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AIBU?

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Original poster

No invite for allergic child

145 replies

NamechangeforDN · 03/12/2016 21:26

Name changed as this will out me!!

Not sure what to do about this...

My dd (6) has been invited to a birthday party, which she is very excited about, however...

Dd's best friend has a severe nut allergy, and the mother of the child who's birthday it is has said that she will not have the best friend at the party as she cannot garuntee there will be no traces of nuts in any of the food.

Understandably best friends mother is very upset and she does not no what to say. She has offered to provide a packed lunch for her dd and attend to take responsibility for her and make sure she doesn't eat any other foods, but has been told we are sorry but no!!

Should I say something or butt out?? Feel so awful for the kid (and the mother). I think it is really mean to single out a 6 year old like that!

OP posts:
MyHouseToday · 03/12/2016 22:51

We had an allergic friend in class. Yes the type that gets hospitalised from nut traces transferred via a door handle. It never occurred to me not to invite them, but a parent always came to the party and unobtrusively sat in the background, and that was totally understandable and no problem at all.

Happy50 · 03/12/2016 22:52

As a teacher I saw how the child left out of party invites is usually not a bully or unkind ( I know there are always exception) - it's usually the child with special needs or a little different in some way
On one occasion, there were 12 boys in a class and only 10 invited.
As usual, the child with aspergers was excluded
Consequently , if my own children had a large party every-one was invited .
Lessons in kindness and tolerance are good for all children and learning there by the grace of God go I

sortthetacheoutbernard · 03/12/2016 22:53

This is our life with severely allergic dd.
I worry for her that she misses out on so much but thankfully we have good people who let me come to parties (I'm good at washing up and general helping out too) so that dd doesn't miss out.

Original poster
NamechangeforDN · 03/12/2016 22:54

It's the whole class. Just feels wrong to leave one child out. Also is this going to happen for her whole childhood?? That seems so wrong! Poor thingSad

Really don't think it's that they don't like her/the mother. She is a very sweet girl.

I know that they won't always be invited to the same parties, I think it's that dd and best friend assumed they would both be invited as the birthday girl had been talking about it for ages. And as I said it's the whole class!!!

OP posts:
sortthetacheoutbernard · 03/12/2016 22:58

But Worra OP's dd may well be sensing that it's because her friend is a bit different or has a special need and it's not right.

Good for her for not being comfortable with that. She sounds like a great pal.

Some of the comments on this thread are upsetting as a parent of an allergic child. It's always adults who aren't prepared to make even slight changes (like having an additional adult present) kids are always brilliant with food allergic friends!

CrazyCavalierLady · 03/12/2016 22:58

You need to stay out of it. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

FWIW my decision to invite a child or not would depend on the parents attitude. I work in schools (management). We have parents of children with the most severe allergies who are calm, organised and matter of fact - their child would be invited to ours. Others who are precious, pedantic and competely OTT for the most benign allergic reactions - there is no way I'd be dealing with them or their child in my home.

CocktailQueen · 03/12/2016 22:58

Was going to say that dd has to realise that she and her friend will not all be invited to the same parties - but if it's a whole class arty and the bday girl has left out one child, then that is crap.

Unless ... there is some bullying or other similar history between the bday girl and your Dd's friend that we don't know about...

misshelena · 03/12/2016 22:59

OP - send dd to the party and, if I were you, I'd stay out of it. Your dd and her friend are not a "buy 1 get 1" deal. Nor are you and the friend's mom. As dd grows older, you will realize that kids break up and make up all the time and the adults should really just stay out of it because, as adults, we simply can't handle breaking up and making up again and again.

BalloonSlayer · 03/12/2016 22:59

Not all children are so allergic they react to microscopic particles.

The Mum may have fallen prey to the common misinformation "nut allergies are worse than any other allergies and every person with a nut allergy will go into anaphylactic shock if they encounter even a trace of a nut" (just about everyone I know seems to think this).

Or she may have had personal experience of someone else having that sort of reaction and can't bear even the possibility of that happening again and it being her "fault."

Or her DC's favourite ever party food is peanut butter sandwiches and they can't have them for school lunch because of other people's nut allergies (these bans reinforce the widespread belief that nut allergies are worse than other allergies) and she doesn't want to say they can't have them at their own birthday party.

Or any number of things really.

Not necessarily "shitty" or "spiteful."

And I say that as someone with a late-teens allergic DC who frequently can't find anything he can eat, which really does upset me.

MariamaMay · 03/12/2016 23:00

If its the whole class, and the Mum of the child with allergies has offered to take responsibility for her child, then on the face of it, it seems appalling. Wonder how Mum of child having party would feel if her DD was excluded from an all class party. I know its really challenging with things like allergies, but I had a friend with nut allergy, I just always checked with her about what could be in the house/what couldn't/what precautions I needed to take etc.

sortthetacheoutbernard · 03/12/2016 23:02

It's sometimes quite nice when someone chooses not to just 'stay out of it' on behalf of your allergic child.

cookiefiend · 03/12/2016 23:04

Give that it is a whole class party it is lovely of your DD to do that. It is a good lesson for her in supporting a friend. Spoil them both. I agree they can't always be invited to the same parties, but if she is the only one then that is horrible.

I would be worried having a severely allergic child to my party, but I would try my best and perhaps ask the parent to come or bring their own food. I can't believe a parent would do this. Either if is the whole class or it isn't.

NerdsAndMonsters · 03/12/2016 23:06

I think leaving one child out of a whole class party is really, really inexcusable.
I absolutely wouldn't say anything to the party mother, but I would politely decline the invitation citing a prior engagement and then do something alternative with the other girl.
In fact I've done exactly just this with one of my own children; I thought it was disgusting of the mother to single one child out (nothing to do with allergies in this case- just nastiness).

TimTamTerrier · 03/12/2016 23:08

One of the boys in DD's class is has an anaphylactic reaction to nuts. I didn't even know until his dad dropped him off at the party and handed over his epi-pen. I was a little nervous about it, but I just put the epi-pen in a safe place, told all the other adults where it was, and got on with it. I would never have considered not inviting him.

There's also a girl with an egg allergy in her class, not life-threatening but would make her feel ill for a few days. Again, I didn't know until her Mum told me that she couldn't have birthday cake when she was dropping her off. There wasn't much I could do about it the first year, but every party since I have served Mars bar rice crispy birthday cake which is fine for her to eat.

sortthetacheoutbernard · 03/12/2016 23:09

For those who would be worried about having an allergic child to your party, it's bloody worrying all the time having an allergic child. One person's understanding and accommodation of said child can make a huge difference.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/12/2016 23:13

The whole class is invited except for your dds friend. That's the epitome of clique exclusive cuntingtonness.
If I was that child's mother. I'd be going nuclear.

Singling out a child because of an allergy. Could you call that disablist.

AntiHop · 03/12/2016 23:21

If your dd wants to skip the party in solidarity, I think that's a great idea. It teaches your dd the importance of standing up for what is right, and will have a lasting positive impact on the other child.

The party parent is being very unreasonable.

SynchronisedCatsBumming · 03/12/2016 23:32

We had a boy with allergy at DC's 4th party and bent over backwards to accommodate him, after all it's not the child's fault. Shame on this mother for not at least attempting to find a solution. So glad your DD and friend are doing something else together instead.

GabsAlot · 03/12/2016 23:45

what happens when this kid goes out to shops etc- the host is overreacting noone going to sue her

Maryann1975 · 03/12/2016 23:53

A whole class party, leaving out just one child is an incredibly cruel thing to do. I could understand if the child was a bully or cruel to the birthday child, but because they have an allergy -dreadful. I would be making sure other parents knew why my child wasn't attending the party and pointing out to other parents that the mother is always willing to stay at these events and happy to have responsibility for her child and what she eats at parties.

Original poster
NamechangeforDN · 03/12/2016 23:54

Thanks for responding everyone. A very mixed set of opinions though!

Think I will not say anything, but make an extra special fuss of dd's friend.

I'm also not going to make the decision for dd. I don't think she will want to go but will leave it to her. I am so proud of her for being so thoughtful, and really caring about her friend.

There is a special day out they both keep begging to do, so we are going to do that with them (as long as dd decides not to go, if she does go to the party we will go another day) They will feel like it's all the other kids missing out Smile

OP posts:
gettingbythistime · 04/12/2016 00:10

The mother is a rotten old cow and as a mother of a dc with nut allergy I would tell her. When dd was young she never got left out. I took full responsibility plus dd only ate food I gave her to take so no worries for other parents. What a bitch

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 04/12/2016 00:24

Firstly. Stay out of it, it's nothing to do with you. Why are you trying to bully a parent into having this child? It's her kids party and she rightly or wrongly doesn't want the responsibility and worry of having a potentially fatal accident at her child's party. To her, her child comes first. You can't please everyone all the time and sometimes life isn't fair. My children are rarely aware of who is and who isn't going to a party so if they were the only ones not invited I doubt they'd notice. By making an issue out of it, you're making the kids aware. Also unfair!

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2016 00:29

Well done, OP for not standing by and watching one child being excluded.

I wish more people would do this. It's bad enough when they're excluded by their peers, but when it's by adults as well it's inexcusable.

Floggingmolly · 04/12/2016 00:37

How did the mother of the uninvited child broach the subject of providing her own food? Did she actually ask why she wasn't invited?

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