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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hosp app vs Funeral

137 replies

SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 07:57

I have PCOS and been waiting ages to get an app, to finally get medication to assist my PCOS.

I've had the app booked for 2 weeks, it's in another 3 weeks.

Yesterday I found out the date of FIL's funeral. Same date. Within an hour of each other. The hosp app is in my home town, and the funeral is 2.5 hours drive away.

Called hosp to request to change date, they said next app I could have is middle of June. So nearly 6 weeks away.

I didn't change anything yet but honestly don't know what to do.

Funeral will last 20 mins (cremation) and there's no 'do' afterwards. Be driving 5 hours total (if no traffic) for a 20 min service. My daughter isn't going, so will have to organise and pay for childcare.

The hosp app will really make a difference to my health and wellbeing. Won't have to pay for childcare and I can take her with me, won't have 5hour drive.

I know I'm probably being selfish but I just can't justify spending £30 on fuel, £45 on childcare. For a 20 min service of someone who I wasn't keen on. And pushing back an app I've been waiting months to get.

OH will go either way, he has his own car so he's not relying on me.

OP posts:
Janecc · 30/04/2016 09:23

Sounds like your other half is not supportive of you. That's really tough and something I would want to address. Just not right now. I agree with your decision to go and take your DD if he doesn't want to pay for childcare. I have chronic pain and a parent that I don't get on with. But I would need my dh there for me when the time comes. I know what chronic pain is and I would also postpone an appointment. Six weeks is actually nothing in the nhs. I used to be under the pain clinic and i used to book the next available appointment on leaving the clinic. There was never one available for 3-4 months so I understand your frustration completely and fully.

Lweji · 30/04/2016 09:23

I think most people have been unfair on the OP. Massively.
Her OH didn't particularly like his dad.
The OP is in crippling pain and too much pain medication is harmful.
It doesn't even looks like her OH particularly wants her to go if he's being awkward about childcare and petrol.

OP, from what you say, it might be worth reevaluating your relationship. When things calm down.

ArgyMargy · 30/04/2016 09:24

Hospital. Funerals are to be avoided whenever possible and this is a great excuse. Unless of course your DH is entirely dependent on you and will never forgive you for not being there. In which case you're better off without him, so absolutely I would choose hospital.

Alexa444 · 30/04/2016 09:27

You weren't close, its a 5 hour drive, your OH will have the rest of his family there for support. I would go to hosp and I say that as someone who lives with chronic, acute pain.

timwonnacotsbowtie · 30/04/2016 09:29

Neither me nor my DH see his F, we both agree he's a selfish man who doesn't give a shit about his own kids.

However if my DH chose to go to his funeral (and this could be imminent as he has terminal cancer) I wouldn't even question going with him, and it would be a 12 hour round trip, not factoring in the time for the funeral.

It's not about how you feel about your FIL, it's about how you feel about your DH.

I am not minimising your pain at all, but physical pain fades faster than mental pain.

Ruthiesj · 30/04/2016 09:30

ArgyMargy Hmm

OP, It sounds like you and OH have some other issues to sort out as his expectations with regards to work and childcare are unreasonable.

I think you're doing the right thing though, in going to the funeral with your DD.

chocdonutyy · 30/04/2016 09:30

If you are often in crippling pain and the situation with dh's family is as you describe, (plus dh is OK with the arrangement of course) I'd go for the appointment, I'm sure he'd not want you in pain for another 6 weeks if you can help it!
Yes it's not ideal but he'll be with his family when he's there and you'll be with him when he's back.
I would however ring daily just to see if you can get in earlier if dh would prefer you there.
Ive only been to 2 funerals, my grandfathers where my mum and sister bawled away but my nan and I didn't, we held it in til we got home, grieving and paying respects doesn't have to be public.
And my grandfather in law where sil gave me daggers as dd was making a fuss, she was 1! I gladly went outside also with her ds as he started too and played with them outside the church Smile
Needless to say if I never had to go to a funeral again I wouldn't!

OiWithThePoodlesAlready · 30/04/2016 09:31

I'd go to the funeral, no question. The thought of not being their to support my dp when his dad (who he isn't especially close to) dies is just beyond comprehension.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 30/04/2016 09:31

I would go to the appointment. 100%

Penfold007 · 30/04/2016 09:32

Your H doesn't sound very nice.

MatildaTheCat · 30/04/2016 09:32

Two things to consider about the hospital appointment.

  1. If this is a first visit don't be so sure that you are 'finally getting medication' for your symptoms. There is a high chance that further investigations will be ordered, especially if your symptoms are not typical.

  2. Three people close to me have had outpatient appointments cancelled at very ( when they turned up, in fact Hmm ) notice so you could end up doing neither thing on the day if you prioritise the funeral.

For me it's a no brainer, the funeral is a one off occasion, the hospital visit is not. However, if you are still unclear I suppose you could speak to your GP. It sounds as if this has gone on for years so does an extra couple of weeks make much difference?

After this is all done make some changes re your dh and his views on childcare etc. Now that is unreasonable.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 30/04/2016 09:33

Funerals are for the living.
You show support for the ones left, if you think your DH will want you there, you cancel everything.

MatildaTheCat · 30/04/2016 09:34

Sorry, should have said ' if you prioritise the hospital appointment.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/04/2016 09:48

I can't believe you are even asking! Your husband, the father of your child has lost his father, and you think it's acceptable for him to drive all thst way, alone and potentially very upset, without your support so that you can attend a routine outpatients appointment?! Shock

If my Dad died and DP wasn't there to support me, I don't think I could ever forgive him. I can't imagine anything more selfish!

Frankly, it doesn't matter if you liked him, or if the rest of the family ignore you, because it's not about you!

Get a grip and rebook the appointment. It's six weeks, not six months! Stop being so unbelievably self-absorbed and put your DH first.

If you can't afford childcare then take her, sit at the back and if she is disruptive you just slip out, it's hardly difficult! I did this recently at a funeral with DD1 and DD2, DD2 is 10 months. It was fine.

PPie10 · 30/04/2016 09:54

Shockwtf are you even asking. That's horrible!
As someone said up thread if you waited this long you could wait a few more weeks.

Original poster
SurroMummy13 · 30/04/2016 09:55

Posting again as some are just not paying attention

Not sure who said it but ALL childcare is my responsibility. Even on the days I work, if he is asked to cover a shift, I have to either sort and pay for childcare, or take time off work because he won't refuse it.

I think I'll go, take my daughter and he can help with fuel. If he has an issue with DD going, I'm not going. Will arrange app for another day.

He can just help more in day to day life as this pain is becoming unbearable recently.

OP posts:
Bearlyknitted · 30/04/2016 09:56

Get a private appointment at a more convenient time, thus saving on childcare and spend the money on that instead. An extra £50 ish should cover it, and then you can go to the funeral and not appear to the rest of the family to be a world class arse.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/04/2016 09:57

You keep referring to her as your daughter, is your DP not the biological father? I just wondered if that's why he doesn't want her at the funeral?

IceMaiden73 · 30/04/2016 09:58

You need to be there for your DH, it's his father

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/04/2016 10:00

No need to post again OPwe read it the first time.

Take her with you, or sort childcare, your choice. But if you don't support your husband as he cremates his father, that makes you despicable in my book.

PlaymobilPirate · 30/04/2016 10:01

Is dd his daughter too??

Cressandra · 30/04/2016 10:02

Bigger issues here.

However, whatever you decide, keep ringing the hospital for cancellations. They do come up.

TeaPleaseLouise · 30/04/2016 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minesapintofwine · 30/04/2016 10:09

I can understand why you feel it's a dilemma but personally I would go to the funeral to show support.

Can you pay for childcare near to where the funeral is so it wouldn't be for long and would be cheaper?

I think some posters have been harsh on you.

Sparklingbrook · 30/04/2016 10:11

It's never wise to post in AIBU for advice. You might just get some opinions.