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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

The daughter you never had.

140 replies

Flash13 · 07/07/2016 15:28

Colleague has just had a baby daughter, and she brought her in to work so that the workforce can have a cuddle with the little lady.
My AIBU is, as another colleague passed the baby on to me to have a quick squeeze she said to me "here Flash13, pretend she's the daughter you never had." I have two gorgeous little boys and I take serious offence to people acting like they aren't as precious as little girls. So I flashed at her and said " that's was a horrible thing to say."
Afterwards she apologised and said she didn't mean it the way it sounded. But to be honest I am still hurt. I think so many people, women especially, make out as though your family isn't perfect, unless you have a little girl.

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 07/07/2016 17:02

It's bloody rude. I have 3 sons and am sick of being asked "are you going to have another and try for a girl?" Why the fuck would I?

LemonScentedStickyBat · 07/07/2016 17:03

Loads of people talk a lot of bollocks about gender. Some will cling on to anything they can find to back up their bollocks theories. Some just don't think very deeply. Or think what happened in their own families applies to everyone. Frustrating but you have to work with them.

CookieDoughKid · 07/07/2016 17:04

Honestly I think you shouldn't take it so personally. Colleagues are not your friends and they don't really know you and how you feel. Yes it's a bit insensitive but it was probably said in the heat of the moment. I'd take it with a pinch of salt. It says more about you than your colleague and I mean this in the nicest possible way. You'll have years of this ahead of you and to stop yourself from feeling hurt you need to armour up a little.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 07/07/2016 17:04

It's hurtful because people assume your boys aren't good enough.

I get you OP. Smile Boys are wonderful.

MyLlamasGoneBananas · 07/07/2016 17:05

She was just rude. I'm another one with all girls and I have had people say "ooh you just need a boy now to have a proper family"

On my last daughters birth I was asked if I was dissapointed with yet another girl!!!!

What ever you have -just 1 child, 10 kids, single sex or mixed sees some idiot somewhere will come out with an ignorant and stupid comment.

Yep they hurt. My youngest is 15 and here I am still very prickly and annoyed at what was said years ago. The fact is - they are the idiots not you.

Enjoy your boys and try to forget her rudeness. At least you pulled her up on her silly comment.

Paintedhandprints · 07/07/2016 17:08

Gah! I have 2 boys. We always planned to have 2 children because that's what dh and I wanted. Mother is now going on about having another to try for a girl. As if you can just order them. Angry She's never satisfied. Dbro has just provided her with a dgd as well! I think she does it deliberately because she knows it pisses me off. Started on about it when I got married. Assuming we would have a baby (we had planned to try but that's not any of her business) and going on and on.
She wonders why I don't visit very often.

Alohamora · 07/07/2016 17:09

I have 4 DS's. You can imagine the horror that's met with! I still get asked asked when we're trying again (never) and one person, on first meeting, asked me if I was disappointed to have all boys? Others tell me I must have my work cut out. The worst was a colleague telling that crap about 'a son's a son 'til he takes a wife but a daughter's a daughter all your life' which I found incredibly offensive.

All of it pisses me off no end. OP YANBU.

MrsDeVere · 07/07/2016 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigsDOfly · 07/07/2016 17:12

It was a silly thing for her to say, but probably not meant in the way you took it and as pps have said, had you had 2 girls and the baby had been a boy she'd have said it about the boy.

Had she said to you 'cuddle the baby girl because you must be so sad never having the chance to cuddle a precious little girl' then your hurt and annoyance would have been justified but she didn't. I think you're being a bit oversensitive.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 07/07/2016 17:15

That saying "a son is son until he gets a wife and daughter is a daughter for life" is a load of crap because I never see my mum and my relationship with her is not this stereotypical "best friend" relationship.

BeMorePanda · 07/07/2016 17:21

it's not like having a son has ever been valued above having a daughter by anyone in particular or society at large is it?

............ oh

Confused

Seriously I think everyone is reading far too much into this. people say stupid things all the time. This is one of them.

Lymmmummy · 07/07/2016 17:23

A bit insensitive - but you do have 2 lovely boysSmile

I think whatever your situation there is some insensitive idiot always ready with the wring words - eg forcing babies at those with fertility issues or no partner or hinting about when they are going to have the next one to those only able to have one child or equally those who have several children getting it in the neck .

I just don't think there is any need to make a judgement type comment in these sorts of ways at all - but that is just me

ipsogenix · 07/07/2016 17:26

Is it possible that the lady has touched a nerve? Maybe it good to realise that that is a place where you do feel hurt and give those feelings a good spring clean?

user1467101855 · 07/07/2016 17:29

I see it all the time on MN. This 'everyone hates boy' idea. I have never experienced it in RL

thats nice for you that you haven't, but it doesn't make other peoples experiences of it any less valid.

Lots of people say it would be the same if you had girls about a boy, but in my experience that is not true. It is specifically daughters that I have been told that women need to have, because boys just aren't the same, they won't love when you're old and all that guff. Pure bollocks of course, but they seem to mean what they say.

yaaasqueen · 07/07/2016 17:31

Don't worry I'm sure all your precious boys will grow up assured by society that they're Very Special Indeed Wink

lottiegarbanzo · 07/07/2016 17:32

OP, you sound as though you are suffering from 'British syndrome' whereby you veer between silent simmering and explosion, with no calm, everyday assertiveness in between.

Surely when your colleagues take about girls being better, you calmly state your view that they're not and boys are great? They acknowledge your point and admit they're just airing a personal preference, or a view based on limited experience?

If not, why on earth not? Really, I think if people would just articulate their points of view, politely but as firmly as necessary, they wouldn't waste so much precious time and energy dwelling on trivial nonsense afterwards. Deal and move on.

jellycat1 · 07/07/2016 17:33

Really? I never heard that. I thought people wanted boys! I did! I'm sure it was a careless comment rather than a bitchy one. It's obviously not important to her so she didn't think.

jellycat1 · 07/07/2016 17:35

Great post lottie! If only.

corythatwas · 07/07/2016 17:36

user, plenty of people are ready to commiserate with parents for having a daughter, because girls are so manipulative and bitchy, not lovely and straightforward like boys, you know...

my MIL said it when dd was newborn

so glad that she had only had boys

I still love my MIL- it was a momentary slip from her usual high standard

but you do hear it a lot, not least on MN

namechangedtoday15 · 07/07/2016 17:37

OP think you're being overly sensitive. She probably didn't mean anything by it, its just one of those silly assumptions that people make, and apologised because you're making a big deal out of it.

I have also never experienced anyone ever suggesting that a boy was a consolation price. Certainly of our close friends, lots of the Dads (and mums) love having boys because they gel over sport / re-live their youth on the sidelines of the football / rugby pitch ever week.

I had b/g twins - lots of "one of each - perfect / ready made family" comments when in fact I wanted 2 the same initially. When Number 3 arrived (girl), lots of silly comments about "oh she'll be left out", "the boy will be left out", "you can't have 3 children - its an odd number", plus of course the whole "why".

Its just small talk when people hover over new babies - I agree with a previous poster who said you have to toughen up if you're going to be hurt or offended by silly little comments like this.

Griphook · 07/07/2016 17:39

Lots of people say it would be the same if you had girls about a boy, but in my experience that is not true. It is specifically daughters that I have been told that women need to have, because boys just aren't the same, they won't love when you're old and all that guff. Pure bollocks of course, but they seem to mean what they say.

This, says it better than I did

caju · 07/07/2016 17:40

You are being overly sensitive. It was just an off-the-cuff comment.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 07/07/2016 17:41

yaaasqueen Are you being sarcastic or nice there as I'm not sure? Confused

MrsDeVere · 07/07/2016 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Porcupinetree · 07/07/2016 17:43

I would usually say YABU she probably didn't mean anything by it BUT...
Since I've announced this pregnancy all I've heard is "I bet you want another little girl"