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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm married to a hero, apparently

143 replies

Ineedaheronoidont · 05/09/2016 11:52

Dh took the dog for a walk yesterday afternoon. He also took 2 dc in their double buggy. This prompted a woman to stop him in the street and call him 'heroic' and that most men 'these days' wouldn't do it. Confused

AIBU to think that actually, a lot of young fathers 'these days' do a lot more then the fathers of yesteryear? I see so many dads pushing their dc around, with no mum to be seen. Also, AIBU to think I wouldn't be thought of as heroic for the same actions?

AIBU to have told dh he's no hero, she was just a bit silly?

OP posts:
flowery · 05/09/2016 12:54

To be fair, there are actually loads of dads round here who do school runs, *(and DH isn't often one of them due to his work).

I think it's more when the DC are babies that fathers are considered heroic for involvement.

Cocklodger · 05/09/2016 12:56

YANBU. but I think this applies in other domestic things, too.
When dh took a pay cut and job change (which has now worked out far better than intended but at the time was hard) I had to work 3 jobs.
45 hours a week in one. 1hr commute each way
21 hours a week in another plus a 6 hour contract with lots of overtime available. Both of these jobs had a 45 min commute each way (opposite directions) If I got a call (from my 6hr job) no matter what I was doing i'd go in as we NEEDED the money.
Dh worked 40-50hrs in one job, with a half hour commute each way.
But he was the saint for doing most of the domestic work, what a good man/husband he is.... Bearing in mind he only worked maximum 4 days a week. 3 15hr shifts in a row and he was done. He'd have a day to rest, a day to spotlessly clean the house and then two days to do whatever he liked. If he got offered an extra day he'd have 1 day to rest, 1 day to clean and 1 day to do what he liked.
Erm yes, such a saint.
now I'm not denying that he worked fucking hard. But I was an evil monster for making him go in to work full time AND do most of the housework....

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/09/2016 12:58

I hate this SO much. I've now taken to saying:

"Yes he is marvellous isn't he! I wish I was a dad. I'd be a bloody AWESOME dad. Yes I'd love to be a dad. Much better then being a crap mum.".

They often look baffled so then I explain at length how being a stereotypical dad would have suited me so much better than the loss of career, pay, sense of self and personal space being a mum has given me. How much more wonderful I would be as a parent if only I could do it part time and with admiration for doing the basics.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/09/2016 13:03

My exH used to have to take our five kids to his mum's or to a friend's when he had sole charge, because 'he couldn't be expected to manage all five on his own'.

Me? Oh, nobody cared that I had all five on my own 24 bloody 7, because I was a woman. It's what we're for, apparently.

Grrr. Still fuming.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 05/09/2016 13:04

My mum thinks my DH is great because he cooks and plays with the kids. I tell her I do that and more....but somehow 'that's different!!' Hmm

My sister was shocked when I told her one day that DH was at home ironing his shirts...she asked how could I leave him doing the ironing??AngryAngry

I'm amazed I became a feminist, growing up in that family!!!!

BadTasteFlump · 05/09/2016 13:09

I am so glad I found this thread. My DM drives me nuts with this sort of drivel - if I ever mention something he's done at the weekend - gardening, cleaning the car, wiping his arse, anything, she always says "Ah poor MrFlump, he's been at work all week"

SO HAVE I!!!!!

LunaJuna · 05/09/2016 13:10

Another example of judgmental, sexist and double standards society... And it saddens me that it mostly comes from women Sad

goddessoftheharvest · 05/09/2016 13:11

My cousin, a young woman under the age of 30, was gobsmacked, and I mean gobsmacked, at my DH making her a cup of tea and hanging out the washing the last time she called round.

She commented on it repeatedly the whole visit, told me I was spoilt/she was envious etc etc

She works longer hours than her DH and they have two small children. I always thought he was quite a decent bloke, but they both take it for granted that house work is woman's work and a wife should wait on her husband.

You should have seen her face when DH strutted out with that basket of washing. You'd have thought he was hanging it up with his knob.

I take it for granted that most blokes these days are willing to do basic household chores, or at least pay lip service to the idea, then something happens to remind me that, actually, we have a long way to go yet

WaitrosePigeon · 05/09/2016 13:12

That's bizarre and cringey.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/09/2016 13:14

If I ever go away without the kids I am often asked who has got the kids. I always say "their other parent!" Their father doesn't ever get asked of course

KatharinaRosalie · 05/09/2016 13:18

I regularly walk 2 small kids and 2 dogs (and work full time) nbut nobody has ever said I'm a hero. They've said, on the other hand, that isn't it sad I'm missing so much of my DC's childhood, being a working mother and all.. Hmm

Oddly, it seems to be fine for DH to miss all that.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/09/2016 13:19

I often get stopped and told similar by old ladies when walking home from school with my 3 and childminding kids. It's just chit chat! Might be the only conversation they get that day.

goddessoftheharvest · 05/09/2016 13:20

Oh and that's another thing- partners of SAHMS (and it is usually SAHMS) have it bloody easy imo. DH was unexpectedly off for two weeks last year, and I have never felt so unstressed in my life. He works really long shifts, so I'm the one that does most of the school runs and I'm home before him so I'll do dinner etc most of the time too.

For two weeks I got up, had a leisurely shower, didn't concern myself with getting DD ready, swanned out the door. No pressure getting home from work to pick DD up, no rushing to the shops en route, no fucking about with uniform or permission slips, no "can you leave her to scouts and I'll do X and then if you do Y I can do Z". I came home to a clean house and a hot dinner. Lovely.

PonkAlert · 05/09/2016 13:22

DH took toddler DD to Newquay recently to visit family. On the way back he asked where the baby change facilities were in the airport. An airport worker had to escort him into the female toilets as that was the location of the only baby change. Evidently the concept of a father changing a baby is unheard of in Newquay!

OiWithThePoodlesAlready · 05/09/2016 13:28

I've had similar said to me when I've been out with my two and the dog. If only they knew the dogs top speed is 2 mph so actually it's a doddle Grin

I'm sure it gets said 100 times more to men than women though.

Once when I was at work a guy came into the shop with a newborn strapped to his chest. My boss was absaloutly horrified that the baby wasn't with its mother. She was genuinely concerned for the child.

JudyCoolibar · 05/09/2016 13:29

I remember when DS was in hospital at age 3 and DH was with him whilst I went home to catch up on some sleep/get clean clothes etc. The nurses couldn't do enough for him, plying him with tea, washing his shirt when DS puked up a tiny bit on it, etc etc. When I was there they simply told me where the kettle was and left me to it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2016 13:31

goddess. Thanks for the sahm bashing. Exactly this sort of attitude that feeds the "ooooh isn't he wonderful" brigade because a father engages with his children.

nursepearl · 05/09/2016 13:33

Weirdly this always seems to come from other women the whole 'hero' thing, YANBU he is only doing what every dad should be doing.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/09/2016 13:33

I think you may have misread goddess' post Mummyoflittledragon.

HazelBite · 05/09/2016 13:36

Ds1 is 35. When he was about 4-5 months old we went on holiday touring in Europe in a motor caravan. When we were walking out and about it was easier to has DS in a sling which DH used to wear as it gave me backache. We thought nothing of it, but DH was an object of complete wonder/horror/amusement to the Germans, Italians, French, Belgians ,( but not the Dutch?)
We found it very funny!

goddessoftheharvest · 05/09/2016 13:37

Yes mummyofalittledragon you just completely, completely misread my post. Go back again and read it slooowly.

SvalbardianPenguin · 05/09/2016 13:38

YANBU.
I hate it when people say I'm lucky because DH does the ironing for me or whatever. He's not doing it for me - I'm not the only one responsible for the housework.

The other day DS said he'd done the washing up for me; no, he'd done it for the family.

It makes me mad.

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 05/09/2016 13:42

Let's give this batshit woman the benefit of the doubt...

OP, did your husband at least put his hero cape on before he left the house?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2016 13:43

Ooh Blush apologies.

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/09/2016 13:43

DH has always just got on with stuff around the house; I generally do more of the stereotypical 'male' jobs around the place; changing car tyres and oil, fixing stuff, decorating and plastering when we renovate. Nobody comments on my heroism for those jobs, but when he clears the table after supper his Mum looks astounded and tells me "you're so lucky". I am, absolutely. But so is he.

It's insane, the subconscious thought that a man taking care of his family in the exact way a woman might could be considered anything but ordinary. I'm damned if I'm raising my DCs to feel that way.