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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'make' DH stay at a job he hates?

132 replies

Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:10

DH has been at his job for a few years now and is utterly fed up of it, the hours are long and the company used to be quite good to work for but not so much anymore. There are no other roles he could go for within the company.

He has therefore started looking at other jobs, the problem is he doesn't really know what he wants to do and has basically no qualifications and very little previous experience apart from the role he is currently in and he doesn't want the same role at a different company. He is currently paid quite well considering he is basically unskilled.

He has mentioned a couple of jobs which would be a massive step down in salary for him; we have just brought our first home and whilst we aren't struggling we were hoping to start overpaying on our mortgage to enable us to reduce the term, at the current rate we won't be finished paying it until we are nearly 70 Shock

He knows I'm not keen on him taking a job that would mean less money but at the same time he is truly miserable where he is; would I be unreasonable to put a limit on the amount we can afford him to lose?

OP posts:
MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 01/09/2016 23:12

can you up your own hours? doesn't seem fair that you impose this on him tbh

GenerationX2 · 01/09/2016 23:13

I understand your motivation OP and I too would be worried, however it is so demoralizing going to a job you hate every day, it will eat away at him and he will end up resenting you.

eightbluebirds · 01/09/2016 23:13

Yes Yabu life is too short to spend more time in a job he is hating. Just have a chat about what you can afford. What are you contributing?

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 01/09/2016 23:16

You would BU to impose a limit or make him so anything given he's an adult and presumably equal partner in your relationship - how about you actually talk to each other about your priorities and budget and agree some parameters together Hmm.

swisschocolate · 01/09/2016 23:17

Age 30 I took a 50% pay cut (after a year of no pay to retrain).

20ish years later I earn many times the original salary and in the top 5% of people in the UK

Sometimes you have to go down to go up

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:17

Mumontherun I can't unfortunately as I'm a teacher, I did look into picking up a play scheme job in the summer holidays but for what it's paid it'd barely scratch the surface.

Generation I know and that's what I'm worried about, I just don't know what else to do, he also wants us to start a family and I just don't see how we'd afford it in the long run with childcare costs.

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 01/09/2016 23:17

There is nothing worse to be in a job you hate. If he took a lesser paid job could you make it? Yes you might be paying on your mortgage until 70 but isn't that what you signed up for when you took the loan?

If the difference was massive and you couldn't make it then I think you'd have to gave the discussion of where the money is going to come from. But if you can make it, and he'd be happier, then I think you've got to accept that.

MoonlightandMusic · 01/09/2016 23:18

Yes, you would I'm afraid - from the sounds of it though it's not the job, so much as the company he doesn't like. It really is hell on earth being in that situation.

Would he earn the same money doing the same thing elsewhere?

If yes, then, maybe he should look to do that, not to stop a career change, but just to reduce the stress while he's working out what he'd actually like and to plan best timing to do it.

Also, between now and his job/career switch, maybe look at how much less he might be on and essentially immediately change your lifestyle to split the difference in today's/tomorrow's income on overpaying and building up some savings until that point arrives.

rollonthesummer · 01/09/2016 23:20

What sort of jobs/salaries/cuts is he talking about? What do you earn in contrast?

5Foot5 · 01/09/2016 23:20

I think you should try to look at the long term. The jobs he has mentioned might be a step down in salary for now but could they possibly end up paying just as well.

Or is there any possibility he could retrain?

Would you be able to manage on just your salary for a bit if he did?

MsJuniper · 01/09/2016 23:20

I don't think YABU and it sounds like he is not engaging with the conversation or taking responsibility. Perhaps hating the job has worn him down a bit but if you've just bought your first home then he needs to take that seriously. Sit down and get him to work out how your budget would be managed if he took a cut - and if the lower paid jobs might offer some future progression, or if he needs to develop his skills.

It could be worth taking a hit now so he can work on building his skills and confidence to be in a better position in the future, and long as you're both working on the same understanding with the same end in mind, not both making assumptions.

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:22

eightbluebirds I contribute financially more than him which doesn't bother me at all, what worries me is that I can't work overtime to make up any lost salary

mrsmalcolm We definitely do need a discussion around it, he can be quite melodramatic though and assumes I'm going to leave him if he can't 'provide' for us, I'm not expecting to be provided for but it was also him who was mostly worrying about overpaying on the mortgage. I will definitely bring it up at some point though in a let's discuss our budget type way

swisschocolate I would absolutely love for him to retrain in something but his self esteem is quite low and he's convinced he'd fail any new qualifications he might need.

OP posts:
TheDMIsWrittenByCuntsForCunts · 01/09/2016 23:23

Yes ywbu.

I'm the one in our partnership who hates their job and DP is v. supportive of me actively looking at doing something that makes me happier (with the caveat that I don't jump my work ship until i have something else in place first).

If he made me feel I had to stay I think I'd be miserable and it wouldn't be good for our relationship.

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:26

He's on around £20,000 and I am on £20,448 (both after tax) he's looking at jobs which would mean around a £5000 drop.

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 01/09/2016 23:28

I wouldn't have a clue what my annual salary was after tax?!

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:31

I just multiplied my monthly pay by 12?

OP posts:
Cocklodger · 01/09/2016 23:34

Yes YABU. as long as you can survive if he takes a paycut thats fine.
DH was where your DH is. I supported him and cut back to account for the 25,000PA loss we sustained. we were left on 20k a year joint income after tax. He found an entry level job (As a chef) and 12 years on owns his own catering franchise.

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:34

Thanks all, I did have a feeling I might be BU, it's just rather frustrating when it feels like DH isn't doing much to help himself, he has disliked his job for around a year now and has applied for 2 new ones in that time: I'd love to be supportive of whatever he decides to do but he has never really decided what he wants to do since leaving college 8 years a go!

OP posts:
Nzou1050 · 01/09/2016 23:34

Do you work full time? How far into your career are you? Presumably you are going to be going up the payscale or are you already on the upper payscale? Sorry can't work out what your pre tax wage would be.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 01/09/2016 23:34

Why do you contribute more financially when you basically make the same amount of money?

dalmatianmad · 01/09/2016 23:36

Money isn't everything! Far better to have a good quality of life than be stuck in a Job you hate!

Letseatgrandma · 01/09/2016 23:41

Fair enough- giving an after tax annual salary is just an unusual way to describe your income!

celeste83 · 01/09/2016 23:43

probably not a good time to be jacking in a decent job with the uncertainty in the job market at the moment.

BeautifulMaudOHara · 01/09/2016 23:44

I don't think you're unreasonable - he needs to make a plan before he costs your family £5k a year, absolutely.

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:45

Yep full time and am on M4, going onto M5 (£30,128 pre-tax) this year hopefully, no opportunities to take on TLR at my school currently although I am looking for vacancies closer to home so I can reduce my fuel costs.

I don't contribute an awful lot more Vodka, I put in about £50 per month more to cover bills and pay for our life cover thingy as I put in the wrong details when we set it up (my acct instead of joint one) and just haven't changed it.

I know that definitely dalmatianmad and I'm not worried about not being able to afford luxuries, just the mortgage and bills!

OP posts: