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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
YumBountyChoc · 16/05/2016 20:17

I was in hospital for a week after my DD was born and no-one visited at all bar DH. It was very overwhelming for both DD and I when we eventually came home and everyone descended on our small flat.

I'd say do what you want. Tell them no, but that if you feel up to it you'll let them know.

I wished I'd have put my foot down with my mum when I came home, because one day I had 6 visitors at a time, and I just wanted to sleep and feed my baby.

Good Luck with the birth.

thatorchidmoment · 16/05/2016 20:19

YANBU. I really regret not doing things differently when I had my first. I had so many people just rocking up in those first precious weeks (first grandchild on both sides, and we live hours from any family so they all stayed). My SIL actually said, "I'm coming and there is nothing you can do to stop me". I nearly collapsed with the strain. My DH was pretty oblivious to the pressure it put me under until I was pregnant with no2 and had a meltdown over the possibility of a repeat performance from his family.
So Flowers and stay firm! This is first and foremost your baby, and anyone that is not going to make your life easier in those newborn days is not to impose upon you!
Get yourself an effective gatekeeper to field the visitors, preferably your DH.

SoddingPufflers · 16/05/2016 20:20

I think it is quite normal for grandparents to want see a new grandchild in the first few days, even if just for an hour or so. I am always bemused by these threads where everyone insists they should stay away for 3 weeks or so.

Ilovewillow · 16/05/2016 20:20

We live some distance from all relatives so not so much of an issue for us but my sister and BIL had a baby moon! The grandparents were allowed to visit once after the birth but thereafter they didn't see anyone for two weeks! They forewarned everyone and although MIL was not ecstatic it all went well! Perhaps you could try this approach!

IthinkIamsinking · 16/05/2016 20:23

I think GP's at least should be able to have a short visit

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/05/2016 20:27

I think it would be unfair to say. They can't visit. Especially your MIL. She'll be dying to get her hands on your little bundle (her grand bundle). It's a bit unfair to say. She's got to wait a week. When my nephew was born. I was down there about 20 minutes later. Cuddling him and kissing the face off him. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away. I'd have been nuclear if they tried.
And yes your MIL will feel put out if your mum is the included abd she isn't. Imagine this senario. You're blessed with a son. 25 years into the future his wife/girlfriend announces. She's pregnant. Brilliant news. How would you feel if she said. I don't want you to visit until a week after the birth. Pretty hurt. I imagine.
I hope I haven't upset you, but you did ask.

flumpybear · 16/05/2016 20:28

Why not ask if your family can host a party or afternoon tea or something at their houses and you'll take the new baby along

TheLambShankRedemption · 16/05/2016 20:29

Agree on short visit each for GPs if that's all that you are willing to offer, total ban for a week seems excessive at what should be a very exciting joyous occasion for them too.

megletthesecond · 16/05/2016 20:31

Yanbu. I sorely regret not knowing this with dc1 and found out the hard way. I cracked down on visitors for dc2, much better experience and recovery.

sepa · 16/05/2016 20:31

You have to decide when you have had the baby. I had a horrendous birth big still wanted close family (parents/brothers/sisters) to meet my LO. I didn't have any other visitors for over a week after LO arrived and even then it was limited amount of people until she was over 2 weeks old.
I personally couldn't wait for our close family to meet my DD though. Everyone else I wasn't fussed.

See how you feel, let close family know now though that this is what you want so it's by first said when baby is here!

Good luck with your birth!

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:31

Thanks for your replies :)

I do agree GPs should see baby but is a week really that hard to wait? There will be 3 sets of GPs so that's at least 3 different visits Sad.

I can sense there will be some sort of fall out... My parents who think they have priority as they are the mothers parents (I have already has words about this) and OHs mum who thinks if she's not involved 24/7, we're pushing everyone away and isolating ourselves!

OP posts:
peachlife · 16/05/2016 20:32

We had our DD 13 weeks ago - and had almost exactly the same worries and planning issues. I am the one with a big family, we have 4 sets of new Grandparents and this is the first Grandchild....I am an only child so everyone VERY excited!.

We said No visitors - and we would let them know as soon as we were on our feet enough to have people over....and I am VERY glad we did it that way. You could say a week - that seems a good timeframe. I wouldn't say "if any sooner we will let you know...." as they could then be "Can we yet?, can we?". Just say a week - and then if you do feel well you could give them the nod.

As it transpired I felt pretty poorly afterwards and really wanted my Mum to come (much to my own surprise really) - so we called her after a couple of days and she came to stay for a few days. I didn't feel up to seeing anyone other than my Mum - and couldn't have faced other visitors. My DP was very supportive. I was a little concerned about putting MIL out - with having my Mum first - but at the end of the day I needed to do what was best for me and therefore bubs - and as a Mum herself who has been through it and a woman - I expected MIL to appreciate that and understand....which she did. DP explained gently to her and I am sure that helped.

We also made sure it was only one visit per day - so not one set of people in, followed by another etc. Only one set of visitors at a time. That was definitely all I could cope with - I really didn't enjoy my newborn being passed around in those early days.

Good luck with everything! xx

selsigfach · 16/05/2016 20:32

Absolutely outrageous that ilive was hogging a 20-minute old baby. Not even my husband wanted to take my baby when she was minutes old as he rightly knew that just born babies need their mothers!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2016 20:32

I think it would be very very hard for your mil, if you involve your mum.

switswoo81 · 16/05/2016 20:33

One of the happiest moments in the whole birthing experience was seeing my dad with my tiny newborn. Family were my crutch the first year when friends had their own busy lives. First grandchild too and she has brought new life to their lives.their words not mine!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/05/2016 20:34

A week's wait would be like waiting a century at an exciting time like that

TheNaze73 · 16/05/2016 20:34

YANBU. Your baby, your call

ohidoliketobe · 16/05/2016 20:35

I categorically stated that I didn't want any visitors and in fact I wasn't even going to tell anyone (other than DH obviously) when I was in labour. Just expect a phone call when baby's born and I'll let you know when we're settled at home I told my parents and instructed DH to tell his the same.

I started with contractions in the early hours and rang my mum to tell her the minute I thought it was a reasonable time to do so, kept her updated throughout and begged her and my dad to come to the next visiting time after DS had been born!

PIL/ SIL etc all descended on our first weekend but I just used it as an excuse to go and sleep for a few hours and told them to make their own drinks as DH was in charge of baby (just brought DS up to me for feeds).
Be firm about what you want but all I'm saying is you might feel totally different when it actually happens.

selsigfach · 16/05/2016 20:36

Yanbu, btw, I said two weeks. My husband works away all week so I wasn't going to waste his precious two weeks at home making tea for Aunty Mildred.

Drbint · 16/05/2016 20:36

When my nephew was born. I was down there about 20 minutes later. Cuddling him and kissing the face off him. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away. I'd have been nuclear if they tried.

Really? I'd have gone nuclear had you done that to me when I'd asked you to wait. How fucking selfish.

Thataintnoetchasketch · 16/05/2016 20:41

Do what you feel most comfortable with. I got home 12 hours after DS was born. I hadn't slept in three days, I was all stitched up & woozy after the birth and ten minutes after getting home my sister arrived with her boyfriend who I barely know & didn't even say hello! We hadn't known they were even coming, then my mum & dad rocked up with my gran, my aunt & uncle and my cousin in tow. Meanwhile DS is getting passed around everybody & in between I was trying to get to grips with breast feeding! It was awful! I wish we'd at least said no visitors until the following day & 2 visitors max until I felt better.

RatherBeRiding · 16/05/2016 20:41

No of course YANBU! A week is nothing - if they have to wait then they have to wait. Having people in your space if you are feeling tired/sore/emotional/struggling with lack of sleep/establishing BF will not benefit you or the baby. Because although they MAY makes themselves useful and do the washing,make you some something to eat, run round with the hoover they may also expect cups of tea and "chat" when all you want to do is slob out on the sofa in your dressing gown!

If you want a week's grace then that's your prerogative. Don't get into a debate about it - simply state that this is how it will be.

And if the birth goes swimmingly and you feel like visitors straight away - then that's a bonus for the GPs. But don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into something you're not comfortable with. The baby isn't going anyway and will still be there after a week!

ChicRock · 16/05/2016 20:43

I think 3 sets of grandparents visits in the first week is reasonable, everyone else can wait until you're ready.

Don't make this into an issue before it's even happened. I don't see the point in setting a timeframe now, you don't know how you'll feel. Tbh I couldn't wait to show DS off after he was born. All of our visitors were really considerate, checked it was ok, stayed less than an hour and brought cake or lasagne Grin. It was about 2 weeks after the birth that I came down off a high and the sleepless nights really kicked in.

HouseOfBiscuits · 16/05/2016 20:44

If you're having a hospital birth, you can ask them not to let visitors in unless you say so.

Once you're back at home, you don't have to let anyone in - if they've had a wasted journey even though you said not to visit yet, that's their own fault.

I'm sure you will have GPs to visit as soon as you're up to it, but they don't need to stay long. You could have a time limit in mind and invite them for longer another time soon.

houseeveryweekend · 16/05/2016 20:44

its up to you completely and if people react angrily even GPs its they that are being twats. I didnt let anyone see me except my partner for two days, then i let my parents see me and baby. I didnt let my partners parents see me for two weeks and even then they came for an hour and held the baby but i stayed in bed and didnt see them.
No one was angry because reasonable people know that it can be a very difficult time and if the mother doesnt want to see anyone that is what you respect!