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AIBU?

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Original poster

To 'make' DH stay at a job he hates?

132 replies

Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:10

DH has been at his job for a few years now and is utterly fed up of it, the hours are long and the company used to be quite good to work for but not so much anymore. There are no other roles he could go for within the company.

He has therefore started looking at other jobs, the problem is he doesn't really know what he wants to do and has basically no qualifications and very little previous experience apart from the role he is currently in and he doesn't want the same role at a different company. He is currently paid quite well considering he is basically unskilled.

He has mentioned a couple of jobs which would be a massive step down in salary for him; we have just brought our first home and whilst we aren't struggling we were hoping to start overpaying on our mortgage to enable us to reduce the term, at the current rate we won't be finished paying it until we are nearly 70 Shock

He knows I'm not keen on him taking a job that would mean less money but at the same time he is truly miserable where he is; would I be unreasonable to put a limit on the amount we can afford him to lose?

OP posts:
RunningLulu · 01/09/2016 23:46

Is he actually unskilled though? Contrary to popular belief experience often weighs more than qualifications after the 5 year mark. I'm living proof of that.

I have no degree, stayed in retail because I knew nothing else, as husband despaired of my lack of qualifications and routinely told me to stop looking for jobs 'above my pay grade'.

When I stopped listening to him I applied for (and got) a programme management job that doubled my salary and transformed our lives. I'm now work in the city, and am a Risk Manager for an infamous tech company. Still don't have any qualifications. So maybe try and encourage him - you never no!

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:47

I see what you mean Letseatgrandma, only did it that way because I only know DHs after tax pay off the top of my head as he's not actually salaried so have to multiply his average monthly wages by 12!

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Original poster
Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:49

That's brilliant RunningLulu, I have encouraged him to apply for jobs he has no qualifications/experience in and one of the ones he applied for was just that but as he didn't get it it really knocked his confidence I think.

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/09/2016 23:51

Is it possible your salary will go up? I thought generally, teachers could hope for that.

Also: when did you do your training? I think that if you met him after you'd trained, your stance is more acceptable than if you met him during that period. After all, if you have been training during your time together, it is obvious that he should be able to take his turn.

It does seem to me rather unfair that, while you are doing a job you obviously enjoy, he should be stuck with one he hates. Surely, he could train for some things in night school, or while earning some wage?

serin · 01/09/2016 23:51

YABU, If he isn't happy then he needs to rectify that, Sod the mortgage.

Sorry OP but if DH was so unsupportive of me I would leave him.

tava63 · 01/09/2016 23:52

There are some things here that are niggling me. I think you are right to be concerned about this as he has never really decided what he wants to do since leaving college 8 years ago. This level of procrastination about his career is concerning - he needs to put together a sensible career plan before leaving his job. He also shows procrastination in only applying for two jobs in the year since he decided he needed to leave - so again he needs to develop a plan and then when he has done this work hard and keep focused on turning this plan into reality.

Separately leaving a job (even one you hate) without having a job to go to is usually likely to lead to reducing your chances of getting through a selection process. One of the first thing any HR person does when looking at a CV is look for gaps.

Out of curiosity you said he didn't have any qualifications - did he leave college without any qualifications?

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:56

LDR we've been together since high school so yes he was with me when I was training, as I was with him when he did a couple of college courses which in the end he decided not to pursue. As I have said I would absolutely support him in re-training and have suggested he does that but he doesn't know what he wants to do so is looking into jobs which need no qualifications. My salary goes up yearly but I'm very nearly at the top of my pay scale without taking on extra responsibilities which aren't available at my school currently.

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/09/2016 00:00

mist - that's not what I was getting at (sorry for not being clear).

What I'm getting at is the same as tava. Is he actually motivated, independently? Or (at the other extreme), did he financially or emotionally support you when you got your qualifications?

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 02/09/2016 00:00

tava he has one college qualification in a hands-on type skill (trying not to say too much as to out myself) but to properly go into that career he needed a job to properly qualify and at the time of completing he said that companies were only taking on people who were already fully qualified, at the time we were both quite young and still living at home with out parents so I'm not sure how actively he pursued that. He would probably struggle if he tried to get back into that now as it's been so long.

He definitely wouldn't leave the job he's in now without having something else to go to so I'm not worried about that.

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Original poster
Mistoffelees · 02/09/2016 00:02

He definitely supported me emotionally, financially wasn't needed so much as we were both living at home with our parents.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/09/2016 00:05

In that case, I think you should absolutely support him emotionally, and encourage him.

But it would be unfair for him to expect you to support him financially, without the two of you being very clear where it will lead, and you will finance yourselves meanwhile.

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 02/09/2016 00:05

serin it's not always as simple as 'sod the mortgage' though is it, we have no savings as have just used them all to put the deposit on our house so currently have nothing to fall back on.

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Original poster
Mistoffelees · 02/09/2016 00:08

I don't think he's expecting anything to be fair, just doesn't want to be in his job anymore, if he could make a bloody decision for once in his life find something he was really passionate about I'd support him even it meant we had to survive on half of what he's on currently

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Nzou1050 · 02/09/2016 00:08

Can you not get onto the upper payscale? That should get you up to nearly £37000 eventually. I'm on U3 and don't have any additional responsibilities although I think I went through before performance related pay so not sure if that's had an effect or maybe it's now defined by individual schools. I have noticed a lot of jobs are now just advertised as mainscale.

To answer your op I think it would be unreasonable. I'm considering leaving teaching because I really don't enjoy it and I don't think it's something you can do if your heart isn't in it. I'm hoping to retrain in something else so we will go without my salary for a few years. Luckily my husband is supportive. He was long term unemployed previously and the feeling I had of being trapped in a job I didn't want to do was really hard.

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 02/09/2016 00:09

Hmmm, seems I have unresolved feelings I didn't know about! Calming thoughts, everything will be fine Smile

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/09/2016 00:10

Well, but, realistically, if he is a functioning adult, he surely does understand that if he quits his job, he is expecting something from you.

Original poster
Mistoffelees · 02/09/2016 00:11

Nzou I think I will be in the same position as you in a few years, all of the joy is slowly being sucked out of teaching but I'm hoping it'll come back round! I'd forgotten about the upper pay scale, not sure how you go about getting onto that?

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Original poster
Mistoffelees · 02/09/2016 00:14

LRD I'm not sure he's thought it through that far...I think in his mind he's stuck at his job forever because there's no chance of him getting anything else anywhere, as I said he is prone to being melodramatic!

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blitheringbuzzards1234 · 02/09/2016 00:20

It's soul destroying to go to work every day at a job you hate. Is it possible to compromise in some way? Money is important to pay for the essentials but it's not everything. Don't make him put up with utter misery - for his self esteem, health and happiness it's not worth it.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/09/2016 00:37

What about home tutoring children you can charge up to £30 an hour depending on where you are. You dictate what hours and evenings you can teach.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/09/2016 00:39

Has he thought about skilling himself up in something. Is he good with his hands and can he drive?

Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/09/2016 00:49

He can't just up and leave his job he has to have a plan. Its not easy living on little money each money you get into the trap of working to pay you're bills. You have to live on the bread line money will be a contentious issue. Been there done that wore the T-shirt if you can help it tell him to get a plan sorted out where he can skill up and earn more money.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2016 01:39

Can he work towards a new job while still in his current role? It very much depends on what he wants to do, which is part of the problem. He doesn't know. Once he knows what he wants to do, it's a case of looking at how thst can be achieved.

I don't thing it's to say what the lowest figure you can manage on is, because if it causes a great amount of financial strain, then problems will present themselves in your marriage

heron98 · 02/09/2016 05:01

If you're a teacher can't you get another job in the summer holidays?

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 02/09/2016 05:20

What about moving areas to get a cheaper house/mortgage.