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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosp app vs Funeral

137 replies

SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 07:57

I have PCOS and been waiting ages to get an app, to finally get medication to assist my PCOS.

I've had the app booked for 2 weeks, it's in another 3 weeks.

Yesterday I found out the date of FIL's funeral. Same date. Within an hour of each other. The hosp app is in my home town, and the funeral is 2.5 hours drive away.

Called hosp to request to change date, they said next app I could have is middle of June. So nearly 6 weeks away.

I didn't change anything yet but honestly don't know what to do.

Funeral will last 20 mins (cremation) and there's no 'do' afterwards. Be driving 5 hours total (if no traffic) for a 20 min service. My daughter isn't going, so will have to organise and pay for childcare.

The hosp app will really make a difference to my health and wellbeing. Won't have to pay for childcare and I can take her with me, won't have 5hour drive.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I just can't justify spending £30 on fuel, £45 on childcare. For a 20 min service of someone who I wasn't keen on. And pushing back an app I've been waiting months to get.

OH will go either way, he has his own car so he's not relying on me.

OP posts:
Junosmum · 30/04/2016 08:01

How does OH feel about you not going? Does he want your support? How long have you been together? Will the other family members be offended by you not going?

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 08:27

I've not spoken to him about it yet. Any time we see his family I'm always a spare part anyway - Always in the way and such things. They kinda wander off (inc DH), and ignore me.

We've been together a long time.

And they wouldn't take it as a slight on them.

OP posts:
Griphook · 30/04/2016 08:29

How would you feel if dh didn't support you at your dads funeral?

CigarsofthePharoahs · 30/04/2016 08:31

In your position I'd prioritise the hospital appointment. Your dh can go on his own.

FishWithABicycle · 30/04/2016 08:32

That's a tough one. You need to weigh up the additional 3 weeks of symptoms compared with the additional distress your DH will experience going to his dad's funeral without his wife there to support him.

Unfortunately unless your DH is very unusual, if you ask him he will massively underestimate the latter so he won't be able to help you judge.

I don't know what the symptoms of PCOS are like so can't judge. I think I would put up with 3 weeks of mild discomfort for DH's emotional wellbeing, but not 3 weeks of actual pain.

funniestWins · 30/04/2016 08:32

I'd go to support my OH.

Are you in pain?

Bearlyknitted · 30/04/2016 08:33

Cigars, you'd really let your husband go alone to his own Dad's funeral? Shock

OP, this is a no brainer.

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 08:33

I'd be upset.

But there's a difference, he loves my dad, they get on and he's involved in my side of the family.

His father was selfish, who DH refused to even talk to for months on end. When we went to see other family over there is asked if he wanted to see FIL and he refused, and even got angry at the mention of it.

He and MY father have an awesome relationship. DH has even mentioned it's like having a father who actually cares for him.

OP posts:
Bearlyknitted · 30/04/2016 08:34

It's still his Dad.

PotteringAlong · 30/04/2016 08:34

I'd go to the funeral. It's not about you, it's about your OH. You can have another appointment in 6 weeks.

Ruthiesj · 30/04/2016 08:34

YABU. I understand your reasons for wanting to miss the funeral in favour of your original PCOS appointment, but you should prioritise your OH in this situation.

Whether he asks you to accompany him or not, whether he seems deeply upset or coping well, losing a parent is a huge deal that can hit a person in any number of ways at unexpected moments. As his partner, you have a responsibility to care for his emotional wellbeing, which really does require you to be by his side at the funeral. It's a long journey with a lot of thinking time for him to go alone; I would not be happy for my DH to be put in that position and would worry terribly about him if he was.

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 08:35

Pain? I've been in constant pain for years, only relief was being pregnant it seemed to ease slightly.

I'm taking 8 pain killers a day and still at points, it cripples me.

OP posts:
Jinglebells99 · 30/04/2016 08:36

I would rearrange the hospital appointment and go to the funeral.

sonlypuppyfat · 30/04/2016 08:36

I think you know the answer, there's no way I'd drive all that way for someone who didn't much care for me. Your health is far more important. My DH family is an odd bunch too it doesn't matter how had I've tried they don't want to know

HackerFucker22 · 30/04/2016 08:37

Sounds like you've already made your mind up?

Look regardless of how you felt about your FIL, how short the service is, how much it's going to cost etc I think you need to go.

6 weeks isn't massively long in the grand scheme of things?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 30/04/2016 08:37

PCOS itself doesn't usually cause pain so I personally would support my DP in this scenario.

Bearlyknitted · 30/04/2016 08:38

Ok so, you've posted here because you know it's a shit thing to do but you want to justify your position? Nice.

Your father in law just died. You need to be with your husband at the funeral to support him and to show your face to his family. I can't get over that you've even posted this.

Goingtobeawesome · 30/04/2016 08:38

Hospital appointment. As long as your DH is happy you aren't going and went allow his relatives to criticise you for not going. If he's happy they will criticise then they don't care. They aren't acting like people who care about you.

Blood means fuck all when people don't give a shit. Non blood relative certainly shouldn't be bullied into going when it's the situation shown here.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2016 08:38

If one of my parents died and my partner wasn't there to support me because he chose to be somewhere else I could never look at him the same way again.

I can't believe that for the sake of waiting an extra 6 weeks you would leave your partner alone at his father's funeral Shock Shock

When my DH's mom died there was absolutely no way I was leaving his side. I honestly can't get my head around how you can even contemplate not being there for him?

Unless your DP doesn't actually like his dad and so isn't affected by the death, which is unlikely seeing as he's going to the funeral, ten I think you are being massively unreasonable.

Goingtobeawesome · 30/04/2016 08:38

Won't, not went

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/04/2016 08:38

You're not going for your FIL, your going for your DH

I really think you need to go to the funeral. The childcare costs etc - surely they're not relevant? If you can't afford the childcare, I'm sure someone would help you to let you go to the funeral and support DH.

thisisbloodyridiculous · 30/04/2016 08:39

Definitely funeral. It's a one off.

Littlemisslovesspiders · 30/04/2016 08:41

I honestly can't get my head around how you can even contemplate not being there for him?

Me neither.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 30/04/2016 08:41

YABU

BarkGruffalo · 30/04/2016 08:42

I too have PCOS, and while the symptoms aren't fun it's not life threatening and doesn't cause chronic pain.

You should definitely prioritise the funeral. TBH even thinking of going to the hospital appointment instead of your partner's father's funeral sounds incredibly selfish.

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