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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

The daughter you never had.

140 replies

Flash13 · 07/07/2016 15:28

Colleague has just had a baby daughter, and she brought her in to work so that the workforce can have a cuddle with the little lady.
My AIBU is, as another colleague passed the baby on to me to have a quick squeeze she said to me "here Flash13, pretend she's the daughter you never had." I have two gorgeous little boys and I take serious offence to people acting like they aren't as precious as little girls. So I flashed at her and said " that's was a horrible thing to say."
Afterwards she apologised and said she didn't mean it the way it sounded. But to be honest I am still hurt. I think so many people, women especially, make out as though your family isn't perfect, unless you have a little girl.

OP posts:
lulucappuccino · 07/07/2016 15:31

Don't be ridiculous. YABU ave making a fuss about absolutely nothing.

IceBeing · 07/07/2016 15:32

yanbu. unprofessional thing to say and so easily going to cause offence.

TapDancingPimp · 07/07/2016 15:34

Probably not the nicest thing to say, but she's apologised so I think it's time you moved on. What more do you want from her?

penguinplease · 07/07/2016 15:34

Really rude of her to say that.
Yanbu

user1467101855 · 07/07/2016 15:36

Even without the pro-girl thing (which I agree is rampant and hurtful), its fucking weird to suggest that you pretend your colleagues child is yours for any reason. Even in jest, its an oddball thing to say.

She's nuts, forget her.

SingingSands · 07/07/2016 15:36

Oh dear, not a nice thing to say but she probably feels bad about it now and has apologised. It's not as if it was a pre-meditated verbal attack, just one of those brain not connected to mouth moments?

ParadiseCity · 07/07/2016 15:37

I can't really see what is offensive. I don't think most people think you 'should' have a boy or a girl to have the perfect family.

MrsDoylesTeaParty · 07/07/2016 15:38

I would accept the apology as it's clear it wasn't meant to be hurtful, but it was worded badly.

squoosh · 07/07/2016 15:39

I think YABU. I don't really see what's so hurtful about that. She may be the sort who'd say the same about a baby boy to a woman who had only daughters.

And she's apologised, so it's done and dusted.

Original poster
Flash13 · 07/07/2016 15:39

I guess my opinion is pretty strong on the subject at the moment because another colleague is pregnant and the ladies I work with are all saying how much they hope she has a little girl as she already has a boy, and another boy would probably disappoint her Hmm
My youngest son has never been a disappointment Sad

OP posts:
Zarah123 · 07/07/2016 15:39

I think so many people, women especially, make out as though your family isn't perfect, unless you have a little girl.

Not necessarily. If you had 2 girls, and someone brought in a newborn boy, she may have said 'pretend this is the son you never had'.

She was a bit tactless but I think you are may be over-sensitive. Why are you still hurt? You know you have 2 lovely boys.

nonline · 07/07/2016 15:40

It's an odd thing to say but she apologised on realising she offended you.
She may have meant that you didn't have one of each rather than a 'better' girl? (not that it makes much difference to he situation)

Farmmummy · 07/07/2016 15:41

I can understand exactly in reverse. I have 2 girls and everyone keeps saying oh you need a boy now and oh dear better luck next time. I feel like screaming all my pregnancies were complicated and high risk and we lost twins in between (a boy and girl) but I believe it's frowned upon to cry and yell actually I had my son on my bathroom floor and almost died in the process although I have been known to ask how their sex life is and when they say it's inappropriate answer with bingo. People need to mind their own business

Zarah123 · 07/07/2016 15:41

another colleague is pregnant and the ladies I work with are all saying how much they hope she has a little girl as she already has a boy, and another boy would probably disappoint her

Have they said that TO your colleague? Now that's mean. Have you commiserated with your colleague to say another boy is not a disappointment?

MiniLop · 07/07/2016 15:43

YANBU.
I'm currently pregnant with DC2 (sex unknown) and I already have a DS. Lots of people have said to me "I bet you're hoping it's a girl" or asking whether I would "try for a girl" if this one is another boy. I find it really hurtful and rude, especially as, when pregnant with DS, I desperately hoped he was a boy. This time I really don't mind as I've got the boy I always wanted. I don't know why people always assume everyone wants 'one of each'. I'd be more than happy with 2 boys!

KittyLane1 · 07/07/2016 15:44

Bloody rude!

She has no idea what your person circumstances are or whether or not you actually had lost a baby girl.

Although I hope you didn't really flash her Grin

user1467101855 · 07/07/2016 15:45

If people can't see why its offensive, you're not trying very hard. And you clearly haven't had the experience of many many people, including your own family, going on and on about how you must be sad you only have boys, and how every woman wants a daughter, and how their lives weren't complete til they had theirs, and how you lose your sons when they marry but a daughter is for life, and on and fucking on until you want to kill them.

SecretlycrushingonTomHanks · 07/07/2016 15:48

YANBU, not a very nice thing to say. She most likely said it without thinking and probably felt mortified (rightly so) when you pulled her up about it. For what it's worth though I have two DDs and get the opposite to you. Everybody continually asks if I'll have another to try for a son for DH. Why would we be bothered?

Likeaninjanow · 07/07/2016 15:49

Yanbu. People can be very insensitive. A family member (who has 1 girl) said to me 'aw, if you had a girl you'd treat her differently. Girls are more special'. I replied that I totally disagreed with her are flounced off. One & only time I've flounced.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/07/2016 15:50

Well if they know your other colleague wel enough to know she'd prefer a girl this time round, then surely that's a fair thing to hope for? Just because you are happy with 2 boys doesn't mean others would necessarily be.

I have 2 boys and wanted DS2 to be a girl, which is why I made sure to find out the sex at the 20 week scan so I'd have plenty of time to get over being disappointed if necessary. I did get over it and greeted him happily.

I have a friend who was convinced DC2 would be a boy like DC1 and really struggled to bond with her eventual DD as a result.

Everyone's different basically, but your colleague shouldn't have said that to you in any case. Far too many ways for it to be taken badly.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 07/07/2016 15:59

Yanbu

VioletVaccine · 07/07/2016 15:59

I had the opposite again- you can't bloody win!

DC1 is a boy. DC2 is a girl.

When I became happily pg with DC3, a few rays of sunshine actually asked why we'd decided to have another, because "You've already got one of each" Hmm

I didn't realise having children was the adult equivalent of pokemon cards.

grannytomine · 07/07/2016 16:04

Flash13, I sympathise I had 2 boys followed by a girl and was so sick of the comments about shame its another boy and hope its a girl this time. I was so paranoid about it that when the midwife told me I had a girl I refused to believe her, I was so determined not to please the "girls are so lovely" brigade.

Just for the record I have forgiven her for being a girl and we are very close.

WorraLiberty · 07/07/2016 16:04

Colleague has just had a baby daughter, and she brought her in to work so that the workforce can have a cuddle with the little lady.

Nobody wanted to cuddle the baby then?

mumofthemonsters808 · 07/07/2016 16:10

She's just talking nonsense ignore her, I've got one of each and people tell me I'm blessed, I just smile along with it, I can't be bothered to tell them that I would of preferred same sex children. People talk rubbish all the time, I'm sure she didn't mean any offence.