Hosp app vs Funeral

[SurroMummy13]

I have PCOS and been waiting ages to get an app, to finally get medication to assist my PCOS.

I've had the app booked for 2 weeks, it's in another 3 weeks.

Yesterday I found out the date of FIL's funeral. Same date. Within an hour of each other. The hosp app is in my home town, and the funeral is 2.5 hours drive away.

Called hosp to request to change date, they said next app I could have is middle of June. So nearly 6 weeks away.

I didn't change anything yet but honestly don't know what to do.

Funeral will last 20 mins (cremation) and there's no 'do' afterwards. Be driving 5 hours total (if no traffic) for a 20 min service. My daughter isn't going, so will have to organise and pay for childcare.

The hosp app will really make a difference to my health and wellbeing. Won't have to pay for childcare and I can take her with me, won't have 5hour drive.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I just can't justify spending £30 on fuel, £45 on childcare. For a 20 min service of someone who I wasn't keen on. And pushing back an app I've been waiting months to get.

OH will go either way, he has his own car so he's not relying on me.

Not at all Pp

It's just how we do things in my family. There is a member of my mums family (an in law actually) who has complex medical needs. It's basic consideration for the immediate family to consider each other's needs.

Is this a troll? I honestly can't imagine anybody missing their partner's parents funeral for anything other than a medical emergency...

I do live with chronic, debilitating pain. And i would drag myself to an in law funeral. If the pain and situation is so bad the OP should go and get sorted privately and quit moaning.

I suffer from cluster headaches, there are many times when I would quite happily remove my right eye if it would stop the pain drilling through it, does that mean my opinion counts now?

What I actually meant is that once the PCOS has been treated then the physical pain will fade. Mental pain from having to deal with something that might not even affect you until after the event, is harder to successfully treat. I also feel that I'm qualified in talking about this as my DH had a period of psychosis due to the death of his mother, who he was not close to.

Anyway, I have seen that OP is going to go to the funeral now, so none of this really matters anymore.

I can't quite fathom your relationship.

Are you talking about your husband, long term partner, or fairly recent partner? OH/ Other half doesn't really explain the link, but I'm confused as you talk about your FIL.

Is your daughter your child from a previous relationship, or from this relationship?If she is your current partner's child, why are you paying for and organising all childcare?

If you attend the funeral, will your partner really on you for moral support, or leave you on your own ?

I think all of this makes a difference. I'd unquestionably go with my husband to attend my FIL's funeral, and take our children, and rebook the hospital appointment. However, if I were in a relationship with someone who regarded it as casual, took no responsibility for my child, abandoned me at family events, and wasn't actually grieving as he didn't speak to his father anyway, then I might think that he probably didn't need me there.

It sounds as if you're quite angry- is that because your partner doesn't ever step up to his won responsibilities or support you or pay for his child, but now you're expected to drop everything (including your own health) to support him and pay his way?

rely on you.

and own responsibilities.

Sausage fingers today.

If it were me in the op's dh's position, I would tell my wife to go to her much needed hospital appointment.

For me, the most important details you've given were:

"Any time we see his family I'm always a spare part anyway - Always in the way and such things. They kinda wander off (inc DH), and ignore me. ... And they wouldn't take [my not attending the funeral] as a slight on them."

and

"His father was selfish, who DH refused to even talk to for months on end. When we went to see other family over there is asked if he wanted to see FIL and he refused, and even got angry at the mention of it."

From these details, my take is that your DH really doesn't need emotional support in the way he would if he had had a good relationship with his DH, his family won't care if you're there, and you'll feel unnecessary if you do go.

I would attend your hospital appointment with a clear conscience.

WhereYouLeftIt I really disagree that less emotional support is needed when dealing with a parent's death, if your relationship with that parent was conflicted, fraught, distant. It can be a terrible shock to realise that this is it: they've gone, and there's no chance to ever reconcile or improve things.

It just seems a complete given to me that you attend your partner's parents' funerals, and support them. You don't tot up petrol money and act like the journey's not justified because there's no do afterwards and you weren't keen on the guy anyhow. You certainly don't point out your partner and his parent weren't close. You turn up and do your bit to provide support, whether or not it's needed.

But, like Inertia posted, I really can't work out the situation here -- whether the OP's been with her DH 6 months, 6 years, etc. OH is so absent from the first post (apart from the final line, about him having his own car) that it's bizarre, since this centres around his father's funeral.

I take your point Baboooshka, and for a normal DW-DH relationship I'd agree with you. But in combination with a DH who wanders off and ignores his DW when with his family, I'm not seeing a DH who looks to his DW for emotional support . TBH, I'm not seeing a DW who looks to her DH for emotional support either. Which is why I think she should prioritise her hospital appointment.

And since her DH will not meet childcare costs and OP would have to - well, sometimes you just can't, can you? It's not a case of totting up petrol costs, if you don't have the money you don't have the money. It cannot always be found by trimming costs elsewhere. That he will not pay childcare costst adds to the sense that this is a dysfunctional relationship at best, since it sounds like financial abuse exists.