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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No invite for allergic child

145 replies

NamechangeforDN · 03/12/2016 21:26

Name changed as this will out me!!

Not sure what to do about this...

My dd (6) has been invited to a birthday party, which she is very excited about, however...

Dd's best friend has a severe nut allergy, and the mother of the child who's birthday it is has said that she will not have the best friend at the party as she cannot garuntee there will be no traces of nuts in any of the food.

Understandably best friends mother is very upset and she does not no what to say. She has offered to provide a packed lunch for her dd and attend to take responsibility for her and make sure she doesn't eat any other foods, but has been told we are sorry but no!!

Should I say something or butt out?? Feel so awful for the kid (and the mother). I think it is really mean to single out a 6 year old like that!

OP posts:

mumindoghouse · 08/12/2016 18:13

Excluding one child only is not on. Can't think of anything meaner. Good on you OP for not taking part in such unkindness

Carriecakes80 · 08/12/2016 18:18

With all four of my kids, if I had a party for them, the whole class was invited, nothing special, the old fashioned games and such, few sarnies, and the like, and if any child had an allergy, the parents would bring the childs food for them so they didn't feel left out. I remember even at my five year old sons birthday, there were two with their own lunches, and neither of them even so much as sniffed at the cakes and sarnies, they knew what they were allowed to have and what not to even go near. I think its cruel not to invite a child simply because they have allergies. And if they have a severe allergy, and have an epi-pen or what-not, invite the kids mum to stay too so that someone is there to help if something happens. Would love this other Mum to know how it feels to be singled out.

bimbobaggins · 08/12/2016 18:24

You do seem overly involved in this and suggest you keep out. There will be multitudes of class parties over the years , some where the other girl might be invited and your dd not and they need to realise that they won't always be invited to the same thing.

Sparklyglitter · 08/12/2016 18:26

Unless it would upset your child I agree take both girls out and do something really special! That mum is just plain mean I wouldn't want my child to be at a party she was running as wouldn't trust her to be kind to my child if they had a problem!

Hoolie45 · 08/12/2016 18:27

What a bitch

Flowersarefun39 · 08/12/2016 18:28

My now grown up daughter had a severe but allergy and she had been taught from a very young age not to take food at parties etc .She always attended with a pack
Lunch or parents invited me to check all the ingredients on empty boxes etc .I think it is actually a very poor cop out and perhaps would
Say something diplomatically along the lines of how would she feel
If her child was excluded.

HoridHenryrules · 08/12/2016 18:31

A severe but allergy that is a new one on me. Sorry I cant help myself.

SallyGinnamon · 08/12/2016 18:32

Really mean. The whole class bar one!

I'm not the nicest person around but even I wouldn't do that. I've managed to source similar gluten free or egg/dairy free foods for my DC's friends at their parties. Just double checked with the parents first. There must be something more to it.

MarklahMarklah · 08/12/2016 18:32

I think it's unfair. I hosted a party for DD's classmates last year. Three are allergic to nuts, one is allergic to dairy, one is allergic to strawberries.
I managed to feed them all without any issues and without any contamination risks. It takes a little more effort to find foods that are suitable but it's not that difficult.

callmeadoctor · 08/12/2016 18:51

Just adding a thought that the OP may not have all the facts here. Who has actually told OP these details? (chinese whispers and all that!) How do we know all the kids in invited really? Maybe the children can't stand each other. Maybe the allergic childs mum declined invite because of allergies?

Notmuchtosay1 · 08/12/2016 19:15

Yes I'd say the same as others. I'd be nervous myself of inviting someone with a severe allergy. But as the mother has offered to go along as well and provide food then I can't see the problem.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 08/12/2016 19:18

callmeadoctor OP says she has been talking with the mum of the allergic child.

Shona52 · 08/12/2016 19:25

If the mother was prepared to come and supervise her child at the party surely that's enough to let he go. Seems unreasonable to me - yes it's scared to include her but as the responsibility with be on her mum not sure what's the problem

callmeadoctor · 08/12/2016 20:38

Say the Op says that the mother of the allergic child has been told directly to her face that her child is the only child in the class not invited because child is allergic? I think that she has possibly misunderstood or it was an excuse because birthday child doesn't like hers. Either way, it has not happened directly to OP so there may be stuff that she has not been told or is unaware of.

callmeadoctor · 08/12/2016 20:39

Lots of people have a habit of telling tales from "their point of view". There are always 2 sides!

MindTheDrawings · 08/12/2016 21:55

Ds recently had a whole class party and one of the dc had quite a few strong food allergies. His dm told me on acceptance of invite. We worked through it, everything was fine and the most important part, all the dc had a brilliant time.

I wouldn't have dreamed of saying, nope, not going to deal with that! Takes some heartless person to do that.

OP, this must be hard for you and difficult knowing how to explain it to your dd. Hope something gets sorted.

psicat · 08/12/2016 23:12

It's possible there may be more to this and personally I wouldn't go wading in as you don't have both sides of the story. As it's a whole class bar one invited it does seem a bit shitty though .

My little boy has a severe nut allergy, epipen the lot. I'm horrified by the thought of parents dumping their child on unsuspecting host and bunging the epipen at them! Equally I'm really saddened by the comments of people saying they also wouldn't invite due to the fear. He has an allergy, not rabies - please talk to me about it, express your fears and I can explain how actually its easily managed. I provide food to go with him, I will stay with him and will do at whatever age as required. Although he has a severe allergy we want him to have a normal life - we go to restaurants, play areas, all the normal things. There are risks but what's the alternative?

If someone really did live next to a Nuts R Us factory (thanks for that TragicallyUnbeyachted! Made me almost snort tea out my nose!) and had a river of peanuts flowing in the garden yes it would be different but that doesn't actually exist.

I've been really lucky so far, everyone has always made such an effort to include and bought special food just for him - it's not always right (often buying gluten free for some reason!) but I am so so grateful for them thinking of him that I really don't mind - I just quietly check the packaging ;)
He can't have birthday cake as it's almost impossible to find shop bought birthday cakes that are nut free - of any decent size anyway - so I just make him a little one of his own to have at the same time. I'm getting pretty good at homemade fondant now!
Its also made me very accommodating to others. vegetarian? No problem. No pork? Easy. Extremely special diet due to severe physical disability? What can and can't I provide?

If you really feel you have to say something to the mum then how about mentioning you may not be able to make it as she wants to be with her friend. Don't be accusatory, just ask kindly - shame she couldn't come and why?
I appreciate the comments that at some point they won't be able to go to the same parties - but they're six, they shouldn't have to be at that point yet

rockcake · 08/12/2016 23:29

Bit late to this thread, sorry, but as the mother of a severely allergic child, I'd like to say when my dd was at school I was a lot less bothered by not being invited than I would have been if she'd been put in a situation where her life was at risk for whatever reason....eating something by mistake, being given wrong food in error or just reacting to a tiny particle of nut on something/someone. She was only left out a couple of times anyway and was equally sanguine about it. No one has to spring clean their home or start a war about these issues, especially for a short one-off event like a b'day party. Just calm down and eat a cupcake fgs (or not)

MeandT · 09/12/2016 00:00

It's possible at party parent has got an axe to grind with no nuts family. Because the schools say no nuts in packed lunches, it may be the chance to stick one back at the kid that prevents her precious DC from having their favourite PB&J/Nutella sandwiches every day. Sad but entirely possible. Hope they have a nice time elsewhere!

brianna5 · 19/12/2016 11:02

It's just cruel leaving out a child ESP if the parent has offered to go.
At 6 even if both kids don't get along they can be spoken to together before party starts about been nice and fair.
I would make a comment and if I was the parent of the invited child when we have our own party invite the child who didn't invite mine and make sure I put a note in the invite in line of. I can't imagine leaving out her child as a mother I'm leading my child by example.
I have to say it's really parents that have issues not d kids. What are we truly teaching our kids.
Smh

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