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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 22/05/2016 21:02

In an awful lot of cultures women especially young women are expected to know their place and be walked all over. I don't think other cultures, especially ones where young women have no status are good examples. There are years and years for relatives to visit. It's 1 week not 1 year. If my kids told me know grandchild for 1 week I'd hope they'd send me a photo (although all tiny babies look similar) and would be keen on establishing a good relationship long term rather than going for a short term power struggle.

2rebecca · 22/05/2016 21:03

No grandchild not know. Typing does weird things to my spelling.

WindPowerRanger · 23/05/2016 14:09

I don't think other cultures, especially ones where young women have no status are good examples.

Who says that is the case in the one I was referring to?

TrippleBlessed · 24/05/2016 10:31

YABU, a birth is a happy and joyous occasion. You're going to start off the new addition to the family in a negative way, even for a week. They'll only come for a couple of hours, theyre not going to move in! You'll have all day and night to bond with baby (trust me). My DS was first grandchild, goodness it was like the whole world wanted to come by, although I was tired the visitors gave me energy. There was so much love around, which I 'could've' ruined had I said please give me a week, by upsetting people - especially grandparents. People are excited but also understanding, get them to make you endless cups of tea, bring cooked food...help with a bit of housework Wink Don't overthink OP enjoy...a new birth is magical.

TrippleBlessed · 24/05/2016 10:38

Feel for you Equinox

TeaandCake8 · 24/05/2016 14:32

Equinox more thoughts & Flowers to you

Primaryteach87 · 26/05/2016 22:56

My parents came immediately because I was in a very bad way, but to be honest the focus was on me not the baby, since I was touch & go.

My in laws came about 8 days after the birth as I really wasn't well and couldn't cope with visitors. They didn't make any fuss about this. When they did come, they cooked me dinner and then both hubby and I went to bed while they held the baby. Bliss.

So blessed to have lovely family who didn't put pressure on.

As a result, we see lots of both grandparents even though we don't live nearby.

The reality is having a baby is a huge physical thing for the mum and not just about the baby. My mother in law totally 'got' that and we have a great relationship, made closer by how understanding she was.

I do think grandparents need to be a bit less scared that if they don't see the baby on the first week, then somehow their place as grandparents is lost. It's not. Respect and support your daught or daughter in law and in will pay dividends!!

Pritti7 · 27/05/2016 03:38

can you not ask both M-i-l and mum to help out. Or m-i-l will definitely feel left out and angry. Its her grandchild too, surely she'd want to be around.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 27/05/2016 07:38

No I wouldn't feel comfortable with MIL.. We don't know each other well enough for her to be here when I'll be having my boobs out, bleeding, wearing my slobs, peeing myself etc!

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 27/05/2016 07:51

What makes you think you will be peeing yourself?

Just out of interest.

EquinoxBloom · 27/05/2016 07:52

I would have thought that giving birth to her grandchild would be the perfect time to get to know her better.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 27/05/2016 08:03

I've got an incredibly weak bladder, even before pregnancy. I need to be referred for physiotherapy but the doctor said that I'll have to wait until after birth because it's going to get a lot worse! Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 27/05/2016 08:04

Yes that may be, but that doesn't have to be immediately following birth.. I want to feel comfortable in my own home without feeling on edge :)

OP posts:
Squiff15 · 27/05/2016 08:19

So arrange a brief visit for her to meet to baby then say you'll be in touch when you are feeling up to it. If you /your DH are prepared to police NO visitor you shoyld be able to police only MIL/FIL not their wider families and be able to say "time to go now" when you've had enough/need to feed the baby etc. If you have reason to believe they won't go when asked to then try to get a visit in before you leave hospital as you will have staff to back you up. People will understand that you want a bit of time to get back on your feet but they will be excited and are less likely to be breathing down your neck if they get a little visit in. Good luck - you may find that you are desperate to show off your gorgeous little bundle.

Sallystyle · 27/05/2016 08:27

I didn't pee myself after labour, but 5 children later it happens Grin

WandaFuca · 28/05/2016 23:46

I’ve just looked back through my journal. We first met our grandchild three weeks after he was born. That was when we were invited to visit by DD and DSiL. They’d had a horrendous birth experience, and then were struggling with breastfeeding and reflux. Support was by phone, on one occasion in the middle of the night; and, yes, there were times when I slept on the sofa to be close to the phone. I really, really wanted to be there for her, but I know my daughter well. She wanted to feel she was beginning to function as a mother before she had visitors.

I was able to back off, but be supportive, probably because of my mother’s attitude. My daughter was my first, but was the second grandchild for my parents. (My sister had given birth to her first-born six weeks before me.) At that time, first-time mothers stayed in hospital for ten days. Visiting hours were restricted – grandparents could visit on Thursday and Sunday evenings. My parents got to visit my sister and baby at the first opportunity.

My parents-in-law were a lot older than my parents, quite elderly and not in good health, and DD was their first grandchild. I said to my mother that I wanted my parents-in-law to be the first to visit, because they had hoped for over a decade to be grandparents. I got the cat’s bum look for that because she regarded herself as having first dibs, being the mother of the mother. No empathy whatsoever for my PiLs.

There’s a difference between wanting to see a newborn, and wanting to be the “first”. One is just for the sheer gorgeousness, and the other is for the ego.

LilQueenie · 29/05/2016 00:04

yanbu dont tell them when you go into hospital/labour. Tell them of the babys arrival, weight and so on when you are ready for visitors that way you are in control.If they get the hump they were not told immediately remind them that their 'wants' of going against your wishes were not welcome and if they persist in being a pain during visits dont let them back till they grow up. Seriously people lose their head over babies and yet forget all we go through as new mothers.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 29/05/2016 09:11

Perhaps it was a mistake to decide that there had to be a 'first visitor' *Wanda"?

Maybe your mum felt hurt that you didn't want to see her at the first opportunity. My mum came to see me on the first evening for two minutes and barely looked at the baby. Her reason for being there was to satisfy herself that her own dd was in one piece and I understood that.

pinkladyapple · 29/05/2016 09:24

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and some of the replies on here are making me angry. The OP does not owe anyone a visit when they want to - if she wants to have a week or a few days without any visitors, particularly if they're not very close family... new parents do not OWE relatives a cuddle with a baby when the relatives want, its up to the new parents.

My OH has an aunt who I have only met a few times at large family get-togethers and a funeral when she hurt a lot of the family with her comments. When talking about names she said one possible choice of ours was 'a disgusting name' but also said she can't wait to come round after the birth. Oh I really, really hope she makes an unannounced visit. Angry

I have no problem with my OH's immediate family coming in the first few days as they have already promised to bring cooked food each day, make their own drinks and help with housework - we all live within 5 minutes of each other and are a close family.

I do completely understand the OP though with what sounds like much more distant relatives - if they're the kind who expect a cuddle from the baby and to have a drink made for them, and won't help you at all then they can wait until it suits you. And don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Just tell them "I'm sure you understand we are still adjusting and want to get settled before we have guests round. How is next Tuesday?" for example.

Rainbowsdohappen · 30/05/2016 21:57

Op you have to do what's right for you.

It just seems so clinical to say no visitors...sorry to be annoying

Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope all goes well for you

hanban89 · 30/05/2016 22:55

YANBU
But I would say to wait and see how you feel. The grandparents visited us after 24 hours while we were still in hospital. We were in for 3 days and the siblings and great grandparents took it in turns with the other visiting times. At least in the hospital the visiting times are limited.
Our first day home we said no visitors so we had a day to ourselves.
With the second we were home within hours and everyone started coming round. Every single one was full of a cough and cold and baby caught it and ended back in hospital.
If you let visitors come round certainly don't be making them hot drinks and snacks. Just say the mugs are in the cupboard and to wash up after themselves.
Do what is right for you. You might want your mum round, and mother in law will need to accept this as most of us lean on our mothers more than mother in laws.

cathf · 30/05/2016 23:13

I have not read this entire post - only the first five pages - but I felt compelled to register to respond to this post.
Yes, you are being completely unreasonable and quite frankly, I can't believe some if the comments on here supporting you
I have three children - 23, 12 and 9, and the difference between attitudes to parenting now and when my oldest was little is marked
People are so precious these days - they seem to think they are the only ones to ever have a child. Are mumzillas an extension of bridezillas?
I can't believe that anyone would be so self-centered as to stop grandparents from seeing the new arrival for a week, for no other reason I can see other than to show them who's boss.
My baby, NY rules is a phrase I hear a lot on MN - was there ever a more possessive and selfish, passive aggressive phrase?
i blame social media for this nonsense - instead of concentrating on settling down to some sort of normality asap, new mums seem to think they will be spending hours on end bonding with their baby and living a Boden lifestyle, as this is the guff they see on Facebook all the time.
Real life is not like that, sorry

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 31/05/2016 10:31

I can't believe that anyone would be so self-centered as to stop grandparents from seeing the new arrival for a week, for no other reason I can see other than to show them who's boss

Well you've got it wrong. If you're going to give an opinion, at least get your facts right first Hmm

OP posts:
cathf · 31/05/2016 17:59

I believe you said that you didn't think a week was too long to make grandparents wait?

LilQueenie · 01/06/2016 00:34

When you have overbearing grandparents having a newborn can seem more like being a surrogate mother than becoming a mum and bonding. I wish I had given it a week. Took 3 years to get my life back from overbearing relatives who made me feel useless. You want to talk about real life there you go. Every parent is different and not everyone will have the same experience.

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