Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent DH because I have to return to work after ML

128 replies

Idontknow123 · 19/12/2016 18:11

Basically, we have a 3 month old and I would've been on ML for 4 months when I return to work in January. I work full time and can take 12 months (only received company maternity pay for 6 weeks) but, we are so reliant on my salary I have to go back when our baby is only 3 months old.

DH is self employed, works long hours but work/income is unreliable and erratic and he refuses to get what I call a regular job, set hours set wage. I've been asking him for 3 years todo this but its never been a problem really until now. I've made up the shortfall needed for our household so many times but now I feel differently. I want to take a year home with my baby but I can't unless he will change his way of working, which he won't. Its always next year will be different...next year I'll make lots of money but next year never comes.

What would you do?

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 19/12/2016 21:41

I find work ethic, drive and success attractive in a man. I'm sure I'm not alone. He doesn't have to be rich, but I like feeling fairly sure that, bar accidents or ill health, he could earn a decent wage and indeed wants to, that he takes some professional pride.

Honestly, if I had just had a baby and my husband was determined to keep on a low, unreliable wage rather than seek more secure employment, I would not be happy. Especially if he'd been doing this for years without change. Maybe I shouldn't, but I would.

But then I am attracted to dominant men.

HicDraconis · 19/12/2016 21:42

This thread is very depressing.

It's the husband's job to support his wife while she's off work with their child? Emotionally yes, but not financially if she was the main earner before the child was born.

People would laugh at their husbands for staying at home with children while the wife worked to support all three of them? Really?

It hits a nerve. DH is the SAHP and I went back to work after 9 months with the first and a year with the second, having known all along that DH would be the SAHP and we would need to save to cover expenses while I was on ML. I then went back to work to support all 4 of us - DH saves us a fortune in childcare although I insisted they went into nursery for some time a week after 3, for socialisation and to give him a break.

How many people would reply the same if this was a man posting? "My wife won't get paid employment to help support the family and I am having to work full time when I would rather spend more time with our new baby" - I can imagine the responses would be very different.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 19/12/2016 21:45

Its the pension, or lack thereof, issue that would scare me.

StripeyMonkey1 · 19/12/2016 21:49

It hits a nerve. DH is the SAHP and I went back to work after 9 months with the first and a year with the second

I posted in support of the OP's desire to look after her baby but I absolutely think it's equally valid for the man to take this role.

However, my reading of the OP is not that the DH wants to stay at home to look after the kids. I see a man who wants to continue his hobby job, whilst his wife works AND organises the childcare.

It would be good to get some clarification from the OP as it makes a big difference. Does your DH want to look after the baby?

Catlady1976 · 19/12/2016 21:50

Op doesn't want to be a Sah. She wants a year maternity leave. Not too much to ask I think.

ginsparkles · 19/12/2016 21:52

I think you are being a bit U. But I can understand. It's all well and good saying you knew this before having a baby but your feelings towards going back to work change drastically once the baby is actually here

I was all ok with my 4 month off and then back to my full time job, but once I was back I missed her and realised the job wasn't for me

I think you have no choice but to go back, but I would be having serious chats about how your feelings have changed and how you can alter your working lives to work better for the family.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2016 21:54

'Op doesn't want to be a Sah. She wants a year maternity leave. Not too much to ask I think.'

Then she needed to have planned accordingly. She knew what he was like.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2016 21:55

This thread is very depressing.

Yura · 19/12/2016 21:55

Most of Europe has shorter maternity leave than the U.K - not really an issue! I was lucky with my older son and got 16 weeks (Switzerland). It's a bit strange at the start, but ok. This time around (in U.K.) I will take 6 months because of timing (starting nursery 2 weeks before they close for 3 weeks in summer makes no sense). I'm used to it and find it strange for people to sit at home for that long - it all depends on your perspective!

1horatio · 19/12/2016 21:56

Btw, OP.

If you are the one that does the majority of the providing part (financially) DH will be the one doing most of the housework/childcare, right?

If not... well, then he's a lazy arse.

capricorn12 · 19/12/2016 21:56

I think Dinosaurs is spot on. I have total sympathy with the OP as my DH gave up a well paid job several years ago to pursue a 'lifestyle business' which has made very little money and caused endless arguments. I had no real say in the matter when he made this decision and for a couple of years I was keeping our heads above water by using my inheritance ( I know that I'm lucky to be in this position but I would really rather have been able to save that money for our childrens future or for nice things like holidays).
I'm now on ML with my 3rd child and was planning to go back in April when the SMP stops, I would have had 9 months off by then and I thought that would be enough but it's not, so I've decided this week that I'm going to have the full 12 months. I'll just have to pay for it from inheritance money but that's fine because it's my decision.
I think OP's issue is more the realisation that she will always be the breadwinner and never be able to fully rely on her DH and I think that it's understandable to feel like that when you're life has recently been turned upside down by the whirlwind that is a new baby.

DinosaursRoar · 19/12/2016 21:58

The OP doesn't need to change, she has been the one who has kept them afloat for years, and now is also going to have to pay for everything for the DC as well. She can't go part time or reduce hours, because she can't rely on her DH to bring in a set amount each month, or anything at all. He's working long hours, so although they are a family that has to rely on only one wage covering the costs for 2 adults and a DC, they also have to pay out for childcare because she can't rely on him to do the childcare instead as he's working long hours on a business that doesn't bring in an income.

The way in which the OP is going to have to change, is to stop letting her DH talk her round about how he can make a go of this business. Frankly, if it's been several years and he still isn't making a reliable income from it, then it's not going to be something that's going to happen.

It's a pity you didn't have this revelation that you can't live this way with a DC earlier on in your pregnancy, but now is time to address it.

7diamond5 · 19/12/2016 22:00

Hic - but if your DH had not been willing to SAH then it might have been another decision?
There is no right or wrong and every case is different. We had 4 DC and my being a SAHM has definitely been most financially viable for us in that DH has been able to focus on the financial side of things and it's been less juggling and stress all round. But I appreciate being a SAHM and "provided for" would be some women's idea of hell!

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/12/2016 22:00

See Bluntness, I'm not surprised at all (though I dispute that it's as simple as just "providing"....more like seeking security over a hobby job when you have a child). It rings entirely true with what I see in real life....that, as a massive generalisation, most relationships suffer strain when the man is reliant on the woman as provider.

I agree it's problematic, but I'm not going to deny it happens.

DinosaursRoar · 19/12/2016 22:06

I've seen it the other way as well - woman who have a 'hobbyjob' that brings in less money than the cost of the childcare it requires. Unless the DH is very wealthy and can afford to treat the business as a hobby, it causes tension and strain on a marriage.

SheldonCRules · 19/12/2016 22:16

YABVU, you could have saved before hand if you wanted longer off.

As long as he can meet 50% of the household bills then that's fine, he shouldn't be expected to pay for everything simple as he was born male.

Education teachers girls they can aspire to be anything they like yet the amount who still subscribe to the theory that men work to provide for a woman is astounding.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 22:24

My husband did see it as his responsibility to financially provide once we started a family and I think most men do, particularly for the first year or in cases where a couple are planning multiple children. So no OP, YANBU at all.

Sorry have we woken up in the 1950s Hmm

BusyBeez99 · 19/12/2016 22:33

I went back to work after 6 weeks a few days a week then full time after 3 months when nursery was an option. It's not ideal but it's workable and my DS is proof that it hasn't affected our bond.

It's hardly your DHs fault - you both went into the parent thing with eyes wide open

holidaysaregreat · 19/12/2016 22:35

The impression is that he is not covering 50% of the costs of running the home. OP hasn't said she doesn't want to work or that she wants to relinquish all financial responsibility. She just wants him to be equal which I don't feel is unreasonable. If he was earning similar to her then she would be able to take longer off as she would be in control of saving. Whatever the feminist issue, nature provides a natural bond between mother and baby & it is hard to break that bond to go to work. Not that many women return full time to a big career job once they have children.

Pilgit · 19/12/2016 22:40

Whilst I totally understand your emotions you knew what you were getting into and should have prepared for it. I'm in the same position as you but we saved so I could stay off a bit longer. Now I'm back and the main wage earner. But we are a partnership so it balances out (mostly).

It's frustrating because I want the freedom he has - to do something else and to be at home more with the girls. But if that is going to happen I have to make it happen. I knew what he is when I married him. He works incredibly hard and has built a good business but it's not enough and may never be to allow me to go part time or change career. So I have to make it happen.

I understand not wanting to leave your baby buy YABU for resenting him over it.

DixieNormas · 19/12/2016 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

7diamond5 · 19/12/2016 22:52

Piglet - no it's got nothing to do with the 50s. In our case it had a lot to do with the fact I was the one breastfeeding 4 children and therefore getting up in the night, etc, the fact I was the one who carried and gave birth to 4 children and not him and the fact that we just did what came naturally to us both. He was not going to pretend he had the same bond as I did with the babies in the early months or was as "tuned in". If he felt that the the best contribution he could make was financial stability, then that's how he felt and nobody could have told him otherwise.

Munstermonchgirl · 19/12/2016 22:58

Agree piglet- some of the attitudes on here are really depressing. I'm over 50, married for almost 30 years so probably one of the older mums here, yet never assumed that it was my dh's 'job' to take care of all the finances as if I were some poor little feeble housewife.
Honestly OP stop being so full of resentment, you'll be fine, your child will be fine.

Munstermonchgirl · 19/12/2016 22:59

Oh and btw long term breastfeeder here. Doesn't mean you can't go out to work

DixieNormas · 19/12/2016 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.