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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
2pandasandapig · 16/05/2016 21:34

I was the complete opposite to most people it seems - I inly had 9 hours in hospital after my first was born and in that time I had both sets of parents and my sil visit and when I got home I had them all at home along with 5 friends! Tbh I loved it, I made a meal for everyone and we had a lovely time. Just wanted to say that not everyone finds visitors post birth a nightmare so if I was you op I'd wait and see how you feel before you make any decisions (oh and for what it's worth I'm not a hugely social person and love my own space).

HumphreyCobblers · 16/05/2016 21:35

"We have nothing but happy memories of those first few days after our babies were born, because we had so many visitors. I sat on the sofa and enjoyed all the attention. Dh made tea/poured champagne - it was all wonderful."

But it might not be wonderful for other people - surely this is not too hard to understand? I was poleaxed by my first and third babies. Visitors overstaying their welcome were the last straw, I remember one lot who stayed five hours, which were co-incidentally the only five hours our new baby slept in the whole twenty four. I was a hormonal and upset WRECK after my third and cried behind the bathroom door when I came home from hospital and lots of family turned up....and I like my family! It just wasn't right.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/05/2016 21:35

It's natural to want your own mum (if anyone) but it'd be kind to let your in laws make a short visit. That is, unless they're the sort of people you feel you have to tidy up for. You can do without anyone like that in the early days. The best visitors post baby are those who bring lunch and see to everything while you stay put on the sofa. And who don't need hints about when to take themselves off.

MissBattleaxe · 16/05/2016 21:37

Elizabeth- I loved having my family meet my babies, but they all waited until I said I was ready ( it wasn't long!). People should wait until the new parents are ready, not just descend- no matter how exciting it is. They seem to forget a new mother is in recovery from a major physical event, not just a background character holding the baby.

zipzap makes a good point in saying that women used to have much longer to recover. These days, they're turfed out ASAP and everybody assumes it's because they've recovered already. They haven't! They're expected to recover at home. That doesn't mean making tea and slicing cake for in laws.

CodyKing · 16/05/2016 21:38

When my nephew was born. I was down there about 20 minutes later. Cuddling him and kissing the face off him. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away. I'd have been nuclear if they tried.

that is truly horrific.

TheBriscoesLady · 16/05/2016 21:39

Sorry, also meant to add (to that stupidly long post) , think about what might happen with DC2. Presumably you'll need someone to look after DC1 while you're in labour/at the hospital etc so how will you manage this 'protected' time with your new baby? Will it be less important with DC2? Will you still want to sequester the new baby away? If not, why not? If so, how are you going to manage the handover of DC1? 'Thanks for looking after him/her, we'll take them back now but no you can't have a quick glimpse / hold / cuddle with DC2'?

I don't mean to sound snarky here, but if you would approach DC2's birth differently from DC1's, it might be worth exploring why

pearlylum · 16/05/2016 21:39

Everyone is different.

I was only in hospital for a few hours having my babies.

When my youngest was born I did have visitors come to the house the next day but I wasn't in- OH was already back at work and I had a weekly shop at Tesco to do.
So pushing a toddler and an 18 hour baby around the aisles.
MIL had to put a note through the door to say she had called around.

Headofthehive55 · 16/05/2016 21:39

You don't know how you will feel. Three babies I had, I was out and about a couple of days later..breastfeeding was easy..It just worked..you might be sat there wondering what the fuss about not having visitors. Best not to be very prescriptive. If these three had come on a school day I would have not hesitated to do the school run a couple of days later.
Fingers crossed for you!

Buckinbronco · 16/05/2016 21:40

Ah yes briscoes newborns are dull. Lovely to look at, but screechy pooey milk machines. No need to be all previous snowflake about it. It's not hard for the first week (comparatively)

But one think I did learn when I had my babies is people have different coping levels. Some are really low. But I suspect you'll know if that's you because you'll think everything is hard now too

Oysterbabe · 16/05/2016 21:41

As a FTM I just wouldn't have felt comfortable having an audience while I tried to wrestle my nipple into my reluctant, pre-terms baby's mouth. That's pretty much all I did for the first week at least.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 21:41

I do think everyone is different, Just because I have a different view on visitors doesn't make me 'weird'.

I don't like being the centre of attention so don't relish in a house full of visiors! I'm not particularly sociable so just because some people think it's lovely to have people waiting at home for them doesn't mean I'd love it!

OP posts:
Buckinbronco · 16/05/2016 21:41

This is your parents though? Is that how you feel about them?

AcrossthePond55 · 16/05/2016 21:43

When my cousin had her first she and her DH finally put a sign out front of their house that said "(Baby's name) visiting hours are to " and they refused to answer their door other than during those hours. I lived across the street from her and there was a steady stream of cars from the day they got home until they put the sign up. Both she and her DH came from large families.

When I had DS1 we limited the visitors to my parents, my iLs, my BFF, and my sister for the first two weeks. 'Luckily' (if you can think of it like that) DS1 was premature, healthy just small, so we just said that his doctor said 'no visitors'. By the time DS2 came along we had moved away from our extended family so just the grandparents and my BFF came calling in the early days.

I think you're entirely right to limit visitors. But I wouldn't say my mum or parents could come, but not my iLs. You just need to remember that you have the absolute right to take the baby and yourself into the bedroom and lock the door at any time for any length of time for any reason or no reason at all. And that you do not need to 'play hostess' for anyone, either.

pearlylum · 16/05/2016 21:45

When my nephew was born. I was down there about 20 minutes later. Cuddling him and kissing the face off him. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away. I'd have been nuclear if they tried.

How unsavoury, if anyone had tried this with my newborns I would be livid.

Tribblewithoutacause · 16/05/2016 21:45

I feel like it's a bit mean to say to GP's to stay away for a week.

I'd personally be quite happy to have them over for an hour or two just to meet and greet their new Grandchild. It doesn't have to be a huge deal, just be very firm and say 'kettles over there, help yourself' and ask them to bring a meal round.

Headofthehive55 · 16/05/2016 21:45

I'm not sociable either. Hate parties! I thought I'd be worried about breastfeeding in front of people, but I didn't. At all.

CodyKing · 16/05/2016 21:46

I would have been upset and hurt.

All about you then?

ElizabethG81 · 16/05/2016 21:46

I think if you do impose any kind of "visiting ban" or waiting time, you need to be very open with the GPs about why - I think just being told that they couldn't visit a new grandchild for the first week would be really hurtful for grandparents.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 21:47

No I don't mind my parents so much but I would feel horrible saying 'leave my 15 year old sister at home'... Then if I let my family come, I'd have to let OHs mum and then his dad and his 6 siblings!

OP posts:
Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 21:48

Of course I'd explain my reasoning to people, I'm not just going to say 'No visitors!' and leave it at that!

OP posts:
OneMagnumisneverenough · 16/05/2016 21:50

Personally I think YABU.

I really don't know what all this is about.

People are excited and want to see the baby - you need to be clear and limit the length of visits but not to allow the grandparents and close relatives to see the baby is cruel and unnecessary. By all means stay in your room if you want and let your DH show the baby off to everyone.

TheBriscoesLady · 16/05/2016 21:51

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you are weird OP. I can only give you my perspective through the lens of my own experiences and knowledge of the potential visitors etc. Perhaps you have a really overbearing family (my mother in law isn't great with boundaries but I was so high on endorphins and pain meds, I was confident I could put her in her place if necessary!)

Buckinbronco · 16/05/2016 21:51

But what will you say? No visitors, you'll annoy us? We don't want you or need you?

Headofthehive55 · 16/05/2016 21:54

We travelled across the country to see our niece within 24 hrs. She's an adult now but she speaks of this fact fondly. she tells me she loves the fact I made the effort to drop everything to go and see her so soon.

coconutpie · 16/05/2016 21:56

Bloody heck, ilive sounds like a new mother's worst nightmare. Kissing the face off a 20 MINUTE old newborn? Going nuclear if ilive wasn't allowed to do so? Fucking hell. I would've banned you from the delivery room, how fucking selfish.

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