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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/05/2016 20:46

When my nephew was born. I was down there about 20 minutes later. Cuddling him and kissing the face off him. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away. I'd have been nuclear if they tried.

Can you see now that really wasn't a rational response?

CocktailQueen · 16/05/2016 20:48

Bloody hell, ilive, how selfish are you?

If anyone had tried that with my newborn, I'd have been nuclear with them.

EvansOvalPies · 16/05/2016 20:48

YANBU at all! I really hate drop-in visitors at the best of times, but when DC were born, (my own family live 200 miles away, which was a shame, as they would have actually been helpful), in-laws, friends and acquaintances just dropped in whenever they felt like it. Not one person (even MIL) did anything to help - at all! Not a cup of tea, whizz the vacuum around, not a casserole in sight (all the things I do for people when they need it). MIL would drop in just to have a cuddle, and I was stitched up to the nines, barely able to walk, trying to breastfeed, having to get up and make her lunch and cups of tea. She did do some ironing for me once - then charged me

Keep them all OUT!!!!!

AlwaysDancing1234 · 16/05/2016 20:48

Make clear to them all that you will see how you feel after the birth.
It would be hard for GP's to stay away for a week though.
Between me and DH our kids have 5 sets of grandparents (due to divorces and step parents) and a huge extended family so we'd have had visitors every hour of we let them.
Be firm but fair. Any chance you can get them all to visit for just half hour or would they want to stay for hours?

wobblywonderwoman · 16/05/2016 20:49

I had my mum me and dh parents visit in hospital and I wouldn't have turned them away.

Sibling came over the week. I was fairly relaxed but was breastfeeding and It did piss me off that mil said the baby must be hungry.

AliceInHinterland · 16/05/2016 20:49

Having had a baby I would respect a new mother's decision whatever that was (including exclude me in favour of her own mother). A baby is not an object, you will both have been through a lot and are likely to need peace and quiet, time to bond and feed and rest. Why anyone else should come first is beyond me.

Adnerb95 · 16/05/2016 20:50

flumpybear

Very good idea. Have a morning/afternoon - someone else's house - to allow the grandparents to "view" and make it clear to Mum AND MIL that every alternative day for the first fortnight is a "quiet" day with no visitors.

RosieandJim89 · 16/05/2016 20:50

I think I would let them have an hour each on day 2 or 3 and then say no visitors for a week. Babies change so fast when they are tiny and will look very different on day 7 than day 1 or 2. You may look back and regret a lack of pics. I know I do and we took loads when he was tiny but rarely with anyone else.
Maybe see how you feel. I said I wouldn't have anyone at the hospital but then when I thought they may keep us an extra night both sets of grandparents came. I felt great and was pretty comfortable so was ready. You may be grateful of the company after a couple of days. Newborns don't do much!

Sidge · 16/05/2016 20:51

It's your call but I think to keep grandparents at arms length for a week or more is harsh.

Of course they should be respectful of your wishes and visits should be short and agreed by both parents and they shouldn't pitch up unannounced, but a birth is a joyous occasion and IME (I have 3 children) I couldn't wait to show off my new baby

RidersOnTheStorm · 16/05/2016 20:51

If you let your mum come then I think you would have to let the other GPs as well.

Maybe just GPs for a quick visit in the first few days then the rest a week or so later?

rmill · 16/05/2016 20:51

YANBU I think it is entirely the decision of you and your partner. Your family should support and respect that. Fwiw I thought I would want exactly the same - the thought of visitors filled me with dread and I had cold sweats thinking about it yet (after a straight forward birth) I couldn't wait to share baby and the overwhelming love for this new life and so we ended up having both sets of parents in visit within the first few days. V best for your birth!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/05/2016 20:52

No I said. If anyone tried to stop me seeing my nephew. I'd be nuclear. I didn't say. Id be nuclear. If people came to visit my newborn. If that's how you've read it.

Lambzig · 16/05/2016 20:52

I said two weeks, in fact I wanted to show DD off after about ten days, but I do think that lovely time with DD and just us was magical, so stick t your guns if that's what you want. Parents were all ok with it.

When DS was born I didn't have the luxury as my parents came to look after DD while I was having an ECS, and it was much harder to bond.

SewSlapdash · 16/05/2016 20:53

When DS was born, I got myself worked into a bit of a funk reading threads on MN about this issue. As it turned out, while I had a long labour, I had a good birth and I was dying to show DS off.

He was born on Monday and I was in MLU until Thursday. My parents live close by and my mum arrived in the afternoon visiting slot the same day (DS born early hours); she wouldn't have been allowed to visit any earlier. I was asleep when she arrived and she hadn't picked DS up because she didn't like to. ILs live 90 minutes away and came the next day. Being in hospital helped to naturally limit the visits, not least because the ward assistant pointedly offered me a cuppa and not anyone else

I would reserve judgement for now - privately and publicly - and see how you feel. Saying "at least a week" is going to be like a red rag to a bull, however reasonable it is of you to say it. You don't know how things are going to go or how you are going to feel. "We'll see" is perfectly fine for now.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 16/05/2016 20:53

I think a week is too long for the gp's tbh - or at least to stipulate that now, before you even know how you'll be feeling having given birth.

You don't have to have the world and his wife over all at once - and I think it's ok to say 'can we see how I am after the birth, and make arrangement then?' and keep visits short. Or visit them, then you can leave when you want. Depends what sort of birth you have.

Take care of yourself, and don't be bullied, but I'm a bit worried my SIL is going to be like this tbh

Comingfoccacia · 16/05/2016 20:54

Everyone is different. I was happy for my family to see my twins as soon as they arrived. We lost ds1 at just 6 days, hardly anyone got to meet him so for us it had extra meaning. I understand limiting the time but as long as your guests make themselves useful and don't expect to be waited on then I think you can all share in the happy occasion.
I do think people can be a bit precious about this kind of thing at times. Good luck.

CeeCee00 · 16/05/2016 20:54

Oh my god, YANBU at all! No one...no one...has any claim to your baby apart from you and your DH. It's insane to imply that you have to go against your wishes if it's making you anxious.

Both your parents and PIL have had their babies and their chance to do it their way, this is now yours.

I had a CS so my MIL came to look after all of us for 10 days after our LO arrived. She cooked and cleaned, stocked our freezer with meals and stayed happily in the background. Apart from that my FIL came for a day, stayed in a hotel and didn't crowd us. My parents don't live near us but flew up for a couple of hours, cooed over our DD and went home again. No one else got a look in. We were totally clear that we needed time to adjust and be together and after a couple of weeks would welcome visitors. When people came we felt ready to see them. Best decision we could have made.

Don't let anyone else call the shots, you've grown, carried and will have birthed this baby yourself. It's up to you and your DH.

Good luck!

Buttons23 · 16/05/2016 20:55

When my nephew was born. I was down there about 20 minutes later. Cuddling him and kissing the face off him. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away. I'd have been nuclear if they tried.

Seriously?! really hoping you won't be like this with any future dil. Its awful, you would have gone nuclear if not allowed to take a newborn baby from its mother straight after birth. Thank hell my relations are more considerate!

Op see how you feel, just tell people you will let them know after the birth of your baby. Some are fine and are happy for visitors, others need a little while. With the exception of my mum(birth partner) no one saw my son til he was at least 9 days old, didn't stop everyone having a great relationship with him so it won't matter in the long run anyway imo

FarrowandBallAche · 16/05/2016 20:56

I'd let both GP's visit tbh and I wouldn't let your mum but not your MIL. Not if you don't want to upset her!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/05/2016 20:56

This is AIBU. Not a pony club. Op asked a question. I answered honestly.

Original poster

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:57

A mixed bag of responses! It's difficult! When we do have visitors they do tend to stay for hours as we love about 1.5 hours away... I think I'll just have to wait and see, I just thought a pre warning would be nice so they're not disappointed on the day of birth when she arrives

OP posts:

Baboooshka · 16/05/2016 20:58

Uh, ilive, I don't think anyone's misunderstood that. Presumably, if the mother had asked you to wait longer than twenty minutes to kiss the face off your nephew, you would've respected that? Or is she included in the nuclear option?

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 16/05/2016 20:58

iliveinalighthouse flippin' heck, I'm relieved you're not my SIL/sister, you sound like most new parents' worst nightmare! How selfish and rude of you to intrude on such a private moment.

EweAreHere · 16/05/2016 20:58

Anyone who would feel entitled to be waited upon and handed cups of teas, snacks, etc while hogging your newborn should not be invited to visit until you feel up to having them.

Anyone who would make you tea, cook, tidy up (if you'd like that), and respect you as the parent of the newborn who needs to be near your baby and needs rest, might be invited to visit at your discretion.

YANBU to pick and choose what works for you, including a waiting period until you feel entirely up to it.

CeeCee00 · 16/05/2016 20:58

Also, FTR, I totally would have held off both sets of parents if I needed to. You can say that you love them, can't wait for them to meet the baby but you need time to settle. Also, if you want your mum there, you can do that.

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