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Original poster

No invite for allergic child

145 replies

NamechangeforDN · 03/12/2016 21:26

Name changed as this will out me!!

Not sure what to do about this...

My dd (6) has been invited to a birthday party, which she is very excited about, however...

Dd's best friend has a severe nut allergy, and the mother of the child who's birthday it is has said that she will not have the best friend at the party as she cannot garuntee there will be no traces of nuts in any of the food.

Understandably best friends mother is very upset and she does not no what to say. She has offered to provide a packed lunch for her dd and attend to take responsibility for her and make sure she doesn't eat any other foods, but has been told we are sorry but no!!

Should I say something or butt out?? Feel so awful for the kid (and the mother). I think it is really mean to single out a 6 year old like that!

OP posts:
SailingThroughTime · 03/12/2016 21:28

That's such a shitty attitude. I'd take your DD and friend out for a treat instead if DD is happy to do that.

DailyMailSucksAss · 03/12/2016 21:30

How severe is this allergy? Some kids can have a reaction with microscopic particles. Also, can the child be trusted not to go for any of the food there? It's tough but I personally would do the same as the birthday girl/boy's mum.

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2016 21:30

It's very mean but if she has offered to provide a packed lunch for her dd, and attend to take responsibility for her, and make sure she doesn't eat any other foods, but has been told we are sorry but no....then I'm guessing the allergy is a poorly disguised excuse.

There's obviously another reason why she doesn't want the child or her mother there, so personally I'd stay out of it.

Masketti · 03/12/2016 21:33

The parent bringing the food and staying with the child means all responsibility stays with the parent not the hostess. That child may never experience birthday parties to take this to the extreme.

We invited an anaphylaxtic friend to a pizza making party. Her mother stayed with her and assumed all responsibility for her food consumption. Simple.

Mehfruittea · 03/12/2016 21:39

I personally would speak to the child's mum first, so I could understand what steps I could reasonably take when planning the party. At age 6, I would expect the parent to take all of the responsibility anyway, they should risk assess and grill the host!!

This sounds very unreasonable and particularly cruel for the little girl. Her mum knows what to do to care for her and keep her alive - if a packed lunch and supervision is all that is required then the host has nothing to worry about.

Graceflorrick · 03/12/2016 21:46

What a very spiteful attitude, that poor little girl.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2016 21:49

That is really nasty and spiteful. The mum has offered to accompany the child, but it is still a no. How awful. I would take the two girls out somewhere nice instead.

SantaPleaseBringMeEwanMcGregor · 03/12/2016 22:01

Most houses with kids are going to have traces of peanut butter, Nutella, or other nuts, and you can't always see them to clean them. If the child is so allergic that contact with that invisible residue can set off an attack, then I can understand the hostess not wanting to be responsible for that situation. It would still be good to discuss it with the child's mother first, though, rather than simply saying, "No."

If it's simply a matter of not eating them, then the child's mother has provided a good fix for it, and the hosting parents are either being mean or overly paranoid by saying no! I feel so bad for the girl. :( She's done nothing wrong.

Araminta99 · 03/12/2016 22:04

Maybe she just doesn't want the little girl's Mum to come along. Do they get along OP?

Candlestickchick · 03/12/2016 22:15

I can understand the mother hosting the party not wanting to be responsible for ensuring a girl with a potentially fatal nut allergy doesn't eat something she shouldn't, but cannot see why she would not have here there if the child's mother has offered to go and remain responsible for her.

Musicinthe00ssucks · 03/12/2016 22:16

This woman is an utterly shitty arsehole. What a nasty thing to do to a small child. This surely has to go way beyond the fact that the child has a nut allergy, which she is obviously able to manage in day-to-day life.

DustyCropHopper · 03/12/2016 22:19

Gosh that is an awful reason not to invite a child. We invited a child to dad's party with a severe nut allergy. I spoke to mum, clarified certain foods and said she was welcome to bring food with her if she preferred. Mum did stay but I wouldn't have minded if she hadn't.

GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 03/12/2016 22:21

Nasty.

Maybe it's nothing to do with concern for the child with the allergy - maybe she doesn't want her dd's party 'spoiled' if the other child has a shock reaction.

Crumbs1 · 03/12/2016 22:22

Maybe they don't actually like the child or mother? Not kind if only one child excluded but if they aren't very nice and would ruin party then hosts call. Might be kinder to let the child think it is because of allergy rather than because they were a whingey attention seeking brat that nobody liked.

PatriciaHolm · 03/12/2016 22:24

How many others are going?

All the class - then shit to single a child out. 4 or 5 - then up to the party mum. Just because the child is your DDs best friend doesn't mean she gets an invite if it's a small party, surely.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 03/12/2016 22:24

It's shitty yes, but may be the hosting mum doesn't like the other mum and doesn't wish to entertain her.

daydreamnation · 03/12/2016 22:25

My ds has a severe nut allergy, what a sad post Sad Presumably they go to school? If the allergic child can function at school well, then common sense would suggest that with their own food and a parent with them there is nothing to worry about.
What an unbelievably mean attitude, I've spent years putting party packed lunches, making plates of cakes etc and people have never been anything but concerned but very kind.
Please shun this fool and take your dd and friend out somewhere lovely!

Original poster
NamechangeforDN · 03/12/2016 22:27

Araminta- they don't know each other that well but are friendly at school.

I have spoken to best friends mum tonight and we are going to do something nice with the girls as a treat. My dd got upset earlier because she doesn't want to upset her friend by going without her (they are joined at the hip) you could see she was really struggling with it as she was so excited! She doesn't really undaerstand why she isn't going either- not sure what to tell her!!

OP posts:
TheFirie · 03/12/2016 22:28

Sadly this is the reality for every allergic children. DS1's best friend is mortally allergic to nuts. When he invited him over for the first time, his mother told me about the allergy and that she would perfectly understand if we didn't want to have such a responsibility. He always carries an epipen with him and at the first playdates he would never eat anything but just munch on apples he had taken from his home.

Now he knows ours is a safe house, he easts what I cook and he has become my son's best friend and I am very close to his mum. She told me that most parents declined having him, afraid of what would happen .

Probably the mum of the girl doesn't want to risk ruining her DD 's birthday

PebbleInTheMoonlight · 03/12/2016 22:34

NamechangeforDN to answer your question. Stay out of it. Even if the hostess is being ridiculous it's not your job to police parental/child politics.

As Crumbs said, it's entirely possible that the allergy is a convenient excuse not to invite rather than open exclusion. Your DDs best friend might be a thorn in the side to the party child (seen this played out many times between interlinked friendship groups).

TheDrMeredithGrey · 03/12/2016 22:38

Good god, stay out of it.

This is how 3 women in the same village exchange death glares for the next 60 years, mark my words.

MidniteScribbler · 03/12/2016 22:39

I couldn't have a child with an allergy so severe that they react to traces in the house because I use nuts a lot in my cooking and I'm always munching on handfuls as I walk around the house so there's probably residue all over the house. That said, if there was a child with such an allergy that my DS wanted to invite to his party, I would have it at a play venue or park so that they could attend.

sobersarah · 03/12/2016 22:46

I had this situation when DD was in primary school. I talked to the parent of the VERY VERY allergenic child, we sorted out a plan, the parent came along to the parties for the 4 years until the child was old enough to sort food etc stuff out for herself ( around aged 10) and I made various minor adjustments to our life the few days before ( no peanuts in the bird feeder or gluten/nut /dairy baking in the kitchen) . This was NOT a close friend btw (the child or the parent) but we just did it anyway as that is what you do to make sure everyone invited is happy and included in the party. Adult or child. If I had an adult who was allergic to stuff I would do this for a meal so WTF is the problem?

I really cannot understand doing anything different.

PatriciaHolm · 03/12/2016 22:47

How many kids are invited, OP?

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2016 22:50

My dd got upset earlier because she doesn't want to upset her friend by going without her (they are joined at the hip) you could see she was really struggling with it as she was so excited! She doesn't really undaerstand why she isn't going either- not sure what to tell her!!

Hmm I think you're on dangerous ground there tbh.

Both girls need to realise they won't always be invited to the same parties, and as much as it's nice having a friend that close, being 'joined at the hip' should not mean one is too afraid to go to a party, for fear of upsetting the other one.

I'd tell your DD that it's ok to go to whatever party she's been invited to without her friend and that this won't be the only time it happens.

You can always still do a day out with both girls, 'just because'.

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