to resent DH because I have to return to work after ML

[Idontknow123]

Basically, we have a 3 month old and I would've been on ML for 4 months when I return to work in January. I work full time and can take 12 months (only received company maternity pay for 6 weeks) but, we are so reliant on my salary I have to go back when our baby is only 3 months old.

DH is self employed, works long hours but work/income is unreliable and erratic and he refuses to get what I call a regular job, set hours set wage. I've been asking him for 3 years todo this but its never been a problem really until now. I've made up the shortfall needed for our household so many times but now I feel differently. I want to take a year home with my baby but I can't unless he will change his way of working, which he won't. Its always next year will be different...next year I'll make lots of money but next year never comes.

What would you do?

You need to tell your DH how you feel, its sounds as though he currently thinks you are going back to work, and has stopped listening to you nagging him to get a proper job, which he 'refuses' to do.

What would happen if you 'refused' to go back to work and informed him that you will take your full year off and then return part time, and that you trust him to support you?

What would be your joint plan for paying the bills, how much could you cut your spending, and are would willing to be that insecure for a while?

Actually it IS her husbands responsibility to support his wife while she is at home with their child.

It's a bit late now to do much about it.

Can you tighten your belts and go part time?

Does your DP earn enough to cover childcare?

It's easy to say she should have sorted this out before she had the baby but no one knows how they're going to feel about leaving a baby until they've had the baby, especially if it's your first.

I'm sorry you are feeling bad about returning to work. It really is hard when you aren't ready but know you must. With both of my DC I had 4 months ML and then was forced to return to work to pay the bills. I, like you, am the higher earner of my DH and I. I never resented my DH for this as I knew this going in. However, my DH does have a steady and predictable income so perhaps our DH situation isn't so similar. Would I resent a DH who I felt was swanning around trying to make a dream come true rather than sucking it up and getting a 9 to 5 when I need him to? Definitely! However, now is too late to moan about it, you should have done that over a year ago!

Reading this thread has been very therapeutic for me (mostly) as the circumstances are so similar. Dh's income from self-employment was always low and he rarely used all his personal tax allowance. One year his tax office did a full investigation- they couldn't understand why he was still " in business"- and they investigated me too even though I had deliberately kept well out of it: so OP might have that to look forward to.
I went back full-time when baby #1 was 6 months old - I'd had 6 weeks (almost) full pay, then state SMP, and the last month of ML went on my credit card.

dh is now ex.

I can understand the emotion op - my DH was let go from his job 3 weeks before ds was born and it took over 4 months for him to find full time work. As the main earner I had done as other posters here did and saved in order to cover the loss of my salary. That all went out of the window as I was of course paying both our rent and bills while he was looking for work. I remember walking round with ds in his buggy at around 3 months in, feeling very down about the situation and resentful of DH even though it wasn't his fault he was let go. If I'd had to go back earlier than the 9 months I'd planned to take I think I would still be harbouring a bit of resentment, although nothing I'd ever say out loud.

However I do think YABU as this is something you've entered in to willingly knowing full well what your DH is like. You could have planned your finances better by saving so you could take longer off (assuming baby was planned, apologies if not).

Now my DH is unemployed again he's doing much more time at home with ds (childminder having closed for Christmas) and I'm actually enjoying the dynamic so if we can swing it we may opt for him to be a sahd. You might find your feelings change once you're back at work and in that world again. But reasonable or not you do have my sympathy as that's very young to be leaving your baby and I definitely would have struggled with that.

Since it's too late to change the situation it sounds like you need to deal with it the best you can - try to look for the positives in going back, especially if your DH will have your baby as that will be great time for them to spend together. But it does sound like you have wider issues that need addressing and soon if you're to be working as a team to bring up your child!

I had 4-6 months with mine. I think it's certainly do able but in a culture now where most have a year off it can lead to guilt and upset. I think smaller babies can settle in childcare more easily. They just need cuddles and milk.

NNChangeAgain makes a good point. There have been a couple of threads on here from men who have either complained about being the bread winner or complained their wives don't seek a job/better paid employment/longer hours. Often people on here have accused them of being abusive. Personally I don't think its abusive per se, but it does highlight that sometimes in relationships people want different things from each other. He probably stays in his job because it is what he enjoys.

From what I can see is you asking him to trade some of his happiness for yours? This is an interesting dilemma because he wants to keep doing what he's doing. He is not willing to sacrifice this (and it is a big ask). How do you think it would affect the relationship if you forced him into a job he hated?

It sounds like you need to evaluate what is truly important to you? Its clear that budging on the job is a non-starter for him. So to keep nagging would just cause more stress on your relationship. Of course splitting doesn't seem the answer, at least from a financial side. I cant see a way round this unless you can dramatically cut your costs. I get your resentment but being resentful to him will only damage things between you. I think this is just one of those things you'll need to suck up. You married him for love not his pay cheque. There is all sort of stuff people would love to do but money don't grow on trees. Unfortunately for many families the financial situation see parents expected to be both parents and earners. This is the reality of your situation.

Really, you knew that this was what you would have to do, and it's unfair to suddenly expect your dh to completely change his lifestyle so you can afford to stay at home.

You can either suck it up and go back to work (I went back when dd was 6 weeks old) or

Change your family's lifestyle by pulling in your reigns drastically. No days out, clothes on when absolutely necessary and then from charity shops, cheaper food, no treats, no Sky or Netflix etc.

You are an independent woman, and you don't need to rely on your dh to be able to afford what you need.

One year his tax office did a full investigation- they couldn't understand why he was still " in business"- and they investigated me too even though I had deliberately kept well out of it:

Interesting. I wonder if they investigate a self-employed woman in the same circumstances? I've certainly never been investigated, despite earning less than the tax threshold every year (the fact that they keep putting it up helps!).

Like many others on here I had just 3 months ML with my first baby because that's all we got 25 years ago. So please be reassured that it will be fine... in fact if anything it's probably easier to start leaving a baby when they're a few months old than when they're almost a year and separation anxiety peaks. Of course that's not going to change the way you feel, but the most important thing is that your baby will be fine.
It's not really fair to resent your dh when he's been completely upfront about his work intentions. There seem to be hundreds of threads on MN where women are saying that only earn a tiny fraction of what their Husband does, so it's double standards really to make out that there's anything wrong with the woman being main breadwinner

NN it does happen. Though you could go years without it happening. My mil was investigated. her job was a hobby really. She didn't need to work or earn money so never pushed her business more. Just a few hours a week.

OP - thinking about what you've said here, is it more that you are annoyed you've been believing his 'sales pitch' about how much better his business will be in X month/next year/when Z happens etc.

That you've tried to tackle it and then he's always been able to convince you that this time next year it'll be grand, you just deal with the day to day now, and next year, you'll be rich... that you've always given in when confronting him, when next year arrives and he still isn't a millionaire, when there's always an excuse for missing deadlines, and it's been ok because it's not like it's mattered because you could pay the rent/mortgage/bills/buy food...

But now it matters.

Now you can't just extend the deadline to 'next year'.

This time, there was a fixed deadline, the baby arriving and you reducing to SMP.

And it's hit you that there's always going to be a new deadline - there's always going to be a reason why he'll be rich in 6 months time, just not now. There's always a reason why as a couple, you'd be better off putting up with being poorer now than if he had a 'proper job' so that in some point in the future you'll be far richer than if he was just 'a wage slave'... So you will always be the one who has to keep the family in the black.

Yabu, the time to discuss changes was ideally before getting pregnant or certainly once you were pregnant. A month before you're due back to work when it's too late to change, it's pointless. You knew the situation months and years ago.

Dinosaurs makes a good point about it now having hit home. I posted about my own situation above - our money situation has always been flaky thanks to DH's low salaries but now his low earning potential actually makes me feel a bit down about the future as it impacts on ds too.

It would also explain why you've gone ahead with having a baby despite knowing the situation, as you were probably hoping he'd change? People have said to me on here before (and my mum in real life) that it always takes men longer to come to terms with what it means to be a dad and the changes a baby brings. I don't like mass generalisations like that but perhaps more involvement in your baby's life will give your DH the perspective that he needs?

How is OP spoiled? Hardly.

Are there any options such as returning part time initially or taking a mortgage holiday for a few months ( if applicable?)

I understand your sadness and a real baby is so much harder to leave than a theoretical baby. What does dh say about all this? It does sound a very fundamental difference that will cause long term resentment if nothing changes.

Ive been there. What it amounts to is you are the one responsible for all the finances. It is frustrating and pressured. Before having another child you need to either save enough to stay off longer, or find another partner. Your current one doesnt want or have to change, as you fix everything. It wasnt a joint decision to continue in self employment that isnt financially viable.

I think OP is getting a bit of a hard time on here. I found it really hard to leave mine at 4 months and then 6 months second time around. Most people have much longer off and then not that many return FT.
I don't think I was ever resentful of OH as he was doing the best he could. We just had literally no money for about 5 years. In hindsight we would probably have broken even if I had given up work and we had claimed tax credits.
However I am glad now that I didn't do that & both kids have turned out fine with a mix of childminder/MIL looking after them I kept my hand in with my job & carried on with pension/national insurance etc.
It does sound like the OPs OH needs to step up a bit - she is going to be, so why shouldn't he?

she is going to be

She doesn't want to.

She wants him to change work so she can continue to stay at home.

I don't think it's any mans 'job' to provide more than 50% of household costs. In the same way as I don't think it's a woman's job to do more than 50% of the housework. In each individual relationship you rebalance that according to strengths and what way you both want to live but if I don't think you can complain that he's not earning enough to let you not work. Providing for your child and your life together is both of your responsibility equally.

I took 12 weeks on my first, 6 weeks on my second and 4 weeks on my third. A bit different because I can work from home but in any case I still think I have equal responsibility to earn.

I don't think it matters that you 'knew what you were getting into'.

You have a child now and that changes everything. If you are not happy with the current situation and want to spend more time with your baby you are not being unreasonable. Your partner should understand that and be prepared to talk about it with you. If he is not prepared to do that, then that is worrying on a different level - how much does he care about how you feel? You will also need to listen to him

Ultimately you will need to do what is right for all of you. If you can afford to take more time off work right now, with DH working or not, and that is really important to you, then you should do it.

Could you maybe work part time OP? If you then get a lovely local childminder (personal bias but I reckon better for a young child than nursery) that could work?

I also think OP is getting a hard time here. Yes some women can't get back to work quick enough, but in most cases it goes against your natural instinct to be separated from your baby before they are weaned or before you are ready. This is not being "spoilt". People do what they have to do, of course, but there is no use pretending that being "forced" back to work due to financial circumstances is ideal. My husband did see it as his responsibility to financially provide once we started a family and I think most men do, particularly for the first year or in cases where a couple are planning multiple children. So no OP, YANBU at all.