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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No invite for allergic child

145 replies

NamechangeforDN · 03/12/2016 21:26

Name changed as this will out me!!

Not sure what to do about this...

My dd (6) has been invited to a birthday party, which she is very excited about, however...

Dd's best friend has a severe nut allergy, and the mother of the child who's birthday it is has said that she will not have the best friend at the party as she cannot garuntee there will be no traces of nuts in any of the food.

Understandably best friends mother is very upset and she does not no what to say. She has offered to provide a packed lunch for her dd and attend to take responsibility for her and make sure she doesn't eat any other foods, but has been told we are sorry but no!!

Should I say something or butt out?? Feel so awful for the kid (and the mother). I think it is really mean to single out a 6 year old like that!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 04/12/2016 00:37

Or were you stirring, op?

neolara · 04/12/2016 00:42

My dd is allergic to nuts. When she goes to parties, I just check the food and tell her to avoid anything risky. It's perfectly fine. Host is being ridiculous if allergy is the real reason for not extending an invite to allergic child.

Nomoocluck · 04/12/2016 00:49

What an awful woman, and a ridiculous to boot since the child's mum has offered to be there and absolved her of any need to cater for the allergic child.

Well done OP for not standing aside and letting this pass without comment. And by that I don't mean confronting the party mum, just acknowledging the injustice of this and including the child in the special day out makes a difference. Because going by this thread, there are plenty who would happily watch an innocent child get sidelined - as long as it isn't theirs.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/12/2016 01:05

I would talk to the other Mum & ask what the real problem is. It doesn't appear to be the little girls allergy if your friend is happy to go & take responsibility for her. Maybe someone she knew died from an allergic reaction or something. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt until I had spoken to her, though with slight reservations as I think it's really rude not to explain to the other mum why she feels she can't have her DD at the party even though she's offered to stay & be responsible. IF she couldn't come up with anything reasonable, I'd tell her that it's totally unacceptable to have an entire class party and not invite one child with an allergy whose parent is happy to attend & take responsibility for. It's nasty.

It's all very well to say 'Stay out of it' or the tedious & overused 'Not your monkeys, not your circus', but that's just a cop out.

To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men

midsummabreak · 04/12/2016 01:25

Because going by this thread, there are plenty who would happily watch an innocent child get sidelined - as long as it isn't theirs Well said nomoocluck , as long it doesn't touch them Some don't get it until they walk in those shoes

GreatFuckability · 04/12/2016 01:50

stay out of it, my arse. a whole class party where ONE child is excluded for reasons beyond her control is mean in the extreme and I'd be telling everyone who listened what an absolutely awful thing this is. What a bitch.

Amelie10 · 04/12/2016 02:13

So this girl is very sweet according to you, and she's the only one excluded? And even though her mother offered to accompany her she was told no? That doesn't make sense, which means you don't know exactly the reason for this. Stay out, it's not your business.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/12/2016 04:07

Both my DC have significant health problems. DC1 is very allergic to peanuts. No one has ever left him out of invitations. People are so kind. This other mum's attitude seems selfish or thoughtless.

But I don't think you can get involved. You aren't the manners police. She can invite who she likes.

Lasthurrah · 04/12/2016 04:13

So mean. Preparing a party for a food allergic guest is no harder than cooking raw chicken - clean surfaces, clean utensils and checking for nut free food
.

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 05:35

It's a horrible thing to do to a kid. I can't think how she would be responsible for any allergy issues as she would be clearly advising the other parent that she can't guarantee no nuts. That being said, her (horrible) house, her (horrible) rules. I would stay out of it but it's sweet your DD is trying to be a good friend. Any other parents feel as you do? You could all politely decline the invite and take the little girl and your DCs out instead?

Charlie97 · 04/12/2016 06:05

To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men

^^
This

The mother should be ashamed! Excluding one child due to a nut allergy.....if it's not because of a nut allergy, then don't say it is! Have the balls to give an honest reason! Not blame something the child can't help.

Also, she'll be putting this nasty idea into other parents minds.

HaveNoSocks · 04/12/2016 07:15

I think it's outrageous to have a whole class party and exclude just one or a few children. If the child has an allergy/special need that you were concerned about being able to cope with, invite the parent to come too but to just exclude them is horrible.

I think people can be far too precious about their DC's birthdays being "perfect". Of course it's special and you want them to have a nice time but not at the expense of being a decent person.

GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 04/12/2016 07:41

If it is a whole class party and one child is excluded then you need to talk to the class teacher.

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 07:48

GoodyGoodyGumdrops: What would expect the teacher to do? It's not the teacher's job to manage the social lives of the children she/he teaches.

BabyGanoush · 04/12/2016 07:52

Where is the party?

I'd struggle to get my house free of traces of nuts, and I'd worry all night about things like almond oil in the handsoap and other things I might not have thought about.

It's a huge responsibility

mishmash1979 · 04/12/2016 08:01

My heart breaks for that child and mother as I am also a mother of a child with life threatening allergies. Till you walk a day in my shoes...........

Silverdream · 04/12/2016 08:03

Many years ago I had a vegetarian, a nut allergy , dairy allergy and a child with E number intolerance. I couldn't leave any of the children out. It worked out well in the end. Made them pic nic bags

It's cruel to leave a child out. I'd arrange a special outing with your friends d.

airforsharon · 04/12/2016 08:09

My first thought was - is the child's allergy the real reason she's not been invited? Or is there another reason you're maybe not aware of - bullying for example?

If it's the former then obviously it's unkind but you can't force the mother to include a child she doesn't want to. It's her home and her child's party. As someone said up thread, this is how women end up exchanging death stares for the next 60 years. You might vehemently disagree with her stance, but you can't force her into doing what you think is right. Don't make a massive thing of it or your dd's friend will end up feeling even worse.

DinosaursRoar · 04/12/2016 08:11

So this is a year 1 party, did something happen last year at reception?

GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 04/12/2016 08:18

At this age many schools have an issue with whole class parties that exclude one or two children. At our infant school teachers will help distribute invitations only for parties which either include the whole class or less than 2/3 of the class. They will use circle time and assembly time to talk about inclusivity and kindness, if such a party occurs. They will investigate to see if there are social problems behind the child's exclusion.

cansu · 04/12/2016 08:19

The mothers attitude is v poor and you would be right to make a point of not going. I wish more people were similarly concerned when kids with special needs are excluded.

NoSunNoMoon · 04/12/2016 08:28

They will use circle time and assembly time to talk about inclusivity and kindness, if such a party occurs.

They need to mind their own business.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 04/12/2016 08:30

If there was a limited number of invitees, and they had already had acceptances from all/enough, then they might not be able to accommodate another invitee (plus carer, in this case)

How well does non-invited DC get on with party DC?

Also, in the longer term, thing about whether your DC and non-invited DC are too closely joined at the hip. Because there will be all sorts of times when one gets asked to do something and the other doesn't. And your aim might usefully be to promote sufficient independence that the prospect of one being invited and the other not, or one getting a part in a play and the other not, one making a team (etc, the list goes on and on) does not provoke distress.

After all, next party it might be your DC who isn't invited, but other girl is. What happens then?

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 04/12/2016 08:45

Sorry, I managed to miss you post at 22.54 last night.

Ignore the above!

My DD has once been the only one omitted from a class party. I only found out it was happening because one of thr other mothers offered her a lift back and I had to explain NFI.

It does happen, for no known reason. The allergy might be a 'reason' not a reason IYSWIM

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 08:46

GoodyGoodyGumdrops: Teachers shouldn't be distributing invitations at all. Shocking waste of their time. They shouldn't be dealing with issues caused by parents between children. It is not the little girl who excluding anyone Confused

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