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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The daughter you never had.

140 replies

Flash13 · 07/07/2016 15:28

Colleague has just had a baby daughter, and she brought her in to work so that the workforce can have a cuddle with the little lady.
My AIBU is, as another colleague passed the baby on to me to have a quick squeeze she said to me "here Flash13, pretend she's the daughter you never had." I have two gorgeous little boys and I take serious offence to people acting like they aren't as precious as little girls. So I flashed at her and said " that's was a horrible thing to say."
Afterwards she apologised and said she didn't mean it the way it sounded. But to be honest I am still hurt. I think so many people, women especially, make out as though your family isn't perfect, unless you have a little girl.

OP posts:

Cloudhopping · 07/07/2016 17:43

I think YAB a bit U. I have 2 girls and have been asked on a few occasions whether we're going to try for a boy (how you try for a boy specifically though is beyond me). We also got a male dog and a couple of friends joked he was the son I never had. I think you're being slightly over sensitive. I'm just wondering whether you're disappointed that you never had a girl underneath it all and that's why it's hit a nerve with you. I may be completely wrong though so I'm sorry if this isn't the case.

milkbottle · 07/07/2016 17:43

You flashed at her?!

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 07/07/2016 17:44

Flashed a dirty look I'm guessing.

Bee182814 · 07/07/2016 17:47

Omg, this annoys me so much! I'm pregnant with DD and have DS aged 2. A friend of mine said to me recently 'what would you have done if you had found out you were having another boy?' Errr. Actually I always quite liked the idea of having two boys!

reallyanotherone · 07/07/2016 17:48

Lots of people say it would be the same if you had girls about a boy, but in my experience that is not true. It is specifically daughters that I have been told that women need to have, because boys just aren't the same, they won't love when you're old and all that guff. Pure bollocks of course, but they seem to mean what they say.

Yep, you can only go shopping, spa days, talk about make up, clothes, babies, and other girly things with a daughter*. You can't spend quality time with a boy because you don't have anything in common, they will be off doing boy things with their dad. Boys are simple creatures you just need to feed and exercise.

*My daughter likes none of these things.

MrsDeVere · 07/07/2016 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 07/07/2016 17:52

I don't think girls are crap.

needastrongone · 07/07/2016 17:56

Blimey! I can't see this as an issue? It's an insensitive comment that has been apologised for, I wish I had the energy to get exercised about stuff like this.

However, my family is perfect, as I have one of each

Honestly though OP, I would let it go, particularly as the person has said sorry

CPtart · 07/07/2016 18:02

Someone at work told me recently that a grandchild produced by her own daughter and not her DIL is more 'special'. No mention of it being half her son's baby too. As someone whose MIL favours heavily my SIL's DC over ours, this infuriated me.

Elllicam · 07/07/2016 18:04

I get where you are coming from OP. I have two (wonderful) little boys and am pregnant with DC3. The amount of people who have said, bet you want a girl, you'll be so disappointed with another boy etc etc is unreal. I just usually say I want a sleeper.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 07/07/2016 18:06

When I was pregnant with DC2and told my mum after the 20 week scan that the baby was going to be a boy there was a long pause followed by "Oh... that'll take me a while to get used to... we have girls in our family" But then MIL said that she knew we would be lucky - equally ... did she not think we were lucky to have DD first?

People say weird stuff.

I think there are probably more people who think "one of each" is some kind of Stepford ideal than that boys or girls are "better" though (which means that when you have one of each people feel free to assume a DC3 is a contraceptive failure...)

HopperBusTicket · 07/07/2016 18:06

I don't think it was a horrible thing to say and I think you created awkwardness by reacting so strongly. It was silly, maybe thoughtless, but just a passing comment I think. I like Lottie's suggestion above for a response.

I have two sons. The first time I had a preference for a boy. And once I had a son I had a preference for a girl. I would have liked one of each. That's not so awful is it. I love both my sons completely and utterly. Is there still a part of me that would like a daughter - yes. But I don't wish either of my boys actually was a girl.

We are not planning any more. I think the 'keep going until you get the sex you want' plan is pretty flawed! I am grateful for what I have.

JinnyGreenTeeth · 07/07/2016 18:09

'a son's a son 'til he takes a wife but a daughter's a daughter all your life'

I have never heard anyone who appeared remotely intelligent saying this.

In fact, I first encountered it on Mn, though fortunately in the context of multiple posters briskly pointing out the reactionary, 1950s attitudes it rests on - Son goes striding masculinely off into the future, focusing on work, creating his own tribe and throwing off maintaining family ties as 'girls' stuff' by delegating to his wife, -and everyone thinks that's fine - while daughter meekly trots about in the vicinity, continuing to orient her life around her parents, regardless of what else might be going on in her life, and judged harshly if she doesn't.

LordyMe · 07/07/2016 18:13

She was thoughtless and apologised. You may have been too sensitive. I don't think it's a big deal. I think it's rude to suggest to anyone that they must be disappointed with their child.

I have two boys and two girls. I had the two boys first and when I was pregnant with my third I really, really wanted a girl. However, any suggestion that I would have been disappointed with a boy would be ridiculous. Luckily no one ever said that to me.

I'm happy to admit that I like having both boys and girls. I'm not 'smug' about it as it wasn't something I had any control over but for me it's a good thing.

My DC are all Uni age, are all delightful and I find it effortless to love them equally, but, yeah, I admit it, I find I spend a lot more time with my girls than my boys. It's not that I get on better with them but more that we have a lot more interests in common.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 07/07/2016 18:15

However, my family is perfect, as I have one of each

I know you mean, about your family being perfect for you. My family is perfect for me as well :) It's great isn't it.

needastrongone · 07/07/2016 18:21

It was a very tongue in cheek comment, I hope folk understand

I just don't give a flying fuck whether other folk consider is perfect or not and CNBA getting excited about it, an insensitive comment has been apologised for, so that would probably be the end of things for me.

I work in an office full of blokes, good job I am not sensitive in the slightest

reallyanotherone · 07/07/2016 18:26

I have absolutely nothing in common with my mother, and spend as little time with her as possible.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 07/07/2016 18:36

Ah, I get you.

MiaowTheCat · 07/07/2016 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dutchcourage · 07/07/2016 18:39

I have to girls and another on the way. I get asked all the time if a want a boy.

It doesn't bother me. You over reacted

LynetteScavo · 07/07/2016 18:48

Yanbu.

I have two boys, and everybody except Asian men seemed to feel sorry for me. When had DD people were so, so thrilled for me.

The girl obsession seems to be a cultural thing.

Pearlman · 07/07/2016 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoffreyBaratheon · 07/07/2016 20:54

OP, I have 5 sons so have had my fair share of this weird assumption, too. I never wanted a daughter. They seem like hard work (observation of friends' and families' female offspring). And in my case I couldn't have afforded a house with an extra bedroom, just for a different sex baby anyway. I was always a tomboy myself - never liked little girls even when I was one. ;o) No-one ever believes you when you say you're happier with what you've got. In fact, when No 5 was also a boy I couldn't quite believe my luck.

It does seem a cultural thing, doesn't it? I don't get it - never did. The woman was a dick, but she apologised. Still a dick, though. I'd be offended, too.

TowerRavenSeven · 07/07/2016 20:59

You were U to say something. She probably just meant 'Here you can get your girlie fix in!' and it came out awkward and silly sounding.

squoosh · 07/07/2016 21:00

'I never wanted a daughter. They seem like hard work'

That kind of thinking is just the other side of the same coin.

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