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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'make' DH stay at a job he hates?

132 replies

Mistoffelees · 01/09/2016 23:10

DH has been at his job for a few years now and is utterly fed up of it, the hours are long and the company used to be quite good to work for but not so much anymore. There are no other roles he could go for within the company.

He has therefore started looking at other jobs, the problem is he doesn't really know what he wants to do and has basically no qualifications and very little previous experience apart from the role he is currently in and he doesn't want the same role at a different company. He is currently paid quite well considering he is basically unskilled.

He has mentioned a couple of jobs which would be a massive step down in salary for him; we have just brought our first home and whilst we aren't struggling we were hoping to start overpaying on our mortgage to enable us to reduce the term, at the current rate we won't be finished paying it until we are nearly 70 Shock

He knows I'm not keen on him taking a job that would mean less money but at the same time he is truly miserable where he is; would I be unreasonable to put a limit on the amount we can afford him to lose?

OP posts:
Mistigri · 02/09/2016 06:26

If he carries on working in a job he hates, he may end up unable to work. The subtext of some of what you have written is that he's at risk of developing mental health problems - he has poor self-esteem, he's prone to over-reaction, he is "truly miserable". Working in a job you hate for an employer who doesn't value you is soul-destroying and bad for your health.

trinity0097 · 02/09/2016 06:35

What sort of teacher are you? The going rate for Maths tutors around us is up to £50 per hour!

I always say to teachers that before quitting teaching do try your job in a different school - perhaps he could try the same job in a different company. If he used to like it there's no reason why a fresh challenge in a new place might not do the job?

AnotherOneBitesTheDust9 · 02/09/2016 06:39

YANBU. A house is a big commitment and this is something he could have been looking to change then. I think it's fine to do the maths and work out what is too little to get by on.

AnotherOneBitesTheDust9 · 02/09/2016 06:41

For whoever said move house, the OP is likely to be in a fixed deal at least for a couple of years (ours is 5) and if you sell within the first couple of years you basically lose a chunk of your deposit because with fees you make absolutely nothing back. Moving wouldn't help right now I don't think.

It's different if you are very comfortable and can afford to take the hr of a salary deduction but it doesn't sound like you are (we aren't).

HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2016 06:42

This isn't the right time to be trying to overpay the mortgage. You've only just bought your first house, you're thinking about starting a family. You're trying to run before you can walk. Plenty of time to think about paying off the mortgage early when you're in your fifties earning good money and the children are independent.

LuluJakey1 · 02/09/2016 06:42

You don't really contribute more than him at the minute - a few quid monthly.

You will go onto UPS in two years at the end of M6 if you are deemed appropriately skilled and experienced- most schools, not academies, still use the old Threshold criteria for assessment.

I would take the £5000 hit now while you can and encourage him into training or qualifications while he is working. If he really wants to he could soon catch that salary loss up.

Or does he want to?

Oblomov16 · 02/09/2016 06:46

I too, like a pp, find it concerning that he hadn't known what he wanted to do for the last 8 years and has only applied for 2 jobs recently.
He needs to be more decisive, and driven, take some careers advice, realise what the next 5 steps are to get to where he wants to be and DO IT.

Dogcatred · 02/09/2016 07:03

Actually if you and he put your all into your career you might rise to become a super head on £60k - £100k. He can stay home to look after all the babies. It could work out fine and you will need to keep moving jobs which is not too difficult if you are in the SE of England or anywhere with quite a few schools.
Not all men (and women) are decisive and driven though. Plenty of people aren't. That doesn't make them wrong and just because they are male does not make them more wrong. Most people don't really know what they want to do, want to minimise their hours and just get home as soon as possible to chill out.

1frenchfoodie · 02/09/2016 07:06

Sounds like he needs to take a good look at what he wants in a job and what he has to offer and make a longer term plan. Easy to say though - DH is on his 8th job in as many years in varying fields, his CV is, consequently a career dinking mess. Applying for only 2 jobs in a year and having no real idea of what he wants to do sounds a bit directionless. If he feels you will support him in a career change that means a salary drop might that be a motivation?

There are some books designed to help give direction to a job hunt/career change that may help. 'What colour is your parachute' is one though quite US focused, from memory.

In the meantime building up a financial safety net should be a priority - over and above mortgage overpayments unless the overpayments allow you to take a payment holiday. Personally I don't think the fact you are on course to pay it off in your 70s should be an issue - in 20 years the payments should look very small against your income.

ilovesooty · 02/09/2016 07:15

Presumably since you've been together so long you knew what his skills, attitude to life and capabilities were when you married him?

He's not suggesting ditching his job without another to go to. I'd be supporting him in researching what would represent a fulfilling career direction for him, but he would have to accept that starting a family would have to wait.

olympicfan · 02/09/2016 07:15

My DH hated his job a while back. So when I was pregnant with DC2 we decided he would quit his job and look after both children. It worked for us. He had a lovely 2 years being a dad, years he cherishes.

15 years on he struggled with MH problems again so recently gave up his job. I am a teacher so started to tutor on a Saturday to make ends meet and I have tutored every week over the summer as we only have my wage. He now has another job (started yesterday) taking a 30K pay cut and only working 3 days a week as he wants a better work life balance.

My advice: do look after yourself. I love my job- but I am now working 6 days a week, so our family stays healthy and can pay the bills.

Tutuloves · 02/09/2016 07:19

My husband wasn't happy with his job either so I said why don't you ask to go down to 4 days to spend more time with the family. Dropping a day really doesn't make a huge difference to his salary as he pays less tax but he's happier for it. He has a Wednesday off which means he never goes more than 2 days without a day off. Of course we have kids so it was easier for him to ask to drop a day based on that.

ilovesooty · 02/09/2016 07:25

Anyone can apply for flexible working now. Whether you have children is irrelevant.

LineyReborn · 02/09/2016 07:26

OP, I've thought from the beginning of the thread that you don't sound very happy.

DoinItFine · 02/09/2016 07:27

I'm amazed that people think you should financially support your lazy, unfocused, workshy husband because he doesn't like working.

You are going to end up carrying this guy financially permanently if he doesn't get his shit together and start behaving like an adult.

Is that what you want?

To have all your choices constrained for life because you married a flake?

timelytess · 02/09/2016 07:30

Do you love him? If you love him you won't want him to be miserable at work.
If you don't love him, please leave now before you have any children.

user1472561038 · 02/09/2016 07:30

I'd suggest that he needs to start retraining in his 'spare' time rather than giving up work. Can he do some evening classes or remote study for more qualifications? If you don't have children now is the ideal time to do this. It's still possible with them but much harder on family life. Could you go for promotion in terms of a leadership role?

ilovesooty · 02/09/2016 07:32

But the point is she knew what he was when she married him
He wasn't miraculously going to become focused and driven.
Perhaps the two of you will have to consider how compatible you are in terms of aims and ambition.

froubylou · 02/09/2016 07:33

Why should the OP take extra work on because her dp doesn't like his current job?

Only on mn.

Op you should support him emotionally of course. But financially he has just taken on a joint commitment that he needs to stick to.

Would 2 part time jobs work? They might be easier to get. Or stay where he is for now but revisit the course he did at college.

Fwiw I have been in your situation years ago. Just got a mortgage. Ex dp decided he hated his job and wanted to go in the forces. Fair enough.

But he wanted to leave his current job to train for the forces testing. I said no way as I couldn't afford to pay our commitments on my salary. The fucker stopped getting up for work and got sacked. We separated that weekend.

It broke my heart but I couldn't live long term with a person who had so little regard for me and our home and our commitments. He did eventually get into the forces but after 12 months.

I couldn't have supported him for that amount of time.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 02/09/2016 07:34

The OP should not just support her partner if he is unwilling to retrain, can't fix on anything and is, by portrayal here, expecting someone to pick up the slack for him. Also, if you're a teacher, you can't just 'get onto' the upper pay scale. There are officially no pay scales in teaching and haven't been for a few years. Most places do follow union guidelines and still use similar ones, however. UPS or its equivalent is actually quite hard to attain, because even if you have done your two years on M6 you have to fulfil threshold criteria and the school can prevent you anyway!

ilovesooty · 02/09/2016 07:34

The OP says they're aren't any TLR opportunities in her school. If she joins another school she might hate it and want our herself - she doesn't sound too happy about teaching now.

ilovesooty · 02/09/2016 07:35

There aren't, sorry.

shinynewusername · 02/09/2016 07:36

I'm with DoinItFine. MN is a mystery. The OP's DH is stuck in a job he hates because he can't be arsed to re-train or go for something better, yet posters think she needs to get a second job? No doubt she'll soon be doing 90% of the childcare too.

Oblomov16 · 02/09/2016 07:37

How many children are you planning on having OP? And when?

ilovesooty · 02/09/2016 07:39

I certainly wouldn't be getting a second job but I think if he wants a career move he should be encouraged to research what he'd like to do. He needs to be proactive in change himself though. Would he visit the National Careers Service to discuss his options?