn't seem to feel the lack of a sibling at all, and at 21, is in his third year at university, and coping well with it. If you ask him, he says he is not bothered about a sibling, as he hasn't had to share. Both my parents were onlies, so it's not strange for me for there to be just one child.

callmeadoctor · 23/12/2016 17:12

Your child would be four anyway before sibling would be born, and may hate the idea when he/she is 6 or 7 and has a toddler pinching their toys etc. Certainly don't do it for your child!

Mouikey · 23/12/2016 17:16

I am a one and only and have no concept of what it would be like with siblings. Both parents are NC with their siblings for various different reasons (reasonable in my view) so I can see how difficulties arise. The downside is that I am anxious about when they pass away - this fills me with utter dread, but my childhood was fantastic and I basked in their love! I rarely was bored, happily played alone and have always had a good relationship with my parents (although my mum says I am too independent!!!).

I too have a single child (she is just 6 months) and I also don't think we will have another - I can't imagine loving anything else quite as much and I want to be able to focus my attention on her! I imagine she will be spoilt as she will have all my time (but not spoilt in terms of materialistic things iyswim!).

You should do what's right for you and your family, not what outsiders say you should. I always get a raised eyebrow when I say we won't have a second!!!

FullOfRage · 23/12/2016 17:17

Absolutely nothing wrong with having an only child! I'm an only child and people saying it's cruel or lonely are talking crap. I have never wished or asked for a sibling, quite liked the fact I had all the attention growing up.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 23/12/2016 17:18

Grinchatchristmas

I'm so sorry you lost your mum so recently.Flowers

AndNowItsSeven · 23/12/2016 17:20

I have seven and don't regret it all, I love seeing my dc interact with each other.
I would also worry about only children when they are adults especially when dh and I are old.

Jessicabrassica · 23/12/2016 17:21

I'm an only. My parents had more time and money for me, we had an open house and my friends were always welcome or I was out with friends all day which was great. I was also the only person of my generation so family gatherings often involved intense scrutiny or very long meals with adult conversation and wine whilst I sat in the corner and read books. I am also sole carer to elderly, demented parents which sucks. It's swings and roundabouts.

Dh was one of 2 and wanted 1; I'm one of one and wanted 2. We have 2 and I wouldn't change it for the world but our decision was right for us. Yours has to be right for you.

Grinchatchristmas · 23/12/2016 17:21

Thank you ZingDrama.

qumquat · 23/12/2016 17:25

I love having just one and dd (3) is very happy and seems to have a lot more fun than her little pals dealing with the arrival of baby siblings. The only thing that gives me pause is worrying about her looking after her dad and I when we are older. But then there's no guarantee that all kids would help out with that any way.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 23/12/2016 17:31

Mouikey

I can't imagine loving anyone else quite as much
This made me smile.
I remember feeling the same way when I was pg with DS2.
I was so worried about it!
But then he was born and I fell in love with him - and wondered how I could ever think I wouldn't love him!Smile

We have 7 children now - 6 boys & 1 girl, all by choice so incredibly lucky (but had a MC so will always grieve for my little girl who couldn't be born).
But definitely done now.Smile

And btw we get judged for having had 7.
People will always have something to criticise. No kids? Not good enough. 1 kid? Not good enough? Only boys? Not good enough. Only girls? Not good enough....you get the picture. 7 kids? Are you MAD?!!
Urgh. It's so boring!

I think the only safe thing is to have quadruplets of 2 boys & 2 girls. By accident. 😂

dArtagnansCrumpet · 23/12/2016 17:31

If I had a choice I'd stick at 1. My first has asd and my second is looking ok at the moment. So I suppose I would have never have known a normal child if i didn't have my second.

When you Have two no-one wants to help out as they would with one, they cost a lot more, I constantly feel guilty about how my time is divided and whether I'm being fair. When for whatever reason I only have one it's like heaven so, so much easier.

CantChoose · 23/12/2016 17:34

I haven't RTFT sorry. But both my husband and I are only children and we definitely only want to have one ourselves. We both enjoyed being 'onlys' and as adults have close relationships with friends and also with our parents and wider family. I don't feel like we missed out at all tbh.
I am a dr now and see that as often as not the duties of caring for elderly relatives are all held by one sibling anyway so I wouldn't worry too much on that front!

Tatlerer · 23/12/2016 17:37

We are stopping at one too (our DD is 3). She's a very sociable, confident child already and we will nurture that by welcoming her friends readily to our house and ensuring she sees plenty of her little cousin (also 3, also will be an only). I feel conflicted that she'll never experience a sibling relationship (I am very close to my brother) but for us, the benefits of stopping at one were of greater importance to us and I think will benefit her, too. As for worrying about the burden of care falling on her shoulders when DH and I are old and grey, well, who knows what the future will bring? Hopefully we'll be able to pack ourselves happily into a retirement village and happily watch our confident daughter live her life.

deadpool99 · 23/12/2016 17:51

I am only child and it was lonely sometimes, so I pushed myself to have two. I love them both to bits, but for various reasons, I had to (unexpectedly) give up my very well paid career. We now struggle financially. I worry about what the future holds for me financially and not accruing pension. And i'm shattered ! so I think sticking to 1 child would have been better for me, but I definitely feel that DC1 is better off with DC2 around.
That being said, as an adult I don't really have a yearning for a sibling and i have a very close relationship with my parents having been an only child cos i get them all to myself.
So my advice would be that if you are happy as you are, then stick to one child. Don't feel pressurised into having a second, especially with no help nearby and DH having demanding job. If you DC has plenty of friends to play with it needn't be that lonely.

ticklingafoot · 23/12/2016 18:04

Giving my dd1 a sibling was one of a multitude of reasons why we had a second. But it was not near the top of that list. We uhmmed and ahhed and my dh wasn't that keen at first with the idea but now dd2 is here the family is complete and my dh obviously loves them both to distraction. Dd2 is18month and is going though another separation anxiety phase which is a nightmare. However our family is complete. By this time with my first I was very broody but luckily I'm not feeling that at all.

Anywhichway123 · 23/12/2016 18:04

We were happy with one. I'm 43 and DP 40. Then when our Dd was 7 months old we had a rare evening to ourselves..... 3 weeks later I discovered I was pregnant! Dd was 7 months old!! We now have 2 aged 3 months and 19 months. Life is chaotic and I've gone from being well groomed to thinking having a shower is a treat! I don't regret having a second because it wasn't planned and I feel it was just meant to be. Atm our 19 month old is undressing our 3 month old searching for fluff in her belly button 😊