AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

We'd say something along the lines of; 'we're finding our feet and taking time time to bond with our baby'. I don't think that's harsh, we don't have to say we don't need or want you because that's not true!

YANBU - were expecting child 2. I will be putting very firm boundaries in place, after DD I have awful memories of the first 2 weeks and every family member turning up. It entirely depends on your relationships and own / babies needs. My needs will be peace, and no one knocking on.

OP, unless you have very intrusive relations/in-laws, then let them visit when you're well enough, give them a cuddle with the baby, and if they outstay their welcome, you say "I need to feed baby now, and give them a nap" - and disappear upstairs. Your DH can chat to them, give them tea, hopefully usher them to the door.

I did this a fair bit - it's fine. The worst thing I did to myslef was put pressure on myself to have the house immaculate for visitors. No one notices! They just want to see baby.

Sounds perfect to me Lou. People can wait a week ffs.

Why don't you wait to see how you feel?

I don't think you can plan in advance.
Just say to people that you will
Be looking forward to welcoming visitors just as soon as you feel up to it. Then if you crave your Mum, or attention and an audience to show your baby off to, invite them. Be ready to say 'I'm sure you won't mind making your own tea' and ' sorry folks, I'm whacked out and need to go to bed now'.

It's worth thinking longer term. There are so many threads on MN along the lines of "my in laws don't show any interest in the DCs, I don't know what we've ever done wrong".

Tbh I think that if you pre-empt visitor anxiety then it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy iyswim. IMO with really demanding visitors such as the poster upthread who marched round after twenty minutes etc you do need to put your foot down.

But on the whole people such as grandparents etc are excited and want to meet their new grandchild, and they're not unreasonable. And your MIL would not be unreasonable to be hurt if you said your mum could come but she couldn't.

The reality is that if people stayed away of their own accord many new parents would be upset about that, so it's a no-win situation really.

When my DS was born most of my visitors came to the hospital. In fact, my mum was at the birth (not planned, she drove us to the hospital and ended up staying and I was too out of it to care,). My dad was there within about half an hour (to pick up my mum) and my sister came down within hours because I needed baby wipes etc so she brought those down. Oh, and an aunt brought me a McDonalds because the majority of food had run out by the time I made it up on to the ward. EXH's family came the next two days, so by the time we got home most of the family had met DS already.

But then all of my family know where the kitchen is. I did make my mum though when, on the first day after I came home I offered her biscuits which I'd made the day I went into labour, and when she asked if I'd made them I said "oh yeah, this morning,". And she believed me. .

See how you feel at the time - you might crave the adult conversation, you might want to be left well alone.

My parents and in-laws came in the first week, but they were all (largely) helpful, so it didn't feel like hard work or an intrusion - it was the first grandchild in our family too. Both mothers had also BF, so were able to help with latching and the like. My FiL did a lovely job in the garden

Good luck - I hope all goes well.

See how you feel and take it as it comes. I was worried about this too but was fine. I was in hospital for a while and enjoyed the visitors to be honest. I didn't get to see mum mum hold baby for the first time as I was still in theatre but I'll never forget the look on MIL face when she came for a cuddle the day after, it was so special. Family can also be helpful and help out a load on, wash up etc.

Just don't put any pressure on it until baby is here

You do know that this doesn't actually happen in real life?

In real life, people have babies, friends and relatives pop round to welcome them to world. No-one needs to be passing them round like a parcel, kissing them or hugging them if you don't want them to but not allowing people to see them for a week is actually weird and horrid.

I think it's a bit mean to ask Grandparents to wait. My mum and dad actually met DS before I did. He was whisked straight off to intensive care as soon as he came out, and I wasn't taken to see him for several hours. While i was in recovery my parents had turned up and were eagerly waiting in a corridor and asked if they could see him. They were so excited. It would have been so mean of me to say no. We don't own people after all. In fact, I think it helped because a kind nurse snuck them into the recovery room after they'd seen him and they were so thrilled with him it made the horror of separation from my newborn a teeny bit easier. So in my opinion, let them just have a quick visit. It's unkind not to.

YANBU to think carefully about visiting now. But my experience is that most people do understand that it is a delicate time. When I had my LO in January every visitor bar one waited to be invited by us.

My parents saw us on the first day which I think we all needed. I'd had a long labour and seeing my Mum and Dad ecstatic was a real boost, plus they brought me more clothes and things as I ended up staying in hospital a week.

MIL came to stay the next weekend which I was partially dreading but in the end it was great. She cooked, washed up and it was important for DH to share these moments with MIL.

It can be easy to forget that blokes need support too when a baby arrives. That's why it can be good to have PILs around (within reason)

We have nothing but happy memories of those first few days after our babies were born, because we had so many visitors. I sat on the sofa and enjoyed all the attention. Dh made tea/poured champagne - it was all wonderful

Well that's lovely for you. But I'm sure you can understand that not everyone feels like this , and is lucky enough to have an easy birth, a close loving family and a healthy, easy baby .

some women can barely sit at all after the birth

Some are recovering from major surgery and have a wound

others are bleeding so heavily they would never dream of sitting on a sofa.

some are trying to establish breast feeding

Some have had little sleep for days

Some mums are in floods of tears and want some privacy

Some babies are sick . Others have Been in SCBU. Some will not feed and have reflux or are tongue tied .

What was bliss to you might be hellish to someone else

You are totally not being unreasonable. When Dd was born (3 months ago) my parents insisted on coming up (3 hours away) the evening we got home from hospital and stayed for days. It was awful as they expected to be waited on hand and foot by DH, and couldn't grasp that I'd had no sleep for 5 days/ was struggling with BF as Dd had a tongue tie/ coping with a traumatic birth and stitches / older Ds was grisly as he had a cold and was playing up. I had tried asking them not to come until we'd had some time on our own, but to no avail. Unless you have visitors you know in advance will be helpful and not additional stress, put your foot down.
Having said that, as other posters have pointed out, you may feel different when your baby actually arrives. If you have a good relationship with the GP's and they don't need to stay at your house, you may even welcome them!

OneMagnumisneverenough's posts are spot on.

I couldn't have children and when my sister became pregnant I couldn't have been more excited. If she had told me that I would have to wait a week to see my first niece or nephew I would have been devastated. As it was I saw my niece a few hours after her birth, held her in my arms and cried with happiness. I suspect your child's GPs would like the opportunity to do the same, OP.

Don't make them wait a week.

Do what give you the least stress and feelings of guilt (which are unnecessary) it's a massive adjustment having your first baby (but worth it) - good luck

Are DH's siblings all adults? If so I wouldn't worry about them being offended that your 15-year-old sister was able to come and they weren't. That would be incredibly petty of them.

Honestly for me it depends on what people are like, if your parents and IL's are the type to come around just to see the baby and expect cups of tea to be brought to them then I wouldn't feel bad about saying no.

If they are the type of people to come and be supportive and helpful then I suggest you maybe have another think?

The family members who came to see me at home the day after DS2 was born were brilliant and it felt nice having them there.

I'm an anxious person and honestly thought I would feel uncomfortable with MIL coming but she and SIL (who was 15 at the time!) were lovely.

What type of people are they?

I'd see how you feel but I'd be inclined to get everyone to visit in hospital - limited visiting hours so they won't be able to over stay their welcome. I found I was still on a high in hospital too so much more accepting and tolerant of overbearing visitors. Then when you get home you've got more chance of getting some much needed time to yourselves as everyone has already seen baby.

I banned visitors for three days, yes people were put out but you don't give birth for the fun and enjoyment of your family members, you have to think about yourself.

Oh but i should say, i let people visit me and dd and in hospital, i was in for three days.
Family wanted to come round to the house when i was home but there was no way that was happening.

Honestly? It's a bit weird, before mn I had no idea people felt this way. I know I didn't when I had our daughter last year ( loved showing her off) . But you do whatever makes you feel best.

I can't get worked up about grandparents having to waitaa week to see a baby. Post birth can be a traumatic, topsy-turvy time. After both my births I cried for two weeks. Then I was fine.

When my nephew was born. I was down there about 20 minutes later. Cuddling him and kissing the face off him. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away. I'd have been nuclear if they tried.

This though, is next level. I don't know anyone this intrusive, thankfully.

Rupert has highlighted a comment I hadn't noticed before.

That behaviour is 100% not normal.

I wish I had said no to MIL, she lives 200+ miles away, she invited herself, DH just arrived at hospital one day (was in for 5) and said she was coming up the day I came home for a week. I had only met her a few times in 3 years. DS would be her only GC
I had to go to theatre after DS birth, had epidural and should have had a blood transfusion but they gave it to wrong woman. I had banging headaches and flipped on a very selfish drug users BF in the unit
It was awful MIL picked me up from hosp with xDP and I didn't even have 5 mins at home with my baby, took away all our bonding time (xDP only off for that week). Had nowhere for her to sleep "Oh the settee will be fine". No it bloody won't, had to creep round doing night feeds or camp in bedroom. In the end I was ripping my hair out and screamed at xDP that if she told me how to do one more thing I was going to put her in a boil wash with the nappies.

She's a lovely woman, and her intentions are good but I like her best when she is 200+ miles away on the end of the phone.

You have your time with your OH and baby, however it is difficult with 1st time GP. Set boundaries if you need to. I totally understand the bonding time having had mine taken from me.