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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
icedcherrytea · 16/05/2016 20:59

I think GP's and immediate family shirt sweet visits are fine.

I'm going to put a fb status on once we have had our babies (twins due in 3 weeks) saying we are all healthy and here - a picture and then asked to be left alone to bond and get to know our new arrivals and we will let them know when we are ready for visits!!

My friend had her baby 8 weeks ago and I didn't see her for 3 weeks as I knew mum would be knackered overwhelmed and trying to establish feeding.

Good luck and be firm.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/05/2016 21:00

Erm invading on a private moment with my own nephew. I'm practically a second mum to him.

Don't worry I have no desire to see strangers babies.

LillyBugg · 16/05/2016 21:00

We did an open house day so we just had one day of lots of visitors to get over and done with. I don't think there is any right or wrong answer here really. Often people seem to regret the choices that they made regarding visitors in the newborn days, maybe it's not possible to get it spot on?

I do think that allowing your mum to come but not your mil would be very damaging to the relationship and unfair on the mil. Remember whilst you might need your mum, your DH might need his mum to.

Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 21:01

Definitely NOT BU. You see people when you feel ready. Yes they are excited, but you are the one who has to go through the pregnancy and birth.
Just make DH tell them that you will be exhausted, but he will let them know when you feel up to visitors and then try to get them round in groups, and tell DH to get rid of them after half an hour saying he can see it's wiping you out, so he'll have to cut it short, but they can come back another day, or you will visit them, when you have a bit more energy

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/05/2016 21:01

Funnily enough Hedgehog. The feeling's mutual.

Oysterbabe · 16/05/2016 21:02

Yanbu. I was in hospital for a week then had a week at home with just us then arranged visitors on a schedule that didn't make me feel overwhelmed. I couldn't give a shit if anyone got the hump, I just wanted to focus on my baby and finding my feet.

Taylor22 · 16/05/2016 21:04

When my nephew was born. I was down there about 20 minutes later. Cuddling him and kissing the face off him. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away. I'd have been nuclear if they tried.

If you'd have tried to pull that stunt with me you'd be god damn lucky you were already in a hospital.

OP YANBU. You are the most important person. You are the one who's gone through a traumatic physical and emotional process. You need to find your feet.
If those around you can't control their own wants to put you first then they don't deserve to be near you.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 16/05/2016 21:04

If you do end up staying in hospital for any days after the birth, call them all and tell them to come. Because the hospital won't let you have too many at once and you can tell them to leave after 15 minutes - and you don't have to make cups of tea. And then, they've visited. Jobs done.

Otherwise, invite them when you're good and ready. When you've had enough, announce baby needs feeding in peace and you both go upstairs and stay there. Make sure OH knows that is his cue to throw the visitors out.

I don't really get all the angst seeing a baby the first week anyway. Mine were all in nicu, nobody got a cuddle but me and dh for a good long while.

And if you want your mum - she's not coming as primary grandparent, she's coming to mother you. She doesn't get to sit hogging the baby, she'll be too busy helping you with what you need. Nothing for MIL to get jealous about (and I say that as the mother of sons!).

Baboooshka · 16/05/2016 21:05

I always imagined having a week, or at least a few days, to regather at home before we had visitors, but it's one of those things that's actually quite hard to follow through if close family seem genuinely upset. Our in-laws were totally fine, but my DM burst into tears. She ended up visiting three days later. The 'compromise' was that she didn't bring a bunch of other family members. Hmm

Puffinsrock · 16/05/2016 21:06

Inthink YAB a bit U
Why not say I'd like a week at home recovering, but you can come meet the new arrival in hospital for a short hello
You won't be able to rest much in hospital anyway as even if have a private room / ward it is still a busy bustley noisy place
That way they get a 15 min hello and cuddle, appeasement and you can relax at home over the next week without anyone getting the hump / asking repeatedly when can I visit
True It's your baby, but it's also their grandchild and 15 mins here or there won't kill you but will make the world of difference to them
When I had mine it made me even more proud and pleased to see the joy the new baby brought to my nearest and dearest and no one expects you to "host". No offence, but they're coming for baby not you!Grin. And you may be thankful they're there to have a cuddle so you can get a long hot shower in.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/05/2016 21:06

Ooooh I'm scared.Hmm.

GipsyDanger · 16/05/2016 21:06

I ended up in hospital for 3 days, it was fantastic,
My dh stayed all day, and gps came in the morning slot and evening slot. My family is pretty normal and gave us the week before asking if they could pop over. Me and dh had a code word if I was feeling tired/wanted guests to leave but never needed to use it. We just kept to the hospital visiting times when we were home. It was great. My dh had a month off, it was perfect. Don't let anyone rob those special moments

ThisIslandGirl · 16/05/2016 21:06

FWIW I think it's perfectly acceptable to invite your mum before MIL. She is there as a mum to you and to look after you when you will probably not be feeling your best. I think you should do exactly what suits you and DH and sod everyone else. They will have their chance. It's a special time with your newborn you can't get back.

Arkwright · 16/05/2016 21:07

It's entirely your choice but I do find it odd especially keeping the grandparents away. We are an incredibly close family and had visitors from the first day.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 16/05/2016 21:07

Just another thing, OP - it feels very lonely not to have visitors in hospital if you have to stay in for a bit.

You may think you won't be up for visitors - but unless you have a private room, you see everyone else with visitors and feel like Norma-no-mates.

I know this because my family managed to get caught up in a traffic jam on the motorway for hours, and missed visiting time when I had dc3. And dh didn't come in because he was looking after the other 2, and thought my family was visiting.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 16/05/2016 21:09

Just seen your post about them being 90 minutes away. Definitely warn them that their visit will last 30 minutes and they should plan to take themselves off for a meal in your area or somesuch before their journey home! If they complain about that, say oh well, never mind, if it's too far to drive for a short visit we'll put it off for a month or two until we're ready for a longer visit ...

Unless they are the sort who will bring a complete meal, serve, and wash up after. In which case they can stay longer; you've got to eat.

Favouritethings · 16/05/2016 21:10

You've not even had the baby yet why are you worrying about keeping people away? Have your baby then see people as and when suits you. If you're too tired, tell people you're too tired. If you want to see people, see people.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 16/05/2016 21:11

Erm invading on a private moment with my own nephew. I'm like a second mum to him.

I wonder if his ACTUAL MOTHER feels that way, given that she'd just PUSHED HIM OUT OF HER OWN VAGINA. Hmm

Bogeyface · 16/05/2016 21:11

I would be inclined to say "Grandparents only, for an hour or so each the day after we get home. Everyone else by invitation only, and dont expect one for at least a week"

FWIW, I had DC6 at home, my mum and dad and DS1 (who was staying at theres for the night) were round within half an hour of her arrival! Mum made tea and they all had a hold of the baby while I had a bath and H cleaned up. It was great!

AddictedtoSnickers · 16/05/2016 21:11

Don't get dressed for visitors, stay in your PJs/robe if you want, it will give off 'please leave us alone a bit longer' vibes. Talk about how sore you are. Waddle gently. I had both breasts permanently out for at least a week with all 3 of my babies, it definitely put guests off from staying too long.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2016 21:11

their's

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 16/05/2016 21:12

Unless they are the sort who will bring a complete meal, serve, and wash up after. In which case they can stay longer; you've got to eat.

My (late) DDad used to this all the time. He was most welcome anytime - and was always offered to the stay the night so he could share Wine with us, and spend time with his gc.

That's a free tip to all future Grandparents our there...

minniebear · 16/05/2016 21:15

I was exactly the same-I have four overbearing SILs (who sound remarkably similar to someone on this thread), who descended on us when DD1 was born. It was a really awful time and I have bad memories of them passing her around and being generally obnoxious (none of them would think to offer to help/get their own drinks etc).

When DD2 was born, we said that our GPs and siblings could come and visit in hospital, then we would need a week or so at home to get used to two babies and find out feet. One of the four SILs came to the hospital, the other three didn't, then asked to come in the following days and I said no with no guilt at all.

Nobody has any right to your children at all, whether they're a newborn or not. You need to prioritise you, your partner and your baby. I have a close relationship with both sets of my own grandparents and want my daughters to have the same, but I also knew I needed space to find my feet.

HanYOLO · 16/05/2016 21:15

I think a week is a long time with a newborn and it would be unkind to ask them to wait that long.

I would let GPs and best mates visit asap - in hospital if you are up to it or asap after you get home. For a short and specified period of your choosing.

Better to get it done and out of the way and then you won't have the guilt/nagging. And get it done pre day3/4 crash/blues. IMO

After that I would differentiate between people coming to help (eg your mum) and "visitors", who can wait till you're good and ready.

If you are in hospital you will quickly realise that there will be 17 other visitors at the bedsides of all the other people on the ward. So you might as well have some of your own who can hold the baby whilst you shower/snooze/fetch you nice stuff etc.

minniebear · 16/05/2016 21:16

*her GPs