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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The daughter you never had.

140 replies

Flash13 · 07/07/2016 15:28

Colleague has just had a baby daughter, and she brought her in to work so that the workforce can have a cuddle with the little lady.
My AIBU is, as another colleague passed the baby on to me to have a quick squeeze she said to me "here Flash13, pretend she's the daughter you never had." I have two gorgeous little boys and I take serious offence to people acting like they aren't as precious as little girls. So I flashed at her and said " that's was a horrible thing to say."
Afterwards she apologised and said she didn't mean it the way it sounded. But to be honest I am still hurt. I think so many people, women especially, make out as though your family isn't perfect, unless you have a little girl.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 07/07/2016 16:11

Agree YANBU - so rude!

I would feel most offended by the implication that I was going to pretend someone else's baby was mine. I have never wanted any one else's babies! I only ever wanted my own.

Friolero · 07/07/2016 16:13

YANBU
I've got three boys and have come across this attitude a few times, that girls are somehow better than boys and anyone with boys only must be pining for a girl. I got lots of pitying comments when pregnant with DS3 and when people found out he was (shock horror) ANOTHER BOY!! Get fed up with being asked if I'll try again for a girl or if I'm disappointed I didn't have a girl. I usually reply something along the lines of "I have three gorgeous boys, why on earth would I be disappointed?".

Try and ignore what your colleague said op - you have the perfect family so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

OhPuddleducks · 07/07/2016 16:16

I think everyone assumes people with more than one child would like a mix of boys and girls. I have one of each but I remember thinking when I was pregnant with DS that it would be easier to have a girl as I vaguely knew where I was with girls. No one believed me. You still get weird questions about it even when you have a mix. My frimom bed with two boys once said to me, "don't you love boys? They cuddle you because they want a cuddle and not just because they want something from you." I was shocked! Equally I've have friends with all girls say "aren't little boys are just so violent. I bet you're glad you have DD."

She upset you. That's not nice. You pointed it out and she apologised. I'd forget about it now.

OhPuddleducks · 07/07/2016 16:17

Frimom bed?? Friend!

Diddlydokey · 07/07/2016 16:18

Depending on my mood I could have cried on her

I love my boy but I would only plan another child if I could guarantee it was a girl who was going to sleep at least occasionally as an infant

I know lots will disagree and have many an anecdote but I think girls tend to stick around a little bit more when they grow up. I wouldn't want my child to feel a duty to stay nearby but girls seem more likely to do so.

Trulyyou · 07/07/2016 16:22

I understand. V annoying. There's a facebookthink doing the rounds st moment about God giving women a daughter so they have a lifelong friend or something along those lines.
I ignored it and moved on.

JinnyGreenTeeth · 07/07/2016 16:25

Oh, you wouldn't believe the guff I had from my two SILs when it emerged that my only child - and the only child they knew I would be having - was a boy. I genuinely had no sex preference, but they both made no secret of having 'kept going until they got their girls' and assumed, on no evidence that I was crushed! One of them actually sent me Interflora flowers after the 20 week scan and a commiserating note saying we didn't always get what we wanted, as if I'd just discovered my baby had a terminal disease.

I've often thought it's no coincidence that both SILs, both of whom have two boys and a youngest girl -now all well into adulthood - each have two delightful boys who've done interesting things with their lives and are really, really nice guys, and one spoilt, lazy, princessy girl each. Both were so focused on 'getting their girl', as they put it, that they indulged their daughters and treated them completely differently to their sons.

WhooooAmI24601 · 07/07/2016 16:25

I think you're well within your rights to still be hurt; it was such an unkind thing to say. But she acknowledged her mistake and apologised, and hopefully won't say such silly stuff to anyone else.

I have two boys and when pregnant with DS2 people would say "are you desperate for a girl" and "such a shame he's another boy" when he arrived. I used to reply "Yes, we were hoping for a kitten but you get what you get". DH says I was rude but commenting on people's children is downright rude. I've never met anyone in real life who wasn't just bloody grateful for their wonderful DCs regardless of gender.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 07/07/2016 16:26

Honestly I think it is just something people say to make small talk, I don't let it get to me.
On a personal note, I always wanted to have a girl and I think if I had had two boys I would have wanted a third one to "try" for a girl, so maybe your colleague was just projecting her personal expectations on you.

JinnyGreenTeeth · 07/07/2016 16:27

And you don't think that's because society still expects daughters to be dutiful carers and caretakers of family relationships, whereas you hear of very few sons giving up work in order to care for ageing or ill family members?

ShatnersBassoon · 07/07/2016 16:28

Ugh, I hate this. It does work both ways though, if you only had girls, people assume you're pining for a boy.

MIL once said to my mum "Mr ShatnersBassoon is the son you never had..." Quick as a flash my mum replied, "...and never wanted," which made me and DH laugh a lot more than we should have done given MIL's face

Headofthehive55 · 07/07/2016 16:28

One of my work colleagues kept on saying oh I've got I've of each there isn't any others to have...

Those of us with two of the same sex know that is a silly statement....

GColdtimer · 07/07/2016 16:30

Sometimes people just say stuff without thinking. I have two girls, people often say things like that to me, I just say oh no, perfectly happy with my two girls thanks.

A bit thoughtless but she did apologise. I sometime open my mouth without thinking and instantly regret it!

Griphook · 07/07/2016 16:33

Yanbu, I feel exactly the same as you. I have 2 boys. I would have said exactly the same as you and probably more. IMHO boys are seen as a consolation prize.

Over the years I've listened to lots of people opinions on how I must be disappointed that I have 2 boys.

A lady at work smugly told me that 'they' say the happiest family is 2 girls. And that's s fact!!

You were right to challenge her, don't let people get away with the outed crap.

I also feel very strongly about the subject.

MummyIsMyFavouriteName · 07/07/2016 16:37

I was working with someone who was due her 20 week scan to find out the gender. Some of our colleagues were discussing what they thought the baby would be (both had boys) with her and said that she should hope it was a boy because they give lots of cuddles whereas girls are indifferent. I got incredibly cross and told them that my DD gives the best cuddles and never just because she wants something either.

When I have another DC, I would like a boy but if we have another girl, I will be over the moon even still. I won't need time to get over my disappointment, I will head straight out to buy a tiny dress like I did after we found out our first was a girl.

We want 3 DCs but my DP has already said that we will just keep going until we get a boy... He would have said we'll keep going for a girl if DD had been a boy though and he loves his daddy's girl more than anything.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 07/07/2016 16:40

So boys are more violent?
My sister and I fought like cats in a sack, pretty much constantly. I still have the scars....
I have two boys. I didn't escape from this attitude as when I brought my 2nd child home for the first time after a week in hospital and feeling wobbly after a truly horrific birth, I was accosted by one of my neighbours who asked me pretty much straight away if I was going to have any more. Weird thing to say when you've only just had one - but then she is a little odd!
I said no and she looked shocked and said "Aren't you going to try for a girl?"
Why? I wanted two children. I have two children. I'm lucky that they're both healthy, thriving and generally get on with each other. I love them both, that's what matters, isn't it?

MunchCrunch01 · 07/07/2016 16:43

most people don't mean any real harm by these comments though, if you're happy with what you have, why does it matter? I'd have cuddled that baby and focused on remembering the glory days when mine were tiny and told boring stories about them ad nauseam, given the new mum the benefit of my 'experience', why waste time worrying about a silly comment?

3perfectweemen · 07/07/2016 16:44

Yanbu I have three boys and my last pregnancy people asked was it a girl I said boy and they were so disappointed for me? WTF once the baby in your arms nobody could replace even with ten baby girls. I hate this too.

CPtart · 07/07/2016 16:50

Grip- you can tell your colleague that what's a 'fact' is that men are far more likely to leave the family unit if his offspring are solely female. There's a wealth of research to back that up too.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 07/07/2016 16:50

I have two girls and sometimes I've been asked if I would have liked a boy as well. Um, no. I wanted two children, which is exactly what I got. Gender irrelevant.

People can be weird. Best to move on, I think.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 07/07/2016 16:55

This winds me up, partly because I get it from people who KNOW that my only daughter died at birth. I feel incredibly lucky to have four healthy sons and I could cheerfully rip the throats out of people who give my pitying looks and ask if I think I've got time for one more try before I'm too old.
Obviously I wish my daughter hadn't died, every hour of every day, but in no way, not even for a second, have I thought that my children were in any way lesser people because of their biological sex.

EightYearsWasted · 07/07/2016 16:58

My ExMIL asked my Mum if she was disappointed I'd had a boy as my sister already had 2 DSs, therefore 3 Grandsons. Mum, bless her, laughed in her face.

SlowJinn · 07/07/2016 16:59

My second son was 10 days old when some bloke (with his perfect boy and girl combo) commiserated with me about my bad luck in having another boy. I have never forgotten how shocked and hurt I was - it never occurred to me that having another child of the same sex was something to be sorry about. Some people are thoughtless arseholes.

diddl · 07/07/2016 17:00

That is such an odd thing to say.

If she didn't mean to offend, what the hell did she mean??

zippyswife · 07/07/2016 17:01

Some people are dicks. Just ignore it.

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