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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent DH because I have to return to work after ML

128 replies

Idontknow123 · 19/12/2016 18:11

Basically, we have a 3 month old and I would've been on ML for 4 months when I return to work in January. I work full time and can take 12 months (only received company maternity pay for 6 weeks) but, we are so reliant on my salary I have to go back when our baby is only 3 months old.

DH is self employed, works long hours but work/income is unreliable and erratic and he refuses to get what I call a regular job, set hours set wage. I've been asking him for 3 years todo this but its never been a problem really until now. I've made up the shortfall needed for our household so many times but now I feel differently. I want to take a year home with my baby but I can't unless he will change his way of working, which he won't. Its always next year will be different...next year I'll make lots of money but next year never comes.

What would you do?

OP posts:
SaltySeaBird · 19/12/2016 18:14

I only had two very short ML periods. If they are expecting you back in Jan there isn't much you can do now as you have to give 8 weeks notice to change your date.

You need to sit down and talk it through with him though for the future as it sounds like there is a lot of resentment building up.

fiorentina · 19/12/2016 18:15

If you need your income to survive then not sure what your choices are. Presuming you cannot easily reduce your outgoings to allow you longer maternity leave. If you're planning another then finding a job with better maternity benefits, e.g. Full pay for longer and also saving now for a longer leave next time would be helpful?

Sounds like he stubbornly won't change, I empathise, I have different circumstances but due to redundancy had to return much sooner than I'd have liked as DH didn't have a job. You will be fine.

TiredOfTravellin · 19/12/2016 18:16

Depends. Do you love him and accept he isn't your financial provider or do you leave him because he can't allow you to retire?

expatinscotland · 19/12/2016 18:18

Yes, YABVU. You know what he was like when you married him and decided to have a baby with him. This should have been worked out beforehand or you split and have a baby with someone else who can fund you to stay home.

Arfarfanarf · 19/12/2016 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateWombat · 19/12/2016 18:20

Well it's a bit late now. This is something that needed sorting out BEFORE the baby, not when you are due to return in a couple of weeks.

I feel sympathy for your position and know many women find themselves in this position with a DH who is elf employed. The thing is, you needed to communicate about it and reach a joint decision about it when action could still be taken. You will have to return to work in Jan now because financially it sounds like there is no alternative for this current time.

However, if you are not happy, you should push harder about your point of view and make it very very clear how you feel and look for alternatives, with a timescale.

  • could DH take a permanant job 3 days a week and be self employed the other 2 days
  • will he consider looking for a full time job and aim to get one in the next 6 months?
  • can you work part time and live on less, by moving house, cutting costs etc?

There is no point being angry now about what will happen in 2 weeks - it is too late for that.....the time to push this forward for Jan was back at the start of your pregnancy and you didn't do that. However, you can approach this positively now for a future point.

If he isn't willing at all and there is no compromise available (seems unlikely to me, because I think compromise can nearly always be reached when 2 people care about each other) then you need to consider your future. I really am not saying LTB because I would very rarely say this except in circumstances of violence, but if he really cannot understand your desires about this and isn't willing to discuss and find a compromise, then I wonder what kind of a relationship it really is.

Don't be angry about now. It's happened. Work on a solution for the future.

SpeckledyBanana · 19/12/2016 18:20

Honestly? I would insist on staying home a bit longer.

RichardBucket · 19/12/2016 18:21

I think YABU. You knew the deal when you decided to stay with him and start a family. Is he going to be a stay-at-home dad or is baby going into childcare?

Italiangreyhound · 19/12/2016 18:22

Idon'tknow YANBU. Having a year off with a new baby is really good and advisable, IMHO.

I only had 8 months with dd but then I work part-time, only two days a week then (more now) so had plenty of time with her.

With ds, because he is adopted, I took a year off (as social services recommend) so that was fine.

It sounds like your dh wants to strike it rich and yet is finding being his own boss is not all it is cracked up to.

Have a serious chat together about the future and how to make things work better. I think this resentment could build up.

Mouse510 · 19/12/2016 18:23

We are in a similar(ish) position. I contribute more to our joint account than my DH does because I earn more and therefore can afford to. I've don't get enhanced maternity pay but I am planning on taking a full year ML. When we decided to start trying to conceive I started saving extra money so that I can top up my income from my savings while on ML. I know this is too late for you now but maybe if you can afford to you could try that if/when you have another baby. For now, I think you need to have a calm conversation with your DH so you don't have too much bottled up resentment.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2016 18:23

'Honestly? I would insist on staying home a bit longer.'

And pay the bills with what, brass buttons? Plenty of people cannot afford to stay home a whole year.

ZouBisou · 19/12/2016 18:23

Why does your husband want to stay freelance?

Foldedtshirt · 19/12/2016 18:25

How much will childcare cost? As a proportion of your total household income? Can you look for. Job with better maternity benefits?

RichardBucket · 19/12/2016 18:26

If my husband "insisted" on staying home for a year while I supported all three of us, I'd laugh at him.

Bestthingever · 19/12/2016 18:26

It must be hard leaving such a young baby but really this should have been discussed before you had a baby. Tbh as someone who gave up a well paid job with dc1 and has been financially dependent on dh for 17 years Blush, I kind of envy people who can stand on their own two feet financially (although I loved being at home with the dcs).

NNChangeAgain · 19/12/2016 18:27

What would you do?

If I was feeling as resentful as you seem to be, I'd be questioning my reasons for being in the marriage,TBH.

You've been bugging him for three years to change the way he earns a living and become a more equal provider in the marriage. If a man was doing that to a woman, he'd be considered abusive.

Then, you make an active choice to have a baby, knowing that you are the primary income earner and will have to return to work soon after your baby is born, and now you resent him for that.

Do you love him? Or do you love what you want him to be ?

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2016 18:27

I think this is unreasonable too. I had to go back to work when my daughter was three months, at no stage did it ever even remotely occur to me that my husband should be able to provide enough so i could stay home.

Sorry, this isn't the 1950s.

You knew his financial status when you decided to have a child with him, now trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to so you can be a stay at home mum and him the main provider is, for me, so unreasonable it's off the scale. You're as much responsible for the house hold and family costs as he is.

Would you be ok if he told you to get a better paid job so he could stay home? Or do you feel it's just ok because you're female? 😞

CauliflowerSqueeze · 19/12/2016 18:27

How easy would it be for him to get a full time job?

He doesn't want to compromise his erratic job for you, so your hand is forced - you have to be the one who compromises.

Pettywoman · 19/12/2016 18:27

Is he going to look after the baby when you go back?

ChocolateWombat · 19/12/2016 18:28

The thing is, many people don't get exactly what they want over work and childcare etc. Lots of women have to work full time who would prefer not to.

I suspect you are feeling this more keenly because the return to work is fast approaching.....your feelings of dread are normal, and especially if it isn't what you really want, youcareblooking for someone to blame. The thing is, your family finances and set up are a joint decision. You and your DH have not thrashed out a compromise about this.....perhaps you haven't been crystal clear, or haven't been crystal clear soon enough. Perhaps he is stubborn and doesn't get how strongly you feel, perhaps you have become more keen to stay at home since giving birth than before (it happens) but the timescale and finances were too tight to change things.

It doesn't really sound like it's entirely his fault. He sounds like he's been consistent and clear. Perhaps your strength of feeling about it has grown once becoming a mother and as the return to work gets clearer....understandable, but see the strength of feeling as partly products of the closeness of the date of return.

Keep open communication. Expect to return, but look for a plan to enable you to reduce your hours within 6 months if at all possible. Of course, this isn't possible for everyone and your family might be one of those for whom it just won't work. Don't be looking to blame - it won't help,

Marmalade85 · 19/12/2016 18:30

I supported myself throughout mat leave which I had basic rate for. Ex DP didn't contribute anything extra. I saved up before the baby was born.

Scooby20 · 19/12/2016 18:31

Yabu. Mainly because you married him and had a baby with him while this went on. Not everyone gets what they want.

If you don't want this life they you may need to leave the marriage. But resenting him when it's always been this way is a bit off Imo.

Marmalade85 · 19/12/2016 18:31

And I went back to work when my son was 6m and left ex DP shortly after.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/12/2016 18:31

Yabu, you knew well before this what he is like.
You can't afford to stay at home - and it isn't his fault.

londonrach · 19/12/2016 18:32

If you need your income for food, rent, morgage and bills yabu. If for extras yanbu. As im self employed ive been working one day a week since week 1 after giving birth. Dd is now 4 months but has a lovely relationship with pil and very very close to me and dh. That one day means we can pay bills and im lucky my pil can look after her (do lots of baby sensory, reading etc with her) so can relax at work. When i walk back through the door being apart from her, she gives me the biggest smiles ever. I get the best hugs then too. Its hard but those bills need paying!