To 'make' DH stay at a job he hates?

[Mistoffelees]

DH has been at his job for a few years now and is utterly fed up of it, the hours are long and the company used to be quite good to work for but not so much anymore. There are no other roles he could go for within the company.

He has therefore started looking at other jobs, the problem is he doesn't really know what he wants to do and has basically no qualifications and very little previous experience apart from the role he is currently in and he doesn't want the same role at a different company. He is currently paid quite well considering he is basically unskilled.

He has mentioned a couple of jobs which would be a massive step down in salary for him; we have just brought our first home and whilst we aren't struggling we were hoping to start overpaying on our mortgage to enable us to reduce the term, at the current rate we won't be finished paying it until we are nearly 70

He knows I'm not keen on him taking a job that would mean less money but at the same time he is truly miserable where he is; would I be unreasonable to put a limit on the amount we can afford him to lose?

Jesus OP is getting a hard time - she should get another job, she should support him in getting another job, you shoudl support him in retraining - all the time her DH is doing sweet fuck all to try and work out exactly what he wants to do and isn't interested in retraining or even applying for other jobs. He just wants to have a moan.

Let him do the bloody sums and thinking about this.

Indeed.

Considering he sounds quite flaky with no real idea of what he wants to do I don't think yabu. You shouldn't have to take on more work because he's being irresponsible, and it doesn't look like he's making any sort of definite plan or effort to find a job he wants.

I have a strong inherent dislike of flaky people who can't stick at courses/qualifications and complain about their current situation but won't do anything about it.

Doin, I absolutely did not say that she should do a budget for him - where did I say that?

FYI - you is a plural as well as a singular term.

To expand - this NEEDS to be a joint effort because leaving him to do the sums could lead to a half-hearted attempt with a 'yes it will be fine' outcome.

Op doing all the sums could lead to a situation where he feels like he is being forced into something and he might think she is exaggerating etc.

Any change will affect them jointly and so it needs to be looked at jointly.

DoinItFine damn you're a GF

That's totally uncalled for.

I think this needs to be sorted before you have children, because it'll add to the stress of uncertainty.
I do understand your DH hating his job - I've been there twice but I stayed until I had another plan-job sorted out and DH was happy with the plan too, and it was pre children.

Until the end of last year I'd have said my DH was fine with his job choices. He is currently on his third job since leaving his job of 5 years in Dec. So 3 jobs in 9 months.
Every job has been an increase in wage but he left them because he was unhappy with management/work flow/the distance from home.
He's just applied for another job which would be another 5k increase.
I'm a SAHM to our 3 children (5 and under) and I will be going back to work when the youngest is in school - so there's only wrap around care to pay for.
This was always the plan, but I was/am scared shitless that he's been hopping from job to job and still isn't satisfied, is this going to be how it is until I'm back in FT work?

And you married this bloke? And consider starting a family?

No sensible advice really possible. He sounds like a lazy loser who cant stick to anything, so it does not mater one Iota what you plan out for him.

You bought a house with him?

tutter . we women are our own worst enemies. You love him?
geez

Ya and yanbu a temporary drop in income and a chance for him to retrain might lift his self esteem and happines and could be a long term benefit for your household.

He could resent you for making him stay where he isn't happy, I had a good opportunity that I didn't want to take(Think lots of hard work hours and long term game) but was encouraged to do so I stuck it out for 6 months and was utterly miserable and it broke down the relationship, in my case though there was a double standard as he came home one day and said he quit his job, no discussion..

If you both can agree for him to take a lesser payed job with a serious view to retrain and review your budget, if it's going to happen then he will have to compromise too.

Could he speak with a careers advisor of sorts?

Actually there is some advice for you. Tell him to stick to his job until he has another job to go to.

I think this man would be quite happy to potter at home and "do nothing" while you work your arse off.

You should NOT be happy to take on more work to facilitate him doing less.

I think that if the OP takes on board even a little of DoinItFine's advice, she (the OP) stands a chance of seeing the wood for the trees.

I still don't think, OP, that you sound particularly happy, but you say that you are and I wish you well. Please just think hard about what's best for you . I'm glad that at least you seem to be not so keen on the bizarre suggestions that you take on yet another job as well as being a fulltime teacher.

serin it's not always as simple as 'sod the mortgage' though is it, we have no savings as have just used them all to put the deposit on our house so currently have nothing to fall back on.

You've only just bought the house, so you're right at the sharp end. You'll need any cash for emerging expenses, e.g. stuff that the survey brought up. And stuff that it didn't!
Then things will get easier.

The other thing to remember is that you will always have housing costs. At least with a mortgage that money is an investment in your own property rather than going on rent.

Just to add I would really encourage him to go speak to good career advisors, sometimes getting advice or pep talks from someone not in the situation makes everything clearer.

Speaking from experience when I quit my miserable job I went 3 months without a job then started my own business which took less than 3 months to get enough income.

I wouldn't have done this well without help from outside agencies and now I'm looking into a different career path and studying because someone has encouraged and pointed out a path that they believe I can achieve and making me believe it too.

In a way I was a lot like your dh but without the mortgage.

I hope that you both can come to a good solution and support each other.

Why should she have no input into working out household finances? I wouldn't be happy if my DH decided to quit his job and told me that he'd done all the sums and it's all going to be fine. That's not his decision to make or his sums to do. It affects both of us.

We discuss decisions like this jointly, and I'd expect his input if the situation was reversed. We're not being each others parents, we're being a partnership.

If someone came on AIBU MN and posted that sort of thing ^ there would likely be a rounding chorus of LTB.

To cover his reduced income whilst retraining you could get a lodger. Its tax-free up to £7500 per year (£625 per month) under the rent-a-room scheme.

www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/the-rent-a-room-scheme

Of course she should have input.

Which is very different from drawing up the plans herself.

The starting point of their discussion should be a realistic plan from him.

Not just a load of bellyaching.

Doin - in order to get a realistic plan, surely they need a realistic idea of what is do-able? Thats where I would suggest they start.

I guess it's all up to the op and her oh though, all we can offer are suggestions.

YABU. Overpaying on the mortgage shouldn't come before your husband's happiness and mental wellbeing. That's extraordinarily selfish IMO.

The only thing I would say is that he shouldn't leave his job until he has another one. Even if it's lower paying.

I am not sure whether YABU or not yet.

Dp had this situation literally a month ago, no qualifications except those relevant to his current (now previous) job, but he was desperately unhappy, because of several issues illegal conduct at work.

He wanted a change. We both knew if he retrained in a new industry money would be less, things would be tight. I'm on maternity leave so when I say tight I mean tight.

But, I would rather him be happy, relaxed at home, actually enjoying his job, than have a spare couple of hundred quid each month.

He got a new job in a new industry and loves it, hours are better, there's overtime if he wants it, a lot of chances of training for different equipment etc which every time he completes one his wage goes up. Will be 100 times better when I go back to work.

It's worked out for us, he's worked his arse off doing overtime etc and were not that much worse off, but most importantly he is happy. Which means we argue less, he isn't stressed, he doesn't get home from work and sit in silence all night.

It's made a massive difference to us, and if you're confident your DH would make it work, then I think you should let him do it, but obviously only if you can cover all your costs in the short term while he retrains.

I don't honestly believe you can stay in a job you hate long term, it's utterly soul destroying.

If he can't come up with a plan that is do-able on his own, then he's a useless shite.

She can get involved once he has thought about what he wants next and how it might be achieved.

"Sitting down" now and working this out as a "partnership" is just code for being his mammy and running his life for him.

Oh my goodness, you leave a thread for 5 minutes, come back and suddenly your marriage is over!

To reiterate, he will not leave his job unless he has something else to go to, yes he was 'flaky' in his late teens, that was a long time ago now and he has been in his last two jobs for extended periods.

I know how he feels about not knowing what he wants to do, as I said I probably won't stay in teaching forever but I have absolutely not a clue what else I would want to do.

He is not lazy, he works very hard and has a full knowledge of our finances, as it happens I did draw up a budget thing for my own money so I can suggest we do the same for our joint money quite easily.

He definitely has self-esteem issues and more than once I've suggested he see his GP as I've been worried about him being depressed but when he started at this job for a couple of years he was very happy in it.

Doin, you clearly have a very different perception of what a partnership is to the majority!

You have your opinion, I have mine. You think he should make a plan and then see if it is viable. I think that going through finances can take a lot of time and that should be looked at beforehand so that when it comes to making a plan, seeing how viable it is will be straightforward.

What I don't appreciate is the way you approach this - you appear to be looking to piss people off by making unreasonable interpretations. And for that reason, I am out. I have made my stance clear and I feel people reading what I have said are unlikely to be influenced by the way you are trying to twist things. Thats good enough for me.

Op, hope you manage to find a solution that works for both of you.

Thanks bewty FWIW your approach, and others who have posted similar are much closer to my own opinions than the more extreme approach of the LTB brigade that seem to have muscled on to the thread, but you're quite right that they are entitled to their opinions so I may join you in leaving them to get on with it!