To 'make' DH stay at a job he hates?

[Mistoffelees]

DH has been at his job for a few years now and is utterly fed up of it, the hours are long and the company used to be quite good to work for but not so much anymore. There are no other roles he could go for within the company.

He has therefore started looking at other jobs, the problem is he doesn't really know what he wants to do and has basically no qualifications and very little previous experience apart from the role he is currently in and he doesn't want the same role at a different company. He is currently paid quite well considering he is basically unskilled.

He has mentioned a couple of jobs which would be a massive step down in salary for him; we have just brought our first home and whilst we aren't struggling we were hoping to start overpaying on our mortgage to enable us to reduce the term, at the current rate we won't be finished paying it until we are nearly 70

He knows I'm not keen on him taking a job that would mean less money but at the same time he is truly miserable where he is; would I be unreasonable to put a limit on the amount we can afford him to lose?

Agree shiney. I think most people realise that teaching is full on enough by itself without adding extra work on top, I think this would lead to more resentment in any case for if it was down to the OP to make up the short fall. OP, you got together very young if you've been together since school, your posts make you sound weary of him, people change as they grow up, are you still a good fit?

I think you need to think long term. Not overpaying the mortgage now doesn't really matter if you are in a position in 5 years' time to make much larger repayments. Also, people who are really stressed tend to become mentally and physically sick - there is a scenario here where your partner could end up unable to work at all because of that. A sustainable strategy needs figuring out.

On his side, I think there is a huge difference between:-

1. "I've never baked a cake before, but I'm gonna quit my job and start a CHESS CAFE, because I hate my job and who doesn't love a chess cafe" (my exP)

and

1. "I need to get out of my job, and it means some temporary financial instability: here are the costs involved. We'll have to put off overpaying on the mortgage and having kids for a couple of years. However, I have a clear idea what I want to retrain as, and the long term prospects mean that I will probably be earning more in 10 years than I could in my current role".

I second what a PP said about growing apart. My exP and I got together in high school. By the time we were both 30, I found him intolerably immature, to a wearying extent. His urge to throw our financial stability up in the air without a plan frustrated me, and the constant man-child behaviour that went with it was just awful to deal with. You sound like you're being supportive, and he's being childish.

That's not much for a teacher. Why don't you find another teaching job

Also, reject this mother role you are being cast in.

You are not making him do anything.

Life (and the massive financial commitment he took on when he bought a house) is making him stay in a job he dislikes until he can either find one that pays well enough to meet his adult commitments, or puts together some kind of realistic long term plan (that he will need to stick to, even if he gets bored and it's hard).

It is not your job as his wife to protect him from having to deal with reality.

And DO NOT even consider having children until this man baby learns how to be an adult.

im with doinit too!

He should sort himself out. He is an adult. Extra job in summer! Ha ha. How many of you lot have got extra jobs to support a man who doesn't like his job! Loads of people don't like there jobs but they get on with it until they can find one that doesn't impact financially.

Sugar exactly how easy would that be then?

Besides her husband is the one who needs a new job, not the OP.

There's a difference between not liking your job and being so unhappy your mental health is at risk.

Sorry only just got up! Will try and answer some of the questions. We are definitely still a good fit and I love him very much and am happy apart from him not being happy.

We would like 2 or 3 children and in all likelihood he would be the one to either give up or reduce his hours for childcare.

He is very much of the school of thought 'work to live rather than live to work'. That would be fine if he was actually happy with that.

Unfortunately evening classes would be near on impossible due to the shifts he has to work.

There is absolutely no way I would pick up another job in term time I could potentially tutor for some of the summer holidays, need some of it to 'recharge'. But my degree was in education (poor choice in hindsight) and I have always taught early years so I'm not sure I'm clued up enough on the national curriculum to tutor although I could obviously read up.

I'll get him to look into the national careers service, I hadn't even heard of that?

Get him to go on the site and do the skills health checks and some proper research before he books an appointment. You only get two free appointments with an adviser so he needs to be well prepared to make good use of them.

There aren't an awful lot of schools in our area, I could commute but that is a big part of why I want to leave my current school.

There's no chance of us moving house yet, we've just bought the home we'd like to be in for many years.

It's reassuring that some people are saying not to worry about overpaying yet. Tbh the mortgage thread on here got me very worried, it seems normal on there to be paid off by the time you're in your 40s/50s!

I'm in a similar situation at the moment so I'm going to write down a few of the things we have been thinking about, it may not all be totally relevant to you but it might give him things to think about.

Would he still hate going to work even if he was working on a new plan outside of work? Is it possible for him to do any qualifications outside of work/college courses?

Money is important, but staying on a higher wage which will never increase is not necessarily better than moving to a lower wage which will increase in the future.

If he's struggling to decide what he wants to do, does he know what he doesn't want to do?

In the meantime, both of you sit down together and see if there's any way you can save money at home, even temporarily. What's the absolute minimum you need to live on and go from there. It's September now, so for us I would say that for 3 months we carry on as we are whilst saving as much money as possible and job hunting/writing cv/training and then after Christmas look at it again.

If he's that unhappy, then something will need to change at some point. But sometimes, knowing that you are moving forward on something can make it a little more bearable.

I can sympathise with his position, as I'm in my thirties and still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up!

(I'm not asking these questions to get answers btw, just things to think about)

in all likelihood he would be the one to either give up or reduce his hours for childcare.

Because he's a lazy shit who will be too busy "living" while you work.

You really, really do not want to be financially supporting a lazy parent.

You will do everything and if you leave him, he will keep the kids.

How much domestic work does he do now?

(Bear in mind that both men and women massively overestimate the amount of housework that men do).

My OH has just done this.
He hated his job, hated the commute (leaving house at 5.30am returning at 8pm)
I was on mat leave at the time, he tried to compromise with work asked for flexible start / finish times so he could plan his commute to cut out peak traffic times, they said no.
He then asked could he work longer Monday to Thursday and the have Friday off, or any variation of this, they also said no.
Then he decided maybe a break, catch up on sleep, de-stress etc. would help so he asked for parental leave ( was granted as they cant say no) but when he went back it just emphasised how much he hated it.
So he quit.
Yes there is worry about the money aspect
(entry level job, no previous experience of working in this industry and no qualifications needed, 50% pay cut in his new job although providing he passes all his exams over three years it rises back to his previous job)
BUT
It is the best thing we could do, home life is so much better he is more relaxed there is no more constant work talk no more Sundays where the house feels like we are all going to a funeral, the atmosphere is so much better.
As long as you can pay the basic bills I would tell him to go for it, life is far too short to be miserable.

I was in your husbands position once, I was newly married to my self employed husband who earned considerably less than me, with a mortgage and with the intention of having kids asap.
I was so unhappy in my job I was stressed, not sleeping, in tears most days. The prospects of moving laterally in the job were promising but could take 18 months from applying to starting, that's if you got the post as the applicants were always saturated with others wanting the job too.
I was so desperate sometimes I could have just walked out and not gon back and how I didn't sometimes was beyond me I felt that bad about being there.
I did get a new job in a different sector completely, my salary went from £27000 to £15000, I put my mortgage and bills first, and with very little that was left we cut our cloth accordingly and applied for wtc. God it was amazing we didn't have much but I was happy, very happy and positive about my future for the first time in a long time.
Fast forward a few more years are we any better off? No.
We run a business together, take out just enough to live while topped up with wtc were strengthening the business finances for our retirement and we have two kids which we do on similar outgoings and we manage all this now on a joint income of £20000 and a bit wtc, ctc & chb.
In the next 10yrs hubby and I will wrap the business look for part time work, and fingers crossed have made a nice nest egg.
My point is being that miserable as awful , your lucky, being frustrated at him means you have not been in the unfortunate position he's in, sometimes having the courage to change things takes a lot of strength and resolve, give him your support and be prepared to adapt, the results may be positively surprising but you have to work at it, you are in this together.

I think now is the time to take a break and think about your futures together make a plan.
I am a teacher and I doubt there will be much call for a eyfs specialist doing tuition no offence.
The mortgage thread scared me too, I have just signed up for a new 35 year term! But mortgages become more manageable as they progress that is their nature and your wage will go up.
I noticed a massive jump between m4 and m6. At m4 you might consider middle management roles, I did a coordinator and phase leader role which meant at m6 I managed to get a leadership role. My salary has pretty much doubled since I originally got a mortgage at the end of my nqt year.
He needs to make a plan and he needs to put himself out there and be prepared to fail before he succeeds.

Life is too short to be in a job that makes you unhappy.

Be practical. Do a budget - proper, in depth, look at everything you spend, budget.

Look at where you can cut costs, realistically. This can include changing electricity suppliers, shopping around for insurance policies, cutting out takeaways and buying Starbucks - moneysavingexpert.com is a great place for advice.

You could do a 'absolute minimum we need to live as a temporary measure' budget and a 'lifestyle we would both be happy with' budget. Then see how much income you need to meet those costs.

Then you have a baseline for what salary he needs to earn without causing too much disruption.

In the meantime, after having done the budget, make the cuts now and save the excess so you will have a bit of a buffer.

I very much disagree with the person that says he needs to be adult and keep working in a job that he is unhappy with. I've been there done that and ended up off on long term sick as a direct result.

allmybest thanks that's definitely given me lots of things to think about!

doinit we are both quite lazy when it comes to housework, I do little keeping on top of bits and he tends to do big deep cleans on his days off. If we've got visitors we will share a blitz of the house to make it presentable. I tend to cook whilst he washes up and we do our own laundry.

spudnik that sounds very similar to my DHs workplace, when he started the hours/days weren't as bad but he is now regularly doing 5 12 hour shifts a week.

You could do a 'absolute minimum we need to live as a temporary measure' budget and a 'lifestyle we would both be happy with' budget. Then see how much income you need to meet those costs.

WTF?

Do NOT do this.

Yiu are not his mother.

Facilitating his easy life is not your job.

If he's actually motivated to put a proper plan together, wonderful.

Support him all the way.

But yiu do not need (or want) to "support" a grown man in treating you as his mummy.

Haven't got much to add except how soul destroying staying in a job you cant stand is, mentally broke me.

DoinItFine damn you're a GF

DH was in that situation before.
He was fed up with his job, vaguely looking at other jobs but with no real 'interest'. I tried to help him, proposed to look at his CV. Send him limks to some jobs he could be interested in, incl some that were in different fields (We were working in a similar field and I was receiving emails fom recruitement agencies. That's what I was forwarding to him).
It didn't work because HE needed to get his acts together and make his own choice.

The one thing that worked for DH though is to move job within his company. He got to work with different people (that was one of the big sticking point for him), do anew job. It worked.
What worked for me was to retrain whilst in the job I had (Not a bad choice if he has no specific training). He can also ask his company if they would be happy to suport him (days off for the course, financially ...).

All of which could be done wo a major drop in income.

The other way to look at it is to look at your budget and see if you can tighten some areas to make up for the shortfall until your wage/his wage goes up.

What I have learnt though, both for myself and for DH is that pressurizing someone to stay in a job that they don't like isn't good for anyone. You need to find a solution that will work for you short term and ling term.
He also needs to know what he wants. I get the feeling that atm he just wants to get out. Fair enough but to what? He needs to first know what he would like to do, see what he can/can't do with his qualification and experience and then decide what he needs to do iyswim

Thinking a young woman should not be running her husband's life = goady fucker

Does he hate this job, or would he hate ALL jobs?

Given that he has form for dropping out of courses, you'd have to wonder.

Grown up who are motivated to change their lives can draw up their own plans.

Little babies who want Mommy to make it all better, so they can do more "living" and kess working, not so much.

Yours will go up so the gap will be smaller soon but he needs to figure out what he wants. If he hates his job but has no confidence in his skills and no confidence in retraining then is there a self esteem issue? Sounds like he has got in a depressive type rut and can't get out. He needs to but he will need support.

I too, like a pp, find it concerning that he hadn't known what he wanted to do for the last 8 years and has only applied for 2 jobs recently.
He needs to be more decisive, and driven, take some careers advice, realise what the next 5 steps are to get to where he wants to be and DO IT.

I can see where he's coming from, I've never know what I wanted to do. I don't have a career as such but I have a reasonably well paid job that while I don't exactly enjoy it has some good benfits and nice people.

I don't see the problem with the OP sitting down and working out how much she thinks they need to live and then discussing it with her DH and seeing what he thinks they need. That's not running his life, that's working things out as a partnership.

DH hates his job. He stays in it because we need the money. I've just started a new job with longer hours and better pay, so he's reduced his hours back to basic. I know he'd like to leave but he knows he can't do that unless he can find one paying more or less the same, or if paying less, allowing him to finish way enough for us not to need after school club and thus reduce our childcare bill. I suppose I 'make' him stay in it, the way I was 'made' to stay in jobs I hated before. We have responsibilities. Not a mortgage, but children and rent and so on. We went through very hard times when he hated a previous job and went self employed. I'm not going back to needing hosing benefit to get by and having to say no to every single request the dc make and crying because I can't pay both the council tax and gas bill. If DH walked out of his job into one which lost us £5k a year without finding ways that the loss wouldn't cripple us I would consider leaving him. We've been there, done that, it was hellish. It was worse to be utterly utterly broke and crying and terrified about that, than to utterly utterly hate my last job and be crying and terrified about that. Honestly. I can't bear the thought of another winter where it's as cold inside as out because there's no money for the gas meter or where my feet are wet every day because even primark wellies are beyond me. I stuck a job I bloody hated and was totally miserable in because the alternative was worse. I expect DH to do the same if he has any respect for us at all.

How on earth is it "working as a partnership" for the woman (always, always the woman) to "sit down" (always, always she must be sitting down to organise a man's life for him) and do the sums?

He wants to quit his job and earn less money.

Let him do the bloody sums and thinking about this.