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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm married to a hero, apparently

143 replies

Ineedaheronoidont · 05/09/2016 11:52

Dh took the dog for a walk yesterday afternoon. He also took 2 dc in their double buggy. This prompted a woman to stop him in the street and call him 'heroic' and that most men 'these days' wouldn't do it. Confused

AIBU to think that actually, a lot of young fathers 'these days' do a lot more then the fathers of yesteryear? I see so many dads pushing their dc around, with no mum to be seen. Also, AIBU to think I wouldn't be thought of as heroic for the same actions?

AIBU to have told dh he's no hero, she was just a bit silly?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedaheronoidont · 05/09/2016 13:51

No, no cape. He is a massive geek though, and I think he was feeling rather inflated (some comments about batman) until I brought him back down to earth Smile HTH Grin

OP posts:
CrazyCavalierLady · 05/09/2016 13:52

I also married a hero according to my dad. My long suffering DH not only took on a 23 yr old non-virgin but her bastard spawn as well. My dad actually thanked him for taking us on as he was so worried no one ever would Confused.

It was the 1990s not the 1950s and DH got a good deal, I came with my own home Grin

SandyY2K · 05/09/2016 13:53

You have to laugh at the double standard though. I can imagine my DH coming home to tell me such a story.

I used to get it when he was teaching the DCs to ride bikes and go out riding once they'd learnt. The school mums would say "I saw your DH out with the DCs, he's so good with them, your so lucky etc"

I said yes indeed ... he loves doing the fun stuff with them and I thought to myself if he didn't do that he wouldn't be doing much else with them.

After all I did the bathing, cooking, help with homework, after school clubs washing, ironing ....... you get the drift.
So it's the least he could do way back when they were younger.

Thank God those days are over. My DCs are teenagers now.

cookiecooks · 05/09/2016 13:55

Some men still do act like its the 1950s though, even the young ones.

My husband wouldn't take dd out, let alone two kids and a dog and if he does he brings her back if she cries.

He would moan like hell if i asked him to change a nappy when we are out too. He moans when I go out for an evening as he has to look after her.

Sadly, not all men are great dads, so from my point of view, I would say you are 'lucky' too compared to my situation.

user1471855186 · 05/09/2016 13:56

You ladies should read "Man Who Has It All" page on Facebook. It's brilliant.

Caipora · 05/09/2016 14:06

I think it boils down to the man, not the generation.

I have a colleague who asked me who looks after my children when I go out to play football in the evening. When I pointed out that I'm not a single mother, they asked if he coped with all of them, how he managed to do dinner and baths and everything, that he must be exhausted when I got home. I did try to point out that DH does not have a physical disability and is actually an adult!

DH had to go out one night and get a dummy for our dummyhead. He met a man in the pharmacy who told him that he remembers doing the exact same thing in 1960. He used to get up in the night if his children woke up, one night he couldn't find the dummy to soothe the baby back to sleep and had to go out, carrying the baby and buy one. The man is 90.

I wonder if he got a medal Grin

MrsRyanGosling15 · 05/09/2016 14:08

Cookie do you really think you should be accepting that? Both as a parent and a husband? What will that teach your children, that it's all women's work? I'm sorry you don't have that basic level of support with the dc

Frusso · 05/09/2016 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DailyMailPenisPieces · 05/09/2016 14:16

Ha - I thought you were going to link to a newspaper article of your DH saving several hundred lives, not taking his own children and own dog out for a walk Grin

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 05/09/2016 14:19

Whoooo it sounds as if we are similar. I do the plumbing and minor electrical work here, fix the vehicles, woodworking... however, I also cook and clean, care for the kids, do laundry and so on.

Not sure what DH does Wink Grin

Good thing I love him.

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 05/09/2016 14:20

NowSissyThatWalk

Ugh, I hate this and YANBU OP. Whenever a man says he's babysitting I always make a point of saying 'Oh, you were looking after your friends kids were you?' with a hmm face.

See also: Step mums. They are mean, taking dad away from kids, wicked step mother stereotypes.
Step dads - Heroes, taking on children that aren't theirs and stepping up to the plate.

nightandthelight

There is an older man I bump into on the street a bit and everytime he goes on and on about how he wife had twins when their 1st was 10 months and he never once got up in the night to help. He is clearly proud of this fact. Everytime he tells me I just think 'you little shit'

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 05/09/2016 14:20

Oh crap. Sorry. Hit post before I'd typed my replies Grin

Finola1step · 05/09/2016 14:22

I get a form of this on a fairly regular basis. DH and I are both freelancers and we are lucky to fit work around the dc. So I do all the morning stuff, school drop offs etc. DH does the pick ups, after school stuff etc. We share the evenings. I do the lion's share of the housework as my workload is considerably less than his.

I get regular comments from other women about how amazing DH is and how lucky I am. Yes, DH is a fab Dad, the best.

But I'm a bloody good mum too. No one ever, ever comments about that.

TiggyD · 05/09/2016 14:28

This is why we need to increase the number of men in childcare. To demonstrate to the next generation that men looking after children is normal.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/09/2016 14:28

When I used to take the dc out in a double buggy, people used to tell me I was doing a great job etc.

There can be double standards but I do find mothers get lots of support too.

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 05/09/2016 14:28

NowSissyThatWalk

See also: Step mums. They are mean, taking dad away from kids, wicked step mother stereotypes.
Step dads - Heroes, taking on children that aren't theirs and stepping up to the plate.

I'd like to add to this
Single mums - feckless/loose women who can't keep a man Hmm
Single dads - amazing hero types who are simply fantastic for stepping up when the nasty bad women walked away.

nightandthelight

There is an older man I bump into on the street a bit and everytime he goes on and on about how he wife had twins when their 1st was 10 months and he never once got up in the night to help. He is clearly proud of this fact. Everytime he tells me I just think 'you little shit'

My dad told me once that when my brothers or I woke in the night as babies he used to prod my mum and say "the baby's awake" his logic was that as she was breastfeeding he couldn't do anything. I told him he was a bit of a dick and he could have got up and tried to soothe us/bought us to my mum as she was probably exhausted. He accepted that was probably the case and said he'd never thought of it like that.

BabyGanoush · 05/09/2016 14:28

cool OP! My husband....is married to a hero!

100milesanhour · 05/09/2016 14:33

I remember when I had my son, people would ask how my husband was with him and if he helped out. I always thought that was oddly worded but it seems to be quite common that people see dad as a babysitter than equal parent.

BigChocFrenzy · 05/09/2016 14:40

Strange that these attitudes linger.
Late 1950s - early 1960s, my dad did most of the cooking, also shared hairwashing / bathing me, childcare etc when he wasn't on duty (he was in the military)

NavyandWhite · 05/09/2016 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soubriquet · 06/09/2016 10:59

It doesn't help that in public, men are set up to fail.

No changing facilities in a men's toilet.
Our local swimming pool has a plastic pen and a changing table in the womens. Not the men's.

Means I have to take my youngest with me because I can plonk him in the pen whilst I get changed

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 06/09/2016 11:13

Oooh this makes my blood boil.

PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse · 06/09/2016 11:24

My dad had comments in the seventies, because it was unusual.

DH got a few comments during a brief spell as SAHD in the early 2000's as that was unusual: not for taking kids out or doing nappies though.

Now when I take the youngest DS to school a lot of the drop off parents seem to be dads or SAHDs- and nobody comments as it's not unusual.

Some older people will see it, be reminded of being left entirely alone to cope with kids or the reverse, feeling as if they didn't get a look in- but it's rare to get a comment now.

SlimCheesy2 · 06/09/2016 11:25

I have had this from my own DParents also. They have a habit of commenting ; 'It's good you have got alot of help with [DH] '. Um- yes, well, he is the father!

It's odd though because my Dfather was very hands on because my mother did night shifts. He often commented how annoyed it made him when people felt sorry for him because he 'couldn't go out' at the weekends because Dmum was working.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 06/09/2016 11:25

My dh does all the doctor runs/HV visits with the DC as he drives and I don't and its far easier for him to take one and leave other three with me than us all go. One HV thought he was amazing for taking the newborn for checks, another one assumed I was locked in the house being abused and did a home visit to check I was okay.... all because DH took his own child for their jabs! Mental!