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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No invite for allergic child

145 replies

NamechangeforDN · 03/12/2016 21:26

Name changed as this will out me!!

Not sure what to do about this...

My dd (6) has been invited to a birthday party, which she is very excited about, however...

Dd's best friend has a severe nut allergy, and the mother of the child who's birthday it is has said that she will not have the best friend at the party as she cannot garuntee there will be no traces of nuts in any of the food.

Understandably best friends mother is very upset and she does not no what to say. She has offered to provide a packed lunch for her dd and attend to take responsibility for her and make sure she doesn't eat any other foods, but has been told we are sorry but no!!

Should I say something or butt out?? Feel so awful for the kid (and the mother). I think it is really mean to single out a 6 year old like that!

OP posts:

LunaLoveg00d · 04/12/2016 08:48

It is really hard work hosting a party for children with special dietary requirements although I do think the host on this occasion is being unreasonable. My daughter has a friend with a nut allergy, another who doesn't have dairy and a third who is Muslim and isn't allowed any pork products or gelatine which rules out most chewy sweeties like Haribo. Shopping for parties is a NIGHTMARE as I want all the girls to have the same and not single out some as "different". I was shocked at things like pizzas having "may contain traces of nuts" warning labels.

In the situation of the OP I would have loved the allergic girl's mum to offer a packed lunch or to stay. It's a huge responsibility knowing you have allergic children in your care and not being familiar with what may trigger a severe reaction.

trixymalixy · 04/12/2016 08:52

As a parent of a severely allergic child this makes me very sad.

i always either bring food for DS or contact the venue myself to make sure there is something safe for him to eat. I would never expect another parent to guarantee that there would be no allergens present.

Lasthurrah · 04/12/2016 09:02

Teacher at our school distributes invites discreetly, to prevent hurt feelings which can spill into teaching time and also probably to make parents think about how they handle parties and to not be mean about it or exclude one or two.

LittleCandle · 04/12/2016 09:03

I had this when DD1 was at school. The only party invitation she got, apart from her best friend (and best friend's mother is a close friend of mine) was from one wee boy. I offered to go along, but was told it was fine. DD1 had a great time playing games, but didn't eat anything (eating was still something of an issue, as she had only really been eating properly for about a year at this point, due to her continual reactions to almost everything) and trotted out with a party bag that didn't contain a single thing she could have. But the novelty of going to a party was enough for her. That was the last school-age party she went to, apart from her best friend's, and since that was during the summer holidays, it wasn't a whole class event.

It is the sad reality that parents are afraid of something happening to the child. I don't blame them in the slightest. It is tough for your DD's best friend, but there is nothing you can do to make this mother invite the child. Sorry, but that's cold hard reality for you.

thatdearoctopus · 04/12/2016 09:17

Staff at our school won't get involved with party invitations either. Quite right.
Much too much else to do.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 04/12/2016 09:20

That is cruel. Just cruel.

frumpet · 04/12/2016 09:22

I would never exclude a child from a whole class party , I mean what would you do for your encore ? have kitten kicking as part of the entertainment ?

llangennith · 04/12/2016 09:28

OP you're good role model for your DD.

Bitlost · 04/12/2016 09:30

Excluding one child from a whole class party is cruel. I wouldn't take part in it personally. The mother of the allergic little girl seems very reasonable and has offered to attend. I really can't understand what's going in the birthday girl's mother's head. Probably not much...

imnervous · 04/12/2016 09:33

How mean

DS1 has a severe nut allergy, until he was probably 8/9 I always stayed at parties with him, didn't want the parent stressing about him. I stopped once he became more confident in knowing what he could eat ( and when he no longer had any friends parents who stayed!)

I've never heard of him being snubbed because of it

INeedNewShoes · 04/12/2016 09:50

This is so depressing. I have a very severe nut allergy.

I was so fortunate growing up that it was still rare then which meant that other parents didn't have 'the fear' about it that a few isolated recent cases have provoked.

From the age of 3 or 4 I knew what I could and couldn't eat. At parties a parent (not necessarily mine) would walk me around the table of party food showing me which bits I had to avoid and that was sufficient to keep me safe.

I had occasional reactions to things I hadn't actually eaten but a 'may contain traces' product is highly unlikely to cause a dangerous reaction. Yes, contamination on the allergic child's plate from a peanut butter sandwich another child is eating could be lethal but I think people take the 'May Contain Traces' warning on labels far too seriously. Its just an insurance policy for the producer! Those warnings have made my life more complicated not less.

BarbarianMum · 04/12/2016 09:50

Excluding one child from a whole class party because they are different in some way is just mean. Shame on those who would just be fine with it because it wasn't their child who was being excluded.

Imgoing2killhim · 04/12/2016 10:34

I'm sorry but I wouldn't invite her either with such a severe nut allergy. Even with the parent there I'd still feel hugely responsible if something were to happen. I'd blame myself and I wouldn't want to take the risk. It would send my anxiety sky high and I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy my DC's special day.

Plus we love nuts in our house and has they're not allowed them at school, home is the one place we can have them and they'd feature in the party food and cake. A lot of our cooking products and beauty products contain nuts so there's no way I could make our home nut free.

My DC was excluded from all but 1 child's party occurring in primary school due to her SN and they made it very obvious. I just explained to my dc that that's how life is sometimes. I would at least hand out the invites discreetly and I'd have explained to the mum why it wasn't possible for her dc to attend.

In reality though, even though she was excluded, we always handed out invites to everyone in the class (in the first few years of primary), although tbf, we didn't have many parties as many of the other children always snubbed her and didn't turn up which was more hurtful than not being invited. We managed with children with less severe allergies (coeliac,dairy, etc), but I couldn't cope with a nut allergy.

I would've explained that to the mum though and as my dd's birthday falls in one of the school breaks, it wouldn't have been so obvious and the children wouldn't be talking about it by the time they went back to school.

So please don't assume it's because she's a cow.

Imgoing2killhim · 04/12/2016 10:40

The fact that schools, etc, ban nuts would play a part in my decision as they obviously think it's much more risky then other types of allergies.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/12/2016 10:43

I think know you are all being harsh tbh.

Maybe she's just shit scared I know I would be.

Having had several parties fir my dds I know own just how crap parents can be at informing you of dietary requirements etc

It's just not possible to watch children like a hawk the whole time. Amd kids run up and down from the table and touch door handles with cheese powdery fingers etc

Parties are a nightmare fir spreading allergens

I never served anything with nuts at dds parties however my house is full of them and due to eczema alot of the soaps etc contain nut oils so my kids are a walking death trap fir very sensitive children....

I would invite however I can tell you if be bloody shit scared that something would happen and trusting a stranger to live up to their word and hope that a small child doesn't steal any of the food they can't have would be a big worry too.

Doesn't matter if parent is there or not you can't tell me that the host won't feel responsible or stressed or upset of something happened..

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/12/2016 10:44

And that pretty much applies to all foods as they all say may contain eggs nuts seeds milk etc

I'd he equally worried about the cheese stuff and the eggs in the cake etc

Rowgtfc72 · 04/12/2016 11:45

Dd has twice invited a child with a severe dairy allergy to her birthday party.

The mum offered to send pack up but we managed to sort out food the child could eat. Bit stumped with the party bag but managed to find dairy free chocolate and sweets. Felt awful I couldn't put cake in and even more awful when I saw how grateful the mum was for the dairy free sweets.

I will say I had the mum on speed dial and knew the child well enough to know she could handle her own allergy.

Damselindestress · 04/12/2016 13:54

That's such a shame. I can understand the birthday girl's mother being concerned if the girl with the allergy reacts to minute traces of nuts because I'm sure she would feel terrible if a child had a potentially life-threatening attack because she didn't wipe invisible traces of an allergen off a surface or didn't realise a party food was made in the same factory as nuts but if the girl's mother has offered to accompany her and take responsibility for supervising what she eats and looking after her if she is ill then that seems like an acceptable compromise to me. It's impossible to completely avoid risk, it's all about minimising it or the poor girl won't get to go to any parties! I can understand you would be uncomfortable sending your DD to a party that her best friend is excluded from, it's a nice idea to do something for the two of them instead.

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 04/12/2016 14:57

Mishmash1979 very true but is that not also true of the mother? We don't know her history, her general wellbeing, her life story. Most people here are all for bullying the mother who's having the party for HER child. But none of us have walked a mile in her shoes either!

Nomoocluck · 04/12/2016 15:06

Given that it is a whole class party, it is highly unlikely to be held at home. So unless there is insistence that nuts are part of the menu, the risk would be similar to the allergic child having lunch at school i.e. with other children who have brought packed lunches from home.

If you can exclude ONE child on the basis of her allergy from a whole class party, when her mum is there to supervise and provide food, then it doesn't matter what the justification is. It is a shitty thing to do.

As an adult the party mum has made a choice to actively exclude a child who has done no wrong. It is her right to do so, just as it is the right of others to judge her behaviour.

user1480182169 · 04/12/2016 15:12

My child has been excluded from whole class parties before for a kind of similar reason. You get used to it. Yes, it stinks, but I understand a little.

I don't get into feuds and fights with anyone about it though. It's not important enough.

INeedNewShoes · 04/12/2016 21:23

To those talking about cosmetics, the nut oils in soaps, shampoos etc. are very very unlikely to cause a reaction because of the process they go through to get to the refined oil.

Has the parent of the allergic child actually stated that no 'may contain traces' products must be present?

Its a whole other debate but I strongly disagree with the total ban on nuts in schools, precisely because it creates a false environment where the child can't learn how to look after themselves. If these children are then excluded from other's homes the impact on their social life and development will be huge.

Thank goodness I've been surrounded by non-hysterical people who are willing to make a bit of effort to accommodate me.

I do understand that it is nerve-wracking catering for someone with allergies. I take it very seriously indeed if I am cooking for someone with allergies. I would never in a million years exclude someone because of their allergy.

Are we getting to the point where an allergy needs to be considered to be a disability to prevent kids from being excluded from events down to their medical condition?

FeelingSmurfy · 07/12/2016 00:20

Luna marks and Spencer do a good range of vegetarian jelly sweets not sure if it will come up again for you. They even do percy pig ones and at easter/Halloween/Christmas they normally have Christmas ones that are vegetarian too. The taste and texture is like normal sweets

LunaLoveg00d · 07/12/2016 10:24

Yes I've had the veggie Percy sweets and they're great. Got caught out last party because we had a chocolate fountain and marshmallows, didn't even think that those might have gelatine in them too. Luckily the girl concerned was happy with strawberries and banana. I don't like having different things for children at a party, I'd rather have the same thing for everyone so that nobody feels excluded. Last party my daughter had a "posh tea party" with little dainty sandwiches so I just made sure that along with the ham there was tuna and egg to cater for everyone.

xStefx · 07/12/2016 10:28

What a bitch, poor little girl

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