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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm married to a hero, apparently

143 replies

Ineedaheronoidont · 05/09/2016 11:52

Dh took the dog for a walk yesterday afternoon. He also took 2 dc in their double buggy. This prompted a woman to stop him in the street and call him 'heroic' and that most men 'these days' wouldn't do it.

AIBU to think that actually, a lot of young fathers 'these days' do a lot more then the fathers of yesteryear? I see so many dads pushing their dc around, with no mum to be seen. Also, AIBU to think I wouldn't be thought of as heroic for the same actions?

AIBU to have told dh he's no hero, she was just a bit silly?

OP posts:

SlimCheesy2 · 06/09/2016 11:29

Soubriquet I agree with you 100% about public changing spaces. My DH has a standing Tuesday night supper out date with DS while I work, and before he could use an adult toilet the lack of changing facilities were a big issue.

SlimCheesy2 · 06/09/2016 11:31

Baby when DH took a baby Ds for a set of jabs he was asked with some suspicion (he felt) 'where's mum?' by the nurse. His reply was 'In Brussels for work'. But he was actually very upset about it, because he felt the tone was accusatory, or judgemental.

LaContessaDiPlump · 06/09/2016 11:31

DH told me something a bit sad this morning.

Apparently he's been over-egging it slightly at the office ('My hard-working wife has swanned off to a conference for 3 days leaving me to get both DC school-ready' sort of thing) and was slightly when his PA commented that he's the only dad she knows who says he's 'looking after the kids' rather than 'babysitting'.

He says she's our age (so not a generational issue) and seemed strangely accepting of this attitude in dads in general

I shall tell him he's a hero!!

Soubriquet · 06/09/2016 11:34

SlimCheesy my Dh had when he took ds to his 12 month review!

The health visitor actually said we prefer to do this with mum and when Dh retorted he was ds's dad and had every right to be there instead she was very frosty and sharp with her responses

Wingdingingit · 06/09/2016 11:35

Whenever I go on a proper night out minus OH My mum always says 'oh poor OH'
I make sure I do not hold back each time....yet still she says this every time.
I go out like this about 4 times a year.

It's perfectly ok for me to spend the best part of a Saturday away from OH and DS to go shopping with her for the 100th pair of new black trousers she needs and then half the next day travelling to do her makeup for lunch date she has.

ninjapants · 06/09/2016 11:40

I think it's just one of those accepted double standards.
DH's friend visited recently with his baby DS, mid nappy change he said to DH 'I bet this is the closest you've ever got to nappy changing !' I had to correct him as DH changed plenty of nappies when DS was younger, he had to if I was at work and he was at home. It was an odd thing for one hands on father to say to another, can you imagine two mums talking like that?!

DollyPS · 06/09/2016 11:44

I get this from MIL all the time as I don't cook hubby does he does it every day unless I decide to do it a Wee bit earlier as we both work full time and he likes to do the cooking so I leave him to.
She always says I have a good un There eh and I never told him that was his job it's yours and aren't you lazy. Cheeky bitch. Also the nights out and I get ooh is that allowed by her too.

Mermaid36 · 06/09/2016 11:56

We went food shopping with our tiny twins who are on oxygen over the weekend. DH pushed the huge pram and I had the trolley, so I didn't have to tell him/point out what I wanted.

He got so much attention for pushing the pram (more attention than the actual twins)...I was pretty much invisible with my huge trolley of shopping!

KatharinaRosalie · 06/09/2016 11:58

DH has had from various people regarding DC: 'So, Dad, please tell mum that...'
Like he's just a messenger who needs to tell me how DC should take medicine or what they need to bring somewhere..

Tessabelle74 · 06/09/2016 12:05

I'm so lucky to be married to a "hero" then! personally I reckon the majority of dad's these days are hands on dad's, my dad is and I'm 42!

MunchCrunch01 · 06/09/2016 12:09

otoh, i have a dog and 2 dc, and i do think i'm a hero if i have to take all 3 out together. My FIL did absolutely nothing and my DH is jealous of how 'easy' men of that generation had it. She recommended getting up in the middle of the night to do ironing as her top tip for fitting it all in.

amammabear · 06/09/2016 12:15

ugh... I needed this thread.

My husband decided he'd had enough of marriage a few weeks ago, but while he's trying to find a place to live, he's still visiting our house at weekends to see them, but God forbid I ask him to actually DO anything to look after them. He failed at getting littlest's hair cut, so I had to do this instead with him kicking off because daddy didn't make him. He also failed to give him a bath- walking out of the room and abandoning him there so I had to take over. He isn't getting their breakfast, changing nappies, making them brush the teeth.... So even though I'm disabled, I have to do it all.

I just want to yell at him- who does he think is going to do all this when he's got them for entire weekends ON HIS OWN?!

AvengeTheDoc · 06/09/2016 12:17

It's silly your right that it wouldn't have been said if it were you, no idea why random people have to comment TBH. It's also the same double standard with working nothing is generally said to the dad for working but if a mum goes to work she's brilliant and brave etc and gets plaudits. Again not sure why people have to comment

KatharinaRosalie · 06/09/2016 12:21

Munch recommend her to follow ManWhoHasItAll

KatharinaRosalie · 06/09/2016 12:23

if a mum goes to work she's brilliant and brave etc Really? I don't think I've ever heard that. All I get is comments in the style if why did I even have kids if I just palm them out for strangers to raise. DH, interestingly, has never been asked that. Or who is looking after his children when he works.

StarsandSparkles · 06/09/2016 12:25

Im a single parent and i have a dog when im out with both (99% of the time) i get oh i dont know how you manage on your own it must be so hard or is your man at home why isnt he helping No man just me. Im far from a hero its called everyday life

Birdsgottafly · 06/09/2016 12:25

My Eldest and her DP (both 31), are still unsure about having children, but her DP, loves any excuse to play/interact with them.

He regularly takes out my GD (from my middle DD) and his bio Nieces. He was referred to as 'strange' because he's happy to change their Nappies and will have them all day, which may include him needing to bath, or take them swimming.

What shocked me was that this was said by a Woman in her 20's.

My DD was prepared to end her relationship, if her Partner didn't do his share of housework and child rearing, she had more Woman than Men tell her that she was being ridiculous and "that's how Men are".

MunchCrunch01 · 06/09/2016 12:28

love it! With advice like that...

KP86 · 06/09/2016 12:31

Ponk, we've just come back from a two week trip across parts of Europe, and most places only had change tables in the ladies' loos. Ridiculous and it make me feel rather cranky.

kaffkooks · 06/09/2016 12:46

This sort of attitude annoys me too. DH and I went clothes shopping with 3 year old DS and 2 month old baby as I needed some non maternity trousers and I hate internet shopping! I walked round the shop with the boys while he picked up a few things in the sale then he walked round with them while I went to try some clothes on. He thought it was really funny that lots of women stopped him to ask "where's Mum?" or "Oh isn't that lovely of you to look after them." No one had said anything to me when I was walking round the shop with them!

I don't mind people saying that I am lucky to have him as my husband because I am. There are lots of women who are married to men who don't do anything. I object to people calling him a hero for doing something I don't get the same recognition for!

Gallievans · 06/09/2016 12:51

I too am married to a hero then! He has helped with DD since the day she as born - jabs, hospital, dentist you name it and he's done it. Regularly got her up, dressed etc & left me for a lie in when she was younger. Has done all the ironing since we moved in together and will cook / do the washing if need be. The only thing he never does is hoover, dust or tidy round - I joke that he just doesn't see it. But then I'm quite happy to do that so it usually works out as equal. DFIL and DF on the other hand have only just started doing things to help.

He did get comments when DD was younger (& recently!) but she askeds the person saying it why it merited the comment (feisty 15 yr old). she doesn't take after me at all, oh no! and whether they would say the same to mum

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 06/09/2016 12:54

A friend of DMIL once told me I didn't know how lucky I was when DH sat next to DD at lunch time. She was about 18 months/2 at the time. I was sitting in between our DSs but because she was the baby and therefore might need help he was doing something amazing
I was a SAHM so ate with her most days.

Poseyrose11 · 06/09/2016 12:56

This reminds me of my mother in law. Her husband did absolutely nothing with her children when they were younger, so anything her son does with our baby makes him the most hands on dad she has ever come across. He is a lovely dad but it should be a given that he changes nappies or gets up in the night as I do, not a rarity!

I had a difficult birth with our son and ended up with a forceps delivery and had to be readmitted to hospital for anti biotics after I got an infection. I felt absolutely terrible and was sat on the sofa cuddling the baby when he walked past to hang some washing out, she turned to me and said 'you are so lucky to have him helping you out'!! Never mind he's hanging out his own laundry!

ayeokthen · 06/09/2016 12:59

DP gets so pissed off when people comment that he's a "hands on Dad" or ask if he's babysitting the kids. They're his kids, you can't babysit your own fucking kids! As for the hands on dad thing, it irritates him because to him it's not special, it's just what Dads should do. I know that among my friends I am ridiculously lucky to have such a supportive partner who works so hard and also is very involved with the kids when he's at home. But you're right, it's a real problem in society.

rosesarered9 · 06/09/2016 13:03

DF was shocked at how many fathers there were pushing buggies when we all went to Sweden. Not a mother in sight.

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