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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hosp app vs Funeral

137 replies

SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 07:57

I have PCOS and been waiting ages to get an app, to finally get medication to assist my PCOS.

I've had the app booked for 2 weeks, it's in another 3 weeks.

Yesterday I found out the date of FIL's funeral. Same date. Within an hour of each other. The hosp app is in my home town, and the funeral is 2.5 hours drive away.

Called hosp to request to change date, they said next app I could have is middle of June. So nearly 6 weeks away.

I didn't change anything yet but honestly don't know what to do.

Funeral will last 20 mins (cremation) and there's no 'do' afterwards. Be driving 5 hours total (if no traffic) for a 20 min service. My daughter isn't going, so will have to organise and pay for childcare.

The hosp app will really make a difference to my health and wellbeing. Won't have to pay for childcare and I can take her with me, won't have 5hour drive.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I just can't justify spending £30 on fuel, £45 on childcare. For a 20 min service of someone who I wasn't keen on. And pushing back an app I've been waiting months to get.

OH will go either way, he has his own car so he's not relying on me.

OP posts:

minesapintofwine · 30/04/2016 10:13

choc I'm not sure if I misread but are you saying that crying at funerals (publicly) is a bad thing?

I broke my heart at my grandfathers funeral,could not hold it in. A family friend told me to compose myself . I always remember her empathy

coconutpie · 30/04/2016 10:28

So you're DH refuses to sort childcare for his DD? And will expect you to pay for childcare and petrol (money that you don't have right now) in order to attend the funeral? Why can't you tell him to pay? And why doesn't he provide for his own DD? It's baffling.

I'm shocked at the people say "just wait another 6 weeks" - OP said she is on 8 painkillers a day! She's obviously in a lot of pain. 6 weeks is a long time when you are in pain like that. If your DH is ok with it, I would go to the hospital appointment. Funeral or not, I can't understand why someone would prefer their spouse to endure another 6 weeks of constant pain in order to attend a funeral.

Lweji · 30/04/2016 10:33

I can't understand why someone would prefer their spouse to endure another 6 weeks of constant pain in order to attend a funeral.

Exactly. I'd be telling my own partner to attend the appointment.

Even worse if it's a first appointment, which means proper treatment could be months away.

Ruthiesj · 30/04/2016 10:35

coconut it's not an additional six weeks, it's three weeks. Six weeks from today, but three weeks on from the original appointment and the funeral.

I also don't understand how the OP knows she's going to be given medication at that appointment. If the doctor's have confirmed her condition and there's straight forward medication available, they would have prescribed it already you'd have thought?! But I have no experience of PCOS, so perhaps I am mistaken, but I've never known any outpatient service to operate like that unless the medication is administered there or the patient requires training on how to take it i.e. Injections, etc.

minesapintofwine · 30/04/2016 10:38

Ruth makes a valid point regarding it being a further 3 weeks not 6 which I'd not even realised .

minesapintofwine · 30/04/2016 10:39

Strike fail

RaeSkywalker · 30/04/2016 10:48

I feel for you OP. I have a close friend with PCOS, it is horrendous.

I think it depends how your OH is coping. I couldn't let my DH drive that far to his dad's funeral, he would be very upset and I'd genuinely be worried about his safety on the drive. Only you know how your DH will be though.

It's a tough call. You're clearly suffering. Perhaps keep the appointment and ask your OH to tell a white lie to his family- that you've come down with a virus. It might help protect you both from any repercussions from his family.

KitKat1985 · 30/04/2016 10:50

Sorry but I'd go to the funeral. Sometimes it's actually harder to go to the funeral of people that you had 'difficult' relationships with rather than loving ones. The whole day is likely to being up a lot of emotions for your DH - anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, etc. I'd be going to support my DH.

I do sympathise with the chronic pain though (I've been there myself), but if you've been in pain for years and have managed thus far then an extra few weeks for an appointment is do-able.

As for your DH not ever paying for childcare, that's weird and sounds like a separate discussion for you both to have at some point.

funniestWins · 30/04/2016 10:55

My DH and I bicker a lot.

Sometimes reading AIBU makes me realise how much we love each other and that I'm incredibly lucky to have him. This is a pretty shocking post!

"Sounds fair, I'll get him to cover costs of fuel and childcare."

I don't know what's more shocking, that it's necessary for you to ask or that you will ask when he's just lost his father.

As a slight aside, why did you post OP? You asked for opinions but have been incredibly defensive when people haven't agreed with you.

horizontilting · 30/04/2016 11:26

Bit off-topic but I'm boggled that your wait would only be 3 weeks more. I'm in the same situation, cysts and all, and have waited 13 months for an appointment (not in the UK). That's with having additional symptoms so my GP wrote again to ask for a rather more urgent appointment. This is that appointment. I miss the NHS.

Sallystyle · 30/04/2016 11:32

My dad is an abusive arsehole. I rarely see him, and only then it's when I bump into him at a funeral.

If my husband didn't come to the funeral with me because of an appointment I honestly think I would have to divorce him. I couldn't look at him in the same way ever again.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2016 11:44

I don't understand this really.

I do think funerals are important - when you have a relationship with the deceased.

It doesn't sound like her DH needs her support, the family clearly won't be bothered. And it's for 20 minutes!!

Some close members of my family have distanced themselves from me over something I wasn't responsible for. I have no intention of going to any future funeral. If I wasn't important to them in life I won't be important in death and there's no respect left from me to them.

The OP's health is important and needs priority over the dead. Unless her DH is really upset I don't think she should go.

Sallystyle · 30/04/2016 11:54

nanny

Well with my dad it is complicated.

He doesn't love me. I have no respect for him but he was a massive part of my life for 14 years when he lived with me then for a few years after. He is my dad and feelings are complicated.

If I go to his funeral I know it will be awful, I will have to listen to what a good man he was, I will have to see my younger siblings who have a relationship with him at the front and watch their grief knowing I didn't get a fraction of the care he gave them. If I go it will be because the rest of my deserted siblings (6 of them) would want me there so we can be together. His funeral would be one of the most painful things ever because of the above and the fact that he is my dad. If my husband couldn't be there for me when I need him the most it would be the end of us.

It is quite possible that despite the OP's dh's relationship with him he has very conflicted feelings and the funeral might be very painful for him as well.

It isn't as simple as saying that because they had a crap relationship he won't need support. It means he will probably need it more in some ways.

colouredchalk · 30/04/2016 11:58

You can get another hospital appointment, your husband will only have one funeral for his dad. You need to rearrange the appt and support your OH.

(I have PCOS too and I know only too well how frustrating it can be trying to get an appt for treatment. If it was your OH's aunt or uncle or whatever I'd say skip the funeral and go to the appt, but it's his dad. Support him).

Vixxfacee · 30/04/2016 12:01

You seem unhappy with your husband.

Obliviated · 30/04/2016 12:03

I would go to the hospital appointment.

Balletgirlmum · 30/04/2016 12:03

I would be annoyed with my husbands family that they hadn't taken the date of such an important medical appointment into account when fixing the day & time of the funeral.

There have been a few funerals in my mums side of the family recently & each time the medical & childcare needs of another immediate family member were taken into account. Yes, it meant that one funeral had to be a few days later so as not to clash with something that could not be moved but that's how it was.

Janecc · 30/04/2016 12:07

tim and anyone else who is minimising ops pain. No pain doesn't just fucking go away. If you've never had years and years of drudging chronic pain, you are not qualified to comment on it.

blondieblondie · 30/04/2016 12:19

Three weeks until a funeral? Wow. Is that normal in some places?

I'd go to the funeral without a doubt. As previously said, an additional three weeks to wait for the appointment doesn't seem unreasonable if you've waited two years already.

I am confused about your husbands attitude to childcare. Why do you pay it all? Don't you share finances? Seems bizarre to me that he takes extra shifts at work, presumably to earn more money, but that means onlyYOU have to fork out for childcare and are worse off.

Lweji · 30/04/2016 12:19

IME it's even worse when you perceive an end in sight and then the rug is pulled.

Bluetrews25 · 30/04/2016 12:22

Very hard choice for you here, OP.
An appointment you really need and are pinning a lot of hopes on or a funeral of someone who neither of you got on that well with.
For what it's worth, I think you've probably made the right choice to go. It will make you the better person, and you will have nothing to reproach yourself for in the future. Whereas if you didn't go, and it turns out OH needed you, you might find it hard to forgive yourself.
I hope the funeral goes smoothly, and I hope you get effective treatment for your PCOS as soon as possible.

PPie10 · 30/04/2016 12:26

I would be annoyed with my husbands family that they hadn't taken the date of such an important medical appointment into account when fixing the day & time of the funeral.

What a horribly, self absorbed attitude.

Alexa444 · 30/04/2016 12:27

Janecc is right. If you don't live every day in agony, you don't get an opinion on it.

Also for those of you slating the op for asking him to pay petrol and childcare, what else is she to do? He is insistent that DD not go and if the money isn't there, it isn't there, regardless of the circumstances. You can't get blood from a stone. Are you really all so codependant that you couldn't manage a funeral without your OH, even with your whole family around you and knowing that your OH will spend another 3 weeks suffering needlessly because of it. I don't have the same condition as OP, but can absolutely sympathise with spending every day in pain. I would drive a railroad spike through my face if it would stop the pain some days. Don't act like its an easy choice and she is scum for considering putting her own health first, she has every right to be defensive. You remind me of men who think childbirth is akin to having a painful crap. Condescending.

BlossomCat · 30/04/2016 12:29

It is a dilemma, I went to my FIL's funeral despite the fact he was an arsehole of epic proportions as I wanted to support my Dh. (And my Mil and Sils, although this is not relevant to your case )
The appointment can be rescheduled, as a PP pointed out, there is every possibility that the original could be cancelled by the hospital, if the Dr who sick for example. The pain is not good, can you go back to your GP in the meantime and request a review of your painkillers?
What worries me more about your posts is the fact that if you drove in your car, you'd have to pay for the petrol. Surely if as a family you are travelling together you share the costs involved. That is far more fair and equal, and splitting costs like that is divisive and undermining. I'd get that and the organisation and provision of childcare sorted as soon as you can.

Littlemisslovesspiders · 30/04/2016 12:53

tim and anyone else who is minimising ops pain. No pain doesn't just fucking go away. If you've never had years and years of drudging chronic pain, you are not qualified to comment on it.

I am currently on morphine and many more tablets than OP.

Does that make me 'qualified to give an opinion' on an open forum.

I can't believe she is even thinking of not going to the funeral. Not going and supporting my DH wouldn't even entery head!

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