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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm married to a hero, apparently

143 replies

Ineedaheronoidont · 05/09/2016 11:52

Dh took the dog for a walk yesterday afternoon. He also took 2 dc in their double buggy. This prompted a woman to stop him in the street and call him 'heroic' and that most men 'these days' wouldn't do it. Confused

AIBU to think that actually, a lot of young fathers 'these days' do a lot more then the fathers of yesteryear? I see so many dads pushing their dc around, with no mum to be seen. Also, AIBU to think I wouldn't be thought of as heroic for the same actions?

AIBU to have told dh he's no hero, she was just a bit silly?

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 06/09/2016 13:28

It strikes me that some of these heroes need to don their capes and demand changing facilities in a mens or unisex loo and playpens available in changing rooms. Its a bit odd, men in general don't shrink from asking for what they need.

sealsandbeachballs · 06/09/2016 13:32

This babysitting the kids for a few hours while I do X and Y does my head in. Surely it isn't babysitting but pareting equally.

sealsandbeachballs · 06/09/2016 13:32

*parenting

OohMavis · 06/09/2016 13:35

My DH must have a RBF (resting bastard face) or something, because he's always out and about alone with the kids, taking them to appointments, softplay, doing the school runs etc and he NEVER gets comments like these.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 06/09/2016 13:41

Annoys me and hubby too. He's always been very involved in our 3 kids lives. If I'm honest, he's probably changed more nappies than me and he worked full time! When our last was born I saw hubby placing the Moses basket on his side of the bed. I asked him why he was doing that as I was BFing and he said, "Well it'll be easier for you to get yourself ready and comfy first and I can pass him to you"

Even knowing he was a devoted daddy I was still a little surprised. He works 7 shifts in 14 days so he attends as many school runs, swimming lessons etc as I do.

Ratonastick · 06/09/2016 13:47

It does take the piss. When xH made some flip comment at a do about babysitting DS the woman he was speaking gave him an absolute deadeye and made a comment about how could he babysit his own child. Cue a few cats bums from the rest of the group. I, on the other hand, could have kissed her.

WaitingForEgg · 06/09/2016 13:56

When DD was a week old DH took her to hospital to have her (missed in hospital) tongue tie snipped. I was sick as a dog with gastroenteritis, and didn't think the midwives would appreciate my germs. The staff couldn't believe that DH had DD with him alone, and had to call me for permission to snip. Fathers consent apparently wasn't enough. They seriously made me feel like a neglectful mother.
My brother recently described looking after his young baby as "daddy daycare" I soon snapped back that it is known as "parenting"

alexandragimenez · 06/09/2016 13:58

You're right

mrschiefy · 06/09/2016 15:45

I often worked on Saturdays when mine were little (now 7 and 9) and my dh used to get praised for taking them to birthday parties .... his thought was free entertainment and food ... but I was amazed when people told me how good he was taking them .... part of the parenting job!

squizita · 06/09/2016 18:17

Yep drives me mad.

  1. More men do help
  2. So they should
  3. Some men my husband start to believe the hype and become smug/martyr ish if this happens too often.
squizita · 06/09/2016 18:22

...also even on MN I've heard people say in seriousness "all my husband picks up after work is his knife and fork. I'm great as a wife/mum blah blah..." Well unless you have staff or he works 24-7 even with a SAHP the other should contribute their fair share.

Enabling your husband to be a man baby and showing your children you are/should be "proud" to do so is NOTHING to be proud of. When they complain their future spouse is a lazy arse and they don't know why that happens ... our parents influence our relationships.

ohtheholidays · 06/09/2016 18:45

I've never understood other people thinking that way,the same with you saying that about fathers of yesteryear,that's a sweeping statement as well!

My Mum was really ill after she had me and my Dad took care of my Mum,me,my two teenage brothers and his parents(they were alot older when they had my Dad and they were quite ill by the time I was born)and he still had to go to work.

I can remember people telling me when I was older how my poor Dad lost a couple of stone within the first couple of months after I was born because of all the running around he was doing.

My second oldest brother was the same,they had 7 children,they're two youngest children(twin boys)were very ill from when they were born and are disabled.He fought for years to get all the help he could for his boys,he worked full time but he'd go home and help my SIL clean the house,he'd cook and look after his DC and help with homework.
He used to take me on days out and spoil me from when I was tiny right upto when I was an older teen.

I can remember my Mum telling me how hands on her Father was, my Grandfather,they had alot of children and my Nan and my Grandad adored children and he was very hands on.He was a carpenter and a very hard worker but he never let my nan lift a finger for a good few works after each one of they're children were born apart from to let her breastfeed the baby.

My paternal Grandfather was the same and he'd had a really hard upbringing himself and had served in the army and in both world wars but he'd do anything for my Nan and his children and he was an amazing grandad.

One of my uncles(my Mum's brother)had 6 children and my poor auntie became very ill,he worked full time,was a carer for my Auntie(and still is now and he's 80 now)and helped with everything for the children,cooked,did all the cleaning and gardening and yet he was always there for me and my brothers and for my Mum and Dad as well,me,my DH and our 5DC are all incredibly close to him still.

Another one of my Uncles(my Dad's BIL)is the same,he's very ill now but he's always been an amazing husband to my Auntie(my Dad's sister)and amazing Dad to his 3 children and an amazing Grandad and he's been an amazing uncle to me and he's a brilliant great uncle to our 5DC.

I did study sociology a while ago and alot of that covered familys now and from years ago and there was actually alot of older ladies 70 years+ that had stated just how much they're husbands had helped out at home and with the child rearing whilst holding down full time jobs.

squizita · 06/09/2016 18:47

Finola YY mum being 'perfect' is the accepted default so you get BLAME if you don't adhere impossibly (eg WOHM = money hungry bitch but SAHM = doormat. Give them over pizza = neglectful but cook from scratch = insufferable lentil weaver etc).
Men the default is nothing so ANY THING (even half arsed efforts) are lavished with praise.
Angry
And yes I am angry and bitter and in don't have a problem with that. Why shouldn't I be as it's such an unfair situation.

Delta1411 · 06/09/2016 18:49

My husband had a woman stop him and say how amazing he had been with our three under 5 in Costco.

I was like.....that's nice. Do you know how many times people have told me that when I've been out with them by myself? None.

Yeah I know my husband is great, but I'm good too!!!!

Blerg · 06/09/2016 19:04

It's so prevalent and shocking an attitude isn't it?!

My MIL did everything, FIL didn't do any child rearing or housework. So each time I see MIL I get a little chat about how amazing he is 🙄 And he is but he still needs reminding and being taught how to do everything.

I go out and about to local town in the day time when DH is around to get a break from kids (7 months and 3 years). If I see any mums I know they are always shocked and a bit envious. We're only talking an hour or so!

wiccamum · 06/09/2016 19:17

I get this all the time from DM and DMIL. It's just become white noise to me now..." Oh look at him, such a wonderful dad".." Oh Wicca, you really are so lucky, don't you just thank your lucky stars you have him?". Meanwhile, I don't think Dh gets told how lucky HE is!
Maybe next time my MIL "reminds" me of all my joy, I should let her know about the insane amount of blowjobs Dh gets..."yes DMIL, I'm a complete slut and I do his washing...he really has landed on his feet with me" 😆

Givemestrengthorwine · 06/09/2016 21:39

I dont drive but work fulltime in a school. Dh works shifts in a supermarket so he has always had to swop shifts and work around things like xmas plays, easter bonnet parades, class assemblies etc and take photos for me to see. Also alot of the time he takes me to work and then drops the kids off, he often picks them up too. He really is 'dads taxi' but they're his kids, i launder everyones uniforms, clothes, sheets, towels, swim/gym/cheerleading kits and keep the house clean. I order shopping online and he picks it up. We share cooking and kids have a few chores. Neither of us are heros, we're just two people who love our kids and our lives and jointly do our best! After all, that is what being a parent is all about - putting the little people and their needs first whether you are 'mom' or 'dad'!

KatieScarlett · 06/09/2016 21:45

MIL hit me once with the "you are so lucky my precious son does the dishes, etc"
I told her no luck was involved in choosing not to shackle myself to a twat.

Eminybob · 06/09/2016 21:54

Yep it drives me nuts. DH often gets called a great dad because he changes nappies and "babysits" his own DS. He is a great dad, these being the least of the reasons though.

It just absolutely worries me that the reason I get these comments from my friends is because thier own husbands are such useless twats that's they don't lift a finger and deem this stuff to be woman's work. And even more so that these women let them get away with it. In 2016!

Ineedaheronoidont · 06/09/2016 22:04

Errol, I like this.....maybe a mumsnet campaign to get changing facilities in men's loos?!

OP posts:
WankingMonkey · 06/09/2016 23:02

DH gets endless praise when he takes the kids out. Meanwhile people often look down their noses at me when I do and ask 'how I manage' and stuff Hmm

xinchao · 06/09/2016 23:30

My standard response to comments about how 'amazing' and 'hands on' DH is with our son..'it is the minimum I expect from the father of a child'. Usually accompanied with an ice cold stare. Seems to shut people up.

HelenaDove · 07/09/2016 01:05

Its not just with parenthood. When my uncle had a stroke which badly affected his brain........my aunt (DMs sister) became his full time carer. Because she had a care agency going in 4 times a day my mum used to say "shes not doing it all herself the agency is helping"

After a while my aunt got ill as well and my male cousin (hes their only child) now cares for both of them.

Agency still comes in 4 times a day but now DM says "oh god its such a struggle for Cousin to be doing it all."

It is bloody hard for him but it was for my aunt as well.

HelenaDove · 07/09/2016 01:20

maybe a mumsnet campaign to get changing facilities in men's loos?

Funny how F4J arent campaigning for things like this Hmm

captainproton · 07/09/2016 01:53

Oh god this reminds me of baby's paediatric consultant who came to see us on ward rounds. He asked me where baby was, and I replied "having her nappy changed," he asked me why daddy was doing it. It took all my inner strength not to tell him that having a penis doesn't prevent a man from changing nappies. I just said,"because he's her parent," apparently I had trained him well. I told him DH had trained me because he was already a parent before our first was born.

I have to grin and bear this man for the sake of my daughter. But you would think a paediatric consultant would come across more than their fair share of hands on dads? And if it was a joke I didn't find it funny having been in hospital on my own with a poorly baby since the wee small hours. That nappy change was the first break I had.

Apparently I had a face like thunder when DH returned.