to resent DH because I have to return to work after ML

[Idontknow123]

Basically, we have a 3 month old and I would've been on ML for 4 months when I return to work in January. I work full time and can take 12 months (only received company maternity pay for 6 weeks) but, we are so reliant on my salary I have to go back when our baby is only 3 months old.

DH is self employed, works long hours but work/income is unreliable and erratic and he refuses to get what I call a regular job, set hours set wage. I've been asking him for 3 years todo this but its never been a problem really until now. I've made up the shortfall needed for our household so many times but now I feel differently. I want to take a year home with my baby but I can't unless he will change his way of working, which he won't. Its always next year will be different...next year I'll make lots of money but next year never comes.

What would you do?

I got the feeling from the OP that she's the main earner, but actually that the bigger problem is that his income is so erratic that it's difficult to plan and budget around it.

My DH is S/E, and it does make it harder to plan as his income varies substantially. We took a huge risk in expanding the business last year (2015) which we knew would make for a tough year but which would start generating good income in the middle of 2016. And it would have, but instead he expanded again in August so we're back to it making naff all, probably until next year. We'd like another child, and if I'd got pregnant based on the original plans we'd have been stuffed. That's what it can be like with someone with a self employed and volatile income, and if it's been going on for years with no real improvement then I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to say actually, we have a kid now, you need to have a more stable income which we can plan around. It might not be higher overall, but just regular and secure.

Doesn't mean she's expecting to be a 1950s housewife with a man keeping her

So the DH is contributing neither money or time to the family unit? And is expecting a stressed out new mother to force herself back to work so that this dynamic does not have to change? Why did he have a baby if he was not prepared to absorb any of the impact? I don't think this is a 50s view but I do think couples should share the impact of becoming parents.

StatisticallyChallenged makes a very good point.

I know someone whose other half has his own business, it doesn't make much money and so she has to work really hard all the time to supplement the family income/be the main bread winner. I am not sure but I get the impression she does the vast majority of the work around the home and with the kids too. Not just the practical tasks but all that is involved with kids as well.

If the man is out at work all day but still finding it hard to contribute to the bills in a meaningful way it must be very frustrating.

It also sounds like the OP's other half has not been straight with her, has not said outright that this will never change.

Idon'tknow you said "Its always next year will be different...next year I'll make lots of money but next year never comes."

So looks like you are hanging on waiting for something to change. He is probably hanging on waiting for things to pick up and be different at work.

Hope you find a way through this together.

20 odd years ago I was the high earner and my DP was a bit flakey, in a poorly paid but solid job. I planned to go back part time.

When I had my baby I absolutely knew there was no way I could go back and leave him. We scraped along on one salary. (Probably impossible now). We were very, very poor, but we were happy enough.

Interestingly though, my flakey man had a bit of a metamorphosis. He got a massive promotion, he got headhunted by another company, then he set up on his own. He has been very, very successful. It was almost like some primitive provider gene in him got triggered.

Agree they should have jointly planned expat but my reply was in response to those implying that she wanted to become a Sah.
One years maternity leave I'd not the same as being a sahp.

YABU....

How would you feel if he said you should go back to work and get a job that paid significantly more so that YOU can save to be off on mat leave?

You knew what he did for a job all along, aiming to change another person is setting things up for failure.

This isn't the 1950s - it isn't his 'job' to earn enough money for you to be at home for a year with each child.

But yes....as PP have said....in the U.K. we think of a year as 'normal maternity leave' but three or four months is standard in a lot of European countries and in the US most women are back to work within weeks!

Given that you are where you are now, could you negotiate working part-time (e.g 3 days a week) for the next 9 months so you at least get some of the maternity leave time you wanted with your dc? Then after the 9 months see how you've coped financially and whether that could be continued or if not ask for compressed hours (5 days in 4) so you at least get one day without impacting wages.

Parents often make work changes after DC, for the benefit of the family, eg going PT, doing work we don't enjoy as much as other options to earn money. sounds like OP's H is unwilling even to consider doing so. He is insisting on continuing in self employment with (it seems) no clear or imminent prospect of success when he could earn more and have more stable hours (better for childcare etc) as an employee. That makes him very U.

I wonder whether the DH would consider being a SAHD if they can afford to?

That's what we're planning to do in the same situation. I will go back to work after a few months and then DP will be the stay at home parent.

For those saying you need to stay at home to breastfeed....you really don't. I'm working with someone at the moment who is in a senior role, back full time and expresses. Her DP is a SAHD.

YABU

YABU, you knew your situation. Your comment about 'making up the shortfall' implies that you see it as your DH's position to be the provider and you are doing him a favour.

I was in the position as main breadwinner but now 20+ years down the line. 3 DCs, the longest ML I had was 3 months after the birth. You cut your cloth. We went into starting a family knowing I would be straight back to work full time. There have been times when I have felt unhappy with my lot in life but that was the hand I was dealt so that is the hand I play.

I think the shortfall indicates that her dh hasn't been covering 50% of the household expenses. Plus if hiscworkibg hours are long than I doubt he is contributing as much in other ways as op. Yet IP must now return to work earlier do she can continue to pay more than 50% of the household expenses plus no doubt more 50% of the childcare and other household task.
OK I am guessing has OK hasn't been back

His working

Lots of hard line views here. Lots of working mums who probably were meeting work deadlines whilst giving birth! Yes I do work by the way

Pre kids it's hard to forecast the level of love or how much suddenly you just want to be there for your baby. It's totally new and quite an unexpected surprise. Posters can say till their blue in the face 'oh you knew you what the deal was bla bla bla' BUT you'd never had a baby before and it's a total heart thing. Of course you want to be with your baby. Of course you're frustrated with things that prevent this. That's ok. Now you know more about the situation/emotions, you can make future plans. Whether it be for this child or the next.

Is there anyway you could drop a day so you're working a 4 day week?

Falafel

That's true. I'm a mummy like this (with a DH who works for a university and therefore luckily has much more part time opportunities and flexibility than I do).
But when you have a very short ML and start working long quite soon after giving birth... (especially when you have a job where working time is not measured...)

I mean, yes, I do understand why the OP is annoyed, but needing to go back to work is simply reality for many of us. And it isn't like the OP was blindsided by this or anything. Or like she can expect her DH to be the main provider.

However, has she answered the question whether the DH would be the main caretaker and do most work around the house if she is the main provider?
Because I do think it's different if DH says he won't have the time to do these because of work...

its pure conjecture to assume that her dh isn't contributing 50%. The OP states that he works long hours and earns, and that she makes up the 'shortfall'- if anything, that implies that she sees it as his 'job' to provide and she tops up with her income.

It's very unreasonable of her to expect him to change his job simply to provide what she wants. It's also pure conjecture that she'll do most of the housework - if women are daft enough to assume that domestic chores fall mainly to them even though they work outside the home as much as their partner, more fool them.

Much as I'm fond of MN it really is like waking up in the 1950s sometimes. There are frequently threads where women proudly declare that it's not worth them working because their income wouldn't begin to cover childcare, and besides, their high earning high flier hubby needs them at home.... Now we have an OP expecting her dh to change his job so that she can take a year off on ML....
presumably you love your dh OP. Presumably that's why you're with him and chose to procreate with him? Look at the reasons you are together, and work at creating a lovely family as the people you are. That's worth a whole lot more than pushing your dh into a job he doesn't want purely to facilitate what you want. 5,10, 20 years down the line you won't give a thought to whether you had 4 months, 6 months or 12 months ML - seriously.

working long hours*

Oh well, I think my comment still made sense. Kind of. Maybe...

Interesting. I wonder if they investigate a self-employed woman in the same circumstances? I've certainly never been investigated, despite earning less than the tax threshold every year (the fact that they keep putting it up helps!).

I have seen women be investigated after their income dropped, when they had children. I have seen women investigated, because HMRC did not believe their earnings and expenses fitted their industry model. I have seen a man investigated, because he habitually took out 0% interest credit card loans to reduce his flexible mortgage, and their calculations showed that with such large debts, he should not be able to afford the minimum repayments (assuming a normal credit card rate) on his declared income.

Once an investigation is opened, they have to carry it out to the bitter end, even if there is a simple explanation for the difference to the industry norm, or the change.

Just because one person has not been investigated, doesn't mean no woman is ever, I promise you. HMRC do not discriminate by sex in who they choose to investigate.

Op said in her first post that her dh works hard and works long hours, self employed people find they're income fluctuates it's just the way it is I think essentially she is being a bit unreasonable. My dh is self employed, I've never considered asking him to give it up for more money. I hope he wouldn't start asking me to give up my job either and 'just get a better one'.

Loopis

Well, if DH works long hours but doesn't have a job that's actually profitable I do understand the OP being quite annoyed.

I mean, sure, she knew that before she had the baby. But I personally would not be ok with this.

How low are we talking though? The op hasn't came back but how do we know the dh isn't making the average salary for his industry, she knew that when she met him but now isn't happy? I do get that its hard to have such a short time at home with her baby, I would be interested in hearing the dh's point of view.

horatio

No, I agree. But I think if his job doesn't make enough to at least support them (if they were living a very modest/simple live)ndespite working full time... well, that is an issue.

I mean, hiring a childminder isn't cheap. And 2 parents working full-time when that most likely isn't even a financial advantage? Eh... 😖

I agree that this should have been sorted before a baby, but perhaps the op had to "convince" him to have a baby, she may have felt her fertility was more time limited than he did. I would guess she had no leverage to change & DH has his cake & eats it. I think you should have planned better for yourself, OP, but how you imagine things will be and how they actually are are completely different.
Can you do some working from home & have a nanny in the house? Have Wednesdays off?