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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm married to a hero, apparently

143 replies

Ineedaheronoidont · 05/09/2016 11:52

Dh took the dog for a walk yesterday afternoon. He also took 2 dc in their double buggy. This prompted a woman to stop him in the street and call him 'heroic' and that most men 'these days' wouldn't do it.

AIBU to think that actually, a lot of young fathers 'these days' do a lot more then the fathers of yesteryear? I see so many dads pushing their dc around, with no mum to be seen. Also, AIBU to think I wouldn't be thought of as heroic for the same actions?

AIBU to have told dh he's no hero, she was just a bit silly?

OP posts:

RunningLulu · 05/09/2016 11:54

You're right. Horrific double standard for male and female parents.

Dbsparkles · 05/09/2016 11:57

My mum always tells me how lucky I am that DH looks after all the children and 'lets' me go out alone. Does my head right in.

onedogatoddlerandababy · 05/09/2016 11:58

Yup. I had a go at someone recently for saying that exdp is a great dad because he plays with his kids

What about ensuring they're fed, have clean clothes, clean loos to sit on, clean sheets, making any necessary doc/dentist appts etc etc etc.

Fucking double standard.

Isn't the saying something like 'it takes very little to be a great dad, and very little to be thought of as a 'bad' mum'

nightandthelight · 05/09/2016 11:58

Did she also mention how he was 'babysitting' his own children?

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 05/09/2016 12:01

That's bizarre!

My dad talks about wheeling my brother around in the pram in the early 70s and frequently getting comments along the line of 'my husband would never do that'.

But in 2016?

Northernlurker · 05/09/2016 12:01

Oh this drives me crazy. I know some people (more than one!) who describe their time in role charge of their offspring as 'daddy day care' . Makes me want to throw up!

NowSissyThatWalk · 05/09/2016 12:03

Ugh, I hate this and YANBU OP. Whenever a man says he's babysitting I always make a point of saying 'Oh, you were looking after your friends kids were you?' with a face.

See also: Step mums. They are mean, taking dad away from kids, wicked step mother stereotypes.
Step dads - Heroes, taking on children that aren't theirs and stepping up to the plate.

Tiggeryoubastard · 05/09/2016 12:04

Yep. Exh used to get that too. Ironically he has been officially recognised for bravery career wise, but never for managing to take out three small children on his own, apart from by certain stupid women.

tiredandhungryalways · 05/09/2016 12:05

Yes this annoys me. My husband was being told by doctors receptionists how great he is for taking 1 year old for vaccinations. And same as dbsparkles

nightandthelight · 05/09/2016 12:06

There is an older man I bump into on the street a bit and everytime he goes on and on about how he wife had twins when their 1st was 10 months and he never once got up in the night to help. He is clearly proud of this fact. Everytime he tells me I just think 'you little shit'

nightandthelight · 05/09/2016 12:07

Sorry that wasn't really relevant, just needed to vent

Tiggeryoubastard · 05/09/2016 12:08

I'd have to say 'oh your poor wife, I'm so glad real men aren't like that'.

toomuchtooold · 05/09/2016 12:12

Night next time you see him tell him there's a mum of twins on Mumsnet says he's an arsehole.

DailyMailEthicalFail · 05/09/2016 12:13

Yes, I think I'd reply: 'I bet you are ashamed now, aren't you?'

How could ANY parent leave the other parent to manage 3 under 1's?

horrible horrible man

nightandthelight · 05/09/2016 12:14

Such a massive arsehole too!

KayTee87 · 05/09/2016 12:17

Total double standards. We were out with our 5 week old baby on Saturday and my husband was away changing his nappy. I bumped into someone I knew and she asked where the baby was, I said getting his nappy changed. She asked if I had a 'helper', I said my husband and she said 'oh good for you' in a really surprised tone as if she'd never heard of a father changing a nappy

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/09/2016 12:19

This drives me crazy.

My mum thinks dh is a hero for having to set the table and occupy the kids while I'm dishing up dinner, "poor dh" - misses the fact he walks in to a hot plate of food five minutes after coming in the door, and that he might actually want to say hello to his children!

Agree most dads I see are very involved in school, and with toddlers. An acquaintance of mine though, who is generally very involved with his kids surprised me the other day, when he said he sometimes did a nursery drop off to help his wife out. They both work full time This kind of thinking is insidious.

KayTee87 · 05/09/2016 12:30

'Help out'

Because it's only the woman's child isn't it. Things like that make me glad my husband is who he is.

TiggyD · 05/09/2016 12:38

I get praise every now and then for being a man in a nursery. A bit cringy. It's happening less than it did 20 years ago.

KeyserSophie · 05/09/2016 12:46

It seems to really vary. In our immediate social circle, you're as likely to see the kids out at the weekend with just their dad as just their mum, but I do know a few dads who do sweet FA and their partners seem to accept it as the norm. I would not stay with someone like that. I mean, where's the upside?

GwendolynPost · 05/09/2016 12:46

When I worked evenings I was always getting asked who was looking after the kids. When I'd say my husband, their father I'd get the old "aren't you lucky, isn't he good".
I was cleaning fucking toilets in McDonald's because we were skint and nobody was asking him who babysat when he was at work!

MIL is terrible for telling me what a hero DH is for being, you know, actually a father to his own bloody kids.

Although I did work with a girl who had to leave by a certain time to put her kids to bed as her boyfriend refused to do it

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 05/09/2016 12:48

I opened the thread thinking he'd put his own life at risk recuing someone from a burning building or from underneath a car or something

For a few years DH was the only man at school pick up because he went to work earlier and I dropped them off, then he'd collect while I was at work. I don't think anyone ever said anything about it and that was in the nineties.

I agree with the sentiments on this thread but you know, far too often we read posts where the man, usually the man anyway, does nothing towards his own care let alone that of his family. I suppose it's part personality and part how you're prepared to live your lives.

Madeupforthis · 05/09/2016 12:50

I hate all this woman's work/man's work black and white thinking... I do all the DIY. Does this make me DP's "hero"???

flowery · 05/09/2016 12:51

DH used to get this. When DS1 was a baby we had a routine of going into Cambridge for the morning and me getting my haircut whilst he pootled round with the baby in the pram. He'd meet me afterwards with tales of the various plaudits he'd received, mainly from middle-aged women, for how great a dad he was. This happened regularly whenever he was out with kids when they were younger, or with baby + dog.

Irritated me no end. Luckily he also thought it was outrageous rather than thinking it was his due.

c3pu · 05/09/2016 12:52

I'm a dad with 50/50 shared care of my kids.

The amount of people who seem to think I'm something exceptional is absolutely staggering.

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