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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

The daughter you never had.

140 replies

Flash13 · 07/07/2016 15:28

Colleague has just had a baby daughter, and she brought her in to work so that the workforce can have a cuddle with the little lady.
My AIBU is, as another colleague passed the baby on to me to have a quick squeeze she said to me "here Flash13, pretend she's the daughter you never had." I have two gorgeous little boys and I take serious offence to people acting like they aren't as precious as little girls. So I flashed at her and said " that's was a horrible thing to say."
Afterwards she apologised and said she didn't mean it the way it sounded. But to be honest I am still hurt. I think so many people, women especially, make out as though your family isn't perfect, unless you have a little girl.

OP posts:
mishmash1979 · 07/07/2016 21:03

I have a daughter and since she was 3 she has been a tomboy. Proper, hate pink, love mud wish I was a boy tomboy. The number of people over the years who have said to me "poor u it's such a shame she's not a girlie girl" irritates me immensely. I love my children and never wish for anything other than I have

LittleMoonbuggy · 07/07/2016 21:08

Am I dreaming that in 2014 MN showed the results of a poll (presumably MNers) of what mothers would ideally choose as their perfect family? First choice was 2 DDs, then one of each, then 2DDs with 1 DS etc. I'm sure I saw it in summer 2014, just after I'd had my DS.

I do think there is a cultural preference for girls here, with them being perceived as 'easier' and less boisterous. I have met a few people in RL who already have 2 DS and said they wouldn't want a third unless it was a DD. My work colleague is expecting a DS soon and has expressed disappointment as she saw herself as a 'mum of girls'.

Just for the record, I have one of each sex who are equally fantastic. Also expecting DC3, which multiple people people have expressed surprise over as I 'already have one of each'!

foursillybeans · 07/07/2016 21:09

It was a thoughtless remark but nothing more. If she hadn't apologised then you might have reason to hold on to it but she apologised and you need to move in.

foursillybeans · 07/07/2016 21:10

move on I mean. Moving in would be overkill. Grin

mishmash1979 · 07/07/2016 21:18

I would just like to explode the myth that girls are easier; when they are up to 5 maybe. Once they hit 5 there is nooooooooooo way they r easier. My 1 daughter is as hard work as my 3 sons!!!!

ladydepp · 07/07/2016 21:22

She apologised. Let it go.

Next time someone says something similar just smile and say "Anywayyyyy....".

Damselindestress · 07/07/2016 21:24

What an annoying insensitive thing for her to say. You are happy with your boys so it was unkind of her to imply there is something missing but it would be even worse if she said that to someone who was secretly longing for a daughter! People just shouldn't say such stupid things because they don't know how someone is feeling inside. You stood up for yourself and she apologised so it might be time to draw a line under it now but YWNBU to say something.

ladydepp · 07/07/2016 21:27

As a mum of 3, 2 boys and a girl, I find it hilarious that people can think 1 gender is easier than another. Totally depends on personality imo, nothing to do with testicles or ovaries. My trickiest child is male, but many of my friends find their daughters hard work. I know nightmares and angels of both gender Grin.

ResetTheMap · 07/07/2016 21:32

I agree there is a cultural preference for girls. Girls are seen as more advanced for their age, tidier, more eloquent, more likely to sit down and play quietly or do some colouring... and then grow up to be best friends with their mum who they go to spas with and who shares closely in caring for the grandchildren. (But they're also hard work and manipulative.) Whilst boys are messy, violent, only interested in sports/fighting, uncommunicative and grow up to rareky see you and to marry women who hate you and keep you from your grandchildren. (But they are cuddly and straightforward when young.)

But you know what? It's all bollocks. People are people, not their genitalia.

I get that these attitudes are hurtful though. I have two sons and have been on the receiving end of a lot of comments about how, basically, I've failed to produce a child with a vagina. And tbh I'd always imagined I'd have a daughter and since DP & I only planned 2 DC I won't have one and was sad about that after DS2's 20 week scan. But that made me look really deeply at my feelings around it and realise what a load of crap norms around gender are.

MyAmDeryCross · 07/07/2016 21:50

She probably opened her mouth without thinking and came out with some trite comment. I would guess that she doesn't have children.

I was really disappointed that dc2 was a girl. I had a dreadful pregnancy, wanted two boys, knew I was having a girl. Every time someone told me how lucky I was I wanted to tear their face off but was too sick.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 07/07/2016 21:55

Yanbu. I have 2 boys and 2 girls. I get commiserated that it wasn't a boy who was the eldest for his sisters - mine came g/b/g/b. I've also had 'perfect family' when I've had one of each out with me, or the twins (g/b) being a ready made family.

It is just thoughtless. And honestly, if we don't challenge the small things, the bigger issues become more acceptable.

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 07/07/2016 22:09

Peace and love

ThePinkOcelot · 07/07/2016 22:17

I've got 2 girls and that was said to me on numerous occasions, so it works both ways.
I remember a thread a few years ago where someone said, you are not a mother unless you've had a boy! Now that was the most ridiculous comment ever!

HooseRice · 07/07/2016 22:21

You get what you get.

Just be thankful you got.

PurplePetals · 07/07/2016 22:25

I wouldn't let it upset you. I don't think she meant anything by it, it was probably just one of those off the cuff comments which she didn't think would offend you.
I remember being at the park with DD1 and 2 and was quite obviously pregnant again. A woman I'd never seen before came up to me whilst I was pushing the girls on the swings and, completely out of the blue, said, 'You must be desperate for a boy this time?'. I told her I loved being mum to my girls, so no, not at all desperate. She then told me that my DH must really want a son, so I said he felt the same way as me and we were having another girl, so it was just as well. She turned around, shaking her head and saying what a terrible shame it was.
I couldn't believe it, but it didn't upset me - I just thought she was a bit of a sad old bat and laughed it off.
I have loved having three DDs, but am no happier than my friend who has three sons and has equally close and rewarding relationships with them as I have with my girls.

branofthemist · 08/07/2016 06:56

Tabby to have been a bit upset. But she admitted she was wrong and apologised.

I had and everyone assumed that I would be desperate for a boy the second time. Or 'I bet you dh has fingers crossed for a boy' Turned out he was but neither of us could care less.

Then a woman at work (who had two boys) was down right awful to me when I found out ds was a boy. She really resented that I was having one of each. She kept making comments about not counting my chickens as 'anything could happen to him before I gave birth' or 'what would you do if it turned out to be girl'. The comment about something happening to him tipped me over the edge. I think she would have been happier if something bad had happened to him.

Some people just say dickish stuff.

dustarr73 · 08/07/2016 08:32

I have 5 boys and i have heard some crap.But the best i think was when the nurse who was giving me my scan.Asked me how many i had and what sexes they where.

I said 4 boys and bump.Oh she said i bet you are dying for a girl.And of course its a boy.

She turned and gave me such a look of pity and said never mind.I pulled her up on it and said it didnt matter to be i have loads of hand me downs and that it was an awful thing to say.She did say sorry.

NavyAndWhite · 08/07/2016 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/07/2016 08:47

I've never heard this kind of thing in real life. People assume you want one of each but I've not experienced anyone favouring one gender over the other.

I have two girls and while I wouldn't change that, I'm sure I'd feel the same whatever I'd had.

I couldn't get upset by that comment though. It's obviously the colleague projecting her own feelings onto the situation. I feel sorry for people with such narrow views - they must be frequently disappointed in life.

MrsDoylesTeaParty · 08/07/2016 13:15

Xmasbaby Same here, I never hear anything like this away from MN but it's rife on here. Gender comments, number of children comments etc.. Not saying I don't believe it, just feel grateful I don't come across people like this! It must be so annoying.

jellycat1 · 08/07/2016 13:35

It's funny - I genuinely wanted little versions of DH - because he was so damn cute as a kid - and never really wanted a little version of me so didn't really want a girl! Weird. Maybe I need self love therapy! Wink

llhj · 08/07/2016 13:40

Seriously? Your terminology of her baby as little lady makes me whole lot more offended. Yuck. She apologised, what more can you ask for? A banner in the sky with 'Boys Rule' or something.

Whathaveilost · 08/07/2016 13:41

I don't get the offense snd I'm the mother of two boys.
I've had it said to me, in fact it's quite a common thing to say when presented with a baby of the opposite sex of your own.
I used to just laugh and know it's banter.
I really don't get the upset at all.

Pettywoman · 08/07/2016 13:42

How can you possibly take offense at that, especially if you have two lovely little boys? I could understand if you'd lost a baby girl, that would be horrific, otherwise yabu. In the words of ds's nursery teacher 'find your resilience'.

ladylambkin · 08/07/2016 13:45

I think you are being over sensitive