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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent DH because I have to return to work after ML

128 replies

Idontknow123 · 19/12/2016 18:11

Basically, we have a 3 month old and I would've been on ML for 4 months when I return to work in January. I work full time and can take 12 months (only received company maternity pay for 6 weeks) but, we are so reliant on my salary I have to go back when our baby is only 3 months old.

DH is self employed, works long hours but work/income is unreliable and erratic and he refuses to get what I call a regular job, set hours set wage. I've been asking him for 3 years todo this but its never been a problem really until now. I've made up the shortfall needed for our household so many times but now I feel differently. I want to take a year home with my baby but I can't unless he will change his way of working, which he won't. Its always next year will be different...next year I'll make lots of money but next year never comes.

What would you do?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 18:32

If my husband "insisted" on staying home for a year while I supported all three of us, I'd laugh at him.

I agree.

AyeAmarok · 19/12/2016 18:33

What would I do?

I'd go back to work, since the bills need paid, and you knew this would be the situation when you decided to have a baby.

If this was a dealbreaker you should have sorted it out before TTC.

WannaBe · 19/12/2016 18:33

You knew the score going in.

Imagine if a woman posted on here that her husband wanted her to give up her business and earn enough so he could take a year out with the kids. I can just imagine how that would go......

You chose to marry someone who was self employed and you chose to have a baby with him.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 19/12/2016 18:33

You made the choice to start a family with him despite his financial situation, so you really have no right being upset with him for it now!

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 19/12/2016 18:33

Could you not take a further 3 months off and borrow the shortfall? maybe an overdraft?

holidaysaregreat · 19/12/2016 18:34

I only had 4 months off as OH was newly qualified in his job. It was difficult as almost everyone else from postnatal group had the whole year. But I guess you don't have much choice (neither did I). Any chance of OH doing one day a week with DD and then you ask to go to 4 days a week? FT childcare will cost a fortune so might work out OK?

ChocolateWombat · 19/12/2016 18:39

To get the exact balance you want as a couple, in terms of who works how much and in what type of job, often involves years of thought and planning unless you both have hugely paid jobs.

As others have said, they have saved up to enable themselves to take more time off or to work part time. Others switch careers to those which will be more flexible or offer better maternity packages, or DH moves to a different job....loads of planning and conversation, often with people working towards the same goal...which is important. However, even with planning many people don't get what they want. Lots return sooner than they would like or to more hours than they would like or to longer commutes. No one is entitled to a year off work or to be a SAHM or to work part time. We all have to do what is needed to provide for our families and where there are 2 parents, to work together to make it happen....and thank goodness for there being someone else around too, which makes it easier in all kinds of ways (and I know not everyone has that luxury, nor sees it as one)

So, on a basic level, you and DH need to have a big, long and serious, calm chat.....difficult when you feel emotional 2 weeks before returning to work. Perhaps wait a little while....you are going to have to return, so perhaps accept it for now, work for a month and then start talking again. If you like, perhaps tell DH you recognise there isn't any choice at the moment, but you are really very sad and unhappy about it and will want to talk it through again in Feb. However, don't just blame him......you are both responsible for your family.

ChocolateWombat · 19/12/2016 18:40

Where's the OP?
Starting to wonder if this is just a bit of a wind up!

NomadDaisy · 19/12/2016 18:40

Having a baby can throw up alot of new emotions so it's not fair to say she knew what she was getting into. The heart can change after you actually have a baby and the full on love hits! 3 months is so short so I can commiserate. Poor you xxx he should buck up and work harder so you don't need to be separated so early from your precious baby who is still in the 4th trimester.

TalesoftwoChristmasses · 19/12/2016 18:44

Something like this could kill your marriage. you have to talk this through. x

Raines100 · 19/12/2016 18:48

YABU, but I understand where you're coming from. An imaginary baby is easy to leave at nursery at 4 months old- not so easy when the real thing arrives. BUT, that's the way it is, and it's not your DH's fault.

Relax, it will all be fine. Plenty of 4mo go to nursery and get along v well. 4 months is standard maternity leave in Netherlands, South Africa, etc, so it's not too early. You'll both be fine. Good luck.

Lules · 19/12/2016 18:48

Do you actually feel like this or is it just panic at the thought of going back? Because yes it's hard going back to work. Even though definitely i wanted to it was stressful. But once we'd all got used to it it's fine.

SquinkiesRule · 19/12/2016 18:50

Many people who have always enjoyed their work think they will be ready to get back in 3 or 4 months not realizing how once the baby is here changed things, I know I loved my work, and went back 6 weeks after Ds was born, I had MIL to watch him she had to shove me out the door, who knew I would want to be with my baby longer? I didn't and everyone I knew never said anything.
I feel for you OP, it's tough, and this could be the thing that breeds resentment in your marriage, you must talk about this with him, make it his problem.

DinosaursRoar · 19/12/2016 18:51

Sounds like you are sick of his 'hobby job' that doesnt pay the bills, which you tolerated because you were able to cover everything. While you ahve said in teh past you want him to get a proper job, you can continued to live with him, not told him to leave, you have continued to cover the bills for him to allow him to live this way (if he was single, he'd have to accept his 'self employed' status wasn't working), you have had a baby with him and continued to allow him to ignore the fact that he can only have the job he wants if you look after all the dull things like making sure the rent/mortgage is paid and there's enough money for food.

Essentially, you've been 'Mum' to him. And now it's biting your arse that by allowing him to live like this, you have made your own life harder. You have burried your own head in the sand about it, and failed to accept that you have enabled this.

The first time he wasn't able to pay half the bills when you were living together, you should have had the sort of chat that ended with "you make a profit with your business by X date, if you can't by then, you get a regular job or you move out, I won't keep you so you can run a hobby business." At the point you tried for a baby, or found out you were pregnant if it wasn't planned, you should have sat him down and said "how will we pay for my maternity leave? I will only get my wage for 6 weeks - can you make enough between now and then to save the difference between SMP and my wage? If not, can you get a paying job for a year?"

It seems you have just seethed, told him now and then you don't like that he doesn't make any money, but not made him face up to the fact he can only run this business with your financial support.

Have you actually liked being the one who's responsible until now?

Scooby20 · 19/12/2016 18:52

Having a baby can throw up alot of new emotions so it's not fair to say she knew what she was getting into.

True. But as an adult she shouldn't be putting the blame squarely on her dh. She should accept this was a decision both of them made. Shit happens. We all look back and think that we should have done things differently. But we accept out part in the outcome.

GinIsIn · 19/12/2016 19:01

Surely the time to discuss this was before having a baby?

Lorelei76 · 19/12/2016 19:02

It depends on a lot of things, there's not enough info in your op

Mate of mine agreed with her DH that they'd share childcare and both work part time. She had a full year mat leave and dreaded going back so much - not leaving the baby but returning to work - she said "how would you feel,if I didn't go back and you work full time?" Understandably he was very upset because he'd been desperate to go part time. They stuck to the original plan in the end.

So it depends on a lot of things not least what you agreed when you planned the baby.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 19/12/2016 19:04

It's tough. I am the breadwinner and went back after 6months. It has to be said, I fundamentally was happy with it but resentment still creeps in when it's tough. Still, paying for the children is the responsibility of you both

catgirl1976 · 19/12/2016 19:07

Hmm

I had 5 weeks off work when DS was born as we were so dependant on my wage, and although I got Mat Pay for 6 months there was a huge amount of pressure on me from my job to go back early. I was back part time when he was 5 weeks old, FT at 4 months and I was sending e-mails whilst waiting for the epidural to wear off.

I didn't resent DH because I knew what the situation was before I got pregnant. That's sort of the key here - you knew this would be the case so YABU to resent him.

However, going back early is incredibly hard. I struggle with it - physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't think YABU to find this hard, or to wish you were in the position where you could take as long off as you liked but you are not, you knew that and you cannot blame your DH - sorry.

You need to talk this through with him so you've got support and he understands you are finding it hard but WITHOUT blaming him.

wowbutter · 19/12/2016 19:08

This seems fairly clear.

You knew what he earns before you got pregnant, you knew what he earns when you filled in your maternity leave form.
This cannot have been a surprise.
Why didn't you save more in the year running up to pregnancy? During pregnancy? Why not take out a loan to cover the shortfall?
Or why not insist he gets another job before falling pregnant.

You are not blameless in this. You got pregnant to a man who did not have steady income. Make your bed. Lie in it.

1horatio · 19/12/2016 19:08

Well, you knew these things before you decided to have a baby, right? I mean, if the LO is more of a 'happy accident' then yes, you can expect DH to make some changes. But that isn't the case, is it?

Yes, you've been asking for 3 years. But you still decided to have a baby and stay with him.

So, yes, I see that you are annoyed and you can absolutely have this talk with DH again. But you are at least a bit unreasonably.

I myself had a very short maternity leave... 3 months sounds decent to me, tbh.
DH is currently a SAHD (it's better like this financially and he has much more part-time options, he currently works/writes from home...)

Ultimately you 2 have to decide what's best for your family. So yes, there does need to be a joint decision imo.

EvaTheOptimist · 19/12/2016 19:11

Before I had my first child I organised to go back to work after 6 months. But actually, that was "theory" - it felt completely different when I had the prospect of leaving a small baby.

I left my job instead. DH also had "unreliable and erratic" income at the time. Yes - that year, was financially very very hard. I've never ever regretted it though, as a personal decision I would have felt dreadful leaving DD at that age.

When DD was 1 year I started finding freelance work. I do thank my lucky stars that I had enough experience in a field that you can find freelance work in, to get back into the world of work that way.

It sounds like there is the possibility that you could go back to the same workplace at 12 months - which is better than the situation I was in.

Your DH does have SOME income. If you really want to stay with your baby longer, you won't pay the bills with brass buttons - your DH will have to invoice promptly, go real austerity budgeting, all the tax credits you can qualify for, helping hands from family etc etc

donatellamas · 19/12/2016 19:12

I can understand why you're not happy with the situation but it's not that unusual to be reliant on two salaries.

OohNoDooEy · 19/12/2016 19:14

Head over to the relationship board and see the mess that some women are in giving up their independence and income and becoming a sahm.

I wanted time off, I saved up to pay for it. You can either get into debt over it or do it differently next time. It's not your husbands responsibility though. Paying half the childcare when you go back is and supporting you where he can when your off is but you can't magic up more money.

You sound spoilt but I've a few friends who automatically take the year and think about it later. They are public sector with good packages though.

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/12/2016 19:16

I said this on another recent thread...in my real life experience (ie, not the oddity that is MN), as a generalisation, few relationships thrive on the woman providing for the man. Her earning more, not such a big deal, but being the provider....just doesn't seem to be a dynamic that usually thrives. Your mileage may vary. And I agree it's illogical, and we should probably get over ourselves. But that's the way it usually seems to be. So I wouldn't berate a woman who felt that way.

Obviously you should have thrashed this out before having the baby, but again, I can't berate you for it. I couldn't have understood how different things felt once I had the baby. Things that work in theory just stop being that simple. The feelings and headspace of a baby just aren't foreseeable before you've had one.

I know I've felt very vulnerable since having a child and really really wanted my husband's protectiveness and watchfulness for our wellbeing.

And posters are right to say he's been open about his intentions, and that's true, he has. Still, he's a father now. His preferences aren't the priority. If a more secure job is in the family's interests, I'd think it would behoove a man to take it.