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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No invite for allergic child

145 replies

NamechangeforDN · 03/12/2016 21:26

Name changed as this will out me!!

Not sure what to do about this...

My dd (6) has been invited to a birthday party, which she is very excited about, however...

Dd's best friend has a severe nut allergy, and the mother of the child who's birthday it is has said that she will not have the best friend at the party as she cannot garuntee there will be no traces of nuts in any of the food.

Understandably best friends mother is very upset and she does not no what to say. She has offered to provide a packed lunch for her dd and attend to take responsibility for her and make sure she doesn't eat any other foods, but has been told we are sorry but no!!

Should I say something or butt out?? Feel so awful for the kid (and the mother). I think it is really mean to single out a 6 year old like that!

OP posts:

user1470997562 · 07/12/2016 10:56

I can understand the worry. But I'd just ask the mum to come and supervise if there's a hoard of dc. Ask her how we can make it work. That's all that's needed.

But some people are mean. They only think of themselves. And you have to get your dc used to that I think. You can't be invited to everything is what I say to mine. Make light of it and they will too.

Saltedcaramel2016 · 07/12/2016 14:39

Maybe she hadn't planned on inviting her anyway so was using it as an excuse which has now backfired.

mamabeak · 07/12/2016 14:45

After P3 my son was not invited to birthday parties or any (local) parties bar one family, and few really after P1. Also other than one or two families people would not come to his parties.

Hard to watch your child mistreated and excluded because they have an Additional Need (allergy, or in our case Autism/ADHD).

Lala9 · 07/12/2016 15:12

Why do people always take the "don't get involved" attitude? As the saying goes: 'If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality'. I think you can say something in a polite, non-offensive manner. You might be surprised at the response, or educate a very uneducated adult who can, potentially, be bullying a child based on a physical impairment.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 07/12/2016 15:19

I would be worried sick about inviting a severely allergic child TBH. I use a lot of nuts and unless I steam clean the whole house I won't be able to guarantee there won't be any dropped nuts lurking here and there.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2016 15:23

Then you discuss that with the child's mother and if they are happy and are willing to be present, then it's unfair to exclude.

Wordsmith · 07/12/2016 15:29

What a shame. My DS2 is coeliac and he just took a packed lunch to all the parties he went to - even his own !

I understand a nut allergy is a lot more problematic than coeliac disease in terms of the effect contamination can have, but surely if the child's mum has promised to take responsibility then that's OK?

One thing I found is that many people simply don't understand allergies and intolerances and are a bit scared of making a mistake, so err on the side of caution. So perhaps that's the reason and someone with a bit more knowledge could have a word?

Luluandizzy · 07/12/2016 15:30

What a horrible, cruel this women who is planning the party is! I feel so sorry for the little girl and her mum! I would stick with your daughters best friend and her mum on this one. If possible, even plan a nice day out for them both to go too on the day of the party, but I understand that might not be easy. It's a horrible reason for a six year old to be so dreadfully left out.

jennymac · 07/12/2016 15:30

I think it is awful but then my ds does have a nut allergy so I am possibly biased. However, he is not extremely allergic - I think he is a level 3 - but we still have an epipen for him and we inform all parents before the party that he can't eat anything with nuts or cooked in groundnut oil.

Wordsmith · 07/12/2016 15:32

And can I just say as the parent of a child with an allergy, how much I appreciated any efforts other parents went to in order to provide food my DS could eat at parties. I certainly didn't expect special treatment though and was perfectly happy to provide his own food, but being able to have a bit of cake and some treats like all the other kids really made it so great for him.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 07/12/2016 15:43

If the party hosting mother has good reason for not inviting the allergic child (let's imagine, for the sake of argument, that their house is next to a nut packaging factory and she's had children go into anaphylactic shock at every party she's ever held for her older children, so she isn't prepared to take the risk any more), then she shouldn't hold a whole class party .

Excluding just one child out of a class is rude and cruel, and it's perfectly possible to explain that to your own child -- "We can't invite Susie because of the Nuts'R'Us factory next door, and we can't invite everyone except Susie because that would be very unkind, so let's come up with a list of the ten people you'd most like to invite out of your class." Job done.

happychristmasbum · 07/12/2016 15:57

I think it's really cunty to invite the whole class and exclude one child like this.

manhowdy · 07/12/2016 16:15

Why do people always take the "don't get involved" attitude? As the saying goes: 'If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.

This with bells on.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/12/2016 16:32

Off topic, but I remember inviting a little boy to my sons party. I had NO idea he was allergic to nuts! His mother never said a word, just threw a bag at me, on her way back out for the door and said "his epipen is in there"!!!
I didn't even know WHAT he was allergic to, or how to use an epipen! He was 5
Fortunately, one of the other mums DID know about his allergies.

Robin2008 · 07/12/2016 16:33

OP, well done for helping your daughter stand up for what's right. I have NO WORDS for what the mother of the birthday child is doing. I just can't understand it. But what I understand even less are all the people who advise you to stay out of it. How can you stay neutral in a situation like this? What kind of friend would you be if you said 'oh so sorry about that, I really sympathise, but we are going to the party anyway'?? If you let your DD stick with her best friend, both girls will learn the true meaning of friendship. (Oh and I'm the mother of an 8 year old who is allergic to several nuts. We've known since she was 1. She has been to countless birthday parties and never, ever have we been excluded like you daughter's friend. If anything, I've felt that some parents were a little too relaxed about it. But most have bent over backwards to accomodate the allergy. SO IT CAN BE DONE!!!)

MsJamieFraser · 07/12/2016 16:50

This is quite common, sadly ds7 hasn't had an invite for about a year now... even tho F\B show full class parties.

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 07/12/2016 16:55

My DD was left out of a whole-class one once as the family didn't consider us Welsh enough. The mother was loudly explaining this at the school gates to a friend of mine, not realising I was behind her. Friend of mine states 'oh that is a shame, especially as arrggh's family have lived here for the last 500 years' (family member big into genealogical research, got that far so far). Cue an oh, well and invite for DD next day. Who then took great pleasure in turning it down.

We never left anyone out - I used to put a discreet note on the first couple or the first time we invited anyone to check for issues but other than that, doesn't matter to me. Have had DD's friends stay that are epileptic and with allergies and its just a case of talking with the parents.

I personally would ask the hostess if there was anything I could do to help facilitate the excluded child to attend but this isn't for everyone.

Your DD sounds very caring, OP.

lola111 · 07/12/2016 17:13

His mum is saying it is because of his nut allergy, but you don't actually know why he wasn't invited.Maybe the birthday boy doesn't like him;

Bloodybridget · 07/12/2016 17:18

Unless the child with the allergy lives in a bubble, she will often be in environments where there are traces of nuts. If her mother is willing to provide food and supervise her, it's unreasonable to refuse her an invitation.

Dontjudgeme1 · 07/12/2016 18:01

Hi, This is my first time here! I felt like crying while reading this post. I have 2 children with Allergies, so l can sympathise with OP. I agree with a lot of the people on here, who say that the mother of the party child is BU. Your D's best friend sounds like a lovely girl and l am glad that she has a good friend like her in her life.

FromIbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 07/12/2016 18:09

I can't believe someone could be so cruel as to not invite a child because of their allergy! Is there more to it perhaps?

DD has friend with a severe nut allergy. When they were really young the mum would stay at the party but as they got older the girl would just take her own food along. When she came to DDs party her mum provides an epipen and explained how to use it (the girl could administer it herself but just in case).

Lndnmummy · 07/12/2016 18:20

This is horrible. My son has a severe nut allergy and I always go with him to parties. We bring food if needed. I always state on the rsvp about his status and the parents always phone to check what he can and can not have.
Similay he has several friends with allergies as well as other dietery requirements (halal/vegetarian/fussy eaters) we always just work around it and if I really cant then ask the parents to help with ideas or bring something. This has only happend once and it was a little girl who was vegan/gluten/dairy free. I didnt have a clue what to serve her so her mum brought her food. I then put it on the same plate as all the other kids and spruced it up with berries, grapes etc so the little girl would not feel left out.
Where there is a will there is a way

Ibelieve123 · 07/12/2016 18:23

That's so sad.
When I have done whole class parties in past I've had mums who's children have allergies who have asked what food will be there & bought their own safe versions
& with sweet cones just had a special one made.
I can understand the nervousness of hosts but it could be worked around

belgina · 07/12/2016 20:23

My dd2 has a peanut allergy (fine with other nuts). She has never been excluded from parties and it really isn't much effort to cater for her. She's not so allergic that we can't have her near peanuts, she knows what peanuts look like & would just avoid them. You really don't have to completely sterilise a house before she comes along. No one ever made a big deal about it either.

Craigie · 08/12/2016 18:09

I would NEVER exclude a child because of an allergy particularly if the child's parent is happy to "supervise" them. It's just so dickish. Kids with severe allergies feel like they're the odd one out all the time anyway.

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